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Original poster

Tips on finding out if he is single/interested. Or not bother?

32 replies

Mom2K · 10/01/2020 03:04

Soooo...hard to believe I'm even posting about this because it is so rare that I come across a guy that I am even remotely attracted to, but there is finally someone of interest.

So the situation is that he is my DD's music teacher and he comes to our home for a weekly lesson. We are only two weeks in. I don't know much about him but we chat a bit at the end of the lesson before he leaves while my kids (ages 11 & 13) are present and chatting with him also lol. I'm a really slow burn when it comes to dating and relationships. While I like the look of him and he seems nice I wouldn't feel the need to jump into anything should he return the interest...but I am wondering how to at some point work out if he's seeing anyone (no ring so I'm guessing not married although I know that doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't) and if not with anyone, how to put out any hints of interest and seeing if it's at all reciprocated bearing in mind my kids are around.

Also given that he is my dd's teacher and I think he's really great at what he does (one of the better teacher's she has had) I wouldn't want to do anything to possibly mess up that arrangement either. To preserve this arrangement (especially as it's new)I would be ok to just totally forget it and keep everything professional since my interest is very mild and I do enjoy my life as is. But I think it could be nice to date again (it's been a while) if this was a possibility. What would you do?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2020 03:58

Nothing.

If he is into you, you will soon find out. If he isnt then.... well you'll find that out soon enough too.

I am not a "Rules Girl" but I do agree with this part of their philosophy. If he doesnt chase you then its because he doesnt want you. If you offer it up then he will probably take it because, well why not? So dont offer it up.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/01/2020 03:59

I wouldn't go there. Not worth risking the awkwardness or ruining it for your daughter.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2020 03:59

I should add that I have been asked out on more dates in the last few months since I stopped chasing than I did the 18 months before by flirting etc!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/01/2020 05:07

Why not just chat with him a bit more - if you ask the right questions and listen to the things he doesn't say as well as the things he does, you will soon work out if he has a partner.

"DD is really enjoying her lessons. We've had issues before with teachers not taking into account that she's only 11/13. You seem to address her at a very natural level. Do you have kids of your own?"

"How was your xmas/new year?"

"Got anything planned for the weekend?"

"Have you finished for the day now? Where are you going back to?"

Listen for "we" statements such as
"We're in the London Rd area so not too long of a drive"
"we're going to see that new film"
"We went to Turkey last year"

This also gives you the opportunity to drop casual info that you're single yourself.

This is a teacher who your DD sees for what, 1hr a week? I wouldn't date her form tutor, but in this case I'd go for it. As long as you're both sensible and professional about it, I can't see it causing any problems. (And if he's not sensible and professional then you probably don't want him teaching DD anyway!)

Toomanygerbils · 10/01/2020 05:14

You’ve only known him two weeks and only in passing. Are you thinking of this as some kind of romcom? Maybe let your daughter just benefit from her lessons instead of making it about you

Original poster
Mom2K · 10/01/2020 12:23

You’ve only known him two weeks and only in passing. Are you thinking of this as some kind of romcom? Maybe let your daughter just benefit from her lessons instead of making it about you

And maybe you should learn to read. I think I made it clear in my OP that I have only a mild/superficial interest at this point and am happy to let it be. But even if that was not the case your tone isn't helpful Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Mom2K · 10/01/2020 12:28

Even furious, thanks! Just wanted to be conversational with him here and there to get a scope of his status so to speak. So those phrases and things to listen for are good.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 10/01/2020 12:31

How many lessons a week does she get then? I also think considering this when you've maybe met him a couple of times and chatted for a few mins is a bit much,

Let it play out, and just kinda calm down.

Jennifer2r · 10/01/2020 12:34

Agree with @EvenMoreFuriousVexation

'do you travel far to get here? Oh lovely my friend lives in that area. Do you live alone or? Oh with your wife and children that's so lovely'

Its just natural conversation.

I disagree with 'if he likes you he will let you know'. Lots of men aren't confident like that and especially if you are paying him for a service he might not think that its appropriate.

Jennifer2r · 10/01/2020 12:36

Sorry but in what way is the OP not calm? A lot of internalised misogyny on this thread.

Original poster
Mom2K · 10/01/2020 14:32

I also think considering this when you've maybe met him a couple of times and chatted for a few mins is a bit much

Considering what? Nowhere in my post did I say I wanted to ask him out or that I would make any moves. And if you think it's 'much' to simply wonder whether or not he is single....well...I think that's odd but you're entitled to your opinion.

just kinda calm down

I'd have to be hyper, excited or over eager in order to calm down...none of which I am - and none of which is conveyed anywhere in my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mom2K · 10/01/2020 14:41

I disagree with 'if he likes you he will let you know'. Lots of men aren't confident like that and especially if you are paying him for a service he might not think that its appropriate.

That's what I think too...given that this is his job I think he would probably keep it professional whether he was interested or not. Who knows he might even be contracted to always keep things professional - these lessons are taking place through a business with many different teacher's who go to student's homes. This isn't someone that I found privately. But that being said - there would easily be a teacher available to replace him if the current arrangement didn't work out for whatever reason (including of his teaching style doesn't end up being compatible with my dd after all etc)

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 10/01/2020 16:04

If you're only mildly interested you have nothing to lose by being direct and asking him out to be fair ,if he says no you've lost nothing

Guardsman18 · 10/01/2020 16:36

People must be scared of asking a question on here sometimes!

Original poster
Mom2K · 10/01/2020 16:46

@ Guardsman - right?

Really can't see why anyone would be snide over anything I've said here. I'm personally not deterred by it but it's a shame that attitudes like this on a lighthearted post could deter people from posting who truly need help with more serious matters. (Disclaimer to newbies - don't be scared there really are some lovely and helpful people here)

OP posts:
VerySale · 10/01/2020 16:49

I completely disagree that he will ask if interested. My DP wouldn't have if I hadn't chased first a bit. He was utterly oblivious to my flirting and that I liked him. Was different once he knew but we wouldn't be together if I hadn't chased him first.

Guardsman18 · 10/01/2020 16:55

I fancied the pants off my son's maths tutor. Found out (through just chatting - honest!) that he was single, lived alone in a flat etc.

Only problem was I'm an older mum and he's young enough to be my son!

What I'm trying to say is that conversation can come naturally - Oh hell. Maybe he thought I was coming onto him ...

Just have a chat to him each time he comes to the house. Do let us (well, me anyway) how it goes?

Original poster
Mom2K · 10/01/2020 16:56

VerySale, how did you go about it with your partner? I've shown interest in the past but never been the one to do the asking out

OP posts:
Original poster
Mom2K · 10/01/2020 16:59

Guardsman I will keep you posted! If nothing else it's at least fun to have the prospect of chatting with someone attractive and seemingly nice

OP posts:
Lexplorer · 10/01/2020 17:05

What's his status on FB? Also photos etc, do they show him cuddling anyone? That would be my first port of call

ScarlettBlaize · 10/01/2020 17:08

Creepy and inappropriate.

bobstersmum · 10/01/2020 17:31

I think some people are a bit stiff upper lip here! There is absolutely no harm in initially fishing for info on his circumstances. And then if he's single and you get the vibe that he likes you then ask him for a coffee or something, you will not scare him unless you answer the door in your underwear plus a strap on dildo.

lovemenorca · 10/01/2020 17:34

You’ve met him twice? Briefly chatted. I think far too early to be picking this apart

lovemenorca · 10/01/2020 17:36

Also - he’s in your home, and working.

On both counts - if the genders were reversed making enquiries May be construed as intimidating and inappropriate.

PumpkinP · 10/01/2020 17:45

I think it’s weird aswell sorry! Maybe wait till he’s no longer working with your child atleast

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