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Original poster

New relationship protocol?

39 replies

Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 18:34

I'm seeing a new man for 6 weeks now around twice a week and we text almost daily and I like him alot.
However another man has shown interest who I also fancy and I'm just wondering what is the protocol here, are you a free agent until you have had the chat to agree that you are exclusive?
Should I ask my new guy his thoughts?
We have both agreed we don't want any sort of serious relationship.

Would I be a total cow to explore with the other interested guy?
I'm baffled. I'm only out a marriage from last summer and want to have some fun but also not wanting to hurt anyone here or act selfishly ?
Any insite would be great Grin

OP posts:
litterbird · 09/01/2020 18:42

You have already agreed you dont want any sort of serious relationship so there it is. He may also be dating others too. I see no reason to not date other people unless you have had the chat as to whether you are exclusive. You are just out a marriage so as long as you make it clear to all involved that you still are not ready for any relationship then keep dating and enjoying yourself.

FinallyHere · 09/01/2020 18:48

What did you actually mean when you both agreed we don't want any sort of serious relationship.

Why could you not be dating other people?

Just wondering ?

Original poster
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 19:09

I guess it's just because we are in contact very often and seeing one another often.
I think a 13 year monogamous relationship has thrown me here GrinGrin
New to this game @FinallyHere!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 09/01/2020 19:20

Who started the 'nothing serious' conversation. Did you talk at all about what it actually meant ? Having agreed, are you finding yourself bonding to him and feeling guilty even considering other partners ?

It is a grave new world compared to monogamy.

I'm guessing he started the not serious conversation. Are you sleeping together and, if so, are you really comfortable with him having other relationships.

Sorry but incase you haven't thought of this but ... how often are you being testing for STD, AIDs etc.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 19:34

So in the initial few weeks he called things off for a few days as he thought it was moving too fast then he came back and said he couldn't stop thinking about me and I said I was confused by it all as I'm in no position to commit to anyone having just come out a marriage, kids etc etc and I said I liked what we had and he said he did too.
So he initiated it by backing off from me but I get the impression he is more attached to me now.
We have had sex and I always use condoms.

I guess I'd feel guilty if I thought he had feelings for me but I wouldnt if he was also texting and or dating other girls.
He's not and big player type or anything, he is quite shy and I had to pursue him in the first place.
Should I bring this up with him do you think?

I do feel like me and guy 1 have a lovely connection and it's and all been nice compared to all the crap I've been through with my dh.
However!! I do really fancy guy 2 and a big part of me wants to be on my own and rating Waters else where too and finding myself.

OP posts:
otterhound · 09/01/2020 19:34

I’d ask him if its an exclusive nothing serious or an open nothing serious and your cue from that.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 19:35

Testing not rating!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 19:38

@otterhound I'm leaning towards just coming out and asking him. But then if he puts it back to me and asks what I want I'll need to think about my answer here!!

OP posts:
CassidyStone · 09/01/2020 19:39

Date the other guy and see what he's like. It's early days. Just because you've had sex with the first guy doesn't mean you're committed to him. Relax and have a bit of fun. After an unhappy 13 year marriage, you deserve it, I would have thought.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 19:41

@Cassidystone I like your response
You are right, must keep options open!

OP posts:
otterhound · 09/01/2020 19:45

Perfectly sensible to keep options open but tell your current squeeze you don't want an exclusive relationship. He can then decide what he wants to go. My guess if he is shy and you chased him he is not seeing anyone else.

RhubarbTea · 09/01/2020 20:01

I'd date the second guy but wouldn't have sex with him and be super upfront to second guy that you're not looking for anything serious right now. If you then spend more time around him and think he might be someone you want to shag, then tell first guy as a courtesy so he's on the same page and then crack on.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 21:09

Getting my head round this now! Things have changed since I was 21!! ConfusedGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 21:12

@otterhound my thoughts exactly. Of course I don't know for sure and men can be very sneaky but my guess is he's not so much as texting anyone else just now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 09/01/2020 21:13

Sorry I should correct that to PEOPLE! !! Before I get jumped on as I did in a thread previously! !!

OP posts:
Donkeysdragonbaby · 09/01/2020 21:32

It's been 6 weeks and you've said it's not serious. Give the other man a date or two and see how it goes, you might feel a connection with man 2 and want to be in a relationship with him, you might like man 1 better and no harm done, or you might realise you want to play the field a bit without committing yourself to anyone. As long as you're using protection and being honest with everyone (I don't mean telling them you're going out on a date with someone else at the not committed stage, I mean not stringing anyone along for the sake of it and being honest if asked) you are perfectly entitled to do what you like. If you're just out of a long term relationship you definitely shouldn't just tie yourself to the first man who pops up.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 09/01/2020 22:29

This is why dating is a pita lol. Thing is you can not have a serious relationship and still be respectful.
I think peoples opinions on the expected and not expected can differ.
What I would do is consider how I would feel if he was dating others at this stage (he may very well be). I dont think going on a date with man number 2 is necessarily wrong, as you said you're single. But if you think about it as a probable scenario and wouldn't like him to do it then I wouldn't advise you do either.
Or...how would you feel about letting him know that you're going on a date with the other guy. Again, I dont think you'd be doing anything wrong by keeping it to yourself. But maybe it's the thought of not being open about it that is making you feel uncomfortable.
You also need to consider what you want to get out of other dates with other guys.if I was newly single, not looking for anything serious and had met a guy I had a good time with who felt the same, I'm not sure if have the inclination or requirements/desire to complicate things with a 2nd one lol.
But then I cant be bothered to even try and meet one bloke recently, I've become a lazy dater ha ha.
Sod it, perhaps you should just go and have as much fun with as many people as you can.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 10/01/2020 08:00

@ALittleBitConfused1 I'm exactly like you, one min I know man1 is lovely and we do have a connection, but then I think I'm just single and I've never had this freedom as an adult (I was still very young at 21)

OP posts:
ALittleBitConfused1 · 10/01/2020 08:03

I think honesty is key in these situations. If you're single and not in a relationship then I'd prefer to be honest. Especially if I was sleeping with someone. Only because I would like to know myself.

prampushingdownthehighst · 10/01/2020 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

Porpoises · 10/01/2020 08:15

If you want an open relationship, have the conversation with current guy. In a monogamous world he may have assumed exclusivity, and there's a risk of hurting him if you make different assumptions without communicating.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 10/01/2020 08:31

@Porpoises the last thing I'd want to do is hurt anyone. I'll try and bring it up on the next meeting with guy 1 and gauge the reaction!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 10/01/2020 08:31

Would one assume exclusivity after only 6 weeks tho?

OP posts:
okiedokieme · 10/01/2020 08:41

It's up to you and what you agree. I deleted my dating apps in the car park after our first date, he deleted his before we even met in person - sometimes you know, if you are asking this, is this really what you want

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/01/2020 09:10

I would assume exclusivity. I couldn't ever start seeing someone who was seeing other people, especially if we were sleeping together. But I know a lot of people would disagree and you've had the 'I don't want anything serious chat' which has already suggested you're ok to see other people.

But will you let guy2 know that you're still talking to other people too? Because it's not fair to check guy1 is ok with it and not guy2 as he's likely to have a different opinion.

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