Narcissistic control

[SueDoeName]

Looking for advice

Without wanting to be an armchair psychologist my ex ticks many boxes for narcissistic personality disorder.

His mum I also diagnosed but he isn't .

He was an absolute tyrant. He won as king as I lost . This relationship cost me dearly. It ended 3 months ago and I've been off work and in counselling since .

The issue is he still has some of my things. I have asked for them back repeatedly but he said he would "give me them back when he was ready "

I realise this is just another form of control. So I made the decision to write them off for time being and go no contact.

How can I get my things back ? Includes my door key and some paintings of sentimental value .

I work in law . I do t want to drag my profession into this. My colleagues know he was a controlling man and some have called it coercive control ( it was ....but I don't want my job dragging into this now especially now it's over )

I don't want to contact him but I want my things and my key .

How do I get my things back without reporting him ?

Can you contact the police and explain an ex is withholding your belongings?

Do you have a key to his place that would allow you to get them?

I think you should confide in someone at work you trust for legal advice. You have nothing to feel ashamed of.

I can't involve my own profession. Just too embarrassing.

I do have a key but a) he would have me arrested and b) my things are inaccessible in the attic .

He once threatened to have me arrested for sexual assault after I touched him in bed . So I won't put myself in jeopardy. I'll be posting his key back via recorded delivery. Very sad really as we lived together for 3!years.

Contact the police and see what your options are.

Arranging anything is pointless as even if he agrees, he will cancel at the last moment.

Tbh, if you don't know of any legal way to do it then I'm stumped.

I'd just write them off. And change the locks asap!

Only problem is at some point he will text and ask when you want your things back. You basically either have to say no or send someone else to collect them. And chances are, again, he will cancel at the last minute or change the goal posts some other way.

You could text him 'please post my posesions back or arrange a time for their collection. If they are not returned to me within a week I will contact police'. If if he agrees to do it in person, send a friend or meet in a public place.

Change your locks either way.

Well done for getting out. I'm sorry things go so bad. I think you're going to have to weigh up how much you want these things back, after all, they're only things. Do you want to risk more involvement with him given the state of your mental health?

It's possible to organise a police escort in order to go back to the place, retrieve your things and leave the key. Or if you know his routine, go there with a friend for protection (and to keep an eye out) grab your stuff, post the key through the door in an envelope and scarper.

I have been through this. Have you thought of asking a friend to get your things ? I told my ex I would ask a friend to get my things and that was enough to make him give them to me. They hate for anyone else to see their hateful behaviour. He was horrible about it obviously but I got them back eventually.

I'm things are in his loft so I can't just go get them.

I'm in police as is he so there is no way I can involve my colleagues. They know enough but not enough if you know what I mean .

Maybe I just forget the rest of my things . I just wanted them back . ☹️. I've gone no contact because I realised it was just another thing to hold over me and use to control me .

I'll leave it a while then maybe send a letter with his key and ask for my things. No one actually knows how bad it was so I can't ask anyone else to get my things on my behalf .

He won't give you them. They're a way to continue to hold power over you.

Are you saying he's a police officer?

It's coercive control; he is an abuser. That's not your shame to carry and covering for him won't help you move forward.

I think staying no contact is wise. And if he leaves you alone I wouldn't get in touch again. A couple of paintings are worth it to be free.

But really I don't know why you don't involve your colleagues. If they are decent people they will understand. Surely they know how many nutters are out there, it's nothing to be ashamed of. For all you know they could be/have gone through similar.

Don't beg the jerk for anything. It'll only encourage him to further stamp on you.

If you don't get them back in a week or so (via friends getting them), write them off. Narcissists 'hoover' when they think you ate starting to feel free again so so he will likely try offer the items to you months from now if he can get in touch. You'd be wise not to respond.

If you are not prepared to do anything suggested here, I dont think you have any choice but write your things off.

Why are you protecting him by not involving the police?

If an ex had my stuff, I wouldn't care one bit about shaming him to get things back

Ah wait, he's in the police too. Mkssedthat you said that.

I think the text is your best bet (not a letter as you can't prove you sent that). 'Return my items this week or i will take legal action. They can be posted or given to (name of family member or friend you wish to collect)'.

Either that or just let them go.

Hi OP. I think maybe you should start to tell your friends what you went through. You have been really affected by this and you may find it helps your recovery to share how you are feeling and why. I know how traumatic this is . I've only been able to recover by talking with friends. All the very best xx

I made the decision to write them off

I want my things

You need to decide which of these opposing viewpoints is the truest for you, and then take appropriate action.

I’m police and was in a similar situation apart from my ex wasn’t police.

I had to tell my sergeant and they were incredibly helpful, supportive and discreet. If you need help, they will be supportive. Police officers can be abused too.

He actually withheld a memory box for our daughter. I had to go and get it but at least he told me where it was and gave me permission to enter .

Maybe I just write the rest of my things off . Just one painting in particular I wanted back but it's maybe not worth the hassle.

You call the police and they will escort you back to the house to get your stuff. I've done it before, they won't charge him but will supervise the situation.

No - police don't get involved in preventing breach of peace in domestics anymore and I'd just be too embarrassed.

I've got most stuff that matters.

madlady I am a police officer. So I can't do that.

Just write the things off OP. Nothing is worth this much strain on your mental health. Maybe at some point in the future, you can get them back but, forget them for now.

Focus on getting better. Counselling, exercise, cut back on booze, fresh air, good food.

At the end of the day, it's just 'stuff'.

1234 that's actually what I've been telling myself for past few weeks and I'm trying to do exactly the things you suggest. 🙂

Just let it all go.
Block his number and take away the power

I'd send him an email telling him a suitable, neutral place to leave the items and give him a timescale of a week. Be polite but get the paper trail started.

Are you going through a divorce? If so, can your solicitor write a letter?

I've done the blocking only way to contact now is through email.

We weren't married. He told me categorically he would never marry me . As such I walked with sod all. I'd paid into the house for 3 years. He just used me .

If he is a proper narcissist the only way to be totally free of this man is to mentally and physically let everything go. And allow no opportunity for him to contact you.
Do you have a child together? If not. You’re aim is to never see or speak to him ever again in your life. And for you to take that very seriously.