No longer physically attracted to husband and other issues

[LifeReflections]

First time posting. I'm married mum of 2 primary school age children. Husband is 20+ years older than me & despite everything in life being good I feel sad.

I don't find him physically attractive anymore & know with age this isn't going to change or get better. Despite this, most other things are good but I also feel slightly trapped. I want to do so many things, go to new places but feel I can not as we're in different places of our lives (age gap I guess).

We also have young children so divorcing is not an option for me. My children are happy & I love my husband just not sure if in love with him. Wondering if anyone else has experienced similar

I love my husband just not sure if in love with him.

There are several useful articles in this thread about the phrase, I love [him but I'm] not sure if [I] was ever in love with him.

That phrase seems to be the tolling bell for most relationships. You may have a lot of thinking ahead.

Is it worth you talking through your current dilemma with a counsellor?

ArranUpsideDown
And what can a counsellor say OP doesn’t know yet? What can he do? Can he make OP attracted to her husband again with his magic wand? He will take OP’s money for saying things OP knows deep inside already.
I am always bemused when people suggest a counsellor. Counsellors are ears to moan into for a hefty price.

I think this is entirely normal for many or even most couples - just taboo to say because of all the fluff that gets spouted about how you should be attracted to your partner for their personality and the life you have together and their weight or looks shouldn’t matter.

I don’t believe humans are wired for monogamous relationships spanning decades. It’s social convention that we feel we ought to live this way, but it’s unrealistic.

If divorce isn’t an option (and I’d you to consider why you feel it isn’t an option: your children would be happier being patented by two happy, fulfilled, separated parents than by a miserable couple, divorce will not ruin their lives) then would either of you consider an open relationship?

I have often wondered if talking to a counsellor would help, but as Kalifa says I'm not sure it would help.

Talking to my DH isn't an option. He's old fashioned and set in his ways. I know it would hurt him to say that to him.

To be honest I agree with you ComtesseDeSpair, I don't think I'm wired for a monogamous relationship, but was raised to believe that a woman should marry a man, have children and live happily ever after. Now I'm 'grown up' I can see that's not for everyone, I just don't know where I go from here.

Our marriage isn't unhappy. From the outside looking in, it looks fairly perfect. We never argue, our children are happy, I just find I've drifted away from my husband as our age gap has remained the same, yet somehow I feel we're further apart than ever as we're at such different stages in our lives and I wonder to myself, in 10 years time, when the kids are grown up, possibly left home and it's just DH and I, will I regret not leaving/staying for the kids, yet the thought of leaving and living a life without him hurts

Find a lover

@Taraohara I'm not sure what to say to that!

@LifeReflections

The fact you’re not saying ‘no way’ is telling
Try and make yourself happy you only have 1 life

How old are you both op?

There's also a risk, depending on both your health, that you end up becoming a carer for your husband. How will that feel? -- and, yes, some older people are really fit and healthy so not inevitable.

But it's one of those cases where any course of action has possible strong negatives as well as positives, and it's easy to drift along. You may want to think about money, housing, friends, location, jobs, as well as personal feelings.

If you like rock music, try Halestorm's "Better sorry than safe".

I'm in my thirties and he in his sixties.

I've often thought that @waterspider I'll check that song out, thanks

20 years is big - my Dad and step mum have similar and I do think it made more difference as they got older especially after he retired which seemed to age him significantly, he slowed down and became 'old' (don't get me wrong that's not a given on retirement, my Mum came alive once she hit 60)

I do think you need to question why you can't divorce or even talk about it? Is that while the kids are at home, would you be more comfortable to divorce once they left?
Is he happy or is it of the mindset married and plodding along is better than divorced?

I think it's a whole lot of heartache to carry on as you are, but if you do it should be a conscious decision not a default

It's definitely made more difference as we've gotten older. Divorce would devastate him and I don't think I can put him through that, let alone my children. He's happy, it's just me, I'm the one plodding along which makes me feel selfish. I feel I should stay for him and for the children because they're all happy and I'm the selfish one for wanting something else/something more

But what happened to you? Can you honestly plod along for the rest of his/your life?

Just for info, for a man aged 60.

Your average life expectancy is
85 years

However there's a chance you might live longer...
92 years
1 in 4 chance

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/articles/lifeexpectancycalculator/2019-06-07

(didn't want to sound sinister, but just to be clear that staying "for life", as some might propose and as you may be considering, is likely another 25 years).

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What attracted you to him in the first instance given this age difference?

If it was not for the children would you be with him now?. These children are not glue nor should they be used as such to bind you and this man together. Divorce is absolutely an option considering you have young children, you cannot stay merely because of them or out of not wanting to hurt your H. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Perhaps you never argue because you always defer to him and or plod along uncomplainingly whilst masking your internal unhappiness.

Can you say what attracted him to you in thr first place, honestly?

Hmm, if he is still a good, kind man then I think you might need to accept this as part of the deal.

You had the advantages of an age-gap relationship when he was a mature, wise forty- or fifty-something. He probably appeared to have a lot going for him in contrast to men your own age. Now he is getting older and you are experiencing the disadvantages of that gap, is it fair to leave him?

For what it's worth, I also think monogamy is unrealistic across a whole lifetime.

This is so tough because I think you have every right to a happy life.

But my friend got together with her partner when she was 20 and he was 45.

She left him when he was 60 - she had always said the age gap didn't matter even though she had been warned at the start that would change when he got older.

BUT they had a lovely life together until then and she also got a second chance and has met someone the same age as her know, got married again, had kids etc.

I feel sad for her ex who is understandably still heartbroken. But I don't know what the answer is, it would have been awful for her to stay with him when she found him unattractive and the reality hit her that in 10/15 years she would have become her carer.

It's a tough one and I understand the POV of everyone involved tbh.

Seriously, don't get a lover. You are not likely to create happiness living a fake double life as an pretend faithful wife with a lover to get what is missing.
Throw away your fear of making a mistake by leaving an unhappy marriage.
It may have been right when you were together back then, but it seems very clear that it feels wrong for you now.

Perhaps choosing to marry and commit longterm was not the best choice, yet we can not always know what is to come and how we will feel.

We all make mistakes, and sometimes it is hard to accept that we are making them

The longer you continue to feel unhappy in this marriage the more you lose out. A lover will only be a temporary fix and make you dishonest and hurt your husband

Be brave and honest with yourself.

You have the opportunity to get over your mistakes only if you first admit them

Although seperation or divorce was not what you ever wished for, leaving this marriage could open the door to new opportunities for a more fulfilled life.

We all experience unexpected situations in life that we never foresaw
Check out this thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3563408-AIBU-to-ask-what-happened-to-you-in-your-life-that-you-never-thought-would

Sorry that was rubbish advice to get a lover.

Get 2

That’s what I’ve done. One younger than me incredibly good looking , amazing body , massive ... personality

One a bit older ( not too old ) interesting , funny goes to great places.

Only one life

You could have another 20 or 30 years with your husband. You either find a way to make it work so that you feel happy, or you leave. You say you want to see new places - would he look after the DC while you took a few months off to go travelling?
Could you find an exciting new career? Do some further study, go back to uni perhaps?

kalifa - that's absolute bollocks, I'm a therapist in the nhs and treat severe and enduring mental health problems like complex ptsd, ocd and personality disorder. Therapy can change people's lives, I am not just an expensive ear to moan into!

Agree that counselling probably won't do much in this situation though!

“In love” is just limerance and the buzz of new novel love. It’s the “I love you” part a successful long term marriage needs and you have it