No longer physically attracted to husband and other issues

[LifeReflections]

First time posting. I'm married mum of 2 primary school age children. Husband is 20+ years older than me & despite everything in life being good I feel sad.

I don't find him physically attractive anymore & know with age this isn't going to change or get better. Despite this, most other things are good but I also feel slightly trapped. I want to do so many things, go to new places but feel I can not as we're in different places of our lives (age gap I guess).

We also have young children so divorcing is not an option for me. My children are happy & I love my husband just not sure if in love with him. Wondering if anyone else has experienced similar

I have a large age gap relationship. I would echo what @MaybeDoctor said. The younger party benefits early on, the older party later on, at least that’s the way I saw it when I started this.

With regards to being in love, very few people actually fall in love, most just confuse love with feelings of lust and doting. Being besotted is a short term thing in almost all relationships and it is most definitely not love.

That is a big age gap you have. As someone said get a lover or put your big pants on and divorce him whilst the children are still young.
You honestly only have 1 life.
Don’t stay with him because you pity him.

Yes a lover is a great idea.You may have to change the pattern of your life a bit, but it can be done.. But maybe you just wan't to get out and do more things that interest you, and meet some new people.

I don’t know why some posters are trying to tell how the OP should feel. She knows when she is IN love and when she is not.

Two friends have used one of the married dating affairs sites for some extra-marital afternoon delight. It seemed to help them stay in sexless marriages.

Thanks everyone. I feel I should point out that my marriage is far from sexless. My husband has always had a high libido. We have sex 2-3 times a week. The issue is whilst I love sex, I don’t find him attractive to the point where I cringe at times when he touches me - not all the time, but most. He’s selfish in bed. Sex lasts on average five minutes and I don’t enjoy it. It’s all about him.

I’m amazed at the people saying to get a lover!

Imagine if this was a man posting about his wife.
Oh how the replies would be so, so different.

You have 2 options:

Divorce or stay

Just because you don't particularly fancy your husband, doesn't mean you're not suited to monogamy, just that you're with the wrong guy.

As others have said, you will end up caring for him to some extent. Most of us will get old, and somewhat disabled. We all get ill. That you'll end up having to run around after him to a greater extent is pretty much inevitable. Find someone your own age and you could have another 20 years free of it.

As to your not being in a sexless marriage- there's sex in the marriage for him, but you're not getting sex. You don't fancy him, so it's anti-sex, the opposite of a turn on, plus he's crap and you don't get much out of it. There's someone hot out there waiting for you. xxx

Double standards are shocking shame on those for suggesting a lover. Would you be quick to say the same if the husband was posting about how his older wife wasnt the same anymore?

OP lifes to short to be miserable do you want another 20 years where you're 50 and hes 70?

If you have primary school aged children then clearly you have been together a while so has the sex always been this bad? Does he realise that you are in the bed with him or is everything he does about him and what he wants?

This isn't just the age gap this is more than that. You are heading toward contempt and according to the Gottman institute your relationship is doomed unless you try to sort this out now.

What was it that first attracted you to him?

We've been together 16 years. He's always been selfish in bed but I guess I was young when we got together so didn't really know any better if that makes sense. I'm older and wiser (perhaps not wiser) now.

I worry about the impact separation would have on my children and I'm not able to support my financially. Whilst I do work part time, I don't enough anywhere near enough to support myself and my children.

I was attracted to him in the first place because of lots of things to be honest. I was in a vulnerable place I guess and he was the older man who looked after me. I liked his personality, we got on well and still do which is what makes this so hard.

Plenty of women can start over increase hours or claim any benefits to top up earnings. It's not impossible it's about taking the leap.

Doubt things will improve and now I have seen your update about him being selfish in bed I do think you should make plans to separate as that's not going to change and you are just going to feel more and more resentful. Yes your life will get very much worse for a while and you can't guarantee meeting someone else but I would say you should consider carefully giving yourself that chance It's hard when he's not a monster, he's not abusing you, the kids are happy etc and financially it is often a huge struggle but sex 2-3 times a week with a selfish lover who you don't fancy sounds gruesome.

@Taraohara second that.

We live in such a fickle world. Divorce seems two a penny. You're husband isn't abusive. You have healthy happy children. Why throw a good life away to find another man that may not be as worthy and you'll reach the same relationship lull you did with this one. It's inevitable. Keep with your husband. Be a good family and invest in a good vibrator and have a picture of your friends drop dead gorgeous husband in your head. Whoops spilling my secrets fantasies are lovely escapism but real life isn't where those fantasies live. A good strong marriage and a happy home for your kids is as good as it realistically gets. Decades long romance isn't real

Be cautious of some advice on here. Chucking in the towel and thinking of all this 'me me me /one life' fashion statements ain't reality. You do matter but the truth Is passionate rip your clothes off sex has a time limit. Go in search of romance and passion. You'll find it but the novelty will wear off. It always will. We settle them for something made of more substance. More real. Old couples aren't bending each other over the hearth everyday. They look after each other in a deeper way. Sometimes life is more than passion and romance

How about taking up a hobby or doing some activities on your own. Then you can meet and socialise with people your own age and perhaps that will give you the best of both worlds.

I think you need to speak to him. You need to be honest with him about the sex-life. Don't say that you don't find him attractive anymore, but bring up the selfishness. How he responds will tell you how much he values you. You have every right to a good sex life as he does, and you can't keep this sort of thing bottled up--not if you want the marriage to work.

Double standards are shocking shame on those for suggesting a lover. Would you be quick to say the same if the husband was posting about how his older wife wasnt the same anymore?

Opens Mumsnet. Waits for a thread where a 30-something man is saying that he doesn't find his 60-something wife attractive anymore. Taps fingers. Ages several years. Eventually gives up. Closes Mumsnet.

Of course I don't think infidelity is right. I don't think that people should give into temptation just because they are bored, drunk or opportunity falls into their path. But I do think it happens much more than Mumsnet likes to think and, in a situation like the OPs, a discreet arrangement is far better than breaking apart a home and family.

Look people make decisions to stay or end relationships based on many factors - attraction is just one. For some the most important, for others less so. Only you know where you sit on that spectrum and if the other pluses outweigh this negative.
But, IMO it should be a conscious decision as opposed to a drifted into default. Therapy for you may help unpack how you really feel and where your priorities genuinely lie. It might also help you work out how to manage/live with whichever decision you make.

Some good recent posts. And v clarifying points Dark

I really don't think taking a lover is the solution to anything here. It only leads to feelings of guilt in the long term and there is a danger of being found out which will cause even more damage to the family. One of the main tenets to a successful relationship is communications perhaps the first step could be to try talking to your DH as it may be the case he is just blissfully unaware of how you feel. It may also jolt him into taking some kind of action. Whilst leaving is an option don't be fooled into thinking the grass may be greener but careful consideration is what's needed here. Also I wonder if you were young when you married if you are feeling that you have missed out in someway? As I said in my previous comment is it possible that you can take up hobbies and interests with people your own age or perhaps go on holiday with some friends?

First, have to declare my bias - I am a trained counsellor! IMHO talking to a trained counsellor depends how you use your time with them; you can use that time as 'an ear to moan in' (which can actually be very therapeutic in a way because having someone there who listens, doesn't judge, and will not tell anyone else is a safe place for that!) . However you can also use that time to work through what your feelings actually are, whether there is any background affecting your current emotions, and then decide on a way forward and take your time to consider options and consequences etc.

Other bias to declare: my empathy for you is really high. I'm in a different domestic situation than you, but literally this week I have split up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years as we have grown apart, I'm absolutely not physically attracted to him, and we have grown apart as I have changed so much in my outlook on life! We had been in a 'just good friends' situation for over a year whilest I lied to myself and tried so hard to feel more. My heart is grieving deeply for the relationship that was, and although he has actually now come to agree that it has become a friendship, and we both agree that once we have had some space we want to maintain a relationship as that bit was/is really good.... I feel crap. But, I know it's better (for me, in my situation!) not to live in a lie.... And preserve what is good before resentment and confusion starts.

I don't have any answers for you, but my heart goes out to you as this is one heck of a situation to deal with.

@LifeReflections

You say your amazed a suggestions of getting a lover. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think your ruling this out...?

You are young and of course the thought of never having good sex again is pretty depressing. I doubt your desire towards your husband will increase in time .

Mumsnet v black and white . Marriage/ divorce. But real life there’s 50 shades of grey

Totally agree, get a lover or 2 and have some fun