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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally Unavailable men

34 replies

dorindadoriano1 · 08/01/2020 22:31

Just wanted to if you attract people who are emotionally unavailable does it mean that there is something psychologically wrong with you?

It feels like i always attract men who have problems and at 37 have never had a long term relationship or one where i felt loved, wanted or important.

I am very empathic and highly senstive and wonder if i attract people who don't have these qualities?

I am currently having counselling and nearly finished but feel this is something i will have to work on long term.

OP posts:
TashieWoo · 08/01/2020 22:44

Following this because to an extent I can empathise and wonder the same thing. I think it’s due to being wary of forming a full attachment to someone, so we seek those who will never reciprocate an attachment.

Flowers
Onemansoapopera · 08/01/2020 22:49

I'm also very empathetic (frustratingly so at present) and maybe it's fair to say that next to us, lots of people appear emotionally unavailable

by comparison because our emotions are so very near the surface and completely visible where there's are perhaps more safely tucked away. Being highly sensitive is HARD. You simply cannot stop experiencing the thoughts and feelings of others , almost like a medium with lots of voices in their head but those voices are the emotions and vibes of those around you, I would sometimes kill to be less like this as it's really hard to take a side, form a definitive opinion etc. I often get in shit on here because I can always see the other persons point of view other than the OP's and that usually doesnt go down well. :-(

Original poster
dorindadoriano1 · 08/01/2020 22:50

Is there anything one can do to 'cure' this? I am always working on self improvment but only much one can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
dorindadoriano1 · 08/01/2020 22:52

My counsellor tells me i am an empath! So it would appear i attract narcissists :-(

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 08/01/2020 23:02

Empathic (ie very emotionally available) people often signal this to others, and some people will abuse this quality (not always consciously). Those with a narcissistic personality react to empathy as ‘fuel’ but they will never get enough! Emotional unavailability may be for various reasons, including - but not exclusively - narcissism. Maybe look with your counsellor at your family history and what you learned about relationships from your parents. Also, what would a good reciprocal relationship feel like for you?

Original poster
dorindadoriano1 · 08/01/2020 23:25

Well my Dad had a Mother who never really wanted him. She used to smack him with a wooden spoon as a child. She also threw plates and cups at the wall when my Grandad upset her. She has zero empathy, she threw a mouse on the fire once and hit another one over the head with a brick, she couldn't be bothered to visit him in hospital when he just recovered from back surgery as a hair appointment was more important! She has never ever told him she loves him. She takes no interest in his life and always changes the subject and is very passive aggressive. When my sister was being bullied all she said 'Oh well you will just have to get on with it'. What sort of a person let alone grand-parent speaks to a vulnerable young girl like that? I don't actually know if she is a narcissist as she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her thinking and never had a diagnosis. I find my energy levels drop after spending time with her so i now see her very rarely. I do have a good relationship with both my parents thankfully though have our moments like all families. I do feel very sorry for my Dad for never having a Mother he should of had. A good reciprocal relationship for me would feel like where you value each other 50/50, feel validated, can agree to disagree, allowed to be your true self etc.

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 08/01/2020 23:32

Well you’ve just spent a whole load of time explaining how other people feel. There are perhaps 10 words when you talk about your own feelings.
So how do you feel after writing a whole thing about how other people feel?

rvby · 08/01/2020 23:55

Yeah, if you only ever concentrate on how others feel, you ending up not having much of a "self". You become reactive and anxious and constantly scanning your environment for the cues of others.

Its hard to have a balanced, respectful relationship when you are out of touch with how YOU feel about things and who YOU are.

A good question to ask yourself might be, how can I become more focused on my self, my feelings, opinions, values, etc?

MadamePewter · 09/01/2020 00:07

You need to work on boundaries, having recognised the issue.

Really helpful, though very difficult to make the change. Good one to discuss with your counsellor

Original poster
dorindadoriano1 · 09/01/2020 00:18

They are all questions i am asking with my counsellor and trying hard to find solutions with.

What would you say the issue is exactly? Poor self-esteem?

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 09/01/2020 00:41

I don’t know. How do you feel about your self esteem?
I tend to do what you do. I went through everything about my ex and how he felt and how his childhood was etc etc
Someone just said “what about you”

But I can’t undo it. I can recognise it in you instantly. I find it easy to pull you up on it!

How we stop I just don’t know. I’ve had years of therapy.

Cognitive dissonance? Perhaps we don’t see ourselves as “real” Or “important” people in our own lives. If I thought I was more important perhaps it would be different.

Original poster
dorindadoriano1 · 09/01/2020 00:52

In all honesty i currently don't have much self esteem but i do feel better since starting counselling. I sometimes feel i am not good enough and will never get what i would like out of life. I just seem to be stuck in a rut. I do feel invisible and unimportant and don't feel i really belong. I think i just haven't met my people in life yet. A lot of it is circumstantial and my counsellor said to try and take small steps by breaking out my comfort zone.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 09/01/2020 01:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

skatesbythesea · 09/01/2020 01:10

I am the same as this. I'm not really sure what the answer is. I am working on showing a reasonable level of interest (in other people, friends, family etc.) while also focusing on me. Boundaries I guess. I see a coach and she suggested treating dating like work networking, I like this idea.

Elindab · 09/01/2020 01:11

I had a friend like this. She'd zero in on guys who were unavailable, gay even, or just clearly not into her. I could never figure out why, except that it's less scary maybe? Guys who are really into you can be overwhelming. Also, there were no guys who were really into her. Not sure why not, she was great.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/01/2020 01:19

Emotionally unavailable men are normally available to a woman. Just, not you. You're the one they'll mess about with, until such time as they meet a woman they want to be serious with.

I don't believe in empaths or analysing this type of man. Its a waste of life and headspace and giving a man who doesn't really want you power over your life as if he's the last man on earth.

Pointless pita

Original poster
dorindadoriano1 · 09/01/2020 01:24

@katy1213 Clearly you can't read and speaking shite.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 09/01/2020 01:28

Well, clearly then you need to treat me with more sensitivity!
But thanks for the laugh - I'm off to bed!

Original poster
dorindadoriano1 · 09/01/2020 01:31

Best you go then Grin

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 09/01/2020 01:41

Some men are just twats.

MsMellivora · 09/01/2020 02:52

Really it’s irrelevant why they are the way they are. Anything I did not like I was off like a shot. Let them stew in their own juice and walk away as soon as there is some indication that they are just not decent or the right one for you.

lorettalemon · 09/01/2020 03:05

I don't think it's so much being emotionally unavailable but people who just aren't nice enough to make an effort because they aren't that bothered about you or they're just quite selfish anyway. I felt sorry for my STBXH because he seemed shy and withdrawn but in time I realised that he was actually quite unpleasant and couldn't be bothered to make any effort with people, that's why he didn't have any friends. He blamed everyone else for that but in social situations people tried to talk to him and he'd give nothing back and show no interest in them

Weffiepops · 09/01/2020 04:39

@lorettalemon it sounds like your stbxh is identical to my stbxh. No friends, makes no effort with anyone, all mines interested in is telling what I should do, what I'm doing wrong etc.

I'm all for giving up on men entirely, when I look at my relationships, I clearly stay and put up with shit longer than I should. Why bother

Springsoon · 09/01/2020 06:10

I attract men who are emotionally unavailable too. I haven't been in a long term relationship for a very long time. You are not the only one OP Thanks.

The way forward for me is to get to know someone slowly and make sure that we want the same things - i.e a relationship before getting too involved.

Springsoon · 09/01/2020 06:13

As skatesbythesea said boundaries are important and I'm working on having those and better communication.

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