Emotionally Unavailable men

[dorindadoriano1]

Just wanted to if you attract people who are emotionally unavailable does it mean that there is something psychologically wrong with you?

It feels like i always attract men who have problems and at 37 have never had a long term relationship or one where i felt loved, wanted or important.

I am very empathic and highly senstive and wonder if i attract people who don't have these qualities?

I am currently having counselling and nearly finished but feel this is something i will have to work on long term.

Following with interest because I seem to do exactly the same, in the past I definitely wanted full on commitment and intimacy and felt so frustrated that they always seemed a bit held back. I realised (too late)with ex h that he enjoyed winding me up, he would purposely withhold closeness from me and that gave him huge power as I would be grateful for scraps of niceness.
He took it too far in the end but he struggled to believe that I actually would leave him.
In my case I think my authoritarian bully of a father had a lot to do with my choices- even though I was determined not to end up with one like him, I did! And now I fear for my daughter’s choices in the future.
I am happily single, but fearful of attracting the same again should I wish to find someone . I do seem to think I can help the broken ones, instead of finding a good match.

Go over to the dating thread on mn.
I would say you don’t have to do such soul searching on yourself.
It’s an age thing and the fact that due to lots of dating websites /opportunities men on there seem to be like a child in a sweetshop ( I’m sure some women on there are the same too)
It will take lots of kissing frogs to get a prince and lots of inane chatter to sort the wheat from the chaff.
Once you have a look at the dating thread, you will realise it’s not just you!!!
I found dating a numbers game , you may find 1 in 20 you like, but it requires a lot of numbers .Dont beat yourself up or soul search/naval gaze.Be happy in your own company and something will come up

Hi @dorindadoriano1, congratulations on the therapy. I have definitely benefited from it, life changing. I had similar problems to you, all my previous relationships including my husband (now ex ) were emotionally unavailable. Have a read up on attachment theory - the first couple of years of caregiving in your life sets you up with an attachment style. Around 50% of the population have a 'secure' attachment ie they had adequate emotional and physical care as a child which makes them confident in relationships. They are able to identify quickly and withdraw from unhealthy unions.

The other 50% are made up of people who are avoidant - fearful, insecure or dismissive which means they either want relationships but are frightened by intimacy, want relationships but never feel secure, or want relationships but can't handle and completely reject intimacy and keep their partners permanently at arms length.

I could go on about the issues this causes in relationships but basically some people struggle with relationships because of their early conditioning. I would say I was an insecure-avoidant trying to relate to mostly fearfuls until I hit the 'jackpot' and married a dismissive (narcissist). He was a clone of my mother, so felt familiar.

After a lot of therapy I think I am now more on the secure side and I have recently met a secure partner and the difference is astounding. No games, total honesty with feelings and true intimacy. So it can be done. Good luck Op, you are certainly doing the right thing by investing in therapy.

The other term for an insecure avoidant is anxious preoccupied. Slightly different terms used for the same thing depending on descriptions.

Are you attracted to emotionally unavailable men too, though? I think that that is relevant here. I think that people who are commitmentphobic or find emotional intimacy difficult subconsciously gravitate to emotionally unavailable people. I think emotionally unavailable people have an exciting raw energy about them which isn't so scary to people who have issues with emotional intimacy. Is it possible you are both empathetic but that you also struggle with emotional intimacy yourself and that this is the problem? You don't recognise men who are emotionally available as you don't get it yet yourself? Relationship counsellors posting on here have said that once someone works out their own barriers, finding the right partner suddenly gets much easier for them. The fact that men who are emotionally unavailable go after you stops being significant, as you just don't engage.

i also think that in terms of numbers, most people in our society are emotionally unavailable, because of how we are brought up and how we live nowadays.

If your dad had that experience with his own mother, he may not have got emotional intimacy, he may have been attracted to your mum as she was similarly cut off emotionally, and that might have been passed down to you - even if your mum and dad were otherwise lovely people. That is just an idea though, might be totally wrong.

I've often thought that being highly empathetic goes hand in hand with being highly imaginative, and sometimes the two combine so that we 'imagine' responses from others or we put feelings and thoughts into their heads that just aren't there.

So the men we choose (or who choose us) at first appear to be ideal, as we fill in any gaps in conversation or response with what we 'imagine' them to be saying. We can therefore assure ourselves that they are 'the perfect man for us'. Because we are doing all the heavy lifting of the relationship.

Later, when their behaviour becomes unignorable, we split up. But it's not entirely their fault, because we've been conducting a relationship that may well have been 50% imaginary.

Just to comment @sunshinesparkling on your post which I totally agree with the number of available men are probably skewed by their attachment style ie emotionally unavailable. Secure people tend to seek healthy relationships and stay in them much longer which effectively takes them off the market. Emotionally unavailables have more problems forming mutually beneficial relationships so come up for availability more often, hence the idea that all the good ones are gone (although people do stay in unhealthy co-dependent relationships for longer than they should which includes me).

You are absolutely right, once you work out who you are and why you attract these people you are armed to recognise and avoid them. All the red flags that posters talk about - not talking about childhood, feelings, being flakey and unreliable, all ex's being 'mad', no relationship with their children - need to be taken seriously. You also have better self-esteem so don't tolerate bad behaviour. It's all a process. Sounds easy but isn't as you have to basically reset yourself.

Finding a secure person can only help to and improve your own security as you relax into a healthy relationship and start to find it normal. Unhealthy relationships make you permanently on edge, feeling less than and questioning your own worth.

Agree @Dacquoise

Sometimes, you have to experience it a few times to recognise it. And avoid these types henceforth🤷🏻‍♀️