How to survive after marriage breakdown

[Comefeelthenoise]

My 15 year marriage has broken down and on NYE he told me it was over. There’s no kids involved and financially there’s very little to sort out between us.

What I’m struggling with is what to do next. I’m overwhelmed by the idea of packing up our life and moving. I’m scared of being alone and petrified of life now. I didn’t want to end the marriage- DH was the one who decided it was over. He didn’t even want to try to work on it.

I veer between feeling utterly bereft at the thought of not speaking to him again and him being in my life, and feeling resigned that it’s happening and I’m powerless to stop it.

DH feels guilty about his decision and so is being incredibly nice whilst we live together to sort it out, making it harder. It’s sometimes like it’s not even happened. Its like a weight has been taken off for him.

I feel so ugly and although his reasons for ending the marriage are that he just doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, I can’t help but think that means he finds me less attractive. I’ve been sobbing all morning and don’t even know what to do next.

I’m gutted about how mutual friends have reacted too- friends I considered mutual haven’t reached out, even some family who know have been unsupportive or even just said nothing. I feel like slab earthquake has happened in the middle of my life and I’ve got no idea what to do now.

I certainly had up and down days, 6 months on I was really struggling having been on terrible dates etc. But a few months later I'm really happy in a new relationship finalising my divorce

You're going through a grief cycle, disbelief, confusion, sadness, anger, then a mix of emotion as your life is going through turmoil. Rather than fight it, feel it. Going through it means it will in time soften. Special days and things that jog memories may always be tough.

Have periods of writing lists to move on...things to be arranged, things you have never done and want to try. On tough days just be kind to yourself

How are you coping OP?

Hope you are ok OP xxx

💐☕️🍰

Hello everyone. I’ve had an up and down week. We are still living together so it’s harder than I’d imagined to just keep going. Unfortunately there’s no where for either of us to go which doesn’t cost a fortune and we are lucky enough to have a spare bedroom so DH has moved there.

I’m struggling with not only the loss of our relationship but also my relationship with his family. I am extremely close to his DF and DM and also his DB and DSIL. They’re like my family as mine are so far away and I’ve been so sad that apart from one text they’ve not really reached out to me and I feel abandoned and sad. Same for some mutual friends- nobody ever tells you that when your marriage ends you lose them too.

I still feel really low and am constantly questioning myself. I wonder how anyone will ever love me again and just feel anxious about what next week will bring let alone next month.

DH swears blind there’s nobody else but everyone asks me if that’s the cause of this. He says he needs to be alone but I feel like I can’t trust anything he says anymore.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3731473-Some-friendly-words-part-2-Its-over

I’ve posted the link to this thread. We are supporting each other through similar situations after long marriages. Some have kids (I don’t), our ages vary, there are generally OW involved, but at least forewarned his forearmed. I’m sorry to read about what has happened. It is very hard to get your head round.

Aw, sorry to hear that.

It is difficult to see it now but you are still very young - I am a guy in my fifties and I see it a bit differently to how you do.

It is disappointing to lose contact with your in-laws - perhaps you could try reaching out to them and tell your ex that you would like to keep at least some contact with them as they are your friends now - after all it is due to your commitment to I him that they are now your friends.

I am not being critical of you but you were really badly advised, or not advised at all, to get married at 19. That must have meant that you were engaged at 18 - absolutely crazy in todays world. Nothing you can do about it now but it may be a message to other families to advise teenagers when this crops up in other families.

When my marriage ended (similar to you I was 35, married at 21 and had no kids), I was really upset at loosing my relationship with his DM and DS who I got on so well with - as well as his two nieces. I was devastated at the thought of loosing them, as I loved those girls dearly. But I still had a relationship with them after, it was just a bit different, but we all have to and can adapt to change, and you can too.

@Lozzerbmc thank you that’s so helpful to know. We didn’t have kids but I’m also an unofficial DA to his five nephews and nieces- I love them like my own. I’m worried about how I’ll manage to keep a relationship with them, it kills me to think I might not be able to.

When we got married we were deeply in love- we got married at 25 but got together at 19 and it felt like the natural step.

When we got married we were deeply in love- we got married at 25 but got together at 19 and it felt like the natural step.

Apologies, I picked it up wrong.

Regardin the relationship with our family going forward. You said that he feels bad about the breakup - part of it could well be how well you get on with his family - you shold tell him that you hope to keep in contact with them - his family could well be asking him the same thing but are unsure as to how to broach i with you.

How are you getting on OP?

I wouldn't listen to the "there has to be another woman". I am sorry you are going through this. Been through it myself - big time. I'm 58 - end of a 22 year relationship.

This:
You got married at 19 and you do not have a family - where did you think the relationship was travelling? Because couples need a plan and a direction they are travelling in together - otherwise atrophy sets in.

This: Nothing lasts forever - nothing. And that is very often the case for a relationship made when you are young. Those that last long usually have a family keeping them together or are very sorted emotionally with very strong shared interests.

Yet we are obsessed with the illusion of 'forever' - why? Christ, forever is a long time. You are still young. I wish I'd been in my 30's when my partner left me.

Your partner was depressed because he was in a "marriage" before he had even lived. And that is the same for you, but you don't see it yet. You will. But you need to be comfortable with uncertainty and stop looking for forever - it's a lie and that is okay! Life is full of loss, but that's better than living in stifling safety. I may be wrong, but I'm suspecting your partner had no choice and it had little to do with you and everything to do with the way he felt about himself.

In the meantime. what you are going through is a process and believe it or not you will survive, and actually learn to be stronger.

The end of my relationship was horrific (3 years ago now). I thought I would die (there was another woman). But now, I'm so glad it's done. I was living a lie and couldn't face it.

I've had 2 lovers/relationships since then and I hope to have more. Not looking for forever.......because it's bullshit!

When the tears cease you will see you are free.

Hello everyone- thank you for checking in with me.

The anxiety is at an all time high. It’s gets better and I have moments I forgot my situation and laugh with friends and then there’s moments where my stomach feels like it’s going to fall out my body. I have now found somewhere to live, luckily a friend is emigrating for 6 months and has allowed me to rent her house whilst she’s gone. But this doesn’t make me feel excited or hopeful, I just feel blank and numb.

I still believe there isn’t anyone else. DH is still giving very mixed messages and implying he doesn’t know what he wants which makes it hurt even more. I don’t want to find myself clinging onto false hope.

I can’t think past tomorrow, but equally I keep tormenting myself with worries about how my life will look without him. What will I do at weekends? The idea of coming back to an empty house after work without him there kills me. I thought I’d feel better now but I don’t.

Some of his family have now reached out but it doesn’t feel the same. I understand it’s a tricky path to track but I feel lonely and abandoned.

I know I’m young and I will have a future but I don’t want that. I want DH and I wish he’d fought for us.

@Comefeelthenoise so sorry you are hurting like this!

Can you make a list of the things you like to do. Things that you liked to do as a child and teenager... keep adding to the list whenever you panic about living alone.

This is so like my own experience after separation. I moved into a friends cottage for 8 months after leaving the marital home. It was hard going back to a quiet and empty house Initially. I had radio on permanently for the noise but I got used to it and enjoyed it. I’ve realised I like my own space!

Keep yourself really busy - i exercised and saw friends in week and at weekends. I went on a holiday of a lifetime as part of a group tour which was great for my confidence as was the (inevitable) weight loss and fitness. I found it all quite liberating to be honest and found I quite liked living on my own. Pink towels in my bathroom, dinner of what I wanted and when, in charge of tv remote. I could go on...

Just take it day by day. Try not to have contact with him - its like picking at a scab and you wont heal.

Frustratingly we cannot go NC until I’ve moved in a few weeks. My friends house isn’t ready for me just yet. I’m trying to spend chunks of time away from home but we have a business which works closely together so we have to communicate fairly regularly.

I just feel hopeless and like I’ll just never be happy again. I don’t want this to happen, I don’t want this to change. I’m gutted and feel like everyone was supportive at the beginning and is now ebbing away. It feels very similar to when my DF died and the first week was everyone fussing and concerned then everyone goes back to real life. Struggling to find people to confide in.

Sorry you’re feeling like this but it will get better. I know you dont want this change its hard to adapt I know. Do you have any good friends to confide in? They might just think you are ok and managing... i think people who’ve never really experienced break up find it hard to understand the feelings of loss, grief and sadness.

Self help books are useful- I read a book by paul mckenna “how to mend your broken heart” or similar title and found it helpful.

How are you doing OP?