How to survive after marriage breakdown

[Comefeelthenoise]

My 15 year marriage has broken down and on NYE he told me it was over. There’s no kids involved and financially there’s very little to sort out between us.

What I’m struggling with is what to do next. I’m overwhelmed by the idea of packing up our life and moving. I’m scared of being alone and petrified of life now. I didn’t want to end the marriage- DH was the one who decided it was over. He didn’t even want to try to work on it.

I veer between feeling utterly bereft at the thought of not speaking to him again and him being in my life, and feeling resigned that it’s happening and I’m powerless to stop it.

DH feels guilty about his decision and so is being incredibly nice whilst we live together to sort it out, making it harder. It’s sometimes like it’s not even happened. Its like a weight has been taken off for him.

I feel so ugly and although his reasons for ending the marriage are that he just doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore, I can’t help but think that means he finds me less attractive. I’ve been sobbing all morning and don’t even know what to do next.

I’m gutted about how mutual friends have reacted too- friends I considered mutual haven’t reached out, even some family who know have been unsupportive or even just said nothing. I feel like slab earthquake has happened in the middle of my life and I’ve got no idea what to do now.

I didn't want to read and run OP. I'm so sorry that you are going through this and it must have been such a shock. One thing I've thought of is counselling because you've just lost a relationship that is dear to you and it might help. Just take things day by day. Did you tell the mutual friends or did he? Sometimes people don't know what to say or don't want to appear to take sides so say nothing instead. Do you have good friends who you can turn to?
It may be that your husband felt that your lives were growing apart. Please don't see yourself as unattractive 💐

comefeelthenoise I've just noticed that he's said he didn't even want to work on the marriage. That's very unfair. No wonder you are feeling lost. Do you think he's been seeing someone else?

I feel for you. I've been through the exact same as you last year. I was married for 21 years with 2 children. And everything you wrote sounds very familiar. It really hurts...a lot! The thought of someone you love not being in your life anymore has a real sting to it. I lost all our mutual friends which sucks.

Have you suggested marriage counselling? Do you think another person may be involved?

One thing I've found is that people on this site know what it's like to be seriously hurt in a relationship so it's quite a good place to get support

There is probably another woman. Mutual friends may have known, and generally it is the wife that gets dropped.
He waited until after Christmas (how gallant!).

You gather round you your friends (single women if you can) and family for support
You get legal and financial advice.
You do your wailing on the break up thread or 30-days only, not too much in RL, as you will want to wail a lot.

You get through each day. It will hurt like hell, but you'll keep going, and one day it will hurt a lot less and one day you will realise you have moved on.

Why do you think your friends aren’t being supportive? Were they surprised at the news? I wonder if he’s been confiding his plan to end it with them.

Relationship break downs and massive life changes are shattering. Have you seen a lawyer? Has he or is he planning to file for divorce? What would you like to happen with the house? Living together any longer isn’t going to work as you can’t even begin to come to terms with his decision. I hope you’re not doing his washing or making his meals...

The support on here is priceless. I got advice I didn't want to read, and sure some of it was rubbish (watch out for 'after the watershed' posting, people can get meaner) but generally it was good and well meaning advice, and it helped to know it wasn't just me going through heartache.

I don’t think there’s someone else. He has been depressed for a long time and says he wants to be on his own. Generally he’s a loner but I feel like he’s punishing himself for something. There’s no time when he would be able to meet anyone else but I’m not ruling out an emotional affair.

We got married young- at 19, but never had children which was a bone of contention. One his reasons for ending it was being sure he didn’t want kids and that he doesn’t want to hold me back.

I was incredibly close to his siblings, especially his DS and DM. Apart from a text from them both I’ve heard nothing else. And that really hurts.

You are 34 and you have a chance to put him behind you. In 6 years time you could have a completely different life, maybe with a new DH and 2.4 children or whatever.

Might not feel like it now but it could be one of the best things that happens to you.

Look up the scriptx

I’m too upset and anxious to even imagine there’s another woman. I feel sick. I honestly feel so so low, I don’t know how I’ll ever feel better. Honestly thinking about living alone without him sends me into a panic: my heart races and I can’t even breathe.

No man ever ends a marriage unless there is another woman on the horizon - It's the mumsnet law!

It is generally true.

Women will kick a man out for being a shit or for another man, but men usually leave for a woman.

I can't think of any marriage/committed relationship break-ups that weren't one of these.
I have seen LTRs split because one of them had lost interest in the other or they had just drifted apart.

In your case OP, if he really is depressed, then he might just have lost interest, but please move on.

Find out where you stand legally and financially and get on with getting over it.

Sorry to hear this. It's devastating especially if it's not what you want. Surround yourself with support as best you can as you will need some shoulders to cry on for a while.

Also be kind to yourself. They say the end of a relationship is just like grief so it's totally normal how you are feeling now. Allow your mind and body to go through the process and don't worry about trying to hold it together all the time. Some places you kind of have to as best you can but if you need to cry it's ok to do that.

Try to take each day at a time. Don't try and deal with how you will cope for the whole of the rest of your life. Focus on dealing with today. Then you get to tomorrow and you deal with that. You can do this. It hurts like hell but you can do it.

Thank you everyone. We’ve had the horrendous financial chat. But the house we lived in was owned by his family and I had agreed at the beginning of the marriage it would be separate to my own home which was purchased as an asset and which has tenants living in right now for another 18m.

The idea of packing up the house and moving out leaving him here kills me. We picked every part of this house together. I can’t bear to think of another woman here.

I know so many people say they don’t think there is another woman but I hope there isn’t. He’s looked me in the eyes and promised me that to not be the case. Unfortunately many of my family are dead or live literally on the other side of the world so my family support system here is non-existent, although I have great friends.

We get on so well. We laugh, we joke. We are best friends- maybe too much like friends for the past few years but there’s so much love between us. It’s like a lights gone out and he’s checked out.

I feel such a fool- all my friends are married with kids and I’m starting again at 35 with a failed marriage and no kids and I feel hopeless.

I’m usually a lot more ballsy than this. But I’m empty right now.

Thanks for all your support and suggestions. I’d love to hear of other people who have been in this situation who can advise on what to do next.!

Just wanted to update in case anyone had any more suggestions to offer!

It’s now a week since DH dropped the bomb and I’m busy trying to find somewhere to live. I still can’t believe this is happening to me and veer between feeling desperately low and just able to lift my head off the pillow. I can’t even look at him without sobbing- I still love him and fancy him so much, why is he doing this to me?

Not even sure when I’ll feel better or stronger. I still can’t face life without him.

for you
It must be so hard if you have been together since so young and maybe you have not ever lived alone.
It will be a massive adjustment
But you will get through it and out the other side. You said maybe it had been more like friendship in the past few years - you deserve more than that. You are young enough to start again and build a new life, in time when you have been able to process and get over this loss.

I think it is hard what you are going through. Don’t focus on the other woman comments. It’s not always the case. I ended a 12 year relationship once because my feelings had changed. I knew that my partner loved me more than I loved them and I felt it wasn’t fair. They held me on a pedestal but I had just lost that feeling. The friends bit you mentioned was true in this case too. That’s what we had become. The passion had gone. As for working on it, if you know deep down that it’s over then there is no point going to counselling. Unfortunately you can’t do anything about the way he feels.

Other than depression, the reason why one person isn't happy with the other is that their needs aren't being met. One side is content, whilst the other is unfulfilled. What have your arguments or disagreements been about over the years? Is he a generally open, communicative person or does he bottle things up? You met when you were so young and it's very possible that his needs are different now because he's developed as a person.

I feel really bad for you because you love him. The only thing I can advise is give yourself regular things to look forward to. Is there a festival or destination you've always wanted to go to but never have? Is there a class you've always wanted to attend? I know it won't solve your problems but I'm just thinking about adding a little light to a dark time.

I’m sure you feel like the rug has been pulled from under your world? I did when it happened to me I was 35 no kids, been with him since 17. He was having an affair and didnt love me anymore.

It was shocking, overwhelming, I felt sick, I couldnt eat and felt desperate. I couldnt imagine a future without him and just wanted to turn the clock back. I thought I’d never get over it. I was wrong.

You cant live together. He needs to move out to give you time to absorb it. Its unreasonable for him to expect you to just make arrangements to move out because he doesnt want to be with you. Seeing him will not help you deal with this. Its like picking at a scab, you will not heal. It’s nothing to do with your attractiveness.

Take one day at a time; let your friends help you. Try not to think too much about the future - think of future as this week, tomorrow etc. Do things that make you feel good, facials, massages etc. Perhaps get some counselling - does your workplace offer this? Do you know any friends this has happened to to talk to - it helps.

Im so sorry, its horrible but you will be ok. I was and you will be too.

I really want to give you reassurance that you will feel better in the future, honestly you will. It is going to take time to get to that stage but you will get there no matter how low you feel right now. Please know there are brighter days ahead.

My personal advice would be to live separately right now, I know you don't want to face this but it is the only way you are going to start to deal with your new situation. Seeing your husband every day, knowing that he wants to end your marriage, is going to be prolonging the pain and disbelief. It is the most hurtful thing when a spouse does this. All of a sudden you just don't recognise your husband or your life anymore and it can be genuinely frightening.

Look after yourself now. You need to speak to someone about what you are going through whether this is a close friend, relative or counsellor but you need to confide in someone.

Also please get legal advice regarding your situation. It is important this is dealt with fairly financially for you.

I know others have mentioned the possibility of another woman and I'm not saying there is one but please keep an open mind about this (more to prepare and protect yourself) incase anything comes to light in the future.

You are the important one in this now and everything you do from this moment on should be with you and your future in mind.

Thinking about you OP

How are you today OP?

I had the rug similarly pulled out from under me. If it hadn't been for my children (which weren't his), I wouldn't be here now. I was so utterly devastated - I adored that man; he was my best friend, my companion, my rock and support. And now it was over.

There IS life on the other side, OP. Just grit your teeth and get through this immediate future. Day by day it will get better. I'm a few years down the line now and I couldn't be happier.

Thank you everyone for your words and hating your experiences.

Today I’m angry. Angry he’s treated me so appallingly and can chuck away all this time and life without even a second glance. He doesn’t seem upset- he’s not celebrating by any stretch but he doesn’t look like he is grieving the way I am.

Now I’m suspicious there is someone else and that makes me livid. But it’s a conflicting feeling as I still deeply fancy and love him. Maddeningly then urge to jump his bones is even more urgent right now. But overall I’m devastated this has come to this. I just wish I could turn back time.

And now my focus begins on straightening out my life and looking at getting my shit back on track. I’m worried about meeting someone new but even more certain I want children. Wondering when is a right time to put yourself out there- not ready yet but will be soon.

So yes- today I’m angry and a bit sad. But tomorrow who knows. This really is a rollercoaster!

*sharing not hating!

Yes it is a rollercoaster one day angry, sad, then hopeful, happy... in time, trust me!

Just take each day as it comes. Do nice things to make yourself feel better. Dont think too far ahead as its too overwhelming. The gym was my saving grace got rid of all that emotional turmoil in my stomach. It helped a lot.

Are u going to move out? I think its mean of him if you have to..