Can I trust him?

[hepperhip]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I just don't feel I can trust him. He has messaged his exes in the past before via facebook, usually when we have fallen out. He always says its to get at me and raise a reaction. He ended up giving me his password as I couldn't trust him after this.
We have recently hit another rocky patch. I was going to block him and try to move on but he talked me round again. We made up yesterday. Today I looked at his account and he had sent a message saying happy birthday to his ex, with a x and a cute emoji. I asked him about it and he said she's a family friend and hes known her forever. To my knowledge, he hasn't wished her happy birthday whilst I have known him or even mentioned her. He didn't see her birthday on facebook a friend told him apparently. I feel like im just being made a fool of, again. Would you feel hurt by this or am I overreacting?

You know that the answer is no.

Do you feel like you can accept what that means, is the mire important question, OP

I think I need to move on. I feel like hes doing it on purpose, some kind of sick game.

From my experience, these are red flags. He sounds immature and maybe lacks self control. Like @Nikhedonia said, you know the answer yourself. Don’t settle, you deserve better x

he says I have destroyed things with my antics...all I do is react to things he does. Im always questioning myself. He didn't even bother to wish me happy new year until the 2nd of jan. yet goes out of his way to wish an ex happy birthday. Ffs.

Oh gosh, do you think he gaslights you?
How old is he by the way, he sounds chaldishh.

he is 37. Ive caught him in so many lies but he always turns it onto me. As if I am a psycho. Im not. I just constantly try to see the good. Im not perfect but I can't help but react. I feel like its gaslighting. The relationship is on its last legs and hes still trying to get the attention of exes. :(

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Just because I’ve seen patterns like this in big age gap relationships. You deserve better than to waste your time on an average guy who is wanting to make you jealous, get the attention of his exes and then flip it on to you and make you question your own mind. He needs to grow up. Remember woman, you are a queen. Don’t settle.

You are not happy. That's more than enough reason to end it.

im 36. I guess I should know better by now. Its been going on for so long I just find it hard to walk away.

If you stay, In five years you will be mourning the years that you let go down the drain just so you could hold onto something that was barely there. You know it isn’t good, I guess it’s really up to you. Maybe talk to women’s aid? Just for some professional advice. I’m sure there’s more to the story, which is why you may find it so difficult to let go.

You're so right. Theres a lot more. Im constantly on the end of emotional abuse and even physical intimidation at times. Its got to stop.

I had an ex exactly like this. Every single argument he would message an ex and/or join tinder, to 'put me in my place'. Of course it was always my fault for 'arguing' (read: stood up for myself and pulled him up for being an abusive arse).

My only regret is that I didn't walk away sooner.

...he talked me round again. Ive caught him in so many lies but he always turns it onto me.

Why aren’t lying and manipulation dealbreakers for you? Don’t you deserve better?

You don't deserve his shit. He's shown you who he is. Make 2020 the year you put you and your happiness first. Ditching an abusive man is very liberating in my experience

I know I need to leave it. When he says im overthinking I second guess myself, he says im toxic. But I feel sure its not me :(.

OP, you cannot be with someone who thinks you are toxic

If he thinks I am toxic why does he keep calling and messaging, every time I try to move on and heal. And then I think things are getting better...and I see he's contacting exes again:(.

Ive caught him in so many lies but he always turns it onto me
Jeez OP - just end it.
He's a mind fuck and he's a fucking loser.
You cannot trust him.
No trust = No relationship.
Move on and leave this one to his games.
He can play them with someone else.
Stop falling for his bullshit.
He doesn't think you are toxic. He's trying to make you feel like shite and like everything is YOUR fault. It's not - It's ALL him!!!
Block, ignore, delete.

Are you living together?

He tells lies.
He gaslights you.
He's physically intimidating.

He sounds horrible, frankly. There's a much nicer guy out there for you.

Trauma bonding.

He doesn't think you're toxic, but he knows that trashing your self esteem gives him a lot of power over you, which is all this is about.

He likes controlling you, he likes feeling powerful, that's why he won't end things or let you easily walk away.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

If you want to end things you need to find the resolve within yourself to do so rather than hoping he will do it for you or hoping he'll suddenly change.

He won't. This is how he wants things.

End it and block him everywhere. Do not engage with him or anything connected to him. Focus on your healing.

Life can be so much better than this - if you're ready to take control of your life again.

Thank you. I'm not a toxic person, I know it deep down. Nobody else has ever said that. He's only happy when I'm being nice and not mentioning his faults basically. And I have put up with such a lot. It's surely not acceptable to be messaging exes whether it's their bloody birthday or what, he must be trying to get her attention. I just hate how it makes me feel, and I want to not be controlled by his behaviour. Im glad you guys agree I'm not overreacting. I wish I could just block it out and move on. I'm sure eventually I will. I hope I can.

Get rid of this loser.

He's like a fucking millstone round your neck.

Oh my lord I could’ve written that exact same post myself op!

Identical. I’ve caught mine time after time and guess what there’s always an excuse or it’s my fault.

We had a tricky start to our relationship and I did some wrongs but I put an end to it a long time ago.

My soon to be ex partner friend requested his wife in December in fb claiming he wanted to see something she’d put in fb to do with their sons 18th. I knew nothing but went looking as I dont trust him. Guess what it was all my fault because I went looking!! Go figure.........

He has constantly given her hope as well as messaged woman whilst pissed to anyone active on fb when he needs an ego boost. I’m sick of hearing I’m sorry. In fact he no longer even says he’s sorry!

For the record he had me remove my ex from fb and it’s partly his fault me and my ex have such an horrendous relationship now. It’s like he showered me in love until he got what he wanted. Even complained I had my married name on fb!

I kept with it as I know he has mental health issues. I’m afraid my patience is wearing thin.

I’ve been a mug.

Get your strength up and tell him to do one and focus on you. Something I’m finally doing.

You need to block him too. These ones are like boomerangs.

Wow have we been seeing the same person?! Mine is exactly the same, calls me paranoid crazy etc cos I go looking, as don't trust him. Seems Facebook is quite the thing for these types. He used to constantly accuse me but that's tapered off to this crap. Doesn't apologise anymore either, it's happened so many times. I get mad and send angry texts sometimes but it's a reaction really. I think we know in our gut if they are up to something, it's always right. And yes you're right they always come back. Maybe not if someone else shows interest, but time will tell.
Mine also has mental health issues and extreme paranoia at times.
The best reaction to give is to block and forget. I feel ashamed of myself that I've accepted such poor treatment.
But there's just something inside keeps holding me back and thinking maybe it's me. He says I've destroyed what "we had" as I always want to fight. That isn't true. He even said let's just be friends, I said he's no friend of mine. But inside I'm all torn up and I keep repeating the pattern. It really is awful.