Is there a name for this

[Wasail]

I’m divorcing H, one day in November I realised that I simply could not go on in the relationship, I’d had enough. I have been seeing a therapist since and she has helped me to see the coercion and financial abuse that I was unable to see while I was trying to stay married but I am still trying to work through my feelings and understand what has been going on.

One of the big problems in my marriage was communication, I have found it increasingly difficult and frustrating trying to talk to H. Today was a good example- I had asked him to get some information from a friend of his about something specific. I knew that he had spoken to his friend today so I asked him what the answer was? H then asked what the answer was to what? So I had to reiterate the question, H then gave me a completely different answer to an unrelated question. So I had to rephrase the question so that it was phrased in exactly the right way in order to get the answer I needed. Thing is H knew the question, he knew exactly what I wanted to know he just wouldn’t answer it until the question was correct.

This sort of conversation is typical of our relationship. It’s infuriating and has left me believing that I am a crap communicator because I struggle to construct the questions/ sentences in exactly the correct way so that they will be understood. It’s become a huge barrier because I’m stuck before I even start in a mental conflict over how to formulate my sentences. I thought it was me as I’m severely dyslexic so I know I have problems with words. I asked my (also very dyslexic) brother about it and how he copes and he said he has no such issue and everyone manages to understand him perfectly no matter how mangled he manages to make some sentences. Thinking about it everyone else does seem to manage to understand me, it is only H who seems to struggle.

So H has been deliberately making communication very, difficult. He has other tactics for when I do persist- filibustering, walking away while talking, insisting that certain conversations can only be had at the kitchen table face to face (not in the car or while walking for e.g). He also uses sort of “mike drop” type statements to which there is very little room for argument. I am trying to think of an example but I can’t right now.

Anyway I am trying to work out if there is a name for this type of behaviour? A friend suggested “stone walling” but it seems more, I don’t know, insidious than that?

Being twattish

He’s a pedant .
What’s more he’s a spiteful pedant .
It obviously makes him feel very important to hold court in this way and dominate the conversation. I’d love to know what he does in his working life .

Emotional abuse

Yeah it's called being a cock

Honestly don't tie yourself up in knots trying to put names to his bad behaviour. It's ultimately trying to excuse it and bear in mind he won't be psychoanalysing you right now

Peace comes when you move on

Belittling

Twattish is a good description of him.
And definitely a pedant, he has a job that suits pedantry in part. He no longer has a wife who will tolerate it.

The analysis is more for me. I’m annoyed with myself for being so tolerant for so long and for thinking it was me 🙄

It does sound a bit like emotional abuse, the insisting on controlling where/how you have convos etc, and fucking with you. So glad you're leaving him! Well done xxx

I'm in process of walking away from a man like this constant belittling and nastiness only interested in himself and blames me if I try to talk to him I'm causing a arguement truth is hes too fucking thick to do anything for himself and is like a leech draining me I'm slowly planning my exit I suggest you do same darl.....its called been a emotionally abusive dickhead syndrome!

So if you muddled bought with brought he would pretend not to understand what you were saying? ( that kind of thing? ). Yes he’s either a pendant or is obtuse. I would tell him that when he’s divorced and sitting on his own in his lonely life he can comfort himself with his marvellous superiority. Don’t accept it one more time OP. Not. One. More.Time.

He accuses me of being aggressive when I’m assertive, raises his voice but constantly tells me not to raise mine.
I am leaving him, and I’m surprised how happy and confident I feel about that. I can’t wait to be rid.
It’s just that when I try to explain why to people my reasons always seem minor and insignificant, I can’t seem to build the whole lot up into a big picture of why. Only that I have had enough, being married doesn’t suit me as much as it suits him. It seems to sound selfish.

@Wasail, I like your confidence in seeing clearly that he is the problem here, not your communication skilIs! I have recently separated from a spiteful pedant who would frequently and deliberately misunderstand what I was saying (in order, I am convinced, to try and make me feel small). He also had the habit of picking up on a single -inconsequential -word I had chosen in a sentence and go on about how I should have used a different word. Jerk.

Obtuse is a word I like, if I used brought instead of bought I would probably be corrected but my question would not be answered. One day I may start throwing things if he does this (I won’t really but in my head ...)

Just read your latest update. This was my life too. Every thing you said. Thrilled to be out, wouldn't go back for all the money in the world. It is so insidious and so frustrating to not be able to, as you said build the whole lot up into a big picture of why even though it is very clear that the whole 20 year relationship was stuffed to the brim with emotional abuse.

@everthingbackbutyou sounds like you may be H’s other wife . Yes he is a jerk.

It's emotional abuse. He's deliberately trying to annoy you or upset you or demonstrate that he has power over you. When you get to the stage you only have to communicate by email or text I suggest you add in a lot of extra unnecessary punctuation. Or leave it out. Don't use capital letters when you should, and put them in when you shouldn't.

What a bastard.

I was always accused of raising my voice, always walked away from when I hadn't finished speaking, always having any of the issues I raised turned back on me. Effectively silenced.

@Apileofballyhoo, I LOVE your suggestion and intend to implement it in my life, starting today!!!

@Wasail, it particularly grinds my gears because -

1. He would pronounce words incorrectly on a regular basis and I had to keep my mouth firmly shut about it because he's such a delicate flower that perceived criticism of any kind was met with a swift verbal attack from him
2. My communication skills suck so bad that I did my GCSE English Language A YEAR EARLY.

He can really just suck it.

truth is hes too fucking thick to do anything for himself and is like a leech draining me

I had one if those once upon a time @Potato1980, stick to your plan.

He's basically trying to whip you with your own dyslexia...sounds like a form of gaslighting and control.

Wanting peace in your life is not selfish btw OP, remember that.

Spiteful, unkind, belittling, manipulative, controlling, crazy making, gas lighting contemptuous, verbally abusive and information withholding.

Or.... being a dick to make you feel small because he can. He's not your friend here and he's enjoying twisting the knife.

He sounds vile. My xh used to love withholding information from me (you could actually see if in his face) .. it's a power thing. Try not to give him the opportunity to do it any more than absolutely necessary.

Also, for other people maybe just have one line like "although he can seem nice to other people, he wasn't very kind to me at home at all".

People who get it, will get it straight away. 💐

Sounds like my exh. He never answers a question directly, he always seeks to find a hidden agenda or meaning. He also puts a “spin” on things to make out he is the good guy.

Just this week I asked about his thoughts on our daughter starting brownies from rainbows. I got an email the day before it was due to start. Short notice but one of those things.

As usual he asks for the email. Ive grown to know if I do send him the email he won’t keep me in the loop, he will just email the leader directly and tell me nothing. So I tell him that I’m having trouble with my emails but if he’s happy with her going (it falls on his night) I would like to occasionally take her/pick up and would he agree.

To which he then answered (After a sarcastic reply) he doesn’t think starting a new group now is a good idea (we are locked in a court battle regarding him wanting to move). He could’ve easily said this in his first text. This is typical of his controlling behaviour. Every small thing gets blown up. He wants the control and then accuses me of using our daughter as a pawn. Honestly he’s lost the plot!

This is a typical narcissist behaviour and sounds like you might be dealing with one also. I have about 7 pages of this type of stuff noted.

My exh cannot stand the fact I ended the marriage. The fool thinks I regret it now, nearly 4 years on! Narcs think very highly of themselves!

Best of luck. I now ignore it but it’s taken me a long time. I no longer bite back. That just feeds him.

For other people who enquire have a few stock answers:

It was like death by a thousand cuts.
It was the small things, he never made me a cup of tea, even when I was sick.
He was very critical about things every day so I ended up walking on eggshells so he wouldn't start.
He seemed to find me incredibly annoying and it was very bad for my self esteem.
I don't think he loved me anymore as he wasn't nice to me but he didn't want the hassle of splitting up.
He got annoyed/impatient easily.
He didn't like me meeting friends.

For anybody particularly unsupportive:
He kept criticising my family/friends, especially you. He said you were too loud/fat/thin/blunt/flash/tight/blonde/well-dressed/slobby/boring.

Yes to withholding information. It’s a daily chore to get things out of him. He’ll start with something like “I saw DS head master today” then not give anymore information. If I want to know I have to ask and ask it the right way or he won’t actually give me the crucial bit because “oh but that’s not what you asked” 😡. I have learnt to simply say “that’s nice for you” then wait, sometimes hours for him to come back with “don’t you want to know what we discussed?”.

My emails and texts are full of bad acronyms and grammatical errors, I have always blamed my dyslexia but the truth is far more petty .

@5**@5LeafClover @Loveabitofrain, sounds like your exes are cut from the same cloth as mine. My stbxh wants to know everything about everything from me but is very cagey about disclosing any information about himself. It must really suck for him when I don't try and dig for further info (because that is what he would like).
He is also the master of throwing a spanner in the works at the last minute to remind me who he thinks is in charge. Last weekend I took him up on his offer to take my Christmas tree to be chipped up as his car is bigger than mine. Then, after an exchange of several texts (and 5 minutes before he was due at my place,) he sends a casual text asking if I have any cash lying around for donation to the organisation that is chipping up the Christmas trees. I'm pretty certain he knew bloody well I wouldn't have, as I rarely carry cash. Now of course I am in a big panic trying to find some cash as I know he will give me a hard time about it if I don't have any. I liken this behaviour to the text equivalent of a mike drop.
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