I’m divorcing H, one day in November I realised that I simply could not go on in the relationship, I’d had enough. I have been seeing a therapist since and she has helped me to see the coercion and financial abuse that I was unable to see while I was trying to stay married but I am still trying to work through my feelings and understand what has been going on.
One of the big problems in my marriage was communication, I have found it increasingly difficult and frustrating trying to talk to H. Today was a good example- I had asked him to get some information from a friend of his about something specific. I knew that he had spoken to his friend today so I asked him what the answer was? H then asked what the answer was to what? So I had to reiterate the question, H then gave me a completely different answer to an unrelated question. So I had to rephrase the question so that it was phrased in exactly the right way in order to get the answer I needed. Thing is H knew the question, he knew exactly what I wanted to know he just wouldn’t answer it until the question was correct.
This sort of conversation is typical of our relationship. It’s infuriating and has left me believing that I am a crap communicator because I struggle to construct the questions/ sentences in exactly the correct way so that they will be understood. It’s become a huge barrier because I’m stuck before I even start in a mental conflict over how to formulate my sentences. I thought it was me as I’m severely dyslexic so I know I have problems with words. I asked my (also very dyslexic) brother about it and how he copes and he said he has no such issue and everyone manages to understand him perfectly no matter how mangled he manages to make some sentences. Thinking about it everyone else does seem to manage to understand me, it is only H who seems to struggle.
So H has been deliberately making communication very, difficult. He has other tactics for when I do persist- filibustering, walking away while talking, insisting that certain conversations can only be had at the kitchen table face to face (not in the car or while walking for e.g). He also uses sort of “mike drop” type statements to which there is very little room for argument. I am trying to think of an example but I can’t right now.
Anyway I am trying to work out if there is a name for this type of behaviour? A friend suggested “stone walling” but it seems more, I don’t know, insidious than that?