Husband and parents

[Itsveryshiny]

Im desperate for an advise. I am Nepalese and my husband is english. We are going to Nepal for 3 weeks so that my parents will see their 2 grandchildren. However my husband thinks that my mother doesnt like him around and he prefers to “stay out of the way”. My mother is not good with english and finds it difficult to understand english accent. But that doesnt mean that she dislikes my husband. Shes just really shy and probably embarrassed. I kept telling my husband that but it doesnt seem to work. Also while in Nepal were gonna stay in my parents house for 3 weeks. So im gonna have to put up with him just moaning about everything. I dont want them to dislike each other. Just need advise on the best way to deal with it as it is just stressing me out. Also i dont want this to affect our marriage.

Didn't want to read this and not reply.

It must be very stressful for you as you don't get to see your Mum very much. You must be looking forward to seeing her. It is very selfish of your DH to be difficult about the visit.

Another time I think I'd say go and see your Mum without him!

He needs to understand that you are with him 49 weeks a year and you only have three weeks with your Mum.

Perhaps it is best if he does "stay out of the way”. Is there some project you can get him
helping with? Is he good at tasks around the house or garden. If he could do some painting or decorating then that would keep
Him distracted and your Mum might be grateful for the help?

Otherwise he needs to just grow up and be nice to your Mum for three weeks.

@lonelyplanetmum yes it is very frustrating because none of my family thinks that he needs to stay out of the way. Its just my husband being so negative about everything. He thinks he will be so bored in my parents house for 3 weeks. And worried because he wants to have a drink every night and that its difficult to do it there. Although i have made plans of things to do and places to go everyday just to make him happy. I think my husband is just being selfish.

Ok I kind of get where your husband comes from. My partners mum isn’t English and I struggle with her accent so conversation is really difficult between us. On top of that she isn’t super welcoming so I understand why your husband may feel awkward.
However I love my partner very much and when necessary I make an effort with his mum and go with him to visit on many occasions. As you don’t see your mum often he should suck it up and stop complaining. I dread going to see my mil but I do it for my partner because I love him dearly. He is being selfish.

I think my husband is just being selfish. He is, probably. That and embarrassed, uncertain, bored... but mainly selfish, if not having a drink and putting up with his wife's mum's lack of English is such a chore, once in a while!

Tell him to grow up and put his best foot forward... or stay at home!

It's only 3 weeks. Your parents deserve a relationship with your children too.

Do you spend much time with his family?

He really needs to make the effort and not make the trip miserable for you.

@Kayleigh12 my mom is super welcoming, she hugs and kisses him and asks him how he is. She just cant do long conversations. But shes lovely. I think youre amazing despite your mil not too welcoming but you try your best.
I know he loves me but he can be selfish too.

@CuriousaboutSamphire i wish i could tell him all that but im not good with arguments and my brain just shuts down and i just end up crying. 😓

That’s really sad that he’s making you so anxious about something you must also be very excited about. Do you think he wants to stop you wanting to go at all?
Is he controlling in other ways?
I’m sorry that you feel so upset when trying to state your point of view, that’s not a nice way to feel.

@GiveHerHellFromUs i know, ONLY 3 weeks of every 2 or 3 years. It upsets me that they dont get to see their grandchildren a lot.
I see his family once or twice every month and i never complain.
We havent even been on the trip yet and i am already feeling the misery.

@Herocomplex no, i dont think so. He wants me to see my family but going there is very expensive and thats what stops us.. originally he wanted us to stay in a hotel, but i just find it so awkward and disrespectful that we stay in a hotel in a city where my parents live. I think thats just stupid. Yes he can be controlling but not all the time.

Honestly just tell him if he's rude to your family that's going to cross the line for you and it will cause some serious problems.

He can put on his smiley face and then not have to worry for another 2 years at a minimum. It won't do him any harm.

Controlling sometimes is too often.

This here is pretty controlling, making it so difficult and stressful to see your family, getting in the way of your relationship with them.

Three weeks is a long time for him to have to be with someone he can't communicate with very well, and doesn't know very well, in that person's house so basically 24/7. Was there no way you could stay somewhere else?

I found it hard work staying with my ex-inlaws for a week when I first met them and I couldn't speak the language. You're constantly bombarded with unfamiliar sights, sounds and smells and being asked to do things you are not used to. It can be quite overwhelming, and tiring. My inlaws were welcoming enough, but wouldn't leave you in peace for a minute - I couldn't just sit down and relax with a book in their living room as they would come up within a minute and laugh at me for being such a bookworm or for not sitting with them in confused silence and incomprehension in the kitchen. After a few hours of sitting politely smiling, my eyes would be literally closing of their own accord, and in the evenings I'd be counting the minutes until I could go to bed. My inlaws would be pissed off if I wanted to go to bed at half past ten and not stay up another hour like them. It was torture; however nice their intentions, they did not understand how exhasting it was.

He shouldn't be accusing your parents of being unfriendly. But why can't he get out of the way? Or why can't you go for three weeks while he just comes over for a week?

Could you compromise and spend some of time in a hotel and some of the time at your parents? Or (possibly for the future now) could he just go over for the first week, and you stay for another couple of weeks, just you and the children?

I hate staying with anyone else, full stop, so I would find it really hard to spend 3 weeks with someone, let alone someone I don't know very well and can't easily communicate with.

I recently spent three nights at my own mother's house and was quite apprehensive about that!

Personally I think 3 weeks is a long time for him to stay there. I'd break it up a bit and stay in a hotel for a week or so. Have a talk with dh and explain how special this time is and that if he feels unliked to a certain extent hes going to have to get on with it and not moan.
My dh and my mum use to have a bit of a tense relationship and everyone could feel it. I put alot of it down to them coming a d spending a lot of time with us staying in our house when our kids were babies (we lived abroad) My dh did say after they shouted at each other once that from now on he would change his attitude and think of me & kids even if something was said to him. My mum has reacted to this change and all is well. they came for Christmas this year for a week and stayed with us for 4 nights- it was lovely and everyone got on.

Good luck!

@Itsveryshiny in that case then I really don’t see his problem. Try and explain how it makes you feel and that you think he should be trying a little harder considering you don’t see her often. And I would also consider going alone with your children in future also so you can enjoy your mum without worrying about your husband being there.

Is this the only holiday for your family this year? I would hate to stay in someone's house for 3 weeks who I wasn't comfortable with. Especially if it took all the funds and stopped and actual family holiday.

When you marry someone who has family elsewhere then incorporating visits, or enabling y you our spouse to do so, is part of the deal.

In the same way if you go and live abroad you have to commit significant parts of your annual leave to returning home for visits to see parents etc.

Your DH needs to re-address his perspective. He has three weeks to spend with his children. If he's bored he can think well I won't come next time. It's only 3 weeks every few years. Why not help his in laws out with any household tasks as presumably he's younger and fitter than them!

This guy isn't refusing to go or stopping OP from going. He's going along despite it making him very uncomfortable - and is trying to negotiate the right to get some time off from socialising. It's OP who's unwilling to compromise.

Isn't seeing her parents once every 2-3 years sufficient sacrifice on the OPs part - without having to meet his requirements for those three weeks?

That sacrifice is related to OP chossing to marry and bring up a family abroad, and presumably to the cost of travelling and perhaps a wish to go on holiday elsewhere occasionally. If it is due to her husband's wishes, I missed that.

Her DH not wanting to spend 3 weeks sitting politely smiling at his MIL is not something that has to be balanced against OP's lack of time with her family.

@RedskyAtnight yes we will be away for a week in between.. we have plans to go around everyday and i will be taking him out in the evenings so he can have a drink.. were not really staying in my parents house all day.. but still not a happy man.

@ravenmum when i married this man i knew and accepted that my life now is away from my parents. I never wanted to live near my parents anyway. The only time he had to compromise is that 3 weeks. I had to compromise my whole damn life for this man.
Anyway i made up my mind. Next time i want to see my parents its just gonna be me and my children. I wont even ask him if he wants to come with us. Less expensive and less stress.

Next time i want to see my parents its just gonna be me and my children.

Yes- good decision- you can perhaps go a little bit more often without an extra adult flight to pay for!