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Original poster

I think SIL hates me.

42 replies

IamVikki · 07/01/2020 19:10

So, as it says I don't think my sister in law likes me.

She has now come out and said that she only wants to see DP (her brother) on his own - without me. And when pointing out that his only free time is the weekends which is the main time he gets to spend with DD1&2 (he works 11hour days) she said oh well we will have to find another time - thus suggesting she doesn't even want to see her nieces!

She also, rarely talks to me or replies to my messages, doesn't wish me a happy birthday and send separate happy Xmas wishes (one to DP and one to me & DD's), and when I send invites out she doesn't feel like she has to rsvp at all (even when I ask for rsvp by a certain date).

We have asked her before what her issue is with me but she denies anything and says she treats me like everyone else, which clearly isn't true.

There is more but thats for another time. Am I nuts, or has she got an issue with me? Anyone got a SIL like this or situation like this?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2020 19:12

She’s definitely got an issue with you. If you’ve asked and she denies it nothing you can do.

Are your PIL around?

mbosnz · 07/01/2020 19:15

What does your DH say to this? Mine would be saying, well you won't be seeing much of me then, will you sis'. . .

Scarsthelot · 07/01/2020 19:18

Surely he can spend a couple of hours with his sister on one occasion on a weekend.

Maybe she wants to actually tall to him about what the issue is. Or will open up when it's just them 2.

Original poster
IamVikki · 07/01/2020 21:00

Yeah FIL and SMIL are around, but she's pretty much the same with her step mum and FIL treats her like a princess - she can do no wrong.
DP has said he's not fussed about making a specific plan to see her on his own because he doesn't want to waste his family time away from the family.

He has tried before to talk to her on her own about it, like grown ups, and she basically just went crying to daddy and everyone else in the family told her she had done nothing wrong, and said that DP was out of order to even suggest as such. I have suggested he just meet her for coffee or something, but he says no - I can't make him.

I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being overly dramatic, etc, but I alway invite her to things, we always get her Xmas presents and birthday cards, and I make sure DP always responds to her texts or calls - given the choice he wouldn't bother 9/10 times!

OP posts:
Boysnme · 07/01/2020 21:04

Just stop bothering. Leave her to your DH and if he isn’t interested in a relationships with her then they don’t have one.

katy1213 · 07/01/2020 21:05

I haven't a clue when my sister-in-laws' birthdays are. I don't hate them. But they are very peripheral to my life.

bigchris · 07/01/2020 21:09

Agree, just stop bothering

Don't invite her

Don't send birthday cards

Don't slag her off , re dh - leave it all with him and she misses out on her lovely nieces,

WonderWomanBra · 07/01/2020 21:13

Gosh!Maybe she is jealous of you?!I cant think of anything else.She has a complex anyway.Sounds like you have tried and tried and clearly she isn't bothered about it.I say leave her to it.Some people are naturally like that.

MorrisZapp · 07/01/2020 21:16

Why are you arsed? I have three SILs who I like a lot, the best they get from me on their birthday is a Facebook greeting.

Get on with your life, don't factor her in.

FraglesRock · 07/01/2020 22:43

Why are you giving so much time and headspace to someone who is out and out rude to you?
He meets he if he can be bothered to sort it.
He texts back if he can be bothered
He rings....
He buys presents...
He sends a card...

None of this would be down to be to do or remind him about. She's not your family and is bloody rude. Sack her off

Scarsthelot · 08/01/2020 07:03

DP has said he's not fussed about making a specific plan to see her on his own because he doesn't want to waste his family time away from the family.

Maybe this is the problem.

I find it odd that anyone, working full time or not, would never plan something (occasionally) something if it doensnt include their kids

Are you seriously saying neither of you ever do anything without the kids or the your partner? You never go for a meal with your mum, or friends?

I dont believe he spends every hour outside work with the kids.

If he just isnt interested, he just isnt. In which case, dont let it bother you. She doesnt really matter, if he isnt fussed about her.

Original poster
IamVikki · 08/01/2020 07:09

Thank you all for the replies, I think I bother so much because I don't want people to think that I haven't tried, and because I don't want DP to lose a relationship with his sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamVikki · 08/01/2020 07:14

Scarsthelot, we don't spend time away from the kids or each other. We don't have much family that we would choose to trust with them (for various reasons) and we can't afford to put them in nursery or anything. So, I think since DD1 was born she has spent one day a year with my folks (DD2 obviously joined in when she was born). Apart from that I am with them 24/7 and DP is when he isn't at work. I don't make him, I tell him if he wants to go out he can do, whether that's friends or family but he doesn't.
So, you may find it weird but when we plan stuff it involves the kids, always. We don't go out for a meal or to the cinema or whatever else you might do.

OP posts:
Yeahnah2020 · 08/01/2020 08:33

My SIL is a bit like this. Makes zero effort to keep in touch at all. Never says hi on family FaceTime, never texts etc, always opts out of family holidays. I don’t bother with her at all now. Her loss. My other SIL is great and we aren’t super close but we definitely get on.

Xiaoxiong · 08/01/2020 08:44

A perspective (maybe) from the SIL. My uncle married a woman who is a nice person but takes over and dominates every conversation. If you ring him she will take the phone from him after 5 mins, if you skype she will jump in front of the camera or clearly stand behind the laptop telling him what to say as he will look up at her and change what he says, if they come to visit she will muscle in on every conversation. It's got to the point that if he leaves the table after dinner and starts talking to someone else while doing the dishes she literally will leap up in the middle of a sentence to follow him, she once brought a full plate of food away from the table so she could keep eating while following him to his next conversation and be part of that one. I know it drives my mum and aunts insane as they feel he has become just her mouthpiece and they haven't spoken to him in years now as she jumps in and takes over.

I think it's insecurity on her part, I don't think she fully likes or trusts us (will leave her kids with her parents but never with any of our family because she "never leaves her kids" but we know she does, just not with us, fine that's her choice). And I don't think she trusts what her DH will say when she's not around.

Anyway they have been trying to get him to come along to "just siblings" things for a while (there are a lot of them) so they could see him without her but she won't let him saying they needed family time and he was needed to look after the kids, family offered to pay for a sitter, this was refused, which of course then sours the relationship further and it's a bit of a vicious circle unfortunately. She appears to be obstructive and controlling and he appears to be going along with it for a quiet life and not to disrupt the kids.

I actually really do like her when I chat to her after she's taken over the phone or Skype or whatever and he is sent off to look after the kids in the background, but it does get a bit Hmm that we are allowed to chat to her without him but she obviously won't let any of us talk to him without her there and taking over.

Xiaoxiong · 08/01/2020 08:50

I'm obviously not saying you are necessarily like this, but it could be that your SIL doesn't hate you and does like her 1 and 2 year old nieces but still wants to see her brother without you or the kids there.

Over Christmas I went out to a wine bar with my brother and we had a lovely evening catching up and talking about how things were going. I would have been very unimpressed if my SIL had concluded that I hated her and my nephew because she wasn't invited - and same the other way around for my DH thinking my brother hated him and our DSs for the same reason.

Original poster
IamVikki · 08/01/2020 08:59

@Xiaoxiong, that's actually quite interesting, but I imagine must be so frustrating for your family!

I can 100% say I am not like that, if he calls his family I tend to leave the room and definitely would not take over the call unless they asked me a question. If we're due to go to his side of the families and one of us is ill or something, I will actively encourage him to go on his own but he won't. And when we host family get togethers or parties, SIL tends to attach herself to DP and follows him everywhere, our friends and my side of the family have commented on how awkward it is because they don't get a chance to talk to him without her there (and if they do get a minute with him, for example, when she goes to the loo, as soon as she's done she jumps right back to his side and butts in on the conversation).

Dont get me wrong, she is really nice as far as SIL go but it feels almost like she thinks she has ownership over DP/her brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
IamVikki · 08/01/2020 09:04

@Xiaoxiong that's exactly the kind of thing I've said to DP about doing with SIL, he just doesn't want to. And I think she blames me (I.e. Thinks I'm stopping him from seeing her).

OP posts:
LurkingFather · 08/01/2020 09:10

I have several children, I work hard and long hours. When I see my parents or my siblings I spend time with them alone. My wife spends time alone with her sister. I struggle to see how your partner doing something similar with your sil should be a reason to be upset on your or your children's side. It is normal. You are unreasonable. Grossly so.

minesagin37 · 08/01/2020 09:22

I don't make much effort with one of my SILs but that's because I work in a very busy job and she has never worked. She thinks people can just come to things at the drop of a hat but we can't. We don't have anything in common. She's one of life's victims and I believe you make your own luck. My relationship has just tailed off with her because she's got nothing to say that interests me. Not everyone can get on with everyone else.

IceClown · 08/01/2020 09:27

@LurkingFather surely OPs DH is 'grossly unreasonable' cos OP has tried to encourage him to meet his sister (as she has said at least twice) and he said he doesn't want to.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2020 09:28

You are not responsible for your husbands relationships with his family
If he wants to see her he can, just let them get on with it

Original poster
IamVikki · 08/01/2020 09:42

@LurkingFather I am in no way stopping DP or telling him not to. I think you may has misread or got crossed wires somewhere.
I am actively encouraging him to see SIL and as I said above to Xiaoxiong, even if the kids or myself are ill when we are due to visit DP side of the family I encourage him to go alone, he just won't.

I would never ever stop him from seeing his family whenever he wants, but I cannot make him.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 08/01/2020 09:51

It sounds like in fact you have a DH problem - all contact with her should go through him not you. Otherwise he is letting you unfairly take the blame for him not seeing his sister - by not taking responsibility for contact or lack thereof he is allowing the assumption to stand that you are blocking contact by insisting that weekends are family time or you can't leave the kids or whatever. If you do speak to your SIL again you need to make it crystal clear that you actively encourage him to see her without you and the kids and it's entirely his choice.

It does sound a bit like he's happy for you to be the bad guy here to his SIL, or at least not taking active steps to set the record straight and say it's nothing to do with you, it's his own decision.

Beau2019 · 08/01/2020 10:04

All family dynamics are different. Depends on how close she was to her brother before you 2 got together.

Some people are like that. If she isn't married or has her own kids, I suspect she's just a bit jealous.

I would just leave her to it, don't get involved or say anything to your OH about it. To he honest, he sounds like he isn't particularly bothered anyway so I wouldn't worry about any of this.

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