I think SIL hates me.

[IamVikki]

So, as it says I don't think my sister in law likes me.

She has now come out and said that she only wants to see DP (her brother) on his own - without me. And when pointing out that his only free time is the weekends which is the main time he gets to spend with DD1&2 (he works 11hour days) she said oh well we will have to find another time - thus suggesting she doesn't even want to see her nieces!

She also, rarely talks to me or replies to my messages, doesn't wish me a happy birthday and send separate happy Xmas wishes (one to DP and one to me & DD's), and when I send invites out she doesn't feel like she has to rsvp at all (even when I ask for rsvp by a certain date).

We have asked her before what her issue is with me but she denies anything and says she treats me like everyone else, which clearly isn't true.

There is more but thats for another time. Am I nuts, or has she got an issue with me? Anyone got a SIL like this or situation like this?

and I make sure DP always responds to her texts or calls
Stop this for a start!!!
WHY are you 'making' him do this???
He is a grown up = an adult.
This is HIS sibling relationship.
If he doesn't want to respond then he doesn't have to.
Stop trying to get her approval.
She doesn't like you - for what ever reason.
Cut her off.
No more presents. No more cards.
She is your DH sister and if he wants to then he can.
STOP making so much effort for someone who is clearly showing that she doesn't even like you.
None of this sucking up is working so stop doing it!

His relationship with his sister is his business, and his job to manage, or not, as he prefers. He prefers not.

If SIL has a tanty about that, or is found to be badmouthing you about it, just calmly point out that it's not for you to manage a grown man's relationships with his own family members, he's more than capable of doing it himself, so if they have issues with how he's doing it, direct their concerns to him.

@LurkingFather surely OPs DH is 'grossly unreasonable' cos OP has tried to encourage him to meet his sister (as she has said at least twice) and he said he doesn't want to.

That's the problem. He is effectively hiding under her skirts! My Dad used to try to avoid seeing his mum and Grandmother (ditto his brother). Who got the blame? The wives! Even when they nagged the guys to go!!!

In many respects I can relate. For years I didn't like my SIL and now I can recognise why- me and bro were so close and I resented her for taking him away. However I didn't give her a chance I didn't take the time to get to know her.

Three and a half years ago this changed. They had a child my nephew and I decided the dynamic needed to change. So I finally after years got to to know her and now I can say I was wrong to have acted how I did I never gave her a chance. She is now not just my sister in law but one of my closest friends. I love her like a sister. We all are very close and see each other once a week with brother, sil, nephew, my DH and our children. I still feel great regret but we have changed this.

I suspect deep down this is how your SIL feels.

Take a step back from everything IL related. It's up to your dh now to facilitate the relationship. This inc texts, phone calls, gift buying and giving, anything at all

Hands up, I did misread some posts by the OP. Indeed. A DH problem. Not yours.

I was the middle child, between 2 boys. My big bro was Golden in my eyes (he was bigged up by our parents too btw). He could do things better than me - climb trees, run faster, pick up heavier things etc. Omg he was King!

Obviously, we 3 grew up and went our own ways, but we enjoyed each others' company and saw each other (inc parents) pretty well every week.

Big bro married. I was jealous, I'd been the main female in his life and he had a wife. Luckily, I realised that I was behaving badly and my feelings had to be controlled. So, yes, I ripped out my jealousy, my possessiveness, and tried to have fun with my sil she tried to overlook my behaviour and was generous enough to forgive my feelings if they suddenly jumped out (glad to say, not often and not largely). They lived a long way away from us anyway, so we got on well enough when we did see each other but we would have had to see each other much more often to become friends. They did divorce eventually, but I was married by then myself and the loss of their marriage did not involve me.

I suspect your sil felt the same as I did when her bro married you. She's ashamed or knows it's bad or is simply unaware or unable to admit it even to herself.

Don't waste your time. Your dh's relationship with his sister is his business, and not yours. He can indulge her, or not. Atm, he's choosing not to. That's the right thing to do, so don't undermine him.

You're allowing yourself to imagine that others will think you a bad person, because your DH isn't really arsed about seeing his own sister.

Can I suggest that you remember you're a grown up woman who is only accountable for her own relationships. Don't model this kind of hand-wringing and codependence for your children please. Step away with grace and confidence, treat your husband like the adult he is, let him run his own relationships.

If you find yourself feeling guilty for allowing other adults to make their own choices, have a word with yourself and then turn your attention to things that actually matter, and are actually your responsibility.

Women are typically taught that it's their job to smooth over relationships on behalf of their male relatives. I put it to you that this is bullshit and I encourage you to model better boundaries for your children to learn from.

Thank you all for the replies, it's given me alot to think about. I don't think I ever considered that actually it's not up to me to keep the relationship going between SIL and DP, it's just what I've always done. I am going to stop I think, and just let DP few all with it how he wants (or probably just do nothing).

Thank you @Jux and @iwantomountchrispratt it's nice to hear it from the other perspective, I will always give her the time of day and be polite, hopefully one day she will want to build some form of relationship with me as I do belive that will make things easier/happier for everyone!

And thank you @rvby what you say is very true, and I was brought up to make sure people were happy and to look after them (relatives or friends) but it's not already up to me and I need to realise that sometimes and take a step back! And it is good to think about our children because I do not want them to grow up thinking they have that same responsibility and stress to deal with!

Being with your kids 24/7 doesn't sound particularly healthy to me.

Everyone needs a break from kids.

I agree with a pp...about him not being able to see his sister on her own too. With this logic now he's married, he has no time for friends either then... because any time not spent at work is with you and the kids.

It's not healthy for any relationship, if you don't have other social outlets beyond each other.

If my brother said he could only ever see me with his wife, I'd be ticked off...and if he was never this way before, she might think it's because of you.

If they were never so close, then it shouldn't be a surprise to her.

It's not your job to facilitate contact, if he wants to see his sister then he can arrange it. Step back and stop worrying about it, not your circus

@SandyY2K why is it unhealthy to be with your kids 24/7? I choose to have kids and so I choose to look after them instead of paying someone else too, I do not struggle with my kids or have any mental health problems (which may mean having a break from your kids is the healthiest option). I know some people do struggle to be with their kids all the time, for varying reasons, and that's fine - everyone is different. However I do not think it's OK to say it isn't healthy one way or another, everyone is different, has different beliefs and ways of doing things.

DH is free to see whom ever he wants whenever he wants, but he chooses to see his kids. We are very lucky in that our friends no we come as a package and they love our kids almost as much as we do - but they know if they do an adults only activity we most likely wouldn't come, or maybe it would just be one of us that went. So, we do have other social outlets but they do involve our kids and there is nothing unhealthy about that. DH also chooses to game online alot, where he is talking to his friends and strangers - and so has this as an outlet as well.

They were never massively close, but because he never really did anything with his free time (I.e. He might see friends once a month, but that was it. Sometimes less.) SIL would call and he would go running because he had nothing else to do, and he would take her out and he would pay for her and buy her stuff - but I have been told by several people that these times were always instigated by her. So, going from what people have been saying, it's likely that she actually misses being treated and made to feel special by someone because even though she is now married, her DH does not take her out or buy her things randomly.

Being with your kids 24/7 doesn't sound particularly healthy to me

This is such a snide, privileged point of view. Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has supportive families available to babysit at every given opportunity? equally, not everyone can afford or wants to pay for babysitters.
Also, did you even bother to read the OP because SHE ALREADY SAID SHE ENCOURAGES HER DH TO SEE HIS FAMILY WITHOUT HER BUT HE DOESNT WANT TO.
If she has encouraged her DH to see his family without her being present but he is refusing how the eff is that the OPs fault?

They werent close but they spent time together and he went running, treated her etc.

I personally think ita quite obvious what the problem is. And it's not her husband not buying stuff.

And it's considered healthy to have relationship with people outside your immediate romantic relationship and independent of your children. For you own sake.

Thank you @beautifulstranger101 it is a combination of those things that mean I am with my kids all the time, and personally I don't see it as a problem, I am healthy and they are healthy. No doctor or health visitor has ever said it is unhealthy or i/we should have time away from our kids.

@scarsthelot it is healthy to have other relationships but I cannot make him go and see SIL if he doesn't want to. It's not my choice. And yes they did see each other before, but it was her choice - as I said she instigated it, he didn't - surely that suggests that actually he wasn't that bothered in seeing her even back then.
However, I do disagree that you need to do things independent of your children, yes that may be what some people need, but it isn't what works for us and there is nothing wrong with that, we have healthy and well developed children, and we are both healthy.

I stand by saying its not healthy and you don't need to have mental health problems to need some time away from DC.

It's also better for children to interact with people other than their parents and not have you by their side 24/7. It encourages independence and helps develop their social interaction too.

If you are with your child 24/7, can you not see how they could struggle to develop other relationships and be overly clingy? These are the kids who start in reception and scream when their mum leaves, because they have had her with them 24/7.

The pp who said my comment was snide and not everyone has family support, that's not the point I was making. The child could be with their dad in the evening or a couple of hours on the weekend, while mum goes to see friends, or goes to the gym or another hobby.

It's couples who make each other their only social outlet and don't do anything independently, that crumble when the relationship breaks down. You then have no friends to turn to for support.

It does sound likely that your SIL misses the attention from her brother and because he no longer sees her since you came on the scene, she attributes this to you.

It sounds like everyone in the family have pandered her and not been honest about her behaviour. They've enabled her and as such she probably doesn't see that she is doing anything wrong.

@SandyY2K. I can understand where you are coming from, however I do not think it is fair to say the same for all kids who are with their parents all the time. Our children have no issues socially, and when we go out to places they will quite happily go off and play with other children they've never met before, and when we go out with friends they will quite happily go off with them. (I am perfectly happy, however, that they will not go off with strange adults they never met before).
I can see how a child may become clingy, but mine thus far have not shown that and I think it is unfair to make such assumptions.
Also, as you said about DP having the kids while I go out, he does take DD1 to some activities at the weekend and when DD2 is old enough to join, I'm sure she will - so forgive me, I did incorrectly state I was with them all of the time.
In the same way that you have said it is unhealthy for me to be with my kids all the time, I could say it's unhealthy to leave them as they then may develop attachment issues and feel unloved, etc. (note, I do not say this, but I can imagine some people would).
And as I have said we are not each others only social outlet, we do see other people but yes we are normally together - though this does not mean we are attached at the hip when we see others, for example we have friends who often have gatherings at their house and DP will be in the garden, I will be in the kitchen and DD's will be elsewhere. And I am a firm believer in you have to work hard to make relationships work/last, and if there comes a point when our way of life does not work, then we would make changes and work to create a new way that did work.

As for SIL I think she does miss the attention, but I cannot make DP see her. And to be fair I have said to DP before that her family will not tell her the truth, and that it will only hinder her later in life, but again it is not my place to say anything - they feel that they are doing what is right for her, and won't have it any other way.