Weepy and emotional - all I need is a slap - so come and slap me now - it's long. Sorry

[Unrequited]

Forgive me for having namechanged for this but it is the first time I have ever been able to talk about it, and I haven't got the courage to use my MN name.

I met a boy when I was 15 years old and fell head over heels in love with him. He is a wonderful person - modest, patient, kind, funny, attractive, clever. Sadly the feeling wasn't mutual so I settled for being a good friend.

Through all the years since then - and I am 43 years old now - I have been in love with him. It's absolutely ridiculous.

What can you do in this situation? I've had several good relationships with men and have now been married to a good and kind and true man for 12 years. DH is a wonderful man. I have not ever been unfaithful to him nor ever would be. But I have never been in love with him - I married him knowing that I wasn't in love with him. I am working at being the best possible wife I can be.

My old friend and I are separated by several hundred miles. We text and talk. We see each other four or five times a year. He is a friend of the family, DH and the DCs included.

He has not yet married. I was looking at him playing with my DCs three weeks ago and I caught myself thinking that they should have been his. I hate myself for that thought and haven't been able to stop crying since. I am so tired of being in love with him and it has never stopped hurting all these years. I don't know whether it is worse seeing my old unrequited flame or not seeing him.

Perhaps what we really needed to do was shag one another senseless when we were teenagers and I'd have got over it. Doubt it though. Did manage to do an awful lot of shagging other people but it didn't cure me.

I can't talk about this to anyone. DH is a wonderful man and he loves me and of course he knows but of course we can't talk about it. Yes I know I am being unfair to everyone. I wish I could stop it. Slap me now.

He sounds like the mythical 'perfect' man in your mind but I guarantee he farts in bed, leaves his stuff everywhere and highly likely leaves a hum in the bathroom that could wilt flowers. Stop idealising him. To be honest I think you need to grow up a teensy bit here. If my dh felt this way about someone else I would be bl**dy furious.

I have to agree. You are obviously unsatisfied with your marriage and using this guy as an excuse as to how you imagine your husband to be. However, in reality, this guy, on a day to day basis, is not how you imagine. It's just not possible. Take him out of the equation - look at your marriage and think how you and your husband can make things better for yourselves.

This guy has become a fantasy. It doesn't matter that you actually know him. 4 or 5 times a year isn't enough to know what he's like as an adult. He's simply a guest in your house.

what fartmeister said.

You are using this other guy to deal emotionally with the fact that you are unhappy in your marriage.

He will still miss the toilet bowl and leave a towel on the floor.

The unrequited flame has not been in the equation romantically. He never has been. I have been feeling this way for the best part of three decades though and absolutely sick of it now. It's not like I can turn it off. Even if it is idealised to the point of being a fantasy.

Do you need to go cold turkey Unrequited? Not see him again? Hard I know, but it might be the only way, and would give you space to concentrate on your marriage and sorting yourself out in terms of your real life, so you are not avoiding it to think about your fantasy life.

What t'others have said. Don't beat yourself up!
Just like any other man he'll have all those flaws to and then some of his own. Whose to say that if you had got together you would have stayed together.....you were very young and relationships built from such an age are not always the most stable because you haven't had the experiences to learn how to deal with problems as they come up. I'm probably telling you to suck eggs as you already know this but honestly don't be so harsh on yourself.

Thanks all - think the best plan is to avoid seeing him - just totally sick of it now - think cold turkey is the best solution.

yes, i agree with the cold turkey plan.

Unrequited, it's such a long time you've felt this way. I feel sad for you.

I'm not going to slap you.

But I won't encourage you either.

Find some way to deal with your feelings and get over it.

Unrequited, sorry if this all seems a bit harsh. Of course your feelings are involved here, and after 3 decades, genuine feelings of a sort. But is it love?? Isn't it longing?

I hope you manage to come to some kind of resolution - if only for your own sanity. I do feel for you...

Sorry if I am being a bit thick here and asking the bloody obvious but have you told the object of your affections how you feel?

No. In the umpteen years of pretty well daily texts, calls, visits, places we've been to, mutual friends we've seen, brief flatshare, I have never said a thing.

Because you sort of know whether something is on the agenda or not, don't you? And I didn't want to lose what we had even though it was quite like a form of torture.

Anyhow saying anything would be wildly inappropriate now. Although oddly enough last time I saw his mother she did tell me she wished we'd got married.

Writing it down it seems incredible. Totally absurd. He's just texted now actually and am trying not to respond.

He's obviously getting something out of the friendship? I'm a little different in my perspective from the other posters because you said that you didn't love your husband and never had. I think that makes a difference and is quite poignant. I wonder why you can't share these feelings with your friend if the friendship is a true one. At least you would know... I don't think that being honest is wildly inappropriate.

Why on earth would you go cold turkey when you can try to make your marriage the best it can be instead? There are all sorts of great marriage courses you can go on to help teach you to build the romance back (or for the first time, as it sounds in your case). My DH and I did one some years ago - it's run by a church but is for anyone of any background (they don't try to sign your life away!). Gave us a great refuelling and 3 years on we still remember and use loads of the fantastic tips they gave us. Not that we have a 'perfect' marriage, but when things go awry we know how to fix it. The course we did is here: www.htb.org.uk/marriage. You may not be London-based but it might give you a starting point.

Oh, and please don't tell me you're one of those people who'd happily work hard at their career but not their relationships. If this is you, then

"Perhaps what we really needed to do was shag one another senseless when we were teenagers and I'd have got over it"

um - yes - probably - or at least been mutually "in love" for the 3 weeks it would have taken before one of you changed your mind. Trouble is, unless you were very lucky (as I was, BTW) you would have lost your friendship in the process

You are talking about losing your friend anyway - so what harm can come of talking to him about it? really? If he has never said anything all this time either then chances are there are reasons. Once you know them you might well find you are more settled.

MrsTH - because I would say that she has more chance of making her marriage the best it can be by going cold turkey on this other bloke and focusing on the marriage instead.

I think while Unrequited is still in lots of contact with this bloke she is hung up on, she will not be able to properly focus on her marriage and decide whether it can be sorted or not.
Unrequited hope you are feeling bit better today.

Thank you all so much.

MrsThierry - now that's one lovely husband! No, although I have worked hard at my career, I do like to think that I work at my relationships too. I'll look at the site you suggest and see how I get on.

To Flowery - of course I agree with you that not seeing the other bloke gives the best chance of my refocussing. There isn't much chance of my forgetting the other bloke though. The reality that I am scared of (well bloody terrified of) is a future without the little bit of him that I do have. After all these years I can't imagine how it will be not knowing how he is, what he is doing, how he is feeling yada yada yada. But I agree with you that I do need to let him go for the sake of my sanity.

To Stealthsquiggle - well I think I know how he feels about me. I'm his dearest and oldest friend. He does love me as a friend. He just doesn't have the hots for me and never has. That's the reason he hasn't said anything. That's why it feels wrong for me to say anything now. But there must be some merit in getting it out in the open and explaining why all of a sudden we're not talking every day. This morning's text just read "Hey, you're quiet, you okay?" and I know he expects me to ring him straight back because I always have but I honestly just can't talk to him right now.

It's always worse after I've seen him. He is good with my three DCs. He plays lots of games with them, carries them on his shoulders, swims with them, reads with them clambers over rocks with them.

Oh unrequited, I am really feeling for you. I know what you mean when you say you would rather have him in your life as he is than nothing at all, which is really scary, but I think you know deep down that cold turkey is the only way to go.
But I think there is something to be said for talking to him about it as others have suggested, as you say, if you are in contact this much he will need some reason otherwise he will worry and keep contacting you.
It's all so hard, but you are realising it's a problem that you need to do something about rather than just ignoring reality, and living in your dreams about this man.
I do really feel for you. In fact I take back my slap!

There is someone on here who has just lost her husband. Yet here am I maundering on self-indulgently.

Okay I am going to bite the bullet. How do I do this conversation? Ring him up. Then say what?

"You know you're coming for a week in Sep? Well we'd all love to see you but one of us would love to see you a little too much so we'd rather you didn't?"

"Erm, you know all these years we've known one another? Well I've been wanting to shag you senseless every single day."

What sort of person goes around having a perfectly normal life - family, career, friends, all the works - yet nurtures a lunatic (to the point of bunny-boiling) obsession about her best friend? What on earth will he think? What will mutual friends think? What will his family think? What will my family think?

I know I'll lose him and I am frightened of the future without him and scared of losing our shared past but I know it's for the best. Just don't know quite how to say it without sounding certifiable.

How about keeping it simple and low-key?

'For a while now I've had feelings for you which are more than friendship. I think I need to be open about that.'

Then shut up and see what he says. Personally I would be amazed (and he would have to be some sort of idiot?) if he didn't have a suspicion of how you felt anyway?

Stuff what everyone else thinks, you clearly need to resolve this.

I agree that you need to "break up" with your friend.

You voluntarily married your husband and you voluntarily took the vows. Your husband and your children derserves that you work on your marriage.

If you keep in contact with your friend (fantasy lover ) then you are not being fair towards your husband or your children.

I had a huge crush on this boy from my class and he is the one that is always hanging there in the back of my mind. Should I have done more, could I have done more etc. but to be quite honest I have not thought of him for about 2 years now, and that is only because of this thread.

I chose my wonderful husband and we have the most wonderful children, and I would not swap this (well maybe the no-money aspect of it ) for anybody.

I would think it fair though that you "break up" with your friend personally, and don't just stop answering his calls, letters, emails etc. He also deserves an explanation. Just keep in mind that if you do give him the true explanation, that he might have stuck around you for all these years because he feels the same way about you.

How would you react if he says that he feels the same way you do? Would you be prepared to give up your family to live with him?

Also how are you going to explain to your husband and children why you no longer invite him over/up?

Thank you, thank you. Being able just to admit it all has been such a massive, massive relief. I can't tell you.

Yes chocchip, he knew once upon a time. He's clever and and sensitive and perceptive. Don't worry Maisemor. I am not about to leave DH or the DCs. The scenario of "Well I've always loved you too" just isn't going to happen; he tacitly did tell me that when we were teenagers. All of this was acknowledged but unspoken.

It's a funny dynamic. I don't have emotional radar like that for many people other than him, DH and my children. What I think (or hope) he doesn't know, is the full extent of my feelings.

Tbh it's probably best to go and see him, I can explain myself better then. The whole situation has been messing with my head for so long. It's not fair to others.

The explanations for everyone else are going to be very difficult. The children will ask after him for a while but they are accepting of things. It's people like my mother and my grandmother and mutual friends who will read through the lines. Probably misread through the lines.

We can put our heads together over that maybe. At least I trust him to be discreet. He'd never say - "Well you know that Unrequited? She's barking she is." Even though I am.

I'll miss him though.

Good luck...I will just say that I have been on the recieving end of this situation recntly. A friend has declared his undying love for me...I like him loads as a friend, but just not romantically..and now I feel very awkward around him? Might be something to bear in mind?
Just wanted to wish you good luck with whatever you decide xx