Weepy and emotional - all I need is a slap - so come and slap me now - it's long. Sorry

[Unrequited]

Forgive me for having namechanged for this but it is the first time I have ever been able to talk about it, and I haven't got the courage to use my MN name.

I met a boy when I was 15 years old and fell head over heels in love with him. He is a wonderful person - modest, patient, kind, funny, attractive, clever. Sadly the feeling wasn't mutual so I settled for being a good friend.

Through all the years since then - and I am 43 years old now - I have been in love with him. It's absolutely ridiculous.

What can you do in this situation? I've had several good relationships with men and have now been married to a good and kind and true man for 12 years. DH is a wonderful man. I have not ever been unfaithful to him nor ever would be. But I have never been in love with him - I married him knowing that I wasn't in love with him. I am working at being the best possible wife I can be.

My old friend and I are separated by several hundred miles. We text and talk. We see each other four or five times a year. He is a friend of the family, DH and the DCs included.

He has not yet married. I was looking at him playing with my DCs three weeks ago and I caught myself thinking that they should have been his. I hate myself for that thought and haven't been able to stop crying since. I am so tired of being in love with him and it has never stopped hurting all these years. I don't know whether it is worse seeing my old unrequited flame or not seeing him.

Perhaps what we really needed to do was shag one another senseless when we were teenagers and I'd have got over it. Doubt it though. Did manage to do an awful lot of shagging other people but it didn't cure me.

I can't talk about this to anyone. DH is a wonderful man and he loves me and of course he knows but of course we can't talk about it. Yes I know I am being unfair to everyone. I wish I could stop it. Slap me now.

Thank you Beller.

Don't want to make him uncomfortable - it's not his fault - he's been a totally faultless and supportive friend. Was rather thinking that by telling him I was effectively ending our friendship. Sort of mourning that too, to be honest.

It's just so disturbing to my peace of mind to have him around so much and probably better if he isn't. So much wish I didn't feel this way about him.

Can't really imagine him not calling, or sending flowers on my birthday (which he invariably does, or did, and it's coming up soon) or whisking me off to the theatre or seeing his slanting handwriting on a postcard.

Dear Unrequited. I have just read your last post. What does your husband say about the flowers/theatre/postcards? Mine would be reaching for the shotgun...

Ah yes. Cold turkey on the friend, not the husband. Oops! Think I need more sleep...

Good luck, Unrequited! xx

Chocchip - Your post made me smile for the first time in what feels like an age!

Yes it's a funny set-up, isn't it, and it's only by writing it down and talking to other people that you realise that it isn't an entirely normal way to behave.

Well DH was a bit suspicious at first, but soon worked out there was nothing actually going on. He's very pragmatic. Also DH does have female friends and I am not jealous of them, so, it all seemed perfectly reasonable on the face of it.

DH doesn't actually like the theatre much. I mean he doesn't dislike it but it kind of ranks slightly below a good meal and slightly ahead of staying in and washing his hair. But I'm passionately interested as is my friend so it sort of just worked out that way.

A similar example is that I don't play squash and DH and my friend both do. So whenever we stay with the friend, or whenever the friend stays with us, there's always a game of squash at some stage.

Anyhow, have arranged to "pop" down and see my friend a week on Sunday. Pop is in inverted commas because it involves a three hour drive each way. DH was mildly surprised by that, but I do have to pick something up that's over half the distance there.

Thanks for all your support everyone. Don't know how I got here to be honest, but am determined to get out of it!

I won't just give you a slap but a kick up the jacksie.

Your life is not a novel or a film, so stop living it like one.

Cut out the melodrama before you realise too late just how short life really is.

I think that's a bit harsh, expat. When I read these posts I see Unrequited struggling to get to a resolution and do the right thing. Life is rarely black and white, most of it is a shade of grey. I also think it's one of those situations where people superimpose their own experiences and moral views onto someone else's situation.

Just to clarify Kerry - the idea of having a chat with him was not so that he would suddenly see me in a new light, I would fall into his arms, the violins would start playing at full blast, and the scene fade with me tilting one leg up at the knee in the middle of a bumperlicious snog.

No, that wasn't the idea at all. It's absolutely not going to happen. The idea of seeing him was to call time, and to explain why. I really am finding it difficult with him around so constantly. It's an absolute physical ache in fact. He's always in my head and I need to have him out of it. For years I thought I'd either grow up or grow out of it but it never went away.

It absolutely does have to stop, I agree with you Kerry and Expat. If a kick up the jacksy would stop me feeling like this I'd willing come over for you guys to administer it.

So I am practising matter-of-fact in the mirror very hard. I really liked chocchips' line. The trick is to say it without a wobble in the voice.

Yes this is another unspoken thing. Hopefully he's not aware of the depth of them though. I'll just tell DH that I thought it was a good idea for my friend not to come around any more. He won't ask why.

That sounds vaguely nutty as well. It sounds as though my entire life is devoted to some form of telepathic communication. It isn't, it's just in this area.

Kerry, I've no intention of leaving. It won't happen. It's not about me putting my needs before those of my DH and three DCs. It's about getting stuff out of my system somehow.

In the totally impossible scenario of my friend saying he loves me in that way, we'll just have to rerun Brief Encounter. Which is much more tasteful and dignified than the bunnyboiler movie I am currently starring in.

Life is harsh, chip. I'm not known on here for warm fuzzies. They have their time and place and it isn't when people are wasting precious hours of their lives wasting emotion that they could be better spending somewhere else - on things that make them feel a far sight happier than unrequited 'love'.

Oh dear
I sort of know where you are coming from.

I think the course of action you've decided upon sounds v sensible. Hope it works out for you.

How are you, Unrequited? I was thinking about you this weekend. Hope it all worked out.

Thank you for asking Chocchipcookie. I'm sorry for the late reply. I'm feeling a bit low tbh but I know it's the right thing to do.

Well I drove all the way there on Sunday and nearly bottled it, but he knew that I wouldn't have made an unscheduled trip for nothing so I couldn't really change the plan.

I didn't want to put him in an awkward position and it was agonisingly embarassing. Your line was brilliant by the way. I apologised continually. I didn't mean to apologise continually but it just came out like that.

Anyhow the reaction was better than I thought. I thought he would be really quite upset and freaked with the whole situation but of course he was much more rational than that. He was uncomfortable through most of the conversation but not freaked. I hope anyway. Too busy offering me replacement tissues.

We said we'd stay in touch in a Christmas card sort of way. I am missing him very much and feeling a bit low. Yesterday DS2 asked if he would be coming and I crossed a bit of hurdle when I explained that he was too busy.

Hi Unrequited, I've only just seen your thread and want to wish you well. I was in a similar position with an ex whom I dated 19 years ago - who was (and is) the love of my life. We split up (he said he didn't love me) and I married a good, sweet man on the rebound, whom I liked and respected, but didn't fall in love with. We had a dd and then slid into a 'companionate' marriage for several years. I was still in touch with the ex and after several years of my sexless marriage, we started an occasional affair - eventually my marriage broke up, the ex said he DID now love me, and we are together now. So my story ended happily for me, but it took 3 years for dd to come to terms with it, and sadly, my exhusband was torn apart. I have to live with that guilt every time I see him.

Lessons I learned:

1. don't marry someone if you're still in love with someone else

2. If you really want to end something, go cold turkey - I used to feel worse, like you, when I'd seen the ex, but better after a few weeks apart (we only met up about once every 6 months or so)

3. If something's not right in your marriage, deal with it (I should have confronted my exh's absent libido instead of letting it drag on for ten years - if I had, we might still have been together).

You've done splendidly in being open with your childhood sweetheart so he understands why you can't be in frequent touch with him any more - that was being fair to him, and you've done the right thing by your husband and kids. Your husband will love you the more for it and I hope you can find your way to loving him as he probably deserves. I do so hope it works out for you.

And yes, much as I love my 'fantasy man' (now my dp), and much as he loves me, he does still fart, belch, make the place untidy and we have our own problems - in other words, even fantasies are real men .

Dear Unrequited. I am so glad you have reached a resolution even though I can imagine it is very tough. I think this will be an exhausting time for you, just processing this and dealing with RL without the fantasy, take it easy. I would keep it very light and casual with the explanations to the children. Best wishes.