Am I a walkover

[amideluded]

I'm not sure.
I would appreciate your opinions please.
I am With boyfriend for a year now. We are getting serious. He is wonderful in many ways but everything we do, where we go , when we go there always seems
To be on his terms and even though he would never actually say no we are not doing that, he manages to wrangle his way around me To get his own way. I will am ver y laid back and I feel very loved.He is serious about me I think but sometimes I worry that if I don't go with his ideas that he will get rid of me

In a word 'YES' you are a walk over.
Make a stand.
Tell him you won't do something he wants to do and see what his reaction is.
Book something that you like for the both of you and see if he makes the effort of you!
He's not making the effort for YOU!!!
Or.... sit him down and tell him exactly what you have told us and see what his reaction is.
It doesn't feel right OP, because it isn't right!

Being "laid back" does not mean being a walk over or a doormat. If you have different wants or needs, you need to speak up and assert yourself. If you feel you can't talk to him about this, your relationship is already in very serious trouble and the future doesn't bode well.

Control is not love.

Thanks. It's been bugging me because on paper he is everything a girl could wish for. I have been welcomed into the fold and his family and friends really like me too, however, that always come first so lots of datescentre on family and friend time eg I am
Welcome to his home or to his family home but otherwise we won't be meeting.
We are constantly surrounded by his friends and family. He books breaks and hotel
Stays in places that HE. Likes and KNOWS I will like ( in his opinion) and gives these gifts to me as birthday/ Christmas presents etc.
When we do manage to break away from his friends and family He still calls the shots, almost telling me what we will be doing. So if I want to stay in and relax in a hotel and he doesn't , we go out. End of story.
I may have a winter hom in a bad light but he really is terribly lovely and kind and generous. We hardly ever get intimate time which bothers me but definitely not him . It is starting to feel like a friendship where I am his plus one .Of I want to go see a
Film or a band that he doesn't like, he simply doesn't go. He would never be nasty, in fact he is completely charming but I do love him and want him to be happy.

Should have typed... painted him in a bad light!
To add to this tale, we are having rows lately
Over his friendship with a woman he works with.They are very close and confide in each other. I have not met her and he has had opportunity to introduce us.
It's like his dirty little secret.I don't think he fancies her but he definitely thinks she is the bees knees and never stops going on and on.
On social media their contact is all based on a ' wink wink' emoji.Its messing my mind. Thoughts please ?

@amideluded

Yes you are .. I would never let a boyfriend treat me like that. He should be putting you first and not have a friendship with another woman.

I would end this relationship tbh, choosing where to go, what films to watch, where to eat, which hotels should be joint decisions. He is way too controlling and that is never good in a relationship.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would also end this relationship. Its all about what he wants, you really have no say at all within it. He won't change, you can only change how you react.

He books breaks and hotel stays in places that HE Likes and KNOWS I will like ( in his opinion) and gives these gifts to me as birthday/ Christmas presents etc

What would happen if you said "Oh thanks, that is great I am bringing Friend with me, she will love it" after all it is your gift.

Basically if you want to know someone's true nature tell him No, how he reacts will tell you everything.

Blimey, he has more red flags around him than there are at a Communist Party convention.

• you have to do what he wants
• he's ridiculously tied to his own family, at the expense of your own
• he overrides all your decisions
• he's got a secret girlfriend

You need to think about what love means to you. What was your parents' relationship like? Think of the best marriage you know - would the guy behave like that?

You can live a better life without this man. It's not love that you feel, OP. It's not love that he feels, either, except for himself.

Everything in the relationship is on his terms OP.

You say you want him to be happy. .. Seems that's a one way street to me op.
Make a mental note to put yourself first for a whole week and see his reaction.

Do you think you might be a beard OP?

Apologies if I am way off.

The lack of intimacy, and him wanting to spend all yere time together with his family would make me wonder.

Either way, I would move on.

💐

Sorry op

Have you posted about him before ?

It all sounds very familiar

Have you posted about him before? It’s the same situation - focus on family and friends, no sex and obsessed with a woman at work.

Anyway, whether it’s the same guy or not, I don’t see how you can stay with him if he’s happy but you’re not.

Hi . Yes I posted last summer.our relationship has really improved since then. We are eachother all the time now andhave finally had a holiday but these worries stay.

To
Answer, my parents marriage was awful.there was no respect and my mother was controlling.
If I wanted to ask a friend, he would be aghast that I would invite someone else

There is no secret relationship.Thay are just really close and he thinks the sun shines out of her bum.

Definitely not a beard . We have sex but in comparison to previous boyfriends he isn't as interested.

"To Answer, my parents marriage was awful.there was no respect and my mother was controlling.
If I wanted to ask a friend, he would be aghast that I would invite someone else"

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you.

You have now got with someone who is very much like your own mother. Your mother is still controlling (there is no was with such people) and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. This man does not respect you and his emotional energies are also being further directed towards this other woman at your overall expense. Your role here with this man is to merely do as you are told to do, you really have no voice when you are with him.

You are well down his priority list here even if you are on it which you are not.

Why is your relationship bar so very low here?.

But we spend most of our free time together albeit with his friends and family!
I thought that because of the difficulties last year and because we spend
Most of our free time together that this was a huge improvement.
His friend is just a friend and he has reduced the amount of time he spends sending her messages but they still
Work and socialise together so I cannot do
Anything about that.

I did everything I could to
Get away from my family as it is so dysfunctional. I was so happy to meet a functional loving family who treat me as their own especially having been in an abusove relationship before.
He tells me he loves me all the time and organises to spend most of his down time with me so I'm confused

You spend most time together with his friends and family, you seem to hardly spend any time together and when you are with him what he says goes. You have no voice within this relationship. You went from one dysfunctional family unit i.e your own into another one where your bf is controlling you.

Your relationship bar needs urgent raising upwards. And this man needs to be gone from your day to day life.

Are you in the UK?. If so please contact Womens AId and enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme. Its for people who have been in abusive relationships.

And he is probably not as interested in sex with you either because his emotional energies are still tied up with this female work colleague.

OP what advice do you want? You come on here every three months after a name change, post the same thing and then ignore all advice from posters who invest their time and effort in trying to help you see a solution, so what exactly do you want?

You have been told countless times that you are banging your head against a brick wall with this guy but you proceed, you have been told that he is overly invested in a female, married co-worker, he is messaging her constantly and from what you wrote previously she seems to just placate him because she has to work with him, you only spend time together when he trots you out to his family functions and he controls the relationship, so again what is it you want when you ignore all advice and concern from posters over a period of months?

He sounds controlling - why is it all on his terms?

Yes I posted last summer.our relationship has really improved since then

I'm interested to know how you think the relationship has improved?

Your needs and wants are neither addressed nor considered. This person is a complete control freak and in my opinion is in the process of testing and grooming you for far worse treatment.

End this relationship and work on your boundaries and self esteem asap.

I think it has improved because we spend
So much time together now and see each other 5 days per week as I moved jobs and am nearer his house in the village.

I am considered part of the family now and his family really like me.
We have had holidays together.
I have gone to all weddings and family occasions with him.
We have talked about moving in together and I think he is nearly ready.
He is in a position of authority in his work where he manages many people. Perhaps this is why he likes to take the reins but I do find it frustrating that him taking the lead in a kind way makes me feel like a door mat