H left. Feeling awful.

[RamonaLark]

H left on New Year’s Day after 5 months of back and forth loves me/ doesn’t love me/ depression/ checked out a long time ago, etc etc. This all started over one small argument over porn/ wanking and sex life. After which we had a lot of great sex and intimacy July-December whilst he played havoc with ours lives and his feelings/ my feelings.

When he left I felt remarkably okay. He had picked me up and dropped me so many times that I felt he didn’t deserve me any more and it was his loss.

Now I feel horrendous. We had marriage counselling yesterday (last one) and apparently he didn’t love me all along but was afraid of his own feelings. I’ve been working on the fact that his thoughts and feelings no longer concern me, only my own. But I just feel awful.

On Sunday he saw the children for the first time and when he dropped them back made a proposition for 50:50 parenting. Suddenly the anger came. It would involve them being in childcare more of the week and spending all of those nights in their grandparents’ spare room, as guests. I appreciate 50:50 is his right but (totally selfishly) it feels like I’ve lost my whole life and husband, and now he is going to take my children too. I work part time and have been a dedicated principle carer for our children always. Having children was my life’s dream and I adore it.

I feel so so shit and like I can’t do this. I feel so so so shit.

He left like a bolt from the blue (despite the preceding pain). Decided, told the children and was gone within an hour. Then suddenly wants the children to live at their grandparents’ 50% of the time. The children are still in shock.

The feelings around 50:50 are selfish on my behalf as well as protective of them.

That arrangement doesn’t seem fair on the children. And no, 50:50 is not his right. You need to put the children and their needs first. They should stay in the family home with you. He can see them at the weekends. Don’t give in over this, OP. There’s loads of support on Mumsnet do you’re not alone.

Then suddenly wants the children to live at their grandparents’ 50% of the time.

Yeah, no. Fuck off.

Putting feelings for him aside, what would you think a reasonable contact schedule for him would be? He’s offered one, offer one back

Why does he want 50/50 if they’re going to be put in childcare? Is it so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance? It sounds like a strange set of circumstances to arise from one argument over porn. You’re probably best of out of it if this is how he is. I know it’s hard now but he sounds very unstable! Why don’t you just say no to the 50/50 and see what he does next. You don’t have to agree. It’s not all about him and his “rights”. It’s actually what’s in the child’s best interests that the courts look at. If they’re going to be shoved in a grandparents guest room or in childcare is that really their best interest? Say no and let him take it to court. Let an expert decide. If he wants it, he can do some work/pay court costs to get it. Why should you have to be constantly agreeable. It sounds like he’s put you through a lot.

I know you feel like shit now but you can do this and once the contact schedule is in place you will be able to use your childfree time to rebuild your life. Every friend I’ve got who has been through this has come out better the other side. Nicer partner, more children, happier. None of them regret the husband going.

agree with PP - just say no to 50/50.

either give a counter proposal, or ask for an expert view.

take back the control - he's pulled the rug out from under you, but you can do this!

Let him go to court. Don't panic . He can't put the kids in his parents' spare room 50 % of the time. That's not a proper 50/50 arrangement which the Court will see immediately.
A lot of men make all sorts of threats/demands when the split first happens, and it can be very scary. But he's not the boss and you needn't jump to his tune. Oftentimes nothing comes of the initial nonsense because the cold light of day and legal counsel disabuses them of their delusions. He's probably dreaming of getting away without paying child support by proposing thus unworkable 50/50. That's a common theme unfortunately.
Also if you are the main carer, it's in the children's interest for that not to be disrupted.
He can still have regular contact, but in a sensible way that's fair to them!
Get your own legal advice. Do not agree to anything till then.
And if you have a trusted relative or friend, now's the time to send up a smoke signal for support.
Good luck. You'll be so much happier in the future. It's just such a big shock all round when you first split up, even when you're absolutely sure it's right for you.

What @mumma said

I agreed to Tuesday nights (childminder Tuesday after school/ Wednesday morning) and every other weekend. On their Tuesday nights they will have time only to sleep at their grandparents’ as it is 30 minute drive away when there is no traffic, goodness knows ah 5-6pm/7-8am. Then yesterday he said Tuesday-Tuesday is such a long time and I said I’d endeavour to facilitate some time between him and the children during those weeks. Feel like a weak fool now. I really do want to put the children first and they adore their daddy, he was a bloody good one too. I just hate this so much I could implode. I feel like this could all have been prevented if he was less of a selfish twat. But I can’t change it. Deep breaths.

I was the child of the worst divorce in history and will drag myself over hot coals to prevent my children experiencing the same.

@RamonaLark I don't post often but felt I had to, I am in a very similar situation down to the porn and wanted to say I understand it's totally shit.

I am clinging to taking each day as it comes.. I do believe in the saying 'and this too shall pass' though I wish it would hurry up.

Next step for me is to see a solicitor to sort childcare and financials. I know it's the best thing to move on and my boundaries preclude anything else but I get the heartbreak.

I just wanted to say you are not alone.

Thank you.

This too shall pass.

Solicitor next.

Ramona,

I think you just need to get on with the divorce. The first step would be ‘interim arrangements’ for both childcare and finance (what happens until divorce goes through). I remember, despite his behaviour, it is not your house but the family home, so there may be times where he gets to stay with the children at the house and you sleep elsewhere (or share house if tolerable). The arrangement with the grandparents may be OK occasionally but is not a good long term solution.

In the medium term, you both need the resources to provide a house for your children so, from what I can ascertain from your posts, the family house will have to be sold and you both need to get something smaller.

The amount of contact time (if that is the current word) will depend on both your earning capacities and amount of free time. At all times the interests of the children should be paramount.

He sounds like he really messed you around and behaved horrendously, playing with your emotions. However, divorce is a practical matter and, if you can negotiate a solution which you both feel is fair, it will save you a lot of money as a family and, even more importantly, allow you to amicably co-parent, which sounds like what you want to do.

Do not accept this 50/50 nonsense - in this case, he is clearly doing it only to position himself to pay no financial settlement. He's not even going to have the children with him and look after them himself.

See a solicitor, take their advice. You are probably looking at remaining in the family home, a large share of pensions and possibly even spousal maintenance (look up global maintenance). Certainly child maintenance. He seems wants to nullify all of the above and I would assume that he has either taken legal advice or done some serious googling. Refuse his offer, let him take it to court.

The courts have little time for nonsense proposals of "care" like his and will see though it for the financial machination that it is.

How old are the children, they should/may have a say in this. As others have said, you need to see a solicitor ASAP. Don’t agree to anything yet.

I’m not sure he has thought through anything at all, I’m not sure how much research he has done. I suspect he wants to look like a good guy who has his children 50% of the time and he truly does love and care for them well. Perhaps not with enough insight to look at the bigger picture and put their well-being first in this fraught time.

He has no pension really, there are some savings. We bought out first home two years ago with a 10% deposit for £220 000. There isn’t much to split.

I will try to stay in the family home for the children, my parents are making noises of support. I work part time on a zero hour contract. The upside is I choose my hours, the downside is that sometimes there are no hours available.

He doesn’t have a high salary, I will not be getting substantial maintenance. This is honestly like an early midlife crisis where he has done everything on a whim. But he is stubborn and will see it as he has done the “right thing”. He was the most reliable and steady man prior to this. Despite having the potential, we both chose lower salaries, a smaller house, and more time, because children and work-life balance were our priorities.

DC are 7 and 5

So sorry you are going through this . Hugs to you and the children.

Would your parents help with solicitors fees? You really need to see one as soon as possible. What is your relationship like with the in laws?

There isn’t much to split.

This makes it more likely that you would be allowed to stay in the family home - to ensure that that the children are stabily housed.

Don't fool yourself that he hasn't researched. They all do and they don't have to stick to their promises once finances are settled.

He's going to take the children from their loving and capable mother and dump them on his elderly parents. Where's the love and care in that? I cant see it - I can, however, see a distinct financial advantage and that he's playing a strategic divorce card so worn that it's cliche.

You need to sit down with a mediator rather than running to solicitors, actually sitting down just the two of you and saying we will put the kids first is even better but having a third party can help some people. Where the kids sleep is not what he should be concentrating on, it is about time awake - many family's facilitate dinner a couple of times a week rather than the kids switching homes so much. Stbexh comes to dinner here once or twice during the week (the only dc is actually an adult) to maintain contact (she's unwilling to go to him) and the dog is appreciative! I had the "I never loved you" mantra, it hurts, but I put it behind me and am rebuilding my life, having so much more fun and met an amazing man a year on, there's hope!)

Couldn’t read and run, just wanted to offer a handhold and gently suggest you look around for wider support and advice on RL. It’s shit and I would echo those above who say there no need to rush into agreeing anything just yet. Give yourself and your children time to adjust before implementing any changes.
Sounds like he’s had months to come to terms with this decision but you and your children are still reeling.

This sounds a lot similar to when my ExH left. He said he was demanding 50/50 shared care, he gets 4 days per month or alternate weekends.

The contact is solely about the children and what is best for them.

You will feel a.lot better when you accept it's over and start to make arrangements which you are comfortable with for your children.
The last few months will have taken its toll as he messed about with your emotions..my ex did that and the second I said enough is enough I felt instantly a bit better.
Don't agree to anything straight away. Whatever you decide for the children needs to be gradually introduced over time and sensitively handled. They are not wedding presents to be distributed between you they are children with.feelings. he can bloody move at their place not his.
You will be just fine, stay hopeful for your future because it can only get better.

I did feel relatively fabulous for a few days where I felt like I had regained my self respect. I have since come crashing down with a bump.

Going to sort some free appointments and see how Tuesdays + EOW goes. I feel validated in thinking the arrangement he proposed was too much.