H left. Feeling awful.

[RamonaLark]

H left on New Year’s Day after 5 months of back and forth loves me/ doesn’t love me/ depression/ checked out a long time ago, etc etc. This all started over one small argument over porn/ wanking and sex life. After which we had a lot of great sex and intimacy July-December whilst he played havoc with ours lives and his feelings/ my feelings.

When he left I felt remarkably okay. He had picked me up and dropped me so many times that I felt he didn’t deserve me any more and it was his loss.

Now I feel horrendous. We had marriage counselling yesterday (last one) and apparently he didn’t love me all along but was afraid of his own feelings. I’ve been working on the fact that his thoughts and feelings no longer concern me, only my own. But I just feel awful.

On Sunday he saw the children for the first time and when he dropped them back made a proposition for 50:50 parenting. Suddenly the anger came. It would involve them being in childcare more of the week and spending all of those nights in their grandparents’ spare room, as guests. I appreciate 50:50 is his right but (totally selfishly) it feels like I’ve lost my whole life and husband, and now he is going to take my children too. I work part time and have been a dedicated principle carer for our children always. Having children was my life’s dream and I adore it.

I feel so so shit and like I can’t do this. I feel so so so shit.

Don’t agree to the 50/50 nonsense, you have been the main carer and his plan to increase child care and leave them with his parents is not in their best interests.
Mine came up with that, even lied through his teeth and said he was the main caregiver!
Go through CMS, don’t accept an informal arrangement from him because he’ll back out of it, he clearly has form for being flaky.
You must feel awful now but it will pass and your life will be so much better without him messing you around

Just because he wants 50/50, doesn't mean that's what he gets.

Sounds like he's pulled you all through a quagmire of emotions and games. Enough now, and I say this not in a vengeful way, but it's time for you to get your life back, and that doesn't involve your kids being in their gp's spare room for much of the week.

I loved your optimism, your acknowledgment that you deserve better - because you do. His proposal is only fair on him and it seems that's his preferred stance in your family.

Wishing you courage and strength to fight for your kids. They've been through enough by the sounds of it.

Good luck, op. Don't agree to anything that is not fair. 💐💐💐

And just to add when he's not getting exactly what he wants in this new life of his, children or otherwise, don't fall for the oh actually I love you and always did, can I get my feet back under the table routine. Stay strong it's really hard and quite a bit shite at first and they seem to sense when there might be a chunk in your armour

Tell him to fuck off. He has no address of his own and is not sounding stable at the moment.
Don't let him have them.
Seek legal advice. Say he's not stable enough ect. You might have to tell them things you don't want to but if it stops your kids from having to go 50:50 it will be worth it. X

The key thing is what is best for the children.
Yes it is good for them to have contact with both parents. But 50:50 contact rarely works - as one parent lives much further away from school etc. And the children in fact spend most of their contact time in the car or asleep or even in additional child care. That is why EOW and one week night is the norm.
Do you think he is under pressure from his parents to "demand" more contact?

I think he thought it was fair. He only left 6 days ago but he has not spent from the joint current or savings. The joint current his salary goes into and all bills/ mortgage comes out. My account child benefit/ my pay goes into and food, petrol, kids clubs, childcare costs, cleaner costs, etc comes out. My pay has been very low and variable because I’m currently doing a full time masters.