Is my friend rude or am I overreacting?

[TooManyPlatesInMotion]

I've name changed for this one.

I had a falling out with a friend of mine a few months ago. I had thought that we'd patched things up, we talked about it and we both apologised to each other for the episode and moved on.

Roll on Xmas, and just before Xmas I saw a book that I thought my friend would really enjoy (we have a mutual hobby). We don't normally bother with xmas presents but I thought why not, so I bought it, got a card and wrote a note in the card. Note wished her all the best for 2020 and Christmas (ie standard greeting), and then went on to say I hoped she enjoyed the read and that she didn't have the book already, sorry that we had fallen out, life's too short (I have recently been bereaved and she is aware of this) and that I very much hope we can put it all behind us and crack on in 2020. It sounds silly but I thought really carefully about what to write and wanted to make it meaningful as she has previously been a good friend.

Gave her the gift and card taped to it a few days before the holidays. She said she would save it until Xmas. All good.

Then . . . nothing. I didn't read much into that, it's a busy time of year. I then saw her a couple of days ago (hobby). I said hello and wished her a happy new year. Nothing at all. No thank you or acknowledgment or mention of gift or note. I just carried on as normal and then at the end of the day, asked her if she had already read the book/liked it. She responded by saying she didn't have it already but liked the author. No thanks or anything else.

I feel pretty hurt to be honest. I guess I expected a thank you or some kind of acknowledgment. Am I overreacting?!

It is a bit rude of her to not say thank you, but at the same time if she is normally polite, barny aside, I would let this one slide in order to keep the friendship going.

Thanks @MapMyMum. She can be a bit thoughtless occasionally but nothing major.

She should have thanked you ... but it sounds like you're digging up old ground.. you both apologised you both moved on.. she probably groaned at the bringing it up again... maybe?

@BumbleBeee69 Yes, maybe. I guess, though as you say that wouldn't be an excuse for not saying thank you.

Did she thank you when you gave it to her though?

I think it's that your note referenced the argument, I would have been a bit irked by that too. If you agree to move on, move on and don't bring it up unnecessarily again.

Sorry to hear about your bereavement

@TulaOfDarkWater No, she didn't.

She's being passive-aggressive and wants you to try to 'dig out' the reason why, is how it seems to me. I had a friend who operated like that. We're no longer friends, life's too short for mind games.

@Nikhedonia I hadn't really thought of it like that, but perhaps you are right. I guess if I were in her shoes and felt irked by that then I would still say thank you and acknowledge the gift even I were a bit pissed off simply because... You say thank you when someone gives you a present!

Okay in that case, she’s definitely rude.

The only things I can think of is that:

1. She’s annoyed that you brought up the argument again

1. That she’s put out that you changed the status quo & got her something when the two of you don’t usually exchange gifts. It can be awkward & embarrassing when someone gives you a gift & you don’t have anything for them.

Either way, she should have thanked you though - it was obviously a lovely gesture that came from a good place.

@TulaOfDarkWater Thank you. I would rule out option (2) as she is pretty relaxed about stuff like that and it was only a small gift. And yes, even if she is annoyed that I brought up last year's disagreement, I did it in a nice way and meant her only well.

She should have said thanks

End of

I disagree with the comments here. My question is what the hell did you do to fall out?
That is probably the reason. You've obvs pissed her off and maybe she thinks a book and card isn't enough

@Stluciasun the gift was a Xmas present and was not intended to be something to "make up" for the argument. We fell out over a difference of opinion to do with the hobby we share - no one did or said anything utterly awful, it got blown out of proportion at the time. Leading up to Xmas, everything seemed as usual.

If it was just a Christmas gift you should've given it gracefully, with no other motive and been polite enough not to rake up the argument which was otherwise behind you. That is not a gift, it's a way of having the last word while appearing to be all let bygones be bygones. You weren't polite in your gift giving, not surprised she's a bit off with you. Let it go.

I agree with Brigid

@BrigidSt that seems a bit extreme. I didn't rake it up. I just included two sentences apologising for upsetting her - not having the last word on stuff. So you really think that that merits no acknowledgement or thank you?!

I think a thank you is the bare minimum from her, regardless of if she is annoyed or not.

She was rude. Don't dwell on it too much though. Some people are better than others at accepting gifts graciously.

It was rude to bring up something from the past that makes you both uncomfortable, at Christmas, instead of giving a gift freely, with no expectations. It doesn't matter how careful you thought you were, or encouraging, or apologetic. You could've let it lie.
That would be courteous. And show you had moved on. You don't normally exchange Chritmas gifts anyway, so there's that change for her layered with a huge reminder of you both falling out. That's not a gift. It's pushy potentially, make me feel better, tell me it's ok between us now friend, thank me for being so generous.
Having last word = not being able to stop mentioning something it would be better to stop discussing, raking it up.
If you want to retain your friendship and move on, stop talking about what happened if it is resolved. Anything else is needy for reassurance, or irritating or both.

My money is on her not actually being over what happened. I think you had the talk, you both apologised, but for her the ill feelings are still there. I can relate to that, you might want it to be all fine again, but you find that you can't let it go, for whatever reason. But the obvious thing for you to do now of course is to ask her what's going on! Why didn't you?

She may have just not gotten round to saying thank you. When you brought up the gift, maybe it pissed her off that she felt you were then looking for a thank you. Some people can be a bit petty like that.
One of my closest friends didn't thank me for the present I got her this year either which annoyed me a bit but I reckon its because she didn't like it

Hardly anyone says thank you for presents these days. . . It doesn't stop me buying . . . But I certainly don't expect a thank you.

I don't agree with this btw, but it's just how things seems to be.

@mollycoddle77 maybe I should have just asked her but I guess I was a bit taken aback so just kept smiling and then headed off.

You don't know for sure that she got the message. She may have ripped into the present and missed the fact that there was a card that needed reading properly.