Is this a bad situation?

[BiscoffLover]

NC. Been with him just over a year. So many good times but also a lot of bad. He really struggles with trust. I get asked a lot of ridiculous questions and feel stressed out a lot. He wants/needs to be around me a lot and struggles to leave me alone. But when things are good they are really good. I'm so undecided what the right and best thing are to do. Part of me knows I should end it but I know it'll kill me too.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Why do I struggle to get this in my head when I know what he does is wrong.

I just don't know what to do next. I've asked for space but it's like a losing battle.

I completely get where you are coming from. You feel claustrophobic?

You both have different needs in this relationship and if you can't come to a compromise (i.e him giving you space when you need it but you letting him know that you are thinking about him) then its not going to work in the long term for either of you and you need to end it.

End it.

Staying will kill you, ending it only hurts temporarily.

Agree with ohwheniknow above. You deserve to be in a normal relationship.

Yeah it's bad. It will likely get worse. Can you imagine another year like this? Two? Three? You're struggling because it's not all bad. But it's bad enough you should leave.

There is no doubt that we cannot go on like this. There's already concerns about coercive abuse and emotional abuse. I feel on egg shells a lot of the time. He guilt trips me constantly and behaves like a child. I just need that inner strength desperately. I enjoyed being on my own previously so I don't know why it's so damn hard.

To play devils advocate for a moment, do they know this is how you’re feeling? Chances are it’ll be quite hard to feel secure and trusting if they’ve picked up on any non verbal cues that you’re at the end of your tether, all the while pretending that everything is fine, for example. Can’t imagine they’d feel too much like trusting you if they knew you’d asked the internet whether to LTB. Tell them how difficult it is for you so you can discuss it together and it may help you become stronger.

Yes they know full well and have done for some time. We have tried to compromise and agree. He agrees then goes back on his word.

Emotional and coercive abuse sounds more worrying than having trust issues...

You know what you have to do
Tell him
Block him
Stick to it

Do you live together?
Are you afraid for your safety when you tell him?

The fact that you have already had numerous conversations on the subject at least gives you a ‘reason’ that isn’t coming out of the blue and also a flat no to ‘try again’.

Good luck.

He's practically moved in without my permission and when I ask for space or get to the end of my tether and try to end it, the emotions start up saying not to give up on us and we can be really good but nothing changes

No devils advocate for that one, get out safely. Have they shown (hints of) physical violence before?

You're in an abusive relationship OP and they can be addictive. You need to get some counselling in order to raise your self esteem and to see the wood for the trees as it's difficult while you're in the middle of it.

You're on the cycle of abuse and the 'good bits' is the honeymoon period. Perhaps look into doing the Freedom Programme if there's one in your area. Do some reading on controlling and coercive relationships and red flags. Him moving into your place quickly is such a red flag. He's gaslighting you which is why you don't trust yourself.

I don't think there's been any physical violence but when I asked him last week to leave he kept asking me why and trying everything he could to stay. In the end I demanded his key and said if he doesn't go then I'll get someone to come make him.

The next day he then wanted to know if I'd spoken to anyone about having a word with him. The stupid thing is I know all about abuse and red flags I just don't know what's wrong with me.

One of the agreements was that when I ask for space he does it no questions asked. I asked him again last night and it was a big conversation about why I need it, why can't he just sleep here blah blah blah.

I just cannot put my finger on what is wrong with him. He acts like he's not fully focused and his head is elsewhere. He's intelligent and has a good job so I can't make sense of this.

One of the other agreements is that if he's here he pulls his weight and especially cleans the hob after use as he uses this and I don't. Also that he does housework as he doesn't contribute and his excuse is because I WFH I have more time. I've said many times he had too much stuff here, he never takes it home.

The other day he went to have a bath and came down asking if I'd had a shave...he found a tiny little hair in the bath...no I hadn't but even if I had what's it to do with him. He's obsessed with what I'm doing or not doing. I'm on the mini pill and almost never bleed. I had some spotting a week ago, and yesterday I've started a full on period it seems which never happens. He's questioned why it's happening. The only time he's known me bleed is an odd occasion after sex so he's getting at have I been up to no good to cause it. I also have problems with my hips and woke up with both in agony the one night he stayed away with his daughter. Immediately he says the thought crossed his mind I've been up to no good.

Why is he like this, what is this?!

Do you need to understand him, make sense of why he's like this? Or is it enough that you know he is like this and you cannot continue. What's stopping you from bagging up his stuff, changing the locks and ending it?

FFS OP.. get a grip of yourself.. this guy is sucking the living daylights out of your soul.. ?! get him to fuck out of your home your space .. and stop explaining yourself.. why are you explaining yourself... you want him out .. THE END.

This is not an uncommon situation. Thes controlling men move in by stealth and before you know it, they've taken over your entire life. Only one course of action here. Bag his stuff up, give him a time and date to collect it from OUTSIDE your home - make it clear it's over and any shenanigans fom him you'll not hesitate to call the police.

Then relish your freedom.

I want to know I haven't caused him to be like this. I know it needs to be done. I just feel very alone

Why is he like this

Because it gets him what he wants, which is you always walking on eggshells, you always feeling like you owe him explanations, you always on the back foot, you always thinking of him first - how what you do, say, think and feels impacts on him first. That is why he is like this, it is getting him what he wants.

Change the locks back and front door, get a friend around to pack up his stuff and courier it to his home, send him one email telling him the relationship is over, you want no further contact from him, and any attempts to contact you of any nature and you will contact the authorities, and then follow through.

Do not contact him first to end the relationship, any attempt to reason with him or let him down nicely is an opportunity for him to manipulate you further, a short, sharp shock is needed here and then get yourself to counselling to get help with reinforcing your boundaries.

Yes I think that's where I've been going wrong. I tell him and then it gives him the chance to get inside my head.

@BiscoffLover you don't need to understand him you just need to understand that you are not in a relationship that works for you. You haven't made him the person he is and you can't change him.

Ask him to remove his belonging from your home and leave you alone.

Why do these men always think that their partners are obsessed with cheating and will drop their knickers and jump on another bloke the very instant their back is turned?

Honestly, it isn't you - it's him and he will not change.

Get rid of him and don't look back.

I just feel very alone

OP your not alone... come onto here.. there is always someone around, always.. day and night...

Please... don't let this man dominate your who being..

Could you put his stuff in a bin liner and say take that home, it doesn't belong here. Say you want to declutter, if he doesn't take it then it goes in the bin.

Narcissist; they have no core self, just a black hole sucking your spirit.

Sound like this?