I'm seething.

[123testing]

21 years of marriage, controlling bullying behaviour, been a year when the waters were calm and I dropped my guard and he's back to his old tactics.
Catalyst was the car broke down a few times and not been fixed properly, same old joey mechanics but won't take my advice on anything. Went through christmas hols without a car. Was ok on Sunday, told not to drive too much as it could break down again. took it one place and lo and behold it broke down again.
We have multiple kids one with a disability especialy mobility, 2 different schools, lots of after school clubs, hospital apps, grocery shopping, I go to college to study. So I told him we need a reliable car that will last and not break down because it's not practical without it. Even if we have to buy a new one on a lease. He flipped and accused me of trying to keep up wih Joneses and even mimicked me at one point when I was trying to make my point. I'm not saying we have to buy a brand new spanking car, just a reliable one even if it costs abit much. Not talking to him after he mimicked me like that. Feel heart broken and haven't felt like that in a while but it's a familiar feeling. But I don't want to cry. Instead I'm angry!

This is about more than the car (irritating as that is). Controlling bullying behaviour is not acceptable and I think that you should have a chat with Women’s Aid. It’s difficult to think about making changes when you have several children, including the additional needs aspect - I appreciate that -but something has to change. There’s no point quietly seething.

I'm doing the freedom program and can spot the bullying a mile off. I have anxieties around his behaviour in the past and try not to rock the boat but I feel I've reached my limit.
You're right its not just about the car, it's about thr money and expenses thst go along with the car and the freedom I have. I know it sounds dramatic and friends and faimily would tell me im being silly ut I know him. I'm not saying he's deliberatly not fixing the car but he thinks the cars broke down because I drive it too much. Never gone out my own little town and dont but no amount of explaining will make him think any different

sorry for typos

We have multiple kids one with a disability especially mobility, 2 different schools

OP surely you qualify for the Mobility Car ?

Need to look into it

Get one through disability. You don't have to give up the whole benefit depends on the size of the car. X

Also mobility pay tax, insurance and repairs so save money there too. Mod it ASAP. X

Thank you. Just rang dla now. its gonna take a few weeks though.

Well done..

Are you planning on staying together? He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

It's not just a replacement car you need imo op...

Thank you. I didn't go through the process of applying cos I felt we could handle it. Also I feel that once we get the dla dh will call the shots and either not use the money for a car or get one without consulting me. He calls the shots for everything really and i've had enough. I'll be applying and choose obe that fits my dds needs.

Replace him with a car

I hear you ladies. We're already in seperate beds. Biding my time...when I use the grey rock approach and keep him at arms length he's fine. As soon as I drop my guard and become soft he walks all iver me and becomes hot and cold at the drop of a hat and I resort to my old behaviour of anxiety and keeping the peace.

Wow. This feels like therapy

I am also saving some money for house repairs. if We don't get the benefit then I'll use that to get a new car. Sod him. I'm sure he'll have a tantrum though.

Let him tantrum... I presume he won't want insuring on it either, tell him he can have the old one if he likes

He'll shred whatever decision I make about the car to pieces and make me doubt myself and my ability to make a decent choice. Never mind that his choice of a car turned out to be a piece of junk. He's done that to every decision I'be made.
I rememeber when my dd started school and I had a few month old and couldn't manage the school run I bought a double buggy. Not very expensive but not the cheapest. The disdain on his face like I'd made the worst decision of my life. And the constant questions whether I'd shopped around properly and how I always like to waste money like I don't have a care in the world. And the worst thing is my mum supported him and even said I shouldn't have made the decision on my own. I gave it back and struggled with the school run with baby on hip and a barely walking dd. One or two of the school mums helped me out on ocassions. I look back and regret that decision of caving in. That's all I've ever done is cave in and put up.

I also remember when I was pregnant with the same dd our outside pipe had burst and there was sewage leaking into our garden and I asked him to call someone for weeks but nothing happened and I said I'm going to look up the plumber myself, he flipped. Said I didn't care that it's gonna cost a fortune that I don't know about these things and I'm careless filloeed by screaming and yelling and frothing at the mouth and yanking the skybox and saying that I'm a spender who's throwing away money. I learnt to shit my mouth and let him get on with it in his own time.
The backyard door broke twice. He built a flimsy one which lasted a month. We did without one for a few months. He buit one again and got a 'profesional' to sort lock and hinges. Lock doesn't work bit I don't raise the issue because of the accusations of me not caring blah blah blah
Honestly I could go on.

shut not shit lol

If you get dla make sure iit goes to your bank account. If you are entitled to mobility (should be combined assessments) you can have that paid direct to car supplier . Get help with application if u can cab/carers support.

Think you need to start acting as if he is not there

he thinks the cars broke down because I drive it too much

What a fucking idiot. The whole point of a car is that they are supposed to be driven.

He doesn't think this. It's just another stick to beat you with.

Can you access family finances? Just go and buy a a damn car and to hell with him.

another Tosser bullying his family .. because your child needs a car that he won't allow them to have, despite the government assisting with it ...OP this is about the needs of your disabled child not him....

The forms for DLA can be complicated to complete, do get help, this is often mentioned on the SN boards as being very good.
cerebra.org.uk/download/disability-living-allowance-dla-guide/

Make sure you are your child's appointee, that means you deal with everything for your child.

Calm with an abuser usually just means they have full control and you're not challenging them. It's physically safe, but not an improvement or reduction in their abuse.

What's your longer term plan here? I'm glad you are doing Freedom and finding it helpful.