Dealing with DH’s depression

[Apple222]

Am posting for support and advice here as things feel desperate.

To cut a long story short, DH has suffered with depression for many years. There have been times where things have not been so bad but the last two years have been dreadful and he is currently in a very low state. The symptoms are destructive and he is currently talking about moving 400 miles away as he thinks he will be happier elsewhere. He manages to hold down a job but generally feels dissatisfied with every job he has had, finds everyone ‘toxic’ and difficult to get on with. He has very few friends and, when he does make a new friend, it tends to be people with quite serious mental health / emotional issues themselves. His behaviour can be quite erratic and he tends to blame external things for his unhappiness (me, family or where we live).

He is on medication and has had therapy in the past but it has never made the slightest difference. If anything, he comes away more angry and upset about his life. He talks about his life being hopeless and having no meaning.

So my question is, what can I do? If anyone has been in a similar position, what helped you? What did you do? How did you cope? What helped the situation?

I feel desperate. Very grateful for any thoughts.

It's so hard I've been through this with my DH.
Try not to take too much of it on yourself and really support him getting help. It sounds like he needs more help. Has he had CBT? It was a game changer for my DH but up until that point nothing I said/did really helped. I also got a puppy (but extreme) so DH had something to focus on outside of himself. Having to walk her and take care of her really helped.
Make sure you look after yourself, I was so focused on him I didnt.
They do come out of it eventually, very few people stay depressed for ever. I know that maybe not that useful right now.

Oh we still have the dog now, she's 8! And still a great support to him

I think you have to decide whether you can be happy in the marriage if he continues as he is.

Keep pushing him to seek medical treatment. 10 years here with DH with severe anxiety and (probably) depression. Now finally in meaningful recovery. By 'severe' I mean couldn't sit at breakfast table, couldn't be anywhere too warm, back to bed for rest of the day if the slightest thing uncomfortable (eg tiny hangover, tired, full after a meal).
It's only after a referral to mental health services and a psychiatrist and seeking out a private psychologist is life different.
It's an almost intolerable strain on you. Good luck

Thank you @insaneinthemembury I really appreciate your response and wholeheartedly agree with you about dogs!

We have had to cope with the death of our dog which has been very difficult. We do talk about getting another dog and I think it would help but at the moment he is fixed upon moving which would mean us separating so, while he is fixed on that, getting a dog would not be sensible.

It’s wonderful that your dog has been such a support to your DH. They are amazing animals.

You are right about the need to look after yourself and I am trying but it is so difficult. It’s so appallingly destructive.

Thanks again x

I feel so sorry for you OP. I put my mother through something similar while I suffered from depression. I was extremely destructive and angry. All I can say is keep giving support but also please look after yourself. My mum ended seeking therapy herself because of the pain I put us both through (unintentionally) she said it helped her cope with the situation. I've always had anxiety and depression but after therapy and unlimited support from my mother I am coping with it. Your DH will also need to want to get better for therapy to work effectively.

Thank you all of you for responding. He has a referral to mental health services in progress. I may contact them today to chase up another appointment but I am worried about ‘interfering’.

I totally get what you describe @WineIsMyCarb... DH is constantly saying that every part of him aches, feels uncomfortable, doesn’t feel right. I don’t know how he is getting on at work...I guess all his energy goes into that. It’s so destructive though...that’s the bit I can’t bear. He doesn’t seem to care about the loss of our relationship, his home, anything. It’s just this magical thinking that everything would be fine if he lived in a different part of the country or was three stone lighter, or something else...

Dont move unless it s right for you.
Grass is greener approach was one of exp approaches....but if he needs to try moving and wants to let him for a few weeks trial. But leave to him to organise. Make it clear if you dont want to move.
You cannot solve this for him.

You can save yourself. See a therapist or counselor for you. That helps.

Read "depression fallout"

And matt haig etc and
Read Sally brampton v insightful. Remember it s his illness and you cannot cure it but can decide how yo live with it set your boundaries etc

You can call about appointments but unless he s danger to himself and needs sectionjng
He has to be the one to engage with MH services.
It s very draining.
Do you have dc?

@selmabear So glad to hear you are now in a better place and coping with your depression and anxiety. You are right in that the impact is huge. I am having my own counselling which I am hoping will help me cope. My DH says he doesn’t mean to hurt me but it’s like he kicks against me and rejects our relationship at every step. I know he feels lost but why does it have to come with so much anger and destructiveness? It’s that I struggle with. How am I supposed to support him when he behaves in such a destructive way. I don’t even know how to support him.

@Embracelife Thank you for your suggestions...I will look into those books.

The grass is greener is something that dominates all his conversations. He sees everything as bleak here but feels it will be so much better somewhere else. I’ve gently advised him not to make life changing decisions when he is feeling low and lost as the lens of depression clouds your thinking. Of course things would feel different for a short time, but not in the long-term. I’m definitely not moving. We don’t have DC but he feels that having a baby would ‘heal’ him.

So sorry you are going through this. It's awful. I tried for years to get my exH to engage with therapy but he refused. It was like he was addicted to his pattern of behaviour and blame-culture. I got out before he dragged me down with him. I would seriously advise you not to have a baby with him.

Good luck.

@Apple222, can I contribute to say that I have so much respect for those of you who have stood by and supported your partners through difficult times with depression. I suffer from depression and my STBXH has never been able to understand or provide any kindness and support. You are wonderful people.

Have to say agree with sicario...tho if you accept you may end up a lone parent then go for it. But have dc because you want them and are prepared to go it alone if needed. Don't have dc or move or anything in the belief it will make him happy.... it took few years but I realized eventually nothing I did would make him happy or cause him to be unhappy.

Your dh has to have insight and be seeking help in order for you to be able to support him. The madcap schemes and apparent drive (let a move to xxx) can seem attractive .....but if you trying to have dc and run a home etc then they dont work.

Bless you all for responding to my post.

@SuperbMonkey I can assure you that my DH would not say I am in the least supportive or caring. He is always telling me that I don’t understand and that I make things worse. I do get angry and frustrated as his behaviour causes a lot of turmoil in our relationship. He is never content with what he has...just does not see anything positive or anything to be grateful for. Whatever he has he wants something different, something more.. It’s heartbreaking to be on the receiving end of that discontent. I have tried my best but he doesn’t see the things I do...only the things I don’t do. I need to support him better, I know that. I certainly need to stop showing my frustration and anger but it is difficult when I find his behaviour destructive and when it impacts on me so severely.

@Sicario I agree. I think this is an established pattern of behaviour now and he has forgotten what it is like to feel ‘normal’. There won’t be any babies. I have told him that a baby will most certainly not heal him.

@Embracelife nothing I did would make him happy or cause him to be unhappy. Yes, to this. I need to remember this!

He knows he isn’t well and feels lost but blames me for most of it!

You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for his happiness. Nor anyone else's. It took me a long time to figure this out. Your happiness is of paramount importance, (and is no one else's responsibility, only yours).

There is no helping someone who doesn't want to be helped and is interested only in blaming you (and others) for his misfortune. It's a horrible merry-go-round and I discovered to my cost that there was no fixing it.

The day we separated I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I could play music again, dance in the kitchen with the cat, and experience joy without that massive cloud of resentment.

Six months after we separated he started begging me to try again. I told him to piss off and found a divorce lawyer instead. Never been happier. You really don't need that kind of shit in your life.

@Apple222, I can tell from your posts that you have been supportive, that you care, and that you want to do the best for both of you. My depression was nowhere near as bad as your DH’s. I worked throughout, did everything I could to help myself, and stayed hopeful. My partner did nothing at all to support me. Be kind to yourself, you are only human.

@SuperbMonkey Thank you so much for your kind words...they mean a lot. I think I am supportive (most of the time). I do lose it on occasions and get angry, not because he is ill but because of the things he does which are so destructive. He seems to do everything possible to make it difficult for me to love him or care about him. He pushes me away. Then when I get angry he will say that I’m not supportive and I don’t care. It is easier for him to be angry with me as actually giving a shit about me and my feelings requires effort. I am so sorry you did not receive the support you needed from your partner....that must have been so difficult and painful.

@Sicario Yes, you are right, there is no helping people who blame everyone else for their misfortune. They cannot see that their misery comes from themselves....they won’t take responsibility for it. I am so glad you have moved on from that black cloud and life is brighter for you...and your cat.

Hi OP

You say this has been going on for many years. He has tried various things and nothing has worked. I just wanted to say that this does not have to be your life. He is telling you it's all your fault. You can be depressed and in the wrong relationship (not that that would make it your fault either). It just sounds like your relationship is very one sided and I am worried that he will just drag you down with him. Have you considered leaving him?

I think the hardest part about it is that your needs seem to cease to matter. They don't care how your day was, or how you're feeling. If you feel down, you're not as depressed as them or you feel you have to cheer up because you're making them worse. If you feel ill, they aren't willing to look after you, they won't ask how you are, they only care about themselves ('oh no you're sick now I'm going to get sick too')

I wish I had the answer for you

I feel for you OP. My ex fiance has been depressed most of his life. I was with him for 3 years. He left the house after a minor argument on the 21st December and i haven't spoken to him since.

He has only had a job for 9 months of the 3 years because he has walked due to the toxic people that work there and him losing his temper because things are not going the way he wants. He makes EVERYTHING into a drama and plays the victim (i really do mean everything). We sat across a breakfast table a few months back after barely sharing a word all morning and he said under his breathe "i hate my life" . He said this often. The anger in him is unbearable. He is so unreasonable and rages at the most insignificant things.

I have been more than supportive at the detriment to my own mental and financial health but i can't do it anymore.

The peace i have had since he had gone had really opened my eyes to what he has put me through for the lasts 3 years. I love him and deep inside there is a beautiful man with a huge heart (will do anything for others even those who betray him) but i can't cope with him in my life anymore.

I think you need to sit down with him and lay out exactly how he is affecting you and if you both cannot work out a way to change things then you need to look at leaving.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie Yes, we have talked about splitting up recently and we are about to go for relationship counselling to see if we can work this out. I did leave him in the early years of our relationship but he pleaded with me to come back. He tends to throw hand grenades into the relationship every so often...I often feel he is putting me to the test to see if I will leave (he has attachment issues) but the damage he causes is shocking. The impact on me, my health and my work is terrible so I know I can’t take much more unless things change drastically. Even then I’m not sure I can forgive him for the damage he has caused.

@fligglepige His needs supersede everything and if he does do something ‘nice’ for me he later resents it. It seems to drain him. He is completely self-absorbed in his own world of depression and hurt. Although occasionally he will say he wouldn’t blame me for leaving him, he shows little insight into the damage he causes and ultimately is angry with me for the way I respond to it. I’m only human but he expects me to somehow respond with compassion to everything he does, whatever the damage caused or impact on me. Everything is about him and the way he feels.

@Wild123. Ditto! Down to the toxic people he works with and the fact that he is always the victim and everyone is horrible to him and doesn’t understand him. DH also says he hates his life...it is pointless, boring and there is no future he says. I empathise with the rage too...I think underlying it all is anger...the feeling of life being unjust and unfair and instead of taking responsibility, he looks for someone to blame. Looking inward is clearly too painful for them. While he takes some comfort from the fact that I know him well I also think he hates that too and there’s part of him wanting to reinvent himself somewhere else...to start again where no-one knows him. Trouble is, history repeats doesn’t it? We have counselling booked in which I view as a chance to sit down and look at how both of us need things to change. We need a clear plan. I’m not sure how it will go as he is already of the mindset that the counsellor and I will gang up on him (victim again).

Thank you, thank you to everyone for your kind and wise words.

Meant to say @Wild123 I am sorry your relationship has broken down...it sounds awful...I hope you have good friends and family around you who are supporting you through this. It is so terribly sad. I can fully understand when you say you love him but can’t cope with him in your life any more. So sad. I could have written your post myself xx

I empathise-especially with DH thinking everything would be better if he lost weight or moved away. His latest is how awful the country is (especially the current government) and how things would be better if we either emigrated thousands of miles away or lived remotely as he hates being near people.

I don’t want to move-I am happy, but he is so angry and says I am making him miserable for staying here (near all our friends, jobs and family) and if he’d known living here was going to be a life sentence, he would never have done so.

He seems to have slowly accepted I’m not moving but is very resentful about it. It feels like he won’t be happy here but HAS to stay because I won’t be happy elsewhere, the implication being he’s being forced to sacrifice his happiness for mine. He even said how cross he’d be if I left him further down the line and he’d stayed ‘for nothing’.

What I don’t want is for him to remain here and be utterly miserable and horrible with me about it-what’s the point in that, he might as well go? But he says without me and the kids (teens who don’t want to move) it’s pointless anyway. He thinks that him staying is me getting to be happy at the expense of him though and we go around in circles.

What I want is for him to lose weight and see the GP for antidepressants, but I don’t see either happening anytime soon.