Dealing with DH’s depression

[Apple222]

Am posting for support and advice here as things feel desperate.

To cut a long story short, DH has suffered with depression for many years. There have been times where things have not been so bad but the last two years have been dreadful and he is currently in a very low state. The symptoms are destructive and he is currently talking about moving 400 miles away as he thinks he will be happier elsewhere. He manages to hold down a job but generally feels dissatisfied with every job he has had, finds everyone ‘toxic’ and difficult to get on with. He has very few friends and, when he does make a new friend, it tends to be people with quite serious mental health / emotional issues themselves. His behaviour can be quite erratic and he tends to blame external things for his unhappiness (me, family or where we live).

He is on medication and has had therapy in the past but it has never made the slightest difference. If anything, he comes away more angry and upset about his life. He talks about his life being hopeless and having no meaning.

So my question is, what can I do? If anyone has been in a similar position, what helped you? What did you do? How did you cope? What helped the situation?

I feel desperate. Very grateful for any thoughts.

A lot of the things you're written resonate with me. My DH suffers from depression, anxiety and other MH issues. I feel for you, because I know how hard it can be trying to deal with it, help them feel a bit of hope/happiness and also make sure your own happiness/life/home don't go under in the mire.

My DH's MH issues came like a shock out the blue while we were on honeymoon and it was a long, tedious road back to some kind of normality where he has happier moments and can work again. I love him but a part of me will always resent what I've had to go through and what I have to deal with because of his MH. I don't tell him that but I think it's OK to recognise that that is how it makes me feel.

Talking really helps us. If he is struggling or having a bad day, he will tell me and will say if he wants to be left to himself/get out the house. He has had therapy and is on medication which helps too. Some days I just have to accept will be bad days and we can try again tomorrow. I've stopped trying to be responsible for his happiness - I've realised only he can sort that out. I wish I had realised that earlier in our marriage.

He has big ideas or fads (new hobby, new pet, specific type of item) which he always has to have RIGHT NOW. I want him to be happy and have fallen into the trap of thinking that if he has these things/experiences he will be happier, but there's always something else on the horizon once the initial whim has vanished. I've now taken to not saying much if he is fixating on things he wants - sometimes the urge fades, other times (if it carries on and he's still fixating on it) we make a compromise, e.g. he wanted to take up golf so NEEDED to have a specific set of clubs/equipment which we couldn't afford. We spoke about it and agreed he would save each month and make sacrifices elsewhere to be able to afford them. Eventually other things were more important to him.

He has had moments of hating where we live (just moved into a new house and thought the cramped, mouldy flat we had was better). It was all he would go on about and eventually the bleakness he brought into rooms made me shout at him. It seemed to snap some sense into him for the moment but it got easier once he got used to the house.

It is hard, really, really hard, but know that you're a stronger person for being able to manage it. You should also know that you have the freedom to be able to step away from it - you don't have to put up with this odd, horrible cycle if you don't want to. It's very easy, when you love someone, to want to try and fix what's hurting them, but sometimes you just can't. You can't be responsible for his happiness or hope that there will be a quick fix with say, a new pet or a baby.

I could see the sadness and pain in his eye on our first date and i guess I've been delusional enough these past three years to think i could bring him some happiness and "fix" him.

He's had an awful life really and he's not a bad person. I believe he deserves happiness and if he applied himself and stopped playing the victim and thinking that everything that happens is unjust and unfair he might just find some.

Reading these posts is helping me see that i really can't marry him and live a life like this.

@Letseatgrandma Oh, how I empathise. I feel your pain about becoming the source of resentment because you don’t want to move. You have to stand firm because you know as well as I do that even if a move brings temporary relief, there will be something else to be miserable about in time. There isn’t a perfect place to live. I could have written your post, word for word in some places, especially the resentment that he is staying for YOU and therefore your needs get met while his don’t. I think the lack of motivation to do anything about it must be fear...what if I get help and still feel miserable. I also think it suits them to blame other people for their misery. How much easier is it to blame others than actually do something constructive?

@theruffles I understand your resentment. It is definitely not what you signed up for and, in your case, was so unexpected. Trouble is any stressful life event such as getting married becomes a magnifier and now you will probably always be worried about how he will react to things. I think you are right about talking. I too have encouraged my DH to be transparent but I also think sometimes things can revolve so much around their needs, what they need to talk about, to the detriment of how I feel. I often wonder how much is self-indulgence too...becoming so used to having everything centre on them that they can’t actually think about anyone else’s feelings because they are so focused on their own. I have often wondered if therapy increases this too as, again, it is all about them, focusing inward on their thoughts and feelings rather than what is happening around them.

I get the new fads thing. There are some big ideas voiced here but very little comes to fruition which becomes another source of unhappiness. It’s that situation of not being grateful for what they have or for the small things. It is so difficult to live with. You are right...there are definitely no quick fixes. In fact, with pets, babies, hobbies, come responsibility and other ‘duties’ and pressures...

@Wild123 I feel so sad for you. I think we always hope for the best and the occasional glimpses keep you going. However, eventually the glimpses get fewer and further between especially as pressures and responsibilities increase and you need them to step up. That’s the telling part. Can they step up when you need them to? When you need them, what happens? Are they there for you? Life doesn’t get easier does it and marrying someone who already isn’t stepping up is unlikely to end in roses is it? You deserve better. You actually NEED better. Don’t feel guilty for that,

Sending much love and respect to you all. Thank you for your support.

@apple222 thank you for your reply, it’s nice to hear I’m not alone.

What do you find helps in conversations about moving away?

DH seems to think that I’m ‘winning’ by getting to stay. My argument is that I’ve always lived here (aside from going away to study), have never shown any interest in doing anything life changing like emigrating, I see my family and friends all the time and have never expressed any desire to live anywhere else. My not wanting to move wouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. Except him, clearly, which makes me wonder if he knows me at all?

DH’s desire to move is a bit of a fad as you describe-it’s his ‘thing’ of the moment and he has been researching property abroad, flights, bits of woodland etc-saying, ‘well, you could get a dog if we moved’. I just show very little interest and he feels that I am getting my own way in staying and says I refuse to talk about it. I do refuse, because we go around in circles and it’s emotionally destructive. The last conversation we had about it, I said it can’t continue and I would rather divorce than either move or stay in this miserable arguing existence. That was just before Xmas and he hasn’t brought it up again since.

I wonder if he actually wants to move or if he just wants to ‘win’. Or me to lose?! Is it control?

I want to go to Relate but he isn’t keen.

So so stressful and draining for you all.

The grass is greener whichever side it is watered....

Therefore as you know moving won't be the magical answer to everything

I completely empathise. My DH gets obsessed with things that 'if only I had these then life would be better' He would frequently become convinced that it was our rental house that was the problem and if only we would move then he'd be better.

He also looks back on every situation with hugely rose tinted glasses. He will look back at being in uni, our home town, our first rental, his first job and talk about how.much he loved it then. When in fact he spent the entire time we lived there, he was working there complaining about how shit it was.

It's so hard isn't it?

Honest question op. Are you still happy with him. This doesnt sound like an equal relationship of any sort and it seems like his MH issues have dominated your entire marriage. You are not responsible for fixing him or his happiness.
you sound so supportive of him. Just dont forget about yourself as well - your happiness, your life and your own MH.
Dont bring a child into this, not fair to put a child through this.

@ Karigan...ha ha yes exactly this. You cannot win.

He also looks back on every situation with hugely rose tinted glasses....When in fact he spent the entiiee time....complaining about how shit it was.

My DP has depression & we are in the process of separating.

It has been grim; he has lost jobs, been made redundant, performance managed at work. Has not pulled his weight in home/family life. Been disengaged & angry. It has taken it's toll.

I think of his depression as a black hole; I could fling myself, the kids & all my possessions in it but it would never be enough.

He has engaged with therapy & medication, so at least he has helped himself.

But I would never have taken it onboard willingly; he never told me he had it & it's had a massive impact on our relationship. Financially it has been really tough, to the point on not being able to pay the mortgage. The resentment on my part is huge.

OP, how old are you & do you want DC?

I would not be having DC with this man. Sorry.

you can stick by soeone with depression.it takes work and hard graft and turmoil lots of the time.but many cant seek help but dont blame other.we only hear of the 'bad' ones on here. but there are thoe who eel guilt remorse and shame of what they do to their family.who ant seek help.BUT they still re thoughtful,think and try to protect those trying to help them.they still try to do the little things that matter,try to think of others,try to help or give back.they can show so much appreciation to those sticking by them.and you continue to stick by them because allthough the depression has smothered the person they still give back.in whatever way they can they still give back.

OP He sounds like my dad and I feel so sorry for his wife.

I really recommend a book called ‘depression fallout’ it’s what happens to families when some one in it suffers from depression. It was a real light bulb moment.

Depression is one thing but emotional abuse another and this man sounds emotionally abusive OP.

@Letseatgrandma You are definitely not alone. I’m not sure what is effective when we discuss the moving away issue. I am absolutely sure I am not moving however because I am confident that his desire to move is more to do with the fact that he is depressed and thinks that a move will solve everything when it absolutely will not. Therefore, whenever it comes up I feel quite justified that, while I understand why he wants to move, and yes, the photos look beautiful, we need stability and a massive upheaval and all the uncertainty that comes with it is not going to work at this moment in time. I also refer to the fact that making decisions when you are suffering from depression is not a great idea. It clouds your judgement and can make you think that all the answers lie elsewhere. They don’t. Our support networks are here. Our jobs are here. Such a significant change when you are depressed is asking for trouble in my view given moving / changing jobs are stressful life events in themselves. I think you are right about it being a win-lose situation and your DH is keen to win and have control....maybe because he feels out of control in other aspects of his life? Maybe because he genuinely thinks he will be happier or feel different? It’s unlikely though isn’t it? And it is a huge upheaval to make if it doesn’t work out... I genuinely believe that for any move to work, both of you have to want it and benefit from it.

@FourDecades Absolutely. Wherever you water the grass will grow! Put your energy into where you are, not a dream of where you think you want to be.

@karigan Yes, yes, yes. Exactly. The shit is forgotten and suddenly it was amazing. I don’t know how people can rewrite history like this but somehow they manage to! Conversely, the good times are suddenly shit. You can’t win. Shifting sands....

@OneDay10 There’s a lot of thinking to do, on both sides. The MH issues have peaked this year and have damaged things. Other years, not quite so much. If he gets help and therapy is effective, there may be a chance. If he refuses help or doesn’t engage then it’s a different story. I am having my own counselling too as support for me. I am supportive to a degree but I also get very frustrated and angry. I make sure I do things for myself so that it isn’t all about him. I won’t be able to put up with much more though. Things have reached a peak. It’s do or die now. We won’t bring children into this.

@MakeMineALargeProsecco The black hole is a good analogy because, you are right, you could give the depression everything and it still wouldn’t be enough. It needs more and more and more...sucks the life out of everything and whatever you give is not enough. I hope you find happiness as a result of your separation, once you have managed to let go of the (perfectly justified) resentment you feel. I often feel marriage vows are outdated in that there should be a caveat to ‘in sickness and in health’ ...

@kateandme I agree with you. Just because someone has depression doesn’t mean they can’t give. It is so individual and everyone’s depression is so different. It fluctuates too. Some behaviours I can deal with, some I most certainly cannot.

@Peterspotter I will definitely read that book...thank you for the suggestion.

@RebelWithVerySharpClaws I agree, there is a fine line. When a person thinks only of themselves and their own needs and feelings, the risk of emotional abuse is there. They simply cannot meet anyone else’s needs but their own.

@Apple222 I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on with you and your DH. Is he still hell bent on moving? I agree with you completely BTW, whatever issues he has won't be resolved by moving as (unless there's something I'm missing) his issues aren't being caused by anything that's where you are living at the moment..... and it will make life much more difficult for you to be uprooted and move such a long way away.

I had a 'D'P many years ago who sounds very similar. He struggled to make friends, hated his work and was generally a very angry person. I knew him first as my friend's DB and think I only saw the good side of him till we got together; then there was the occasional outburst of temper followed by good times. At some point it got to be so there was just as many good times as bad, and then towards the end really it was only bad. But it was a very insidious process, to the point where I honestly thought I was causing his temper tantrums and there must be something wrong with me to set off these screaming, awful, blazing sessions (not even arguments - I didn't fight back).

I coped at the time by throwing myself into work - had a very busy job and lots of friends through that, plus I could work late and escape him - but TBH the only thing that solved it was leaving him. I realised that I was enabling him to do these things by not fighting my corner, there was no way he'd behave so appallingly at work or with his (few) friends as they wouldn't have stood for it. After months and months of hideous arguments, the relief when I told him I was going was indescribable. And do you know what? He cried like a baby, said he didn't realise how I'd felt (even though I'd told him time and time again when he was calm after a screaming fit!) and offered to go to anger management. I said no. And left.

Not saying that you have to leave him if you don't feel like it's the right thing to do - but equally you know that moving just to appease him isn't the right thing to do. I don't know your age but how does it make you feel knowing that you might have another (for example) forty years with him like this? He really needs to put as much effort in to the relationship as you clearly are.

Sending you lots of and hugs whatever you decide xx

@RubySlippers77 Thank you for your support. I won’t be moving anywhere. It’s utterly ridiculous to think that somehow moving will make everything wonderful especially if you are moving away from family and friends. My motto has always been to improve things where you are rather than make any dramatic moves. I guess he is desperate but desperation tends to result in mistakes doesn’t it?

The only consequence people have in a relationship is when their partner to leave. At work, if you behaved like that, you’d be disciplined or sacked. Friends would stop contacting you. In a relationship, your only ammunition is to leave which often means leaving your home, security and everything else you have worked for. The stakes are high and they know it. That’s why they can push it.

Thanks again to everyone for your kindness, insights and support. Wishing you all well.

So glad you're getting counselling, and that you won't have children with him, and won't let him isolate you by making you move away. You seem to have your head screwed on, in which case you can only put up with so much, as you see that it's unreasonable what he's expecting you to put up with.

If someone has been depressed and/or angry for many years, or had longstanding problems, sometimes it's actually due to personality disorder traits, (such as Borderline) or the person has undiagnosed ASD or ADHD, which can also lead to personality disorder traits due to the experiences they go through (I know all this from bitter personal experience!)

Part of overcoming it s realising the problem is in themselves and how they relate to the world and their emotions , and try to both accept (forgive) and change themselves and how they relate to others and their emotions.

People with personality disorders often lack insight into themselves having anything they need to improve.

People who've lived with undiagnosed ASD and/or ADHD often have low self esteem because they've repeatedly 'failed' both professionally and at friendships etc.

I don't know if any of this has any relevance to you, it's just stuff I didn't discover about myself until I was in my 40s, and know I'm not alone.

Either way, your DH sounds like how my dad was when I was growing up. No-one should have to live under that cloud cast by another person. You deserve to enjoy life, and relax and have fun in your own home.

@Interestedwoman Thank you so much for your post, I have messaged you.