Have already posted thread, but advised to 're post where it will get seen

[Justascaredcat]

I've never posted on anything like this before, but read a post from 2013 whilst searching what I should do in this situation and feel like the advice given is sound, so thought I'd register as I'm at a loss.

I am 33 and currently married to my second husband (was really young when I got married the first time) the man I am married to, I love intensely, he is hard working, devoted to me and a brilliant step father to my 2 son's, I want for nothing, he helps around the house, we have so many things in common and have a good life, But, it's a big but.... sometimes (I'm crying when I type this because, it's more than sometimes if I'm honest) he is absaloutly awful to me when he is drunk, this new year is the second new he has ruined in a row, he says really hurtful things, shouts at me, tells me to shut the fuck up, tells I do his head in, I whine, I'm irritating, I'm annoying, I piss him off, he can't stand me , to get out of his face, to stay away from him ECT ECT, this list is pretty much endless. He an ever insults me, as in calls me names and he never says anything aggressive, as in threats of violence.

Sober: he avoids confrontation at all cost.
Me in general, am quite a confident woman, I have lived away from since 16, ex military and work in an environment where I have to really be able to look after my self.

When he is drunk and this way inclined I feel I become quite keen and timmid, I try to avoid arguing back with him as he doesnt listen to me any way.

The last time (before the most recent) it got so bad my 14 year old son, went absaloutly mental, sticking up for me and threatened him, I left with my to son's and stayed in a hotel until everything calmed down, when I returned I told him I was leaving him but he convinced me to stay.

This time, 5 days ago, I again accepted his apology, but don't know if I've actually forgiven him, it keeps playing over and over in my mind, to the point where tonight, I have woke up with a start, heart racing actually crying and struggling to breath as I had a dream that he got drunk and was that violent he cracked my cheack bone and made my face bloody, although I don't think he would ever hit me, subconsciously I must have some concerns.

I don't want to be 33 and be divorced again, I really love him, but have lost so much respect for him, on our honeymoon he got so drunk he stood in the street and wet himself, and various things that make me cringe as well as the shouting.
I'm at a loss I really am, what do I do?

You tell him he needs to stop drinking if he can't handle it.

If drink affects him that badly he just needs to stop. It's not fair on your or your children. If he was really sorry he'd do anything to prevent it happening again.

You know drunk him isn't the same as normal him, so it's not unreasonable to worry that one day he could flip and hurt you.

How often does he drink? Can he have a beer or two without becoming a massive prick, or is it all or nothing?

You might want to get this moved to Relationships. If you report your own post @MNHQ will move it for you.

Thank you for your reply,

This is my thinking as I still can't sleep, I'm worried that my dream means I'm going insane, yet rationalise it by thinking who's to say it won't happen, I never thought he's do any thing has done to me this far.

I really genuinely don't think he would physically hit me, as he never threatens me or becomes aggressive at me directly, just argues, mainly voicing whats in his head.

He drinks all the time, he's a head chef and has been a chef for 25+ years, he feels that's the only way he can relax, but this behaviour is only after a particulary big drinking session not only after a few beers.

To out it in perspective, is say it probably happened 12- 15 times in the whole 6 years we've been together, this big any way, usually I tell him to shut up and put him to bed x

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

Ultimatum

Stop drinking and attend AA or we split

Say it , mean it and enforce it

This is incredibly damaging for your kids . I don’t say that to guilt trip you , but as kids don’t show it we often don’t realise it

This will just get worse , more frequent

Make plans and explore how you can get him to leave if he refuses to play ball and get help

Ps he probably won’t attend AA , just a gut feel I get from reading this post

I think it's more of an issue because he can handle his drink so he knows when he's drinking too much and what happens when he does, but still chooses to do so and subject you to that abuse.

Honestly if you're happy for the whole of the rest of the time maybe just suggest that he stops in a hotel if he's going to get into a state where he's going to act like a knob end.

Tell him how you feel, and about your dreams because that's your subconscious telling you he's not necessarily safe for you to be around when he's in that state.

2-3 times a year is quite often for you to have to deal with this and it's not fair on you x

Ultimatums are only any use if you are really prepared to carry through with the consequences. I'm this case it sounds like you are and it does sound like drinking is the root of your problems with him. So I think a cool clear ultimatum, give up drinking and go to AA, or we are leaving for good this time, is the way to go. This must be shit for your son of he is feeling he needs to stand up for you, I'm afraid you need to stand up for him, and yourself.
Good luck.

Pog100, I am prepared to offer an ultimatum, no issues, just afrelaid ill loose o genuinely believe he'll choose alcohol over me, I've just shocked myself writting that but I think it's fact

Fightingmycorner, just out of interest what makes you think he won't attend?? Because I don't think he will either, I've asked him to stop drinking accsessivly, see someone but never actually asked him to stop, as I'm scared he'll say no

I think you probably will 'lose' though to be honest it's hard to see this as a loss, more of a gain. This is no way to live your life and even less of a way to show your son how to live a life ...

Giveherelhell from us.

Bingo!! That's what drives me up the wall, he can handle his drink and I'll tell you what else, if I have a feeling he is going to be in a situation where he'll drink exccsesivly ill talk to him first, if he knows it's really important to me, like the suprise party we threw for my mum's 60th for instance, he couldn't stand he was so drunk, but told me how amazing I was and how m6luch he loved me all night, he knew heroines that, there's no coming back

Pog100, I know I just love this man so much and this is what is destroying us, I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet but he is sheepish this morning, I think he knows tgere was something in my dream about to. Xx

I don't want to be 33 and be divorced again
Why not?
YOU have not failed here.
HE has.
You are currently failing your DC.
They are growing up thinking this is normal.
They will be the same with their relationships in future.
Do you want that?
He is abusive - it really is that simple.
THIS will be your life for the next 20-30-40 years if you stay.

As a PP said, issue the ultimatum. If he does chose alcohol over you then you know exactly how high up his priority list you are.
You can then get out and live a life without this hanging over you every time he has a drink.

He's made loads of promises to stop doing this to you but continues to do so.
You allow it. You enable it. Why would he stop doing it?
He has no consequences to his actions.

Time to issue the ultimatum, mean it and follow through with it!
Do you have somewhere you could go?
Do you have family or friends you could stay with until you get things sorted out?
Do NOT show your DC that this is normal.
Show them that women do not put up with this.
Show them that you respect yourself enough to walk away.
Show them you are strong and are willing to put them and their mental health before an alcoholic asshole who abuses you, and in turn them!!!

I don't want to be 33 and be divorced again

Better to be divorced again than living with someone who's so abusive that you and your son have to go to a hotel to get away from him.

This won't improve, you know. He won't suddenly become the man you thought he was. I'd jump ship - I'm sure your son wants you to do that, too.

You have to leave him. This will ruin yours and your kids lives if not. My step father was exactly the same. He’d go months without touching drink and was lovely. The moment he drank boom. Nasty. Vicious. Out of control. My mother eventually left but not before huge amounts of damage had been done. My sister now resents her and won’t have her round her kids. None of it is rational as she’s not the drinker but there’s always consequences down the line for letting people like this be around your kids. You’ll pay one day unless you get him out of your kids lives NOW. Imagine 15 years in the future; they have a family and they won’t let you visit or they move far away because they’ve had enough of you and your inability to protect them. Protect your future with your kids. Tell him he’s out. The fact he’s avoiding confrontation when sober is also a red flag. He has anger issues and needs therapy and help.

12-15 times of being really nasty to you is every 6 months or more, for 6 years!! You shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum. He knows he does it, he knows he could avoid it by not getting that drunk, but he's repeatedly chosen to have a big drinking session even though he knows the consequences. He's knowingly and repeatedly making that choice and has been doing so for years. I really wouldn't give him any more chances. You're wasting the best years of your life on him. Get rid asap and raise your standards while you're still young and before this relationship robs you of your self esteem.

That's so much worse. So it's not even a case of he gets so drunk he doesn't know what he's doing (which is bad enough) but instead he just uses it as an excuse to be an abusive bastard and he knows exactly what he's doing.

I agree with the ultimatum.
It ever happens again and you're gone.

Hellsbellsmelons.

Thank you for your comment, I feel this is heartfelt, I can see why you'd be frustrated. If I was reading this thread, I would be exactly the same as everyone commenting,

I completely agree with everything you have said and if I was reading this post about someone else I would say the exact same thing, but if you taking drinking out of the equasion he is the perfect man.

I just want to clarify that this is not frequently happening in front of my kids,

Those boys of mine are absaloutly amazing I don't fear they'll grow up the same, if I thought that he'd not be allowed within a mile of them, that one time was the only time they've seen him like that and they came to the conclusion themselves the was just too drunk.

I'm just really sad as everything else is so good, by no means perfect but defiantly good

I agree it's worse, I also have no idea why he would choose to put us in this position

He's an alcoholic op and it already is affecting your kids.

There is no shame in being divorced twice. There is more shame staying to be honest. You already think he'd choose alcohol over you, to be honest that's all you need to know.

Time to make plans to leave.

, just out of interest what makes you think he won't attend??

I guess because people tend to attend when their are suffering as a result of their alcoholism and they desperately want WANT to stop
Is they have hit the floor and realise they can’t go on and want support

He doesn’t sound like he has even one iota of concern , as the pain is all
On you

You and your DC suffer the consequences of his drinking, he doesn't. He won't stop as there are no reasons to. You put up with it.

My DF is like this. Always was. A good man but a horrible drunk. Became too much for my Mum in the end and she did leave him when we were in our teens

Ultimatums were issued but he never stuck to them

It has definitely caused long term damage to his relationships with all of us, his children. Every time he gets drunk, he is awful. Sarcastic and mean. We avoid these situations at all costs

I don't envy you OP. But don't stay with this man unless he vows to change and then sticks to it. Your life will be hell

If he would choose alcohol over you then why would you choose him? Your dc witness his abuse. He can turn it off when he wants - your mums party - so it's not losing control when drunk he is choosing to treat you like this.

He knows how he treats you when drunk yet he still decides to drink.

If you discovered that you had been abusive when drunk would you continue to drink at all?

Value yourself more. You deserve better. Don't be scared of leaving a bad man.

Thank you all so much for your support and messages, after a very long and tiring day of talking and crying I have made the descion not to leave him, he has his faults but when sober is a great man.

However I have told him about my dream and what damage he is doing to me and potentially the boys, I have told him I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS and he has a choice he gets help or I am gone!!

Credit where credit is due, he has tipped 14 bottles of bud and 12 cans of darling don the drain and given a bottle of port to the next door neibough and contacted the AA local to us, he has made an appoint for a telephone interview thing to speak to someone tomorrow and they will advise him of what the best route is for him.

So again thank you, I read all of these comments to him and he didn't like that so many people thought I should leave him, I don't think it has ever really dawned on him that other people would disapprove of his behaviour, as we have always get this private, he has never had to deal with public shame, he has only ever had to deal with me.

Thanks again everyone xx

I'm glad he's taken you seriously and taken some steps already. Hopefully he sticks to it.
Good luck xx