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Original poster

He made a dodgy comment

59 replies

Sayasaya · 06/01/2020 01:16

Early days of seeing a new guy, I like him. He seems really decent and sounds like we have similar values. I was scrolling through social media and saw a comment an old friend had written about him a long time ago (probably when they were mid twenties so eight/nine years) which I really don’t like:

“Lol I’m listening to Matthew say to Brian 'You know what Brian, I'm not racist, in fact I love [insert race here] so much, I wish I could line them all up in order of darkness and have sex with the darkest first'. To which Brian responded 'Oh cool, kind of like a colour spectrum'

Mathew is the guy I am seeing, Brian is his friend who is of that race. The conversation has been documented on social media by a different friend. Wtf - I need to say something don’t I

OP posts:
Original poster
Sayasaya · 06/01/2020 02:42

He’s a banker

OP posts:
colourbynumbers · 06/01/2020 02:47

Sounds like banter between mates to me. "Brian" obviously wasn't offended and "Matthew" obviously isn't a racist.

Definitely not something to "feel sick" about OP!

People need to chill the fuck out.

Skippingabeat · 06/01/2020 03:12

I find that racist people are usually either super careful about what they say so that they don't sound racist, or are very obviously racist in what they say to people of that race and would not have them as friends (and vice versa!).

Matthew doesn't sound racist to me, it just sounds like other have said, banter between friends, which sounded funny to them years ago. I bet Brian had to Hong's to say to him as well.

theflushedzebra · 06/01/2020 03:35

As Brian is of that race, I would assume that was a very sarcastic joke between mates. He starts it off "I'm not racist...." - sounds like something Ricky Gervais would say tbh - friends joke together about stuff. Brian's reaction should tell you that.

If something had come up with him waving a Britain First flag, or saying "just voted for BNP" - you may have cause to worry.

MiniGuinness · 06/01/2020 03:43

I am not sure I understand. Friend 3 was relaying a conversation? How do you know it was actually said then?

AxeOfKindness · 06/01/2020 06:45

a) Are you sure this reported conversation actually happened?
b) Do you know the context, particularly given that this was apparently said to a friend (he still has?) who was of that race?
c) It was 9 years ago (which probably also affects a) and b) if nothing else)

Sure, ask him about it but I really wouldn't go in all guns blazing.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/01/2020 09:03

I've never made racist or misogynistic "jokes" in my life, so yes I would judge someone who did no matter how long ago. Those kind of viewpoints are ingrained into you and don't go away imo.

JesusMaryAndJosepheen · 06/01/2020 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/01/2020 09:07

And just because Brian wasn't offended doesn't mean somebody else wouldn't be. Brian doesn't speak for everyone of that race.

OneDay10 · 06/01/2020 09:09

People mature over a decade. Ridiculous to dump him based on that.

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 09:15

The fact the friend is of that race and the fact your partner didn't actually write the comment, would indicate to me there is some context missing here a joke of some form. I'd not bin but I'd ask the question. It's easy to jump to what could be a wrong conclusion here.

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2020 09:19

Gross but, not really a big deal. Not racist. Bit mysoginistic I guess but what college dude wasn't?

But why were you scrolling back nine years on his fb? Either you're a bit creepy yourself or he's given you reason to question him in some way already.

Loveablers · 06/01/2020 09:37

Please get rid of him

Mainly so that he can find someone who doesn’t punish him for a comment he made almost 10 years ago

You sure it was a “timehop” and you wasn’t just stalking? I mean why would anybody share this type of memory?

Wondersense · 06/01/2020 09:38

Here are the answers why he might gave said this -

A) He's racist. His racism comes out in 'humour' like this which is supposed to be all one bog joke bit is secretly a way for him to vent his race-related frustrations

or

B) He's one of those people who love trolling the crowd. They love saying things like this because they know it shocks people and it gets them attention. They're not really racist in opinion, but they're willing to say unpleasant things if it gets them the right reaction.

or

C) It's a form of macho behaviour. A sort of establishing of dominance between certain types of men (and your guy could be one of these guys). I've seen it before and it's sometimes cringeworthy. The type of men who do this regularly are often either insecure, dominant, or very competitive, or maybe a combination.They try to out-bloke the guy next to them by saying some thing offensive. The guy next to them can't react like he's offended in this situation because then he'll be seen to have 'lost' (hence why his friend didn't call him a dickhead and why he might even participate in this sort of behaviour himself). If he were to react to this sort of comment from Matthew, he'd be labelled as sensitive and someone who can't take a joke (God forbid because that would make him closer to be like a stero-typical woman for them). It's all about them. It's a sort of macho comfort blanket that makes them feel more secure.

Wondersense · 06/01/2020 09:43

I forgot -

D) He's not racist at all and this is known to all his friends. Therefore, it gives him license to say these sorts of things because everyone knows it's not true. Sort of like if a guy nicknamed his friend 'Fat Tom' when Tom is the most handsome, fittest guy in the whole group and everyone knows it.

Wondersense · 06/01/2020 09:45

Wish there was an edit button - sometimes people change a lot an he might have been quite immature for his age back then. He might look back at some of the things he's said and kick himself.

Muckycat · 06/01/2020 09:47

Out of interest, did he share the time hop or does it just come up on his feed? If he shared it, presumably aware of any implications of social media posts in a professional job and was still proud of this 'cutting edge bantz', it would seem a lot worse than if it had resurfaced without his knowing.

Regardless of whether there is some context (perhaps they were joking about someone else's vile comment or it is an in-joke that Brian started), it is beyond foolish and ignorant to have this still visible which I would find offputting. Sort of 'it is ok for me to say what I like publicly as I have a (whatever race) friend'.

If you're not sure about what to do, perhaps let him know the comment is there, and see what he says? If he is suitably mortified, explains the context then goes to remove it, perhaps he isn't as bad as all that. If he tries to laugh it off as 'Brian doesn't mind', then unfortunately I think you can do better.

LemonTT · 06/01/2020 09:54

He didn’t make a dodgy comment, it was attributed to him by your old friend. The old friend posted it. I would start there and ask why and what he or she thinks of it. It’s unlikely to be a verbatim quote. It’s quite a sinister thing to post unless you had malcontent or where very sick yourself.

But I would be creeped out by the OPs level of background stalking.

AmelieTaylor · 06/01/2020 09:59

Racist or not it’s just fucking grim.

But nope, I wouldn’t be crucifying someone over them saying that NINE years ago.

Mlou32 · 06/01/2020 10:27

Nearly 10 years is a long time and the acceptability of humour has changed since then. It seems like it's Frankie Boyle type humour - offensive and dark. However a joke nonetheless. I'm sure every single person on this thread, myself included, has said something at some point in their lives that could be deemed offensive.

Mlou32 · 06/01/2020 10:28

Maybe you should tell him all of this. Maybe he'll be the one who wants to end things with someone who gets offended at something they saw on social media from 9 years ago?

hellsbellsmelons · 06/01/2020 10:30

Brian is his friend who is of that race
So his best friend is 'that race'
Can't be that racist then can he???
It sounds bad but you don't know the context.
If he was saying to the person of 'that race' then it might be how they talk to each other.
Maybe Brian is 'racist' to Matthew in this way too?
It's a long time ago.
Talk to him about it first!!!

MamaKarmaLlama · 06/01/2020 10:40

That’s the problem with SM right there. It is a record of all your woes and undoing. Once it’s out there it can’t be taken back. Everything is recorded and remembered. I would confront him about it but then you have to fess up to online stalking him....

ChristmasFluff · 06/01/2020 10:53

Interesting to contrast these responses with those to a lady who was wondering should she dump her boyfriend who had chosen (5 months into their relationship) to reveal his conviction for manslaughter a similar amount of time ago. He was also someone the Police suspected of murder, although he denied it.

There were just as many defenders of him, if not more. I think I'd be more willing to give someone a chance over a dodgy social media post. But if he is still racist and misogynist, he's a definite no.

Forewarned is forearmed - you can now put out feelers for his opinions on race and women. And be watching for other indicators - he won't be able to hide either for long from a person who is looking for them. But you can certainly grow out of such views.

Opentooffers · 06/01/2020 11:06

If you think how he is now matches your values, I'd say that is a better measure. You are likely more wary of him now so should be able to pick up on any racist or mysoginistic opinions he may still have. Probably better so sound him out by asking in general terms than show him you've been stalking him on Facebook.