Being the family scapegoat and caring for an ill parent

[24hoursofsun]

My head is an absolute mess right now and I really need a bit of help to understand what to do. I have 2 brothers. We are all 3 now jointly caring for our very ill DF. At every turn, no matter what I do, they criticise and complain about me and it’s really taking a toll.

Growing up, I was always the ‘other’ child. My brothers were gorgeous, precocious and doted oh. For example, they would get new clothes because ‘at least they look cute’. Or I would often be excluded from fun activities for being ‘too old’. As an example, my whole family went to watch Disney on Ice when I was 11, but I wasn’t bought a ticket as I was ‘too old’. As the eldest, I had to take a lot of responsibility to keep them entertained, stop them fighting, help with homework, prep their clothes, plan their parties etc. I was punished constantly, much more than them. Once, when my aunt challenged my DM on this, DM said in front of me ‘they are so adorable I can’t bring myself to punish them, but I can certainly punish her’. In fairness, they were both extraordinarily cute kids and I was extremely awkward.

Over time this led to a dynamic where I was very bossy with them. From my point of view, any toe out of line led to punishments for me, so I worked hard to make everything right. From their POV I was an insufferable know it all.

Due to the immense amount of criticism and pressure heaped on me, I worked incredibly hard to ‘achieve’ in ways my parents valued. I got myself an outwardly perfect little family, a ‘high flying career’ which I loathe, a house etc. Every ‘achievement’ placated my parents for a while but increased my brothers’ resentment.

Now we are caring for DF and I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I do anything, I’m ‘controlling’ and bossy and they both get together and yell at me. If I don’t, either it just won’t get done or I’m not picking up enough slack.

As an example, DF needed an emergency dental appointment on a Friday. DB1 volunteered to book it. I explained the process and stepped away. Come 12 pm, no calls have been made. I panicked about the weekend coming up, called a bunch of local dentists and got an appointment that afternoon. DB1 abd DB2 proceeded to pile in about my ‘controlling’ ways.

Another example, my fathers medical team had asked us to be watchful for a specific symptom of deterioration. I Picked up DF from DB2’s house and I noticed the symptom. Asked DB2, who insisted it wasn’t there. Finally, I took a decision and called his doctors. Tests found that DF was deteriorating much faster than expected and needed medical intervention. DB1 and DB2 insist that the symptoms were unrelated, the deterioration was just a lucky catch and I was ‘controlling’ in ‘overruling’ DB2 and contacting the medical team.

We are now looking into medically assisted living facilities for DF. DB1 insisted he would ‘take the lead’ on Boxing Day. As yet, not a single viewing has been arranged. I’ve tried asking casually and was told to buzz off. I’ve tried setting aside time for a scheduled catch up about our options. Finally, today I searched some homes myself and showed a shortlist to DBs. I messaged them individually beforehand to ask if it was alright for me to search, as I had the day free. I’ve now had both of them yelling at me about being ‘interfering, controlling, dismissive’.

I just don’t know what to do. DF dotes on them both and won’t back me up. If I do anything they both pile on. DB1 is prone to massive yelling tantrums and DB2 interrogates Me aggressively. On most issues I back down, but I would hate myself if I knowingly allowed my DF to suffer or achieve a poorer outcome.

You do sound a bit controlling OP. If he says he's going to do something, let your brother do it and stop micro managing. Was the sky going to fall down if your father didn't have an immediate dental appointment?

I would work out a calendar where you take it in turns to see your dad. Have a Whatsapp group where people can volunteer to do which appointments. Divide chores and tell people not to shout at you. Perhaps share a calendar so people can put in what's happening when and who is doing it.

I understand how childhood habits kick in when we get together with our families and we fall into old patterns. It's easy to do but you're not a child anymore and you don't have to deal with crap. Don't let people shout at you or bully you. However, stop trying to control everything and perhaps people will back off.

Hi, 12345kbm, I hope this isn’t a drip feed, but it really was urgent. Without going into too much detail, my DF was scheduled to start chemo within the next week, had appointments for other tests on other days and we were advised by his nurse that the appointment had to be completed x number of days before treatment to allow the subsequent anti biotic course to finish.

I completely understand what you mean about childhood patterns. With the stakes so high, I can leave them to tasks but I find it really hard not to step in once they start becoming time critical. But that’s exactly what my DBS are expecting me to do. I am really struggling to break the cycle.

It's very, very difficult if not impossible to change the roles assigned to us in childhood, particularly if the roles is dysfunctional like the family scapegoat. You seem to have got into the groove of 'cleaning up' after your brothers when they don't step up and then being berated for it which can't feel great for you.

What do you want to do? If you feel unable to avoid 'overseeing' arrangements for your dad, you will continue to be berated for it by your brothers. It is possible they will find other ways to take their aggression out on you anyway. They are unlikely to change unless it's causing issues for them. Dumping the family 'bad' feelings on you is normal to them. And totally unacceptable.

I don't know what to advise you in this very testing time with your dad other than to echo the previous poster's advice to compartmentalise responsibilities.

However I would recommend that you consider any future relationship with your brothers once this situation has resolved. They sound awful.

Dacquoise, thank you for your reply. I feel bad, because I do understand that each of us is the product of our childhood, rather than my brothers being ‘bad’. When times are good, we get along well but when things go bad I feel like they close ranks and ‘turn’ on me.

They definitely use me to dump their feelings on. Another example is we were all at DB1s house a few weeks ago. On Sunday night we were meant to have dinner together and then leave for our own homes. It got later and later with no meal shopped for or prepped. I didn’t say anything as didn’t want to be called ‘controlling’. The same situation had occurred before and I’d ordered a takeaway, making DB1 angry. DB2 got hungrier. Finally, I suggested pasta. DB1 started prepping. Again, I didn’t want to interfere so went and sat with my dad. An hour later DB1 and DB2 burst in, accusing me of being ‘dismissive’ for not helping. But had I helped I would have been ‘controlling’

You seem to have internalised the message from your family that you are 'controlling' . That's not what I am seeing here. If your brother's stepped up when required your 'interference' wouldn't be needed. It's almost as if they are setting you up to vent on. It's quite bizarre. Has anyone in your own family noticed?

If this situation arises again, ie like the food thing, are you able to make your exit so you are not available as a target? I would be inclined to avoid situations that are 'no win' for you. You aren't someone's emotional punchbag and this must be taking quite a toll on your mental health.

Out of interest, how have your brothers fared in life? Are they married, have children, own their homes, good jobs?

I agree with Dac - I have just been through all this with my family - my Mother passed away in Nov but prior to that I faced serious criticism for not doing enough and other things and when i did try and do things I was wrong had incorrect info according to them or intergerering and leave it to them - then criticised for not being involved or doing enough. Be aware much of this is stress related on THEIR part - I would continue as is and bat back - well if I had seen any evidence of x I wouldn't have picked it up, whats important here is Dad and his health not your ego.

I called family a day after I arrived to provide care and let them know about a deteriation I felt I saw - was critised that weekend but actually Mum died on the Friday following - I just knew it was time don't ask me how and I had all the family there Sun. In the end I was right but I can't ever say anything to them even though they were massively pissed off with me at the time and let me know that

It's almost as if they are setting you up to vent on
I don’t think they do it conciously, but I feel like I’m the safety net they resent. As another example, they would both leave projects to the last minute. DM would insist the night before a deadline that it was my responsibility the work was completed. They would go to sleep and I would end up doing the homework myself. This turned into a running family joke that I’m so controlling I even have to do others’ homework myself.

@RB68 I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you can take comfort in the fact you pushed for what you thought was right.

They both also resent the fact I take ‘unilateral’ decisions. So with the assisted living facilities, we had agreed on x criteria. As I searched, I realised X was not widely available so I also contacted facilities without X as a back up. This was held up as an example of acting dismissively and unilaterally, even though I just gathered info and presented it to them to make a joint decision.

Perhaps set your father up in assisted living and step away. You cannot win. But you will have your father safe. Try and make the place you try to be set up so he can stay there as long as possible so that he doesn’t need moving to a care home in 6 months time for example.

As your father favours your brothers, the other option is to just step away and let them deal with everything. You don’t sound controlling. Your parents set you up to be the scapegoat and your brothers are continuing the pattern, clearly with your father’s consent.

TBH I'd step right back - right the way back.

Go quiet on your brothers; don't text, call or email them. Visit your Dad separately. Step away from the caring responsibilities and leave them to manage the decisions themselves.

You cannot change their behaviour; but you can change the way that you react and respond. Have you been for counselling? If not then I'd recommend it to help you make peace with these childhood dynamics and so that you can start living your life for you, rather than to achieve some arbitrary standards to impress your parents.

If I were you I'd step back big-time, let the chips fall. Deal separately with your own anxiety and need for control.

OP you are important and you matter. It sounds as if your DFs illness is forcing you to spend more time with your DBs than is good for you. In the case of the non appearing meal, I would just have gone home when no dinner appeared. Your DM used you badly when you were young and you do not have to continue to be the scapegoat now.

Do your share for your DF but step back from tasks that others are meant to be taking on. I know it will be extremely hard and may indeed compromise your DFs care but you cannot continue to repeat this childhood dynamic without impacting on your own mental and physical health.

It's easy to say it when you're not involved and I know this must be so difficult for you.

@Dacquoise they haven’t fared very well on a traditional scale, one works, one is married but doesn’t work, no homeowners etc but are happy, healthy, smart, popular and loved by my parents

Thabk you everyone for your advice and I hate to be that OP who ignores unanimous advice but I would feel so guilty stepping away from my DFs care. I would be so upset if I felt he wasn’t getting looked after. I think I need to learn to improve the dynamic with my brother or learn not to care about the smaller things with DF.

As another example, DFs condition has also led to cognitive impairment. Recently he had a surgical procedure, DBs were in hospital with him after he came out. He refused his pain meds and they didn’t reason with him at all. By the time I got there in the evening DF was almost faint from excruciating pain. He couldn’t move or sleep. I asked him why he was rejecting the meds and explained the dosage to him, he took the painkillers. I’m just worried he will suffer, even if it’s just short term, if I don’t keep an eye on him.

Let him suffer.
Sounds horrid but it’s your parents that have set up this narrative.
Your brothers sound horrible.
I wouldn’t hold back.

Is your DM still alive? What part if so does she play, fair and supportive of all or no change to previous dynamic?

OP, kindly, you have internalized the messages you were given. Everybody does. The idea that you're "dismissive" because you let two grown men prepare a bowl of pasta should actually be funny.

You were brought up to make excuses for them. It is utterly abhorrent and unjustifiable to punish one child because she's not cute or is awkward.

You have led your life to gain approval from people who, for their own inadequacies (NOT yours), don't care. Even now, your father is setting you up against your brothers. Even now.

In all the situations you've described, there's a disconnect between the behavior towards you and any parental responsibility for it. Your father has treated you horribly. He made that choice. He did not - and does not - see you the same way as his other two DC, but you have been so deeply conditioned to seek his approval, and approval more generally, that you believe you need to be a "good" daughter.

You don't need to be good. You already are and you always have been. His - or anybody else's, even the voice in your head's! - approval doesn't make you that. You are a good person.

Treat yourself with kindness here. Personally I hate that sentence, but it's fitting in these circumstances. Your father has three children. He has treated you all in the ways he chose to. You are not obliged to do everything for him. Or for your brothers. Sit down with yourself and look at what needs doing. Divide it into thirds. Take one third AT MOST and tell your brothers from now on you will do these things for him, and so you don't irritate them with being controlling, you will entirely leave the rest to them. And then completely step back from those things. If your father suffers, then to be frank, that's the bed he's made for himself. YOU have suffered. A LOT. When you were vulnerable, when you needed looking after, you were actively treated badly. This is not revenge, you're not treating him badly, you're divvying up the work. You will do your bit. But you need to be looking after yourself first in this situation, because not one of them considers you an equal, and never has.

You are just as important as them. You are a good person. The approval of your father, brothers or yourself is irrelevant to your actual worth and goodness. You are not obliged to save every situation or the three of them. You are not responsible for every aspect of your father's care. Take the action to treat yourself equally to them because ultimately, if you don't, you will continue to suffer and there's not one reason in the world why you should.

Your mother was vile and abusive. I agree with pp that you need counselling pronto. You need to stop feeling like all the bucks stop with you. I also agree with pp that you need to step back from you fathers care. I would even suggest a week away to reset. Let your brothers pick up the slack. Out of interest is there a will and do you have any idea how things are split? I just wondered if your DBs are just staying close for that reason.

Your parents treated you appalling. As a grown woman, don't you see this? Why can you not take a step back and leave them to it? Your father does not deserve your kindness.

You are treating your brothers like children, they are grown men. You cannot win with your family and this is not an healthy dynamic for any of you.

It must be extremely distressing for you, I would recommend you detach yourself. If I had family who treated me/made me feel like shit then i would go low contact.

I would be telling your brothers to grow up and start taking responsibility. They can’t have it both ways. Give them specific examples where you have backed off to let them do something and the consequences if you hadn’t stepped in.

Your dm sounds horrific, is she still alive?

I’ve been in a similar dynamic and situation so big hug to you. Even when I went into hospital myself (having tried a monthlong handover) neglect of my parent’s care was somehow my fault.

I agree it’s the wrong time to address it fully but how about some repetitive rebuffs? Anything about care ‘DF needs to be the priority here’ anything else, stay out of it and try ‘I’m not being the scapegoat for that actually’. Don’t change your phrase, don’t explain and don’t engage.
Have a look at stately homes thread and grey rock.

I’m sorry your father is so ill and I hope you have someone to lean on. x

I’m so sorry to hear this. Another eldest child here from a dysfunctional family and I recognise a lot of the dynamic. There’s something about everyone treating you with contempt just because that’s what they’ve always done. They won’t change.

I’ve gone NC with my parents and LC with siblings (who have become a little better with time) as a result. I’m still sad about it. They were never going to see me as me, as a human being in her own right with thoughts and wishes and achievements and passions, just as some figure to be both leaned on and made fun of.

Your thoughts and feelings matter. Step back. If your DF’s care is compromised as a result that’s his own fault. And if you take yourself out of the picture for a while you might well find that actually your DBs and others step up and things work just fine. I found this in a similar situation where my DM was very ill; I drove myself near to breakdown trying to sort care for her while she was utterly uncooperative and the family nuts, and when I’d had enough and stepped back, somehow it all worked just fine anyway. So all I’d been doing was driving myself into an early grave, not helping her at all.

You don’t need to prove anything to them. You don’t need to prove you’re a good girl, or the perfect daughter. You’re allowed to recognize that their view of you is skewed and they’re not willing to change that for their own reasons, and to concentrate instead on your own life and the people who build you up rather than tearing you down. You matter too. In fact, you matter just as much as they do. Just as much as your DF does. Why are you discounting your own suffering in this? Be as kind to yourself as you’re trying to be to your DF and family, and see where that takes you.

Hi @24hoursofsun, you are perfectly entitled to make your own judgements about this situation and I can understand your sense of duty to your dad, particularly at this difficult time.

However, for your own sake and future mental health, it may be useful to you to consider the dynamics that are going on here. Some counselling to support you may be very useful as this must be causing you some distress.

From what you have told us your family dynamic appears to be:

• two younger brothers that weren't disciplined as children because they were 'too cute'. So they have never suffered the consequences of their behaviour and are still being doted on by your remaining parent?

• you as the oldest child were designated as responsible for getting things done in your family, including your brother's homework (totally unreasonable), and for taking the consequences if this wasn't done. You criticise yourself as being 'bossy' for doing as your parent's requested.

• you as the oldest child were effectively designated as a mini adult at the age of 11 because you were 'too old' to enjoy family outings so you missed out on trips like the Disney on ice.

From what I can see you have been made both the 'parent' in your family and the scapegoat that accepts the consequences of your brother's inadequacies and that is still happening. This is not fair, it's not healthy and it's a type of ABUSE Op. I have put that in capitals as you don't seem able to criticise your brothers and parents. I can understand that. It's part of being conditioned in a narcissistic family.

From what you have said there wasn't any parental hierarchy in your family. There were no boundaries. Your parents effectively checked out of their role and responsibilities and handed them to you.

You were valued for being a 'parent' to your brothers, not for yourself, and little empathy was shown about your own needs as a child. Your parents valued your brothers as the 'golden children' although your aunt could see what was happening. It was a shame she wasn't more forceful on your behalf.

You have been pitted against your brothers by trying to 'parent' them and are now subject to their abuse when they feel criticised. You have given examples of their behaviour, when they have dragged their feet on agreements with you and you have stepped in. I can totally understand why you have the need to do this and don't think you need to continue to see yourself as the 'bossy' one. Only toddlers and teenagers throw tantrums because they feel criticised. As an outsider I cringe at their unreasonable behaviour towards you.

I hope you are able to get through this difficult time but I hope, even more, that you can get some perspective on this dynamic. As other have said, the Stately Homes thread is a good start. Perhaps read up on narcissistic families. You really don't deserve to be treated this way.