My head is an absolute mess right now and I really need a bit of help to understand what to do. I have 2 brothers. We are all 3 now jointly caring for our very ill DF. At every turn, no matter what I do, they criticise and complain about me and it’s really taking a toll.
Growing up, I was always the ‘other’ child. My brothers were gorgeous, precocious and doted oh. For example, they would get new clothes because ‘at least they look cute’. Or I would often be excluded from fun activities for being ‘too old’. As an example, my whole family went to watch Disney on Ice when I was 11, but I wasn’t bought a ticket as I was ‘too old’. As the eldest, I had to take a lot of responsibility to keep them entertained, stop them fighting, help with homework, prep their clothes, plan their parties etc. I was punished constantly, much more than them. Once, when my aunt challenged my DM on this, DM said in front of me ‘they are so adorable I can’t bring myself to punish them, but I can certainly punish her’. In fairness, they were both extraordinarily cute kids and I was extremely awkward.
Over time this led to a dynamic where I was very bossy with them. From my point of view, any toe out of line led to punishments for me, so I worked hard to make everything right. From their POV I was an insufferable know it all.
Due to the immense amount of criticism and pressure heaped on me, I worked incredibly hard to ‘achieve’ in ways my parents valued. I got myself an outwardly perfect little family, a ‘high flying career’ which I loathe, a house etc. Every ‘achievement’ placated my parents for a while but increased my brothers’ resentment.
Now we are caring for DF and I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I do anything, I’m ‘controlling’ and bossy and they both get together and yell at me. If I don’t, either it just won’t get done or I’m not picking up enough slack.
As an example, DF needed an emergency dental appointment on a Friday. DB1 volunteered to book it. I explained the process and stepped away. Come 12 pm, no calls have been made. I panicked about the weekend coming up, called a bunch of local dentists and got an appointment that afternoon. DB1 abd DB2 proceeded to pile in about my ‘controlling’ ways.
Another example, my fathers medical team had asked us to be watchful for a specific symptom of deterioration. I Picked up DF from DB2’s house and I noticed the symptom. Asked DB2, who insisted it wasn’t there. Finally, I took a decision and called his doctors. Tests found that DF was deteriorating much faster than expected and needed medical intervention. DB1 and DB2 insist that the symptoms were unrelated, the deterioration was just a lucky catch and I was ‘controlling’ in ‘overruling’ DB2 and contacting the medical team.
We are now looking into medically assisted living facilities for DF. DB1 insisted he would ‘take the lead’ on Boxing Day. As yet, not a single viewing has been arranged. I’ve tried asking casually and was told to buzz off. I’ve tried setting aside time for a scheduled catch up about our options. Finally, today I searched some homes myself and showed a shortlist to DBs. I messaged them individually beforehand to ask if it was alright for me to search, as I had the day free. I’ve now had both of them yelling at me about being ‘interfering, controlling, dismissive’.
I just don’t know what to do. DF dotes on them both and won’t back me up. If I do anything they both pile on. DB1 is prone to massive yelling tantrums and DB2 interrogates Me aggressively. On most issues I back down, but I would hate myself if I knowingly allowed my DF to suffer or achieve a poorer outcome.