Forever alone

[Winterwonderland10]

It's been over 3 years now and I'm still single. Dated men in that time and all been disasters. I'm having counselling atm to work on me and I know my parents relationship has effected me in the sense that I'm copying it and picking familiar situations. So I normally end up with abusive men or men who have no respect.

I just want to find someone nice. I've changed so much from when I was with my DS dad. I'm much stronger, have better confidence. I don't stand for men disrespecting me and know my worth now. However I just feel I'm never going to meet anyone.

Tried OLD, most men are creeps or after one thing on their. I've been out with friends to concerts/pubs never end up striking up conversations. I'm pretty shy too which doesn't help so I wouldn't dare go up to someone first.

Atm I just feel a bit sad that I'm going through life without that special someone. Am I going to be forever alone? How can I bump my chances up of meeting someone?

You sound bubbly and ready to take life on so I very very much doubt you'll be alone forever! It takes time sweetheart....just keep being you, stay happy and you will meet someone in time. Bit cliche but maybe join a gym....its often a good way to meet people I've found xx

Also been on my own for over three years I've met lots of men just not the right one for me like you I'm holding out for someone who is capable and willing to give me the relationship I want and I'm refusing to get sucked into relationships and situations that aren't what I want this time around! Stay positive , 2020 could be the year everything falls into place for both of us !

Thanks @mamato3lads . Last time I met someone at the gym I had to get the police involved for harassment so I've definetly been put off meeting someone there.

@stillsexystillsingle yes exactly. I'm not falling to any old relationship just because I want one. I hope 2020 is our year! Just don't know how to expand my chances of meeting someone

Why not come and join us on Dating thread 179 - am I doing it right?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3785656-Dating-thread-179-am-I-doing-it-right

Thank you I'll have a read through

Not really any advice but I know how you feel, online dating is full of dodgy sorts, occasionally you get a good needle in a haystack. Have you ever tried speed dating ?

@trinity20 yes tried that 18 months ago. It was awful! I have seen a local event thing which looks good but I think the fee for each event is £40!

Three years? That all? Try coming up to 10 and not had a date in 8. I've a friend who is coming up to 13 years single, although she has had dates on that time but only three that went beyond a second date but all ended around three month mark. We're 45 and 42 respectively.

It's been three and a half years for me and I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of men trying to take advantage all the time and not just sexually for example I'm in the middle of a neighbor dispute right now with someone who thinks he can just come and park his car on my driveway I bet if there was a man in the house he would never have dared. Things like that. Still maybe 2020 will be the year I meet someone, or the year something happens with someone I've already met, I hope so!

I've been single for a year and a half and prior to that for three years. I feel like I should be more worried about being alone than I am. I love men but they're so bloody annoying. I'm enjoying the break from it all. I'm delighted not to have every film I watch interrupted, and to have my bathroom out of action for hours. I'm relived not to have to listen to boring work stories and to negotiate other people's children and ex wives. I miss good sex but that's literally all.
And not enough to have to go to sit in a pub and make small talk for hours to get some either, before you suggest it 😂. I'm just suiting myself and it's bloody great.

Some people are just destined to be single.
And some people always need to be in relationships.
It's a shame that there's so many insecure needy people because if they weren't insecure and needy they would probably be single. So it's almost like what's the point of a relationship if it's just to avoid being on your own. I bet there's not that big a percentage of people, that are in relationships because they genuinely met somebody fell head over heels and did it the Organic way.
No rushing into it. No settling etc

I mean they would be single for much longer and only get into a long term relationship that is 90% perfect and absolutely the right kind of person for them. Dont just say yes to someone that is ok and available.

stay happy and you will meet someone in time

No...not always. It really pisses me off when people say this. Stop it.

OP...... OLD is utterly grim which can make our r'ship status feel even worse with that constant cycle of possibility then disappointment. You need to make peace with the fact that you may NOT meet someone. Until you do then you are in for a whole world of hurt as you pursue more and more avenues of meeting men in the hope The One materialises. It can be soul destroying. Ive been there myself.

Absolutely agree when you observe some couples relationships it is absolutely heartbreaking the way one treats the other sometimes, or they both treat each other, and these are people who are supposed to love each other, no, that's not love, and it's not something I would want to be involved in myself

WhatshouldIdo Well said. That sort of cliche needs consigning to the bin because it really doesn't help. It's like when people say "when you stop looking, it'll happen". Yes, because if you want a new job, you don't ever look for one, do you? You just don't look and eventually one will fall into your lap. Same with wanting a new house, you sit back and wait for one to come to you.

I think most of us who are long term single can say "we've tried OLD and nothing" and "we've tried the not looking, just getting on with life and nothing". Because a huge part of it is LUCK.

Thanks everyone shatner agree with the luck! You have to be in the right place at the right time under the right conditions.
Also agree with PP about settling and alot more people would be single if they weren't scared of being alone.

I'm not scared of being alone just a little company now and then would be nice. A little hug or affection is what I miss most I think.

It also grates me the "stop looking and you'll find someone" or "you have to be happy with yourself first". I am happy with the person I am. I know what I like and dislike and I now know what I will say no to in a relationship. Which I guess wittles down my numbers but as PP said I want it to be natural and not be with someone for the sake of it.

I’m five years single but two years online dating, during which time I’ve had maybe 12 first dates, six of which went further as friends with benefits - I don’t want someone living here, full stop. There are extraordinary creeps out there but they can be weeded out, I’ve met some really nice men and had a good time. Maybe worth a try, with your hand held by the folk on the dating thread?

Sounds like you worked on your self esteem etc to break the cycle of abusive men, that is great.

Potential partners can come along at any point but I think that there are definite stages of ages that make it easier and if your not in one it’s harder. There will always be outliers and exceptions to the rule obviously. How old are you op?

Shared passions are great but the problem is and I have seen and heard many times people saying try park run or a sport or hobby to meet people and I agree to an extent. But if you are just doing it and it’s not genuine then chatting about certain running shoes or apps you use to monitor heart beat, distance, and your new breathable running top may seem exceptionally dull. That shared passion isn’t a real one.

Do you have any genuine passions even if currently unfulfilled due to time, childcare and financial constraints?

@ShatnersWig Yes, because if you want a new job, you don't ever look for one, do you? You just don't look and eventually one will fall into your lap. Same with wanting a new house, you sit back and wait for one to come to you.

XD

I think what people mean by this is that for some people, the time when they finally feel comfortable being alone and independent is the time when they become less needy. Some people might not present themselves very well when they go looking for someone. Then might come across needy or say the wrong thing, but I thought your point was well made. I think most well-adjusted people maximise their chances of meetings someone when they make the effort.

The majority of my clever, self-sufficient female friends are in the same boat.

My last two friends to get properly loved up had to go abroad - one with an American she met through work, and one with a Dane who literally just moved to London. Maybe stand at Arrivals at Heathrow and watch for single men?

@tigerdater I'm not sold on OLD I honestly get so many creeps and if I do get anyone they want one thing.

Thanks @msmellivora. I agree there are better points in your life to find someone and mine isn't one of them. I'm almost 30 now and most people i know around my age are settling down e.g. marriage/family so that leaves either younger men which wouldn't work or men late 30s+ and they prob have been divorced or never married/Had kids.
My passions and hobbies don't have males there. They are dancing and crocheting. I tried park run and I hated it.

@breakfastpizza yes 😂 I'll stand with a board in departures saying single men

I also agree that whilst it's surely meant with good intentions, "you'll meet someone when you stop looking." isn't necessarily helpful. You can still meet someone when you weren't necessarily looking and come across as needy.

"You need to love yourself first." There are tons of people in relationships who are insecure and lacking in confidence, and there are tons of single people who are very confident.

I do Parkrun and the fit men always finish it in about 16-17 minutes and then bugger off, whilst i'm 10 minutes behind them !

You’re only 29! I thought you were closer to 59 the way you’re writing!

None of us are sold on OLD OP, it’s just a means to an end. And there are some decent people on the apps - like me and yiu, for instance! Also, while people may be looking for ‘one thing’ at first on OLD, that can and does turn into something more if you give it a chance.