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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone explain if I have created criminal offence against DH?

42 replies

anlon17 · 05/01/2020 17:30

I reported an incident to police where an argument between us had escalated. A few weeks later we had another row and this time he was menacingly angry. So I had to call 999. Also I was very scared so talked to the police about a time when he had pushed me. It was not anything major.

Police cautioned him and asked him to stay in a hotel that night which he did.

However, now I don't know if this has been logged as a criminal offence against him as I don't want it to escalate it to that level. The reason being he is due to apply for his permanent residency in the UK and I am pretty sure it would affect his application. I did not realise the ramifications of it.

Our children would be devastated if they can't see their dad. We are in the process of separating.

Would anyone know what am I supposed to do. Can I retract it? The PC was saying that my record is different from the first time around hence they will have to investigate.

I am looking to speak with a lawyer tomorrow. Any one with some legal knowledge about this?

OP posts:

PPopsicle · 05/01/2020 17:31

No legal knowledge whatsoever but I do have a fair dose on common sense.

Why on earth are you trying to support and back a man who is abusive towards you? And why even more so do you want an abusive man involved in your children’s life?

A criminal record would be the best thing for him.

WhoWants2Know · 05/01/2020 17:52

If he actually signed and accepted a caution, then yes, it will be on his criminal record and no, you can't take it back.

Scarsthelot · 05/01/2020 17:55

If he accepted a caution it's on his record.

Either you are minimising his behaviour or calling the police when arguing, when you dont need to.

WheresMyChocolate · 05/01/2020 17:58

Why are you trying to clean up the mess made by an abuser? Let him feel the full consequence of his actions.

ohwheniknow · 05/01/2020 17:59

Your children will be devastated if they can't see their violent, abusive dad?

Better than being traumatised by his abuse.

lilmishap · 05/01/2020 18:07

he is due to apply for his permanent residency in the UK and I am pretty sure it would affect his application. I did not realise the ramifications of it

He should have thought of that before getting nasty.

Lailaha · 05/01/2020 18:11

If he was cautioned, as your OP says, then this is a formal process and leaves a record - there's nothing you can do to stop this or get the police to retract it.

It may not have any impact on ILR (unfortunately).

Dyrne · 05/01/2020 18:16

Please don’t take this responsibility on yourself - if it has messed up his chances at residency then the fault lies with him for being the abuser, not you for (quite rightly) reporting him to make yourself safe.

Well done for separating from him - I would recommend doing the Freedom programme so you can rid yourself of these sorts of thoughts.

CatintheFireplace · 05/01/2020 18:19

Do you men that they issued him a caution (i.e. he admitted the offence and agreed to take one) or that they read the police caution to him ("you do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence...")

Hanab · 05/01/2020 18:19

Stop feeling guilty!

Did he feel guilty when he scared you or out his hands on you?

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/01/2020 18:24

he is due to apply for his permanent residency in the UK and I am pretty sure it would affect his application.

Well I bloody hope it does. We’ve got enough home grown abusers without importing more.

Topseyt · 05/01/2020 18:24

Don't feel guilty. He clearly didn't. He is an abuser, so why are you so keen to have him in your lives. You and your children would be better off without him.

So what if it affects his residency application! Serves him bloody well right.

BallacheForLife · 05/01/2020 18:27

Yes his own actions may have an impact on his residency application but that's his own fault isn't it?!
Why do you still want him around your children?

Embracelife · 05/01/2020 18:27

Your children can go visit dad in his home country if he doesn't get residency
If he is violent best limit time with him anyway
He should have thought before bring aggressive
Not your issue
Well done for reporting him

Greysparkles · 05/01/2020 18:31

Erm... Maybe he should of thought of the ramifications before before a nasty prick

ltk · 05/01/2020 18:32

Think this through: you need to be honest and stick to the account you gave to the police. It is damned hard to prove abuse and harder to get it taken seriously. You do not want to start looking unreliable and lying and retracting statements. What happens next time he hurts or threatens you, when you need the police and the courts to believe you??

Soontobe60 · 05/01/2020 18:35

I'm fairly certain that the incident will also have been reported to Social Services as you have children. They will also investigate, and if you feed them the line of not wanting it to go further, you could end up with your dc being placed on the child protection register.
DV is incredibly damaging for children. Do not minimise this. Your partner will be dealt with appropriately, and if he is then removed from the country then so be it. You could always go and live in his home country with him, but I doubt you'll want to do that.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/01/2020 18:37

Hopefully it has given him a criminal record and does affect his application.

At least your kids won't need to be around an abuser then.

Spitsandspots · 05/01/2020 18:41

he was menacingly angry. So I had to call 999

Then you shouldn’t want to retract it. If you were scared enough to call police then it’s only right his character is judged in relation to an application for permanent residency.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2020 18:41

Well I bloody hope it does. We’ve got enough home grown abusers without importing more.

Agreed.. I'm speechless reading OP's post FFS.....

ElluesPichulobu · 05/01/2020 18:48

don't change your story with the police - you would end up being prosecuted for wasting police time and perverting the course of justice.

if you decide to lie to protect him, whilst separating from him, you are deliberately putting the next woman to be deceived by him at risk - he will be abusive again in his next relationship.

if he doesn't get the right to reside here he can still Skype the kids, and when they are old enough they can choose to visit him in his own country. it would not be your fault.

Kaykay066 · 05/01/2020 18:52

Perhaps he should have thought of that before commenting these offences eh?
He deserves what he gets and yes not nice for your children but at the same time they will be spared an abusive and violent parent. They shouldn’t be witnessing or listening to their dad threatening or pushing their mother sorry if that’s harsh but your sole job is to protect them from now on, you aren’t responsible for his actions or the consequences of those actions.

dontgobaconmyheart · 05/01/2020 18:56

Hopefully it will quite rightly affect his application OP, why on earth are you supporting a man who abuses you.

You've done the right thing to have reported him OP, if he did not want to have a criminal record etc HE is the one who should not have committed violence and abuse in the home he shares with children. You need to think about how on earth it would be the right thing to do to protect and lie for(illegally) a man like this. The upset of your DC will be his fault and his fault alone and they should not be witness to abuse in their home. As others have pointed out I would be very careful siding with him, social services will not view it forgivingly. Lying to the police may land you with your own caution.

Of course this is daunting OP but remember how frightened you were and remember it is not for you to cover up for a violent man who doesn't care about his family to the extent he is happy to do this to them. I would if I were you call Womens aid on their phone number and talk this over.

Mlou32 · 05/01/2020 18:57

So he's an abusive man, has been violent with you, possibly just using you as a way to get a visa to live in the country and you're biggest worry is to try and protect him from trouble so that he gets his precious visa?

I couldn't give a damn if I get flamed for saying that, I think you need a dose of reality/common sense here OP.

HarrietThePi · 05/01/2020 19:04

Op, I don't know if he will have offence on his record or not (I hope he does). But to answer your question: Can someone explain if I have created criminal offence against DH?

I can tell you the answer is no you definitely didn't. He did. In the same way if he'd done an armed robbery on a shop and been done for armed robbery it wouldn't be the shopkeepers fault or responsibility if reporting it lead to the conviction. The responsibility is on him for committing a crime. It might not seem that straightforward to you, but in reality he's responsible for his actions and you did the right thing.

As for your DC, if he doesn't get permanent residency firstly, to repeat: that's his doing, not yours. Secondly, they may be sad in the short term but long term is it really in their best interests to have an abusive man in their lives? As someone who grew up in a home with an abusive father I can tell you the answer is no. Whether he is abusive to them or "only" to you, it's still no.

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