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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone explain if I have created criminal offence against DH?

42 replies

anlon17 · 05/01/2020 17:30

I reported an incident to police where an argument between us had escalated. A few weeks later we had another row and this time he was menacingly angry. So I had to call 999. Also I was very scared so talked to the police about a time when he had pushed me. It was not anything major.

Police cautioned him and asked him to stay in a hotel that night which he did.

However, now I don't know if this has been logged as a criminal offence against him as I don't want it to escalate it to that level. The reason being he is due to apply for his permanent residency in the UK and I am pretty sure it would affect his application. I did not realise the ramifications of it.

Our children would be devastated if they can't see their dad. We are in the process of separating.

Would anyone know what am I supposed to do. Can I retract it? The PC was saying that my record is different from the first time around hence they will have to investigate.

I am looking to speak with a lawyer tomorrow. Any one with some legal knowledge about this?

OP posts:

Lougle · 05/01/2020 19:10

Are you regretting it because of potential consequences, or regretting it because you feel you over-reacted? The fact that you are describing his behaviour as 'menacingly angry' after all this time suggests that he really was angry enough that you were in fear? If you had over-reacted, you probably would have described it as 'I was scared at the time, but looking back he wasn't really causing a problem...'

I think you need to spend some time thinking about what you want your next year, 3 years, 5 years to look like. This man is hurting you.

chipstickgirl · 05/01/2020 19:17

The law changed a number of years ago so that the crown can now prosecute somebody for domestic violence whether the victim wants to or not. The reason for this is that the majority of victims were retracting their claim, either through fear of repercussions, guilt or the hope things would improve.

If it gets to the stage where somebody is so scared they have to call the police, that is not a normal argument in a loving relationship and it's highly likely it will happen again. Unfortunately abusers rarely stop.

A recent example being Caroline Flack - despite him calling the police, he now wants to retract but the crown are prosecuting her.

You are doing absolutely the right thing in separating; remind yourself how you felt when you called the police whenever you feel guilty. I bet he won't feel an ounce of guilt for making you feel like that...you are worth so much more x

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2020 19:35

OP is your Husband putting pressure on you to refute the allegations ... now realising the consequences of HIS actions ?? Does he understand that it's the CPS that pursue.. not you ?

Original poster

anlon17 · 05/01/2020 20:06

You are all right. I think it's the context that I am struggling with. He is very good with the kids and they adore him.
I feel he has an undiagnosed mental health issue. Cause he flips suddenly. That's been playing on mind too.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2020 20:29

I feel he has an undiagnosed mental health issue. Cause he flips suddenly.

He might just be a bullying prick too OP.

Sillyscrabblegames · 05/01/2020 20:35

Aggression and violence against you is also damaging to the children regardless of how much they dote on him. Being keen for his attention and presence is not the same as feeling safe and stable and balanced I'm afraid however much you try and convince yourself otherwise. N
The police can take action against him without your support. This is because abused women often back out or change their story-that doesn't mean they are not abused, it's just a symptom of abuse.
You have no guilt, he made his own trouble.
It is not in your hands and it is all his responsibility.

cabbageking · 05/01/2020 20:40

If it was an official Police Caution he must has admitted the offence and signed the paperwork.

You can't get a Police caution unless you admit the offence to stop further action being taken.

If he was cautioned as in don't do this or else then it is not an official Police caution.

Unless he agreed and signed paperwork or went to court and was found guilty then he can not have a criminal record.

EsmeSwan · 05/01/2020 20:57

Oh OP, perhaps he should of thought about his actions leading up to this and treat you better. It's of his own doing, not yours.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/01/2020 21:08

Flipping suddenly is what people who know they can get away with behaving angrily, in the company of those around them, do. V normal for people who believe they hold power.

Does he 'flip suddenly' when at work, with groups of men?

ballsdeep · 05/01/2020 21:10

Please don't blame mental health card on his abuse. Some people are just nasty, violent picks

PPopsicle · 05/01/2020 21:12

Mental health issues?
Or he’s just an absolute knob.

madcatladyforever · 05/01/2020 21:29

Sorry OP but tough shit. If he wants residency then he shouldn't commit acts of violence against women.
Your only loyalty is to yourself and the children and keeping yourself safe.

Original poster

anlon17 · 05/01/2020 22:06

I needed to hear this. Thank you all. I know you are all correct and being objective. I will focus on the practicalities of separation and let him handle his own stuff about residency.

OP posts:

Dyrne · 06/01/2020 07:14

I’m glad you’re seeing the light now, OP, and focusing on the separation.

As PP have said, is it only you he “flips” with? And he is not a “doting” father to his children if he is threatening their mother to the point where she feels police involvement is needed.

Equanimitas · 06/01/2020 07:34

He isn't good with the kids if he is being aggressive and violent towards their mother. I'm glad you accept that and problems he has with his residency application are entirely of his own making and not for you to remedy.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 06/01/2020 07:42

Children are often extra loving and attached to abusive, frightening parents, because it's an attempt to protect themselves and "manage" the abusive behaviour.

Don't mistake this defence mechanism for him "being a great father" or it being "too upsetting" for them not to see him every day.

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/01/2020 12:35

Ok so either what happened was as you say and if that is the case then you have no reasons to feel bad. You will be protecting yourself and kids and maybe some other unfortunate person in the future.
Or
You actually purposely and maliciously made reports about him to the police for your own vindictive purposes and now both he and the kids will suffer, in which case you should be ashamed and admit this as it will cause endless suffering for both him and the kids.

Only you know which is actually true.

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