Does anyone else want their ex back? What should I do? Please help

[justtheother]

So do I want my ex back?

In July last year my wife and I split amicably after a 20y marriage. We were childhood sweethearts.

We split because of her repeatedly cheating on me. For a long time she was seeing her boss at work and the other time she was seeing her best mates husband.

Since the split we tried to remain friends because we have two daughters aged 20 and 13.

We were texting regularly and spoke on the phone occasionally.

I have told her that I would love it if she came back, but she is being really hard to read. Sometimes I think she may consider giving it another go, but I also know she has been going on dates.

But I have been missing her really badly. My two therapist both tell me that I should just let her go. They tell me that I was treated really bad in the relationship and that I deserve to be happy. They tell me that I was being strung along in the relationship and that I would only be mistreated again if I go back. I am also told that I keep making excuses up for my ex wife cheating on me and there should be no excuse for being cheated on. The thing is, I understand why my ex felt the need to cheat. She was struggling with things and I think she was confused. I still think she loved me.....I think. And I also think she is a good person.

But here's the problem, I still miss her so much and would love to try to work our problems out.

But my therapists have told me to go no contact with her. They have said that I need to get over her and the way to do this is by going full no contact for the foreseeable future.

But this is heartbreaking.

Has anyone else gone no contact on an ex that they really miss? Should I be chasing someone who repeatedly cheated on me? Has anyone else had to end it with their partner for infidelity, but then still really misses that person?

Should I do what the therapists both tell me and go no contact to get over her?

Unfortunately, we tend to remember what we thought our relationship was and what the person was. But people change and sadly your wife has - she wants other people.

You need to go no contact. Trying to convince her to come home may lead to her cheating again (I still think once a cheat, always a cheat applies to most). Begging adds no value to you as a person and she has already been underestimating your value by cheating.

No contact will allow you to move on, which is what you need to do. Improve your life, work out, get new hobbies, buy new clothes - make yourself look and feel good. This isn't to attract her back, but if that's what gives you the motivation to improve, go with it. Once your life feels more fulfilled, you'll feel much happier and might've met someone else - who knows?

It's going to take a long time to get over but do you really want someone who treats you like that? In time, you'll see the situation for what it really is and feel happy that you moved on.

Go no contact.

Theres no excuse for cheating. Even she does come back shes capable of doing it again and there will be trust issues. If she truly loved you she wouldnt put the relationship at risk

Theres some really helpful videos on YouTube from relationship coaches. I found they helped when i went through my break up

Focus on yourself. Let her miss you and feel bad. If you keep going to her she will have the upper hand. When you feel better id recommend even going on dates yourself..life needs to go on

It will get better. Hope you will be ok

Don't go back to her unless you like being cheated on. How much more evidence do you need that she's a serial cheat.

With her constant infidelity, do you even know for sure that your daughters are biologically yours.

Some sound advice so far.

Moving on from an ex you loved for so long is really hard.

Do you have a relationship yourself OP? Or started dating?

Hi @justtheother, what has struck me from your post is that you have been advised by your therapists to have no contact with your former wife. Presumably because you have told them about her character and behaviours.

Yet you seem to be craving a relationship with someone that must have hurt you very badly. Betrayal, humiliation, lies, deception, disrespect, aggression are some of the thoughts and feelings that come to my mind. Also your ex-wife has cheated with her best friends husband which is quite a ruthless thing to do to someone who is a good friend. You seem a bit addicted to her and perhaps this is where your recovery lies.

I can understand that your self esteem has taken a battering, particularly as this is your first and only relationship? It's very easy to be conditioned by others dysfunctional behaviour. Sometimes you don't even realise how bad it is for you until you have had time away and distance from it. That's certainly what happened to me in my marriage. I came away with Stockholm syndrome, felt very disloyal even vocalising criticism of my ex husband because of the conditioning. I now see what an emotionally abusive nasty person he is and what he did to me.

It's early days for you Op. Perhaps some more therapy and start making an independent life for yourself. Take up some interests, challenge yourself. Start dating if you feel able.

You may find that life is better without your ex wife. Not all women are like her. Cheating is not loving, caring behaviour. You deserve better.

Get out there and meet new people, even if not actually dating. That will open your eyes to the fact that there are other good women who wouldn't treat you badly. She, quite frankly, treated you like shit.

You need to widen your viewpoint. You are much too narrowly focused on her. If you are the decent bloke you seem you'll not want for company from single women.

If you are not fully, legally divorced from her that should be your immediate focus.

Apologies from those of us with matched chromosomes.

I must be wired differently, because I couldn't love someone who treated me like crap.

Repeated infidelity is abuse and I don't enjoy being abused.

It just makes you seem needy and desperate to be even considering getting back with someone who has so little respect for you.

Listen to your therapists.

Are you the poster from earlier in the week who has a live in gf? ... and that invited the ex for Christmas and then had a meltdown with crying and vomiting when she left to go on a date?

Many of the details seem the same.

If it is you then you need to let the ex go ... and I thought you had resolved to treat your gf with more respect?

I kept pushing for a relationship with someone who didn't want one with me and all it brought me was unhappiness. You don't need her. She doesn't want you. Go no contact and although it will take time you will eventually move on.

You do need to go no contact and take time out from her.

It will take a long time but I had an ex I missed and struggled to get over and loved for a good 3 years after we broke up and I had to cut contact we actually hung out about 6 years post relationship and I totally realised he was not for me.

We talk from time to time now and I don’t want him at all, I still care for him and realise that his crazy when we were to get her was actually because he has mental health issues but at the same time his personality is toxic for a relationship. You ex wife is toxic and she is not in love with you... please take time out and heal and find out who you are x

@ Lunde I think you are right and this is the same poster about the Christmas ordeal and poor gf that he lives with

My advice would be to remind yourself of how you get the exact moment you realised she was seeing her boss/ friends husband and keep reminding yourself of that gut-wrenching feeling every time you want to get back together.

Don’t go back to someone who can hurt you so. Horrifically and also her best friend!

To those asking if I've posted on this subject before the answer is no.

Opinion seems to be to just let my ex go. I know my ex my sound like she's done bad things to me but she was a good person and a brilliant mother.

Funny enough both therapists tell me I've suffered a form of emotional abuse for the past 10 years. But it's hard to believe that, i don't feel a victim.

But I've not ever dated another woman. I met my ex at 18 and was with her ever since. The thought of dating now seems terrifying. I've only slept with 2 women in my entire life

But she wasn't a good person to you, now was she?

The thought of dating now seems terrifying. I've only slept with 2 women in my entire life

That's why I suggested just getting out and meeting people even if not dating. As to your lack of experience, it really won't matter if you find the right woman.

Emotional abuse is insidious. It creeps up on you and becomes normal. If you don't feel abused but your therapists are telling you you were then you probably haven't accepted it and started the process of recovery. Continuing to contact your abuser will not be helpful to you.

Making a new life and starting again is hard when you are pining for your old life. It takes courage. Change is difficult but it is possible. You need to work on your esteem and self confidence. Do things that make you happy. Concentrate on yourself. Find things to distract you.

I got together with my ex 5 years ago, his wife had repeatedly cheated on him over more than 25 years. I was uncertain in the beginning as I thought he wasn’t over her but he assured me he was. 4 years down the line he dumped me as not over her, he said I was brilliant but not her! He’s now a sad lonely getting older man who has to holiday and socialise alone. Don’t be that person.

was a good person and a brilliant mother.

Key word is was. She is not a good person now if she treats others this way and brilliant mother is debatable depending on the kind of role model you want for your kids.

I think you need to work on you so you can realise you deserve better than being treated like that.

She sounds vile.

It is very hard getting over your ex especially if that is the only relationship you have ever had. How will no contact work when you have children, one of whom is only 13? Would you not need to make arrangements? Unless there is someone who is happy to do this on your behalf perhaps?
Your ex wife has treated you very badly and you may miss her and miss the positive aspects of your relationship but..... you deserve better.

I guess I don't really need any contact at all even with the kids as they are old enough to communicate directly without the need for mum.

My ex wife was the only relationship I've ever had, so the prospect of getting back out there is a long way off at the moment.

Considering I'm no way near over my ex i think it would be unfair to start a new relationship

Two therapists?
How come you have two therapists?

Well why dont you get back with her and say that you’ll accept an open relationship?
That way she can shag who she likes

I am joking btw. Move on and cut her out... i couldn’t share oxygen with someone who was happy shagging their best mates partner let alone a bed.

And I also think she is a good person - i good decent person does not shag their best friend husband or cheat on their partner (not once but twice)!

You are fixated on the person you want her to be not the person she actually is. There is NO excuse for cheating.

I agree go no contact and move on.

Are you missing her or are you missing having someone?. Finding yourself suddenly single can be very upset for some people.

I'm sorry, but she is not a good person. She had treated you appallingly. I agree with your therapists.

@DioneTheDiabolistione

The reason for the two therapists was i couldn't believe the first one was telling me i was a victim of emotional abuse and to move on.... so i got the opinion of a totally independent second highly qualified psychologist who told me the same thing.