Starting again at 60 (again...)

[FlowerArranger]

Following on from my (deleted) thread... I would like to thank all those who responded. I've taken the advice on board - which wasn't difficult as my rational mind already knew that staying with my narcissistic husband isn't a realistic proposition. Severing the emotional connection and investment is altogether more difficult. But I hope I'll get there.
In practical terms I know what to do. I am fortunate in that I have an independent income and am able to live comfortably. All our property and assets are either jointly owned or in my name only. Neither him nor I are in a hurry to divorce. Nevertheless I have already spoken to a solicitor and will seek further legal advice.
Also, despite living abroad for many years I have maintained connections with at least a dozen friends. And I quite like my own company. I have a wide range of interests and won't be miserable or stuck for things to fill my days. However........., what I'm struggling with are the emotional difficulties of being single again. I have been with my husband all my adult life. I literally have no experience of being on my own. It just feels so odd and unnatural.
I've never been with another man and feel totally unprepared for modern dating. Not that I'm in a rush, but I expect I will want male company at some point. I dipped in and out of some of the dating threads on here and it appears totally scary!
Sorry, I seem to have written another novel. I'm not even sure what I'm asking, other than what's in the title. I guess it's the emotional reality of being without my 'mate' that I'm struggling with. I find myself in a strange, alien landscape and I need a roadmap and a compass!

Sorry about lack of paragraphs. You have no idea how much trouble I had to get this to post!

When I say "I literally have no experience of being on my own", I actually mean I have no experience of being without HIM...

Get yourself settled in your new place and just take it slow. Establish some kind of routine in your life whether it is meeting up with friends or doing something you enjoy or volunteer at. Try some solo holidays perhaps if that appeals to you . A friend of mine has done 3 and loves them . Have a look at Meet Up .com to see what is going on in your local area. DO GET DIVORCED ! Don't linger in that Limbo Land. In time you may feel like dating . Don't take the dating thread on here as being typical . I know many people ( myself included ) who have met several normal men online. ( Maybe it is an age thing ) My timeline was 3 years alone and then I met my new H.

Thanks, Penguin. I am already doing these things. During my nearly 20 year exile I would come back to London 3-4 times a year. I have a small but long-standing circle of friends. I am a member of several Meetup groups. I go out somewhere or other almost every single day. I certainly plan to start volunteering (which I did whilst abroad as well).

I'm financially savvy and have engaged lawyers in both countries to ensure that I won't be shafted.

Dating is not a priority right now. But I'm glad that there are 'normal' men out there who might be interested in a fit and healthy lady who is not in the first flush of youth...

What I am struggling with is the emotional aspects of having to sever ties with the man I have been since I went up to uni. We are talking about 40+ years of being with someone who, until about a dozen years ago, always seemed to have my back. He is part of the fabric of my life. We have adult DCs and it won't be possible to cut him out of my life completely.

I guess what I'm asking is: how do I acquire the kind of emotional armour to be able to (a) move on and lead a satisfying life (i.e. not just keeping busy and doing stuff, even if they are satisfying in their own right), and (b) protect myself from his (potential) attempts to 'hoover' me back in? This is about more than stop being codependent. To put it another way: how do I become myself?

I hope I am making sense...

Just resurrecting my thread as it somehow sunk like a stone the first time I posted

I'm struggling with the emotional difficulties of being single again. I have been with my narc husband all my adult life. I literally have no experience of being on my own. It just feels so odd and unnatural. I'm afraid that he is just biding his time before he'll try to hoover me back in. And I feel I'll equipped to resist.

I'm also wondering whether I need to get back in the saddle and start dating. I've never been with another man - maybe I simply need to get over this hurdle? However, I feel totally unprepared for modern dating. Any suggestions welcome - but remember I'm 60...

I'm 60. So what? I, and, you really are just the people we always were. The advice here, and I'm sure it's right, is not to rush into dating. Spend time living with yourself, finding what you like to do. I certainly wouldn't venture into the world of apps etc. However, if you give out single vibes I suspect men will notice wherever you are, with friends or volunteering. Personally I would respond favourably to it and chat to a few men.

Learn to be happy on your own first without having to be with a man. Why do you feel you need one?

I’ve been on my own for 7 years now - yes, it takes a bit of adjustment but I don’t need or want a man. I’m quite happy on my own! After my experiences you’d probably understand why!

I have a pony, 11 guinea-pigs, 2 dogs, a 17 year old daughter and a full-time job. I paint, I do gardening for others at the weekend to earn extra money (to pay all the vets bills!) I couldn’t fit a man into that even if I wanted to.

Now is the time to do all the things that make you happy! Be selfish! Learn a new hobby, travel, indulge yourself. You only live once.

Take time out for yourself, do not rush anything. It is true that being single as opposed to a couple takes time to re-adjust and to lose all those habitual behaviours you subconsciously did when in a couple.
A little introspection wouldn't go amiss with help of a therapist to establish your SELF again.
Definitely get divorced and have a clean break.
Date and have fun when you're ready.
FWIW 60 is the new 40. It's buzzing out there :)

I was on my own late 40s after what was a 15 year relationship that was probably quite controlling- although I didn't realise how much when I was in it.

I turned my new single life into an opportunity to find out who I was, to decide who and what I liked, what I thought about things, what I liked/disliked to do etc. It was hard going at times but it also exciting and a journey of discovery. Be kind to yourself. It's your life and we only get one life.

If he tries to hoover you up, as you say, have a plan ready with some strategies worked out in advance. You will be a different stronger person and will be able to deal with him

Been on my own for 16 years and am in my 60s. I really couldn't be bothered with a relationship again - I just like doing what I like when I want.

I have sometimes thought I might like a sort of semi-detached relationship where I might see someone a couple of times a week, but I never want to live with someone again and certainly wouldn't ever re-marry. However I can't want it very much can I, as I haven't bothered doing anything about it.

You might well feel the same, but either way I would give it a good while.

BTW I am 64.

Thank you all for your responses. I am indeed busy rebuilding my single life. I'm having a great time reconnecting with my friends, making new friends, and going places.

What I am struggling with is severing the emotional connection with my husband. I'm not sure I'll be strong enough anytime soon to resist his potential attempts to hoover me back in. 40+ years in codependence with a narcissist is a very long time!

I'm not sure I really want to date, but I'm hoping that doing so might get me out of this codependent mindset. He is the only man I've ever been with, and I fear that if his pretend kindness and assurances of love etc might be too hard for me to resist.

@FlowerArranger 40 years is a long time but 60 is still young if you are fit and healthy.
It is fab you have sorted out the practical side but agree that the emotional stuff is actually harder.
It is natural that you want to replicate a long term relationship if that is all you have known, and may feel like if you dont strike out soon it will be too late but while you are still fragile it could make you very vulnerable.
I agree that divorce would make it final so you can move on. Most men in my experience, especially narc ones will be needing to fill that gap, so you may have to deal with him getting a new partner in the future. Divorce would make that a cleaner break.
Also you need to be ready for dating. Although exciting, you may need a thicker skin than you got now to navigate the good ones.
I am not being negative but there are men single out there like your ex or looking for women with independent means. Are you ready to weed them out?
I agree that meeting new people as friends may be better as you vulnerable right now.
When I left my ex, I found the need to replace that. I ended up having a rebound and got quite hurt as I was not ready.
Although 10 years younger than you I was still mature with grown up kids.
After that I went off travelling for a year mainly Ashram healing places but once I felt more like my old self, I went on fun themed holidays.
I am now remarried ( recently) to a wonderful guy but it took a lot of healing to get there. As you will too! Enjoy your new status but take care

It is natural that you want to replicate a long term relationship if that is all you have known, and may feel like if you dont strike out soon it will be too late but while you are still fragile it could make you very vulnerable.

@Mintypylons... I absolutely agree that I am vulnerable and perhaps not ready for dating because I might be taken advantage of. I'm not actually looking for a serious, long-term relationship though.

The reason I feel I need to date is the fact that I am still emotionally tied to my husband. I feel I absolutely need to sever that connection, in order to protect myself - because I know from past experience that he WILL try to hoover me back in, and I am at a great risk of caving in. Since he is all I've ever known, I'm thinking that getting together with someone else might be essential to sever that almost visceral connection.

So....... what are everyone's tips re. OLD, so my vulnerability is not obvious and I am able to weed out the frogs and make myself attractive to the princes

I get your point but you need to sever that connection with time and limited contact ( as far as possible) with your ex.
Dating will not fix all of that.
If anything is going to send you running back to the familiar ex is awkard dates, navigating single ( or not!) men with their own baggage and issues.
If its just flirting,sex and attention any OLD site will provide that but its not the cure for how you are feeling. But I am sure others will be along to assist you with your aim but hold your boundaries in a new casual relationship and be careful.

I did old to help me break away - my tip is to have fun!

Do not accept anything at face value, always pay 50/50, public places etc. The normal advice.

Use a paid for site as it is more selective. I found it took be a few dates to get used to it (27 years with ex prior). After 4 months I met someone special but wasn't expecting it so quickly, you just never know. I did see maybe a dozen guys before I met him

Having left a controlling man who was, at best charismatic, intelligent, witty, kind and thoughtful and, at worst into gestures, overbearing, jealous, resentful and sulky. It's very easy to get caught up by similar characters because in contrast everything else seems wish washy and lacking in colour - but you don't want that again. I know that I still have a soft spot for eccentric OTT men but I don't seek to have relationships with them now I'm older and wiser (I hope) I learnt the hard way. I'm now married to someone I met through OLD who was very different to my usual norm, he holds many of my values and we have a similar upbringing. He brings out different aspects of my personality to my exH.

Perhaps you need to meet men who are very different to your ex who you may not usually consider in normal circumstances, but your normal hasn't worked out well for your so it's a good time to reflect review revise etc on your normal and be open to different types of men. Some of this will happen as you take on new opportunities and revive forgotten old ones

Just echoing be careful. Being “determined” to have a relationship with a man can create “out of the frying pan into the fire” scenarios. There are I’m sure some lovely men at 60 out there, but there are some real weirdos on OLD. Even the ones who look OK and seem OK on the surface, professional types blah blah.

Spkg from experience.

Also, if you don’t feel strong enough to get away from someone who is currently harming you, how will you be strong enough to choose “right” this time OP? Worth bearing that in mind if you decide to go looking online...

Wouldn't you be better addressing co-dependency with counselling/therapy than with dating? You're far more likely to attract another narc man than to find a healthy relationship when you're still in recovery. Spend a year on your own, work on your boundaries, do the Freedom programme. Another man is not a cure for what ails you.

@category12 I have been in therapy for a while and my boundaries are getting stronger all the time.

I'm intrigued by the Freedom programme though, as I see it mentioned a lot here - but I thought this was aimed at women who are being abused?

I haven't followed your threads, but I thought since you're describing a relationship with a narcissist that there was emotional abuse?

I believe he is what is known as a covert narcissist. He has no diagnosis, but he himself described himself as cold and rational. He is extremely intelligent and an expert at weaving webs which make me doubt myself.

He can be/seem very kind and considerate. For most of our very long marriage he was emotionally unavailable rather than emotionally abusive. The latter was only apparent in the last 3-4 years, in the aftermath of a brief affair. He minimized his relationship with the OW and gaslighted me to the extent that, until everything blew up a couple of months ago, I still considered him my best friend.

@category12 I may perhaps have benefited from the Freedom programme in the past few years, but I'm not sure I need it now?

What I am struggling with is severing the emotional connection with my husband

I was married for a lifetime and it has taken me 7 years to disconnect from my husband but truth be told there is still a very small part of me that is still attached. However, I now feel ready to see about a divorce.

Actually, when I read your opening post I thought one of my friends had started a thread asking advice for a friend.

We could be the same woman.