Starting again at 60 (again...)

[FlowerArranger]

Following on from my (deleted) thread... I would like to thank all those who responded. I've taken the advice on board - which wasn't difficult as my rational mind already knew that staying with my narcissistic husband isn't a realistic proposition. Severing the emotional connection and investment is altogether more difficult. But I hope I'll get there.
In practical terms I know what to do. I am fortunate in that I have an independent income and am able to live comfortably. All our property and assets are either jointly owned or in my name only. Neither him nor I are in a hurry to divorce. Nevertheless I have already spoken to a solicitor and will seek further legal advice.
Also, despite living abroad for many years I have maintained connections with at least a dozen friends. And I quite like my own company. I have a wide range of interests and won't be miserable or stuck for things to fill my days. However........., what I'm struggling with are the emotional difficulties of being single again. I have been with my husband all my adult life. I literally have no experience of being on my own. It just feels so odd and unnatural.
I've never been with another man and feel totally unprepared for modern dating. Not that I'm in a rush, but I expect I will want male company at some point. I dipped in and out of some of the dating threads on here and it appears totally scary!
Sorry, I seem to have written another novel. I'm not even sure what I'm asking, other than what's in the title. I guess it's the emotional reality of being without my 'mate' that I'm struggling with. I find myself in a strange, alien landscape and I need a roadmap and a compass!

@nanamilly I guess our stories are not uncommon!

May I ask why did it take you 7 years to disconnect? What would you do differently with hindsight, and what ultimately worked best to help you disconnect. And how and why are you still attached to some degree?

Sorry, so many questions!!

@FlowerArranger, I am in a similar position to you, and of similar age. 12 months ago I would not have described myself as ‘emotionally abused’. 5 months separated, I can see that I have been for years. I joined my local Freedom Programme. I find it very helpful and supportive. The real life support of women who understand is invaluable. The content has made me think hard about what a ‘normal’ relationship looks like. My H shows covert narcissistic traits and is avoidant. This explains most of his past and recent behaviours. It is worth giving the programme a try (ideally in a group setting rather than online). I have learnt something new at every session.

Thanks @SuperbMonkey. I looked at the FP online and it didn't seem right for me, but I'll look for RL groups. That's probably what I need most of all - connecting with other women who've gone through similar experiences and emerged stronger at the end of it.

I would argue it's absolutely what you need, since you're thinking about dating. You need to be match-fit for dating, otherwise you'll find yourself picking what's familiar without realising it, and wind up with another narc.

I dont think dating is the answer at all. I dated 7 months after my exh dumped me, it was was too early as I wasnt ready for fresh emotional turmoil.

It just takes time. You need to learn independence and relying on yourself emotionally - you dont need him - he’s just a habit. Habits can be broken!

I’d try some counselling instead if I were you. I think you can manage very well without him, give yourself time

@FlowerArranger my DM divorced her nasty, emotionally abusive and narcissistic H at 60. She’s now 3 years down the line. She was as you describe yourself. Not really mourning the exH but the status of being married and probably the routine. She went out and looked for a replacement straight away as her confidence was at rock bottom due to ExH calling her old, fat and ugly. I did advise her against looking for a relationship but that’s all she knew so she did attempt to rush into one again but of course it didn’t work out the way she thought it would. She came to a stark realisation after councilling and many hours with me talking to her and now she’s settled with just having men around for fun (and to do odd jobs in the house for her). She moved house at the end of last year to a smaller place and she’s like a new woman. Happy, fulfilled, and relaxed.
You will get there and you will feel happy again. My advice is, don’t rush things. Dating is ok but don’t look for a relationship. Have some fun! Get out and enjoy yourself with friends etc. All will be well in time.

@Middersweekly Thank you for sharing your mum's experience - though mine is somewhat different. It's not that I miss the status of being married and the routine. My problem is that I fear not being strong enough to sever the very strong emotional connection to my husband. Plus he knows exactly how to play me!

But I'm getting there. I've seen a counselor regularly for several years. So far I've mostly been strong enough to maintain no contact and avoid pain shopping. I have a lovely flat, lots of interest and a very active social life.

Thanks everyone - I'll get there

Another man is not a cure for what ails you.

This. A million times this.

You need to find your internal strength to combat that draw back to him. Otherwise what's to say he couldn't click his fingers and get you back if you were with someone else anyway?

It took me a couple of years to get over my emotional connection to my ex husband; it took him at least twice as long to get over his connection to me even though he started dating within weeks of our split. Even though I initiated the split and I had lost all love and respect for him many years before that old habits die hard - I still found it difficult to treat him as an ‘outsider’ with no call on my time or emotional strength.

Over time, and by listening to wise friends saying ‘you don’t have to do that’, the ties loosened. So from my experience I’d say - think before you respond, examine your emotional response before you act, give it time, and give yourself a break - it may take quite a bit of time to happen.

Sounds like you are doing really well.

I've lived alone a long time now and though I found it hard to start with I now wouldn't want to share my home with anyone.

One thing that helped me is trying to be aware every time I did something he wouldn't have 'approved' of. Whether that was staying in bed an extra hour or getting up and doing the ironing in the middle of the night (that doesn't happen any more - I iron nothing now).

Buying myself a treat, wearing a colour or style he didn't like; paying to have my nails done - literally anything however small. At night, before going to sleep, I would go through all the things that I (couldn't) wouldn't have done before.

It really helped to reinforce how much better I am on my own. I still feel thankful for my freedom to do what I want when I want many years later and these days I don't even feel the guilt that I did for the first few years.

I iron nothing now...

Oh yes!!