Complete lack of confidence and self-esteem

[rosebouquets]

I have posted this in relationships as I think all the issues I will be discussing stem from my childhood and how I was raised.

I am 23 and living at home after uni. I am supposed to be applying for graduate schemes and/or PhDs but I am completely paralysed with fear of rejection and a complete lack of confidence.

My Dad is narcissistic, at least that is what I am 95% sure he is. He is and was very checked out of family life. When he was with us he would be angry at us all the time if we did anything wrong and would threaten to leave, actually leave or tell us the stress of the way we were acting would give him a heart attack - all to scare us into being quiet and behaving. His idea of "wrong" was anything that made noise whether that was my sisters arguing or us all laughing and joking around with each other.

I am struggling now that the stability of education is out of my life. I really struggle to put myself out there and so post-graduation I am really finding it difficult. I am terrified knowing I have to apply for jobs and PhDs and have people judging me and having to go for interviews. I have no self-confidence so feel completely unable to justify to an interviewer why I am the right candidate/student. I know logically I would be good as I did well at university and when I am put in situations I can handle them, it is just I struggle to voluntarily sign up for them. I feel like I really struggle with learned helplessness.

Everytime I spend time with friends I get this tiny spark of happiness by realising there is more to the World than I have experienced. They all have exciting new jobs or have just started their PhDs and seeing them so happy and fulfilled makes me think "I could do that too". Then I come home and start looking for vacancies and realise that I will have to overcome so many mental hurdles to apply that I just end up sinking into despair.

I just feel so heartbroken yet also angry at myself. At university I was a bright student yet I just feel like it is all a waste with my personality.

I also hate observing how I speak and act with people including my friends as I am so submissive and negative about myself. For example one of my friends asked me some questions about a topic I am really familiar with and wrote a distinction-level thesis about and I could barely answer her and just portrayed myself so negatively and unintelligently and I felt like I did a disservice to myself. That is just one example but I do it all the time. I am always self-depreciating. Once I told an honest yet self-deprecating story to my best friend maybe 10 years ago and twice recently it has been brought up in a subtle way by her younger brother meaning it is something that she has told her family and they have mocked about for 10 years and has become almost an inside family joke.

Sorry for the ramble. I just wanted to vent and would appreciate any and all advice you have.

Thank you.

I completely hear you! Self esteem is part of what I'm going to work on with a psychologist starting next week. I'd recommend therapy etc, and see your GP if you feel anxious or depressed in general. Hugs xxx

Hi Rosebouqets,
I feel your frustration, I suffer/have suffered with similar over the years. A bit of social anxiety a bit of low self esteem and confidence, a lot stemming from childhood.

Would you consider volunteering to get your confidence up with regards to going for jobs, it takes the pressure away but all good experience both for interviews and socially meeting new people ( and great on your cv)

Also I don't know if your local youth counselling covers your age group? Try and see someone to talk things over - it's good that you recognise your Dad's traits so you can hopefully work on how it's affected you- would you be able to talk things over with your sisters, maybe do some workshops or talks together? ( maybe something helping Confidence for women ?)

Was it quite a private story you shared? if so but if a crap mate to tell her brother/family and if he's mentioned it twice- Obviously makes himself feel better in some way to bring it up, you must make him feel inferior! ( or fancies you or just a bit thick and doesn't realise its offending you) (also everyone has their own shit they deal with don't let it bother you about the family having it as a joke)

Pleeeaase try and stop putting yourself down! You have worked your arse off in uni so now it's time to work your arse off on this part of you! Have a Google there's hopefully things in your areaal improve self esteem etc.

Apologies for the long post- Just a subject I connect with! Good luck! x

I was in the exact situation as you when I finished uni (nutty parent who crushes your self esteem included). I went to the careers centre to help perfect my CV and I studied interview technique books because I knew I would be feeling more confident if I was as prepared as I possibly could be. Guess what? I got the first job I applied for. Turns out that whilst my own parent didn’t value me, my workplace did. Good luck OP, I really remember the anxiety of that period of my life and I’m glad to be past it!

@Interestedwoman I think I should seriously consider therapy. I feel like since I realised about my Dad my whole childhood has been brought up. It is like waves, I remember and realise something and get upset, then process it and start feeling better and then the next day something else gets remembered and re-evaluated. I feel like my whole perspective is shifting day-by-day and it can be quite painful.

@4Bops Volunteering sounds like a good idea but I even feel not good enough for that. I really struggle to put myself out there as I just feel like a shell of a person with nothing to offer.

I will look into youth counselling but even that terrifies me as I really struggle to be vulnerable.

It was quite a personal story yes. I don't want to say the whole story as it would be too outing but it is about something that as a child (when they knew me) I had a fear of. The thing I had a fear of is now a joke in their family, e.g. they bought one of the brothers something related to it for their birthday as a joke. It is such a specific thing that I know it is related to me. Then about a year ago when I saw the whole family together the youngest brother mentioned them to me and was laughing and the rest of them looked embarrassed. I haven't talked about the thing I was scared of for like 10 years yet they have held onto it like a prized family memory. I'm not even scared of them now, it was when I was a child.

@MsPeachh Thank you for sharing that, it really helps hearing that your first interview went well. I think your technique on focussing on the aspects of the job application you can control like good prep is a good idea. I am just so scared.

Hi I totally get this. I was brought up privately educated and was expected to go to Oxbridge. I did manage that. But after graduation I really suffered terrible lack of direction and confidence. My mother was narcissistic and controlling. She wanted me to do a PhD. I didn't. But I started one and ended up clinically depressed. It was only through therapy that I came to realise how emotionally impoverished and corrupt our family life had been. Your father silenced you all through your childhood. Now you are trying to find your voice and the authentic you. It's hard. You sound highly intelligent. Take your time and find a good therapist. PM me if it helps.

Where's your mother in all of this?

You grew up living with domestic abuse. When you say you're living at home do you mean you're still living with your abuser and therefore still living with abuse?

Trauma therapy would be good for you. I'd also recommend the Freedom Programme so you can make sense of what you free up with and how it affected you. It has a section covering the impact on children, which will probably help a lot of things click for you.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

If you don't feel able to do the group course yet (tho I'd really recommend it for the support and extra information - they won't make you talk about yourself, you can just listen) you can do an online version of the course to start with.

I think first and foremost you need to find a way out of the house. Don't underestimate the influence of having a narcissist father on your will to make something of yourself.

I have one in the family too and am low contact with them. He certainly isn't as bad as the majority of them but still... I recognise that when ever I get excited for something, he has a habit of making me feel like it isn't worth doing or like it was his idea somehow - and then I no longer want to do it. ( I know some of them will flat out just tell you you aren't up to the task too).

I have never had ambition and think I tend to self sabotage, not because I don't think I am deserving but because that way at least I am in control. If I fall on my ass, I do So on my own choice rather than anyone making it so.

But when I keep my ambitions/hobbies ect to myself I find sometimes that I can nurture them. You won't find it easy to do that at home with him constantly watching.

Get a basic job, save up and get out. Get somewhere you can stand up without the fear of someone else knocking you down.

You need to do whatever you canto get put of that environment.

@Geppili Thank you for your reply. May I ask did you struggle with confidence when you were applying for your PhD and jobs after? If so, how did you manage it? You are correct in saying that it is trying to find your voice after having been silenced. It is so difficult.

My DM I think enabled my Dad when we were younger but now realises his behaviour and just ignores it. However she is busy with my sisters and working and I think is just too busy and stressed for me to tell her how I feel. I have always been the strong, good child who hasn't needed any help and just did what I was told.

@ohwheniknow Yes I still live with my parents. It has been so difficult, I only realised my family dynamic was bad and my childhood was bad and emotionally abusive (it is still hard for me to even write that) a few months ago and then only realised my Dad is narcissistic a couple of weeks ago so it has been a very steep learning curve.

I owe so much to the Stately Homes thread as being able to view my childhood with these fresh eyes has enabled me to have compassion for myself. I now understand why I am so shy and guarded and unconfident.

@Pinkbonbon I think you are right that moving out will be good for me. It is just hard when my confidence is just in shreds. To move out I need a job and I feel completely worthless so wouldn't feel like I would get hired anywhere. As a student I applied to work in Sainsbury's and got rejected.

💐 I had a similar experience and was very unconfident at University. Definitely seek counselling. Perhaps your University might have a counselling service that would help?

Natural confidence will come with age. In the meantime fake it until you make it.
Move out, get some counselling, if you can afford a life coach to help with your self esteem for a boost.
You've many great years ahead. If you've lived with your DF so long you can get through anything. Good luck.

Rose, I bet you are the eldest! I am. I think a previous poster makes a really important point about you still being in the abuse, because you are back home. After I graduated, I came back home to live and work. That is, after three years of uni, which weren't brilliant, but they were a space and time apart from my Family of origin. Then to return to the FOO was extremely triggering for me and I began to ruminate on the actual nature of the years of emotional abuse/neglect my sisters and I had endured. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do. I followed my mother's desires which were to pursue a glittering academic career. I became seriously ill, because I just acted out a part through all the applications and interviews. But inside I was TERRIFIED. My heart goes out to you. Don't rush to do anything but look after yourself and talk to people.

One issue I get is money. Therapy usually costs. I would consider talking to your GP. I think it is really vital for you to have talking therapy.

I know it sounds cheesy though try some self help methods from YouTube. Tips online on how to deal with a naracist, go grey rock.
You can't afford to move out till you have a job, leave it till last. Prioritise your list by going to university you'll be out of the house more, next a part time job, the house will only be a bed to crash on.
If you juggle it all at once it will be harder.
Take advantage of the roof over your head while you build your nest.

www.bpc.org.uk/find-a-therapist/arrange-an-assessment/reduced-fee-adults

@Tinselette1940 I have finished university now so would not be able to use their services. I know I should go to the GP and ask for a referral but I am so scared to. I have suppressed so much and have never spoken to anyone in real life about any of this.

@Emeraldshamrock Thank you for your reply. I definitely need to move out but it is just so hard.

@Geppili Yep, I am the eldest! How long did you spend at home after university? I am worried that you say that going into academia made you ill as that is what I plan to go into. I think mainly because academia is "safe" for me as it is all I have known as an adult. I had planned to have applied for PhDs already but I have been avoiding it because I am scared of being rejected from them and scared of doing the PhD.

@Emeraldshamrock I had a look at some techniques this afternoon after reading your post and will definitely be implementing them. I read somewhere about being able to leave a conversation if it is making you feel hurt and upset which I never really realised that is an option. I will also look on Youtube as you suggested. I have already been to university and have graduated, so I am at the point where I need to get a job or apply for PhDs and that is the stage I am stuck at.

Ah okay, I hadn't realised you'd left Uni. In that case please do go to your GP - my husband had some issues and he was referred to counselling. Even taking the first step empowers you.

As it happens both dh and I are in academia with PhDs, though I work in an academic related job now. It is a long hard road and you may not end up working as an academic. That's not to say "don't do it!" but you may need to be flexible about what you do later. Choosing a supportive supervisor is really important.

At least you are aware of the problem with your father and, with a supportive counsellor, you can work out ways of dealing with his behaviour. Well done on spotting the pattern of abusive behaviour. It wasn't until I had a child that I realised the extent of my parents' abusive behaviour. You've realised early.

Rose, I spent one year at home, the minimum possible. Then I got a PhD place and funding. I kept half praying to fail to get a place and/or funding. But, I became unhappy because I was only doing the PhD in order to fulfil a dream of narcissistic mother. It was a hard subject. I had wanted to do a PGCE, not definitely wanting to be a teacher, but as a way of studying to gain a professional teaching qual which I could always use. My mother HATED the thought of me doing a mere PGCE in English when I could be aiming for an classically ivory towered life in Ancient Greek research! The research time was also intensely lonely for me after a relatively social BA. It gave me lots of time and space to continue mentally breaking down. There is no rush for you. One of the best things I did in my year at home was to temp. I got a wide variety of jobs and enjoyed building my confidence. Keep posting! It can be devastating. I think maybe what is happening to you is that you are back home with formal education 'done' and you are being flooded by memories and realisations about what you experienced as a child. Perhaps you are seeing it happen again with your younger sisters? I know I did. That is extremely heavy psychological burden to carry and keep silent about for years. I found walking my beloved dog very therapeutic in my saddest times. I don't know if you can do that or find a friend to walk with. Tell us what makes you feel relaxed and confident and stuff your awful parents for a while.

Also please don't be scared to go to your GP. You need to establish support for yourself and prioritise health and self care. My pooch is looking at me reproachfully because he is overdue his walk!

@Tinselette1940 Thank you for your advice. I will definitely try and get the courage to go to my GP. I just feel like the flood gates will open as there is so much I have had bottled up.

@Geppili Yep, I am definitely being flooded with memories of my childhood. I don't really know what triggered it but I am grateful as, as painful as it has been, I do think it is therapeutic and healing. I also have a dog, well my parents do, she can join me on walks. That is a great suggestion, thank you :)

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The online course is £12. I have been meaning and needing to do this for years. If I do it, you can do it. Dog walked now DC to feed and love!

Aw OP I really feel for you. It sounds like you're putting yourself under so much pressure right now and also coming to realise a lot of painful things about your past.

I could have written your post 5 years ago. I had just finished my masters and was also starting to realise how abusive my parents had been to me. I was also putting loads of pressure on myself to get a job or get on a PhD programme but I just didn't feel capable or confident enough.

I'm now just finishing up my PhD and, on reflection, i can see that my main reason for doing it was to get my parents approval (NOT a good reason to do a PhD!) I dont regret doing it and I found some aspects enjoyable but as a PP mentioned, the isolation was hard for my mental health. I also regret living my life for someone else's approval if that makes sense? I have also had ALOT of therapy over the last 5 years to help me unpick my issues and be kinder to myself and I feel more at piece with things now. Because of that I have made the decision to leave academia and relax, enjoy life and pursue what interests me.

Like all the other posters have said, I would definitely recommend therapy, google low cost services in your area. It's tough but you will be able to take it at your own pace, build trust before becoming vulnerable. Self help books have also helped me, The Drama of Being a Child by Alice Miller and books on Complex PTSD (cant remember the authors name, maybe Peter Bradshaw??? but I'm sure of you google it you'll find the books I mean)

I would also add that I have taught a lot of undergrads whilst doing my PhD. Nearly ALL of them feel the way you do, stressed and anxious about the future, under huge pressure and not feeling good enough. Even the ones with supportive families are struggling with their mental health. The way you feel isnt your fault and your not alone, your generation came of age at a shitty shitty time for jobs and careers and as a result everyone feels like a failure. I hope that you can remind yourself so as to be less hard on yourself.

Whatever you end up doing, you can have a life that is happy and you can learn to care for yourself and surround yourself with people who love you. Things won't always be this way, they will get better.

Excuse terrible sp and grammar! Typing at speed and Auto correct!