Complete lack of confidence and self-esteem

[rosebouquets]

I have posted this in relationships as I think all the issues I will be discussing stem from my childhood and how I was raised.

I am 23 and living at home after uni. I am supposed to be applying for graduate schemes and/or PhDs but I am completely paralysed with fear of rejection and a complete lack of confidence.

My Dad is narcissistic, at least that is what I am 95% sure he is. He is and was very checked out of family life. When he was with us he would be angry at us all the time if we did anything wrong and would threaten to leave, actually leave or tell us the stress of the way we were acting would give him a heart attack - all to scare us into being quiet and behaving. His idea of "wrong" was anything that made noise whether that was my sisters arguing or us all laughing and joking around with each other.

I am struggling now that the stability of education is out of my life. I really struggle to put myself out there and so post-graduation I am really finding it difficult. I am terrified knowing I have to apply for jobs and PhDs and have people judging me and having to go for interviews. I have no self-confidence so feel completely unable to justify to an interviewer why I am the right candidate/student. I know logically I would be good as I did well at university and when I am put in situations I can handle them, it is just I struggle to voluntarily sign up for them. I feel like I really struggle with learned helplessness.

Everytime I spend time with friends I get this tiny spark of happiness by realising there is more to the World than I have experienced. They all have exciting new jobs or have just started their PhDs and seeing them so happy and fulfilled makes me think "I could do that too". Then I come home and start looking for vacancies and realise that I will have to overcome so many mental hurdles to apply that I just end up sinking into despair.

I just feel so heartbroken yet also angry at myself. At university I was a bright student yet I just feel like it is all a waste with my personality.

I also hate observing how I speak and act with people including my friends as I am so submissive and negative about myself. For example one of my friends asked me some questions about a topic I am really familiar with and wrote a distinction-level thesis about and I could barely answer her and just portrayed myself so negatively and unintelligently and I felt like I did a disservice to myself. That is just one example but I do it all the time. I am always self-depreciating. Once I told an honest yet self-deprecating story to my best friend maybe 10 years ago and twice recently it has been brought up in a subtle way by her younger brother meaning it is something that she has told her family and they have mocked about for 10 years and has become almost an inside family joke.

Sorry for the ramble. I just wanted to vent and would appreciate any and all advice you have.

Thank you.

Hi @rosebouquets, realising the dysfunction of your upbringing is the first step to recovery so you are already on your way. One of the best counter influences to a dysfunctional upbringing is to get out in the world and experience 'normal' relationships.

The suggestion to volunteer is a great one. It's something you can't 'fail' at and the interaction with others can only help your confidence. Have you thought about volunteering for a dog rescue charity? Fresh air is great therapy for mental health and dogs are natural friend magnets.

@Redyellowpink Thank you for your reply. Wow it seems like our situations were very similar before you started your PhD. May I ask how you managed to apply and get a place when you felt incapable and unconfident? Did you have any time off between finishing your master's and starting your PhD?

@Dacquoise Thank you for your reply. I will look into volunteering. I will also make sure I spend some time out of the house to have some time to breathe.

In terms of your PhD and personal/professional development, this maybe a useful site: www.vitae.ac.uk/researchers-professional-development/about-the-vitae-researcher-development-framework

May be, not maybe. Sorry!

Hi OP. Yes I had two years between Masters and PhD. I worked in a bunch of low paid jobs and took a long time to think about what I wanted to study at PhD level and write a proposal. All the while I was applying for other jobs and PhD places and getting rejected and feeling worse and worse about myself, feeling like a failure basically...but I got my break in the end. Like I said it's a tough and demoralising process applying for jobs but you have to have faith that things will change. Please be kind to yourself. Also, do you read this column? For some reason I think youd like it, it has helped me over the years www.thecut.com/tags/ask-polly/

@Tinselette1940 Thank you, I will check it out. :)

@Redyellowpink I had never heard of that column and just spent like two hours this afternoon reading some of the posts, it has been really helpful. Thank you for introducing me to it. :)

I'm so glad you like it

Also, feel free to DM me if you want any advice on PhD applications. I hope you're feeling better after creating this thread