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Original poster

What do u think of this - counselling related

29 replies

ThrownTrashReject · 04/01/2020 18:55

DH been back and forth over marriage for a year. I’ve been seeing a marriage counsellor alone and he agreed to go along to session on own, then to go as a couple. All sounds positive. However, he came back saying counsellor had reassured him he’s not a bad person (been treating me like dirt for a year) and said that the counsellor told him that they will be helping him assess if there is still a spark. Apparently right now there isn’t.

As if I didn’t feel shxt enough already about being treated like crap, DH is now getting help to see if he can delve deep to see if he can rekindle a spark for me. So, more hanging around till he decides his feelings plus still possible outcome of nah, I don’t want you.

Am I reading counselling wrong. Feeling pretty lousy.

OP posts:
Groovinpeanut · 04/01/2020 19:21

The mistake many think in regards to counselling is they think that the counsellor has this obligation to deliver a full and tailor made solutions personally for them exclusively.
It simply doesn't work like that. The role of s counselling service is to work with people to enable them to explore many facets of their feelings, situations and options and to look deeper into points to enable them to make their own decisions. Not make them for them.
The common mistake many also make is that they put their own "spin" on conversations and interpretations. To the counsellor your husband isn't s bad man. She doesn't live with him, or know all the ins and outs of his nature. He's simply somebody who is their to help him navigate his way through difficulties and difficulties he's been looking to work through. Don't take it personally, they are impartial and not out to make personal judgement or attacks on you.

Groovinpeanut · 04/01/2020 19:23

The autocorrect spellings in that post are steps atrocious sorry Hmm

Wolfiefan · 04/01/2020 19:26

I don’t think you’re reading counselling wrong. I think he’s probably not being truthful to the counsellor or is only sharing things that put him in a good light.
You say what he wants. What do you want? If he’s treating you badly then what are you getting out of this?

1CantPickAName · 04/01/2020 19:32

What your dh told you was his interpretation of the conversation. The councillor is there to help you both deal with what your problems in the relationship. I can guess that you both have different views of what the problems/issues are in the relationship

SwimSwim · 04/01/2020 19:34

@thowntrashreject I can't imagine that is a very nice situation for you. It sounds like his going back and forth has really shattered your self confidence. If you're being treated so badly, and I don't mean this to sound harsh as we've all been there, why are you waiting for his decision? You're worth more than that and if he can't see that, you need to get out. Living like that is only going to destroy your self worth more and more. You deserve to be happy and sometimes that's achieved by being alone and/or with a new partner. Have you discussed splitting with your counsellor?

P.s. I understand you give counselling a try when you're trying to save your marriage but I hate to hear it being so one sided like that where you're to wait around while he decides. Very unfair on you.

ChuckleBuckles · 04/01/2020 19:41

Yeah mine pulled this too, went to counselling alone and came back to advise me that the therapist told him he was fine, it was me that the problem and the (now ex) DP would be absolutely right to throw me out of the house (that we shared for 15 years), just that the best thing for me would be for him to pack up my stuff in bin bags and put them and me out onto the step and close the door, that I had no legal rights (my solicitor disagreed very much with that). We had started counselling as dp had cheated, with prostitutes, but it was definitely me that was the problem, not him Hmm

In my case he had used counselling as another avenue to emotionally abuse me (with the added bonus of threatening me with homelessness!) What do you want OP, your post is about waiting for him, why allow him to hurt you further and have you doing some bizarre audition for your relationship while he decides to one day say to vote yes or no, get yourself set to go it alone and then set a date for him to $hit or get of the pot, don't allow him to hurt you and then waste you time waiting on him to dither. Whatever you do take what he says the therapist says with a boulder of salt, unless you hear it yourself it is another tool to wrong foot you.

youkiddingme · 04/01/2020 19:45

I think the best thing is to let him keep his alone counselling to himself. You aren't getting what he wants to tell you about it, which may be not the same as what you would get if you were there. Go talk to the counsellor about how this is making you feel, then get the joint session organised, if you are there together you won't be getting any spin it will all be first hand. The counsellor will probably learn a lot more about the dynamics within your relationship when he/she sees how you actually interact together,
But of course no counsellor is going to say, 'you are a bad person' to someone they are trying to help.

category12 · 04/01/2020 19:51

So, more hanging around till he decides his feelings plus still possible outcome of nah, I don’t want you.

Only if you decide you're going to put up with that. Don't be so bloody passive.

If he's treating you like crap, you do not have to stick it out. Why on earth would you? Gather up your self-esteem and take some control of your life.

bluebella4 · 04/01/2020 19:53

Counsellor does not and should not take sides. She will be exploring what HE brings to HIS sessions; he must want to to see if there is a spark. A counsellor doesnt tell a client what to do. Unfortunately, you can't decided what he can and can't say. She may well delve deep because this is his journey.

What are your feelings regarding your relationship? How do you feel? Why are waiting about? You can take control and do what you want!

Tableclothing · 04/01/2020 19:54

Whatever you do take what he says the therapist says with a boulder of salt

I'd agree with that ^

The vast majority of counsellors and therapists work to create an atmosphere of unconditional, non judgemental support. For a lot of people who go to counseling, it will be the first time in their lives where they truly have a "safe space" where they can talk about anything without fear of judgement, criticism, shame. Having that safe space is what enables a client to work through and move on from difficult things. It's a really important therapeutic concept.

What it means though, is that there is no way in hell the OP's husband's therapist was ever going to tell him that he is a bad person.

OP, your DH's counsellor is there for your DH, not for you, and not as an impartial referee in your marriage. Your DH is mistaken to try to use his interpretation of what the counsellor said to try to get one over on you.

You say your DH has been wavering for a year now. What do you want?

SonEtLumiere · 04/01/2020 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohwheniknow · 04/01/2020 20:03

And this is how abusive people manipulate couples counselling to consolidate their control over you.

Setting aside that I don't believe the bullshit he's told you... Treating someone badly isn't about being a bad person anyway, and isn't this just more of him treating you like shit?

baileys6904 · 04/01/2020 20:52

There's also different types of counselling, with different approaches.
Person centred or client centred is led very much by the person leading the conversation and the counsellor effectively agreeing and acknowledging. They don't offer solutions, or look into the past or try and figure anything out. Sounds like it could have been something like that?

SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 21:23

Ppl misinterpret what counsellors say all the time. If you didn't hear it from the counsellor yourself, then don't believe it.

If your DH went into the session saying he is a bad person, then it's possible the counsellor might tell him he isn't.

The counselling profession don't really go along the lines of calling clients bad people...they may say that some of the choices they've made are not necessarily good.

A counsellor is meant to be non judgemental and even if they inwardly had a negative view if their client....they wouldn't say it to the client.

A client wouldn't take very well to a counsellor saying that they were a bad person.

Interestedwoman · 04/01/2020 21:30

'So, more hanging around till he decides his feelings plus still possible outcome of nah, I don’t want you.'

Dump him, don't put up with him saying he's not sure about you, and you waiting around for him to possibly dump you. Definitely don't marry him.

Graphista · 04/01/2020 21:58

“A counsellor doesnt tell a client what to do”

A GOOD counsellor wouldn’t, unfortunately not all counsellors are good! It’s a very poorly regulated industry and a lot of them are plain clueless ime.

How did you find the counsellor/s you’ve chosen to use?

It’s also not recommended to enter therapy if there is abuse which it sounds like there may be.

They NEVER tell someone they’re a “bad person” so that’s a nonsense thing to focus on. The good ones guide clients to recognise and address behaviour and thought patterns that aren’t serving their needs. It’s not a test!

Why are you doing counselling? If you’re unhappy, especially if he’s treating you like shit and especially if that’s due to who he is not temporary stress (which still isn’t acceptable but could maybe be fixed) then surely you’re better just getting out?

CupoTeap · 04/01/2020 22:02

Why do you think it's all up to him?

Danni12 · 04/01/2020 22:05

It doesn't sound like he's been truthful with the counsellor....it he's interpreting what they said in a way that makes him look good. If DH and you go together to the next session you can voice your perspective and also say if he says something and that's not your experience of the situation

Original poster
ThrownTrashReject · 06/01/2020 13:24

Has couples counselling worked for anyone? I just don't see how this can be turned around. He can't be bothered to fix it, it's too much trouble for him whereas I'd throw myself under a bus to keep my family together.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 06/01/2020 13:49

Why do you want to stay with him?

SandyY2K · 06/01/2020 13:57

I'd throw myself under a bus to keep my family together

So is it more about your family being together, than your love for him?

If so, perhaps he can perceives that too.

You say he's been treating you like dirt? Why would you want to be with someone who treats you badly?

Then on top of that, you're letting him decide if he still has a spark for you.

If you didn't have any DC, would you accept his behaviour?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 06/01/2020 14:48

whereas I'd throw myself under a bus to keep my family together.

And it looks like you are, OP.

Original poster
ThrownTrashReject · 06/01/2020 18:17

Actually, I do love him. I may not this time next year but I do. We have had lots of ups and downs and got through them stronger. This just seems so wasteful.

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 06/01/2020 18:20

Wasteful?

Original poster
ThrownTrashReject · 06/01/2020 18:28

Yes, wasteful. Everything we have worked together to achieve, the love we had, our beautiful family.

OP posts:
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