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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Telling him its over

27 replies

Jadetreesbringluck · 04/01/2020 16:49

Sorry for bad grammar & spelling I am typing on my phone & currently shaking.

Waiting for dh to come home. Hes dropping the kids to grans for a sleepover I have arranged so we have a chance to talk.

He knows its bad but i think he doesn't think its as serious as it is. I think its over. Long time unhappy, same scenarios over the past 11 yrs.

Hes not a bad man. There's no abuse or infidelity and he still loves me but im done. We are just not compatible. I feel he is holding me back. Im not sure if i am just projecting. We both have issues. He is struggling with depression on and off for years. I am too but i think its because im in a marriage i dont belong in. We have 2 children.

Im.so scared. I know I can manage on my own but I feel SO selfish. The kids will be devastated and this will break my dh. But i can no longer do this.

Really trying hard not to go get some wine. I feel like Simone has died im so upset but i cant talk to anyone in rl.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 04/01/2020 16:50

Someone. Simone has not died!!

OP posts:
Carpathian2 · 04/01/2020 16:54

Not a lot to add, but I didn't want to read and run.

You're doing the right thing, even though it feels so hard right now. You've recognised that you're not happy and this will affect the dc. It will also be better for your DH in the long run, he will eventually realise there's no point in hanging on.

Good luck, short term pain for long term gain Thanks

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 04/01/2020 17:48

Thank you for your message. He just txt me asking what i want for dinner.

I want to forget it all. Get some wine, drink it, go to bed and deal with this tomor.

Kids away until tomor eve.

OP posts:
Kat787 · 04/01/2020 18:16

Good luck! I've just gone through a similar thing. Have a glass of wine, it will help settle you. But not too much! Wishing you all the best 🍷

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/01/2020 18:28

Do it today. It gives you a day to sort things rather than them coming home to a tense home tomorrow.

You deserve to be happy. Just know that x

AnotherNameThingy · 04/01/2020 18:28

Good luck!
It is scary but not the end of the world.
Flowers

crestar · 04/01/2020 19:04

It's true - you are selfish in terms of your children at the very least.

Too many people just play at marriage rather than working on it - these people should stay single.

Headsashed4 · 04/01/2020 19:10

**
Too many people just play at marriage rather than working on it - these people should stay single.

She’s hardly playing at marriage when she’s been trying 11 years.

TheWindowDonkey · 04/01/2020 19:36

Crestar, a marriage doesn't have to be abusive to be negative to warrant leaving. The op feels trapped somewhere she doesn't belong. The situation will be hurting all of them and the kids will benefit from knowing they don’t have to remain in relationships that slowly drown them.
I think you are being hugely brave op.

Ullupullu · 04/01/2020 19:39

Thinking of you OP. Have you been able to talk about how arrangements with the children will be? Where will you live?

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 04/01/2020 19:48

He wants to try another few months. Promises to sort his health and depression head on. Says he knows i deserve better.

I dont know what to do!! He has asked be to sleep on it. I feel so bad because we moved nearer mt family and he has no one near. Also logistics are a nightmare and no idea where he could live.

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 04/01/2020 19:53

It is okay to be firm op. It is crueller to drag it out if you know you are sure you want to split.

NettleTea · 04/01/2020 19:54

you can put a timeframe in place, even if it is only in your mind.
You can see if he follows through.
You feel 'held back' - what is it that you want to do - what dioes he need to do to facilitate that
if its to do with home / career / lifestyle then this needs to be addressed now.
If the love has gone though, it may be too late
Dont look elsewhere though, until you are free and have been for some while

DPotter · 04/01/2020 19:58

Focus on what you want, not the obstacles/ 'reasons' for not separating. There's ways around everything once you've taken that first step.

How would you feel about calling it a trial separation, given his promises? Would solving the health and depression issues make a difference? If not, then you'll have to say - that's it, can't go on.
Sending strength

lilmishap · 04/01/2020 20:02

You DO know what you want to do. Can you stay for a few weeks? some people need a bloody good scare to get their shit together so this may change things. Maybe give him a deadline.

letsdolunch321 · 04/01/2020 20:15

Are his health and depression problems part of the reason you want to split?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2020 20:21

Stop putting off the inevitable and END IT. You will feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders once you do. Take control of your life and stop caving into his empty promises, because that's all they are. If he actually gave a shit he would have sorted out his issues ages ago.

Original poster
Jadetreesbringluck · 04/01/2020 20:27

Yes the health issues are part of the problem. I did not get married just to throw it all away easily like a poster said previously...but I didn't sign up to be miserable for ever either.

So conflicted. Swaying on a final chance ie. 3 more months? Even to get 'my ducks in a row'.

DS awaiting ADHD Diagnosis also so its pretty stressful right now. I feel so out of my depth.

OP posts:
Mummsnett · 04/01/2020 20:28

Just to say I'm in the same boat.. Told my partner of 6 years yesterday that I want to break up. We have a 2yo and I'm 3 months pregnant, so not great timing, but I've reached the point where I can't do this anymore. We had a talk in the summer about what I needed to happen, and nothing has changed. Not all his fault, but similar to you op, I've realised that this is my life, and if I don't take action to make myself happier then I've only myself to blame. Logistics will be a nightmare, but we will make them work. Your mental health and life happiness is so much more important.

ohwheniknow · 04/01/2020 20:29

How do the health issues manifest?

MashedSpud · 04/01/2020 20:35

Marriage guidance?

Be very sure of what you want as the grass is greener thing isn’t very green in the world of OLD.

GrannyBags · 04/01/2020 20:37

If he could change, would you stay together? If there is a chance that you could make things better together then you could give it one more try. If you have already decided that you definitely want out then it’s kinder to tell him that now.
Don’t allow people on the Internet to tell you that you are selfish - they are not walking in your shoes.

oobieloo · 04/01/2020 20:52

I think for the sake of everyone involved, a slow getting the ducks in a row break up is better than leaving right this instant. As long as he and you both know where you stand I.e. whether it's another 3 months to give it a chance or if it's a 3 months to get things sorted and separate and that's that then I think it should work for both of you and the kids. Take your time making sure you both do it in a way that puts the kids first and that you both have somewhere decent to live and spend time with the kids as well as making sure you're both happy with the situation and can coparent the best you can.

Bringiton2019 · 04/01/2020 21:27

This was me 2 years ago, same scenario, same feelings, kids etc.

If you are not happy then you can't stay, I won't lie it'll be heartbreaking for him and you, quilt, tears and being made to feel like a bad person.

BUT fast forward and you'll both be happier in the long run, and deserve to be with someone you want to be with.

You both deserve to be with someone who loves you.

Deep breathes and feel free to PM me xx

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/01/2020 00:13

If he was in a better mental state would you still want to be with him?

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