AIBU to tell DP he needs to quit his hobby

[IamMaisie]

My DP of 5 years has worked in a gruelling industry since he was at school. Its hard going but for a long time he was also passionate about it. For 4 of our 5 years together he ran his own business in this industry. It ultimately didn't succeed and six months ago he had to go back to employment. He's been insisting he's happy doing this as he wants to spend time earning some money and living a normal life with no pressure and no work worries for a while.

I also told him this was something I needed him to do. Ive been supporting him, emotionally and ocassionally financially for such a long time now, and the pressure was getting to me too.

I'm now also pregnant and we've agreed we want to set ourselves up for a nice family life.

In the last few months, he's taken up learning 3D animation on his computer. He's very creative and artistic (it's related to his degree but not his career) and has developed a real passion for it. He's also had feedback from professionals and online forums and been told his work is very good and he has a talent for it.

My problem is, it's all he thinks about. He knows how I feel about letting it take over his life but on a day off, he'll spend the morning doing things around the house he needs to do and as soon as he feels he's done enough, he'll get on his computer. He might stop to either make or eat dinner but then he's back on it until the early hours of the morning. Same when he comes in from work. Straight on his computer. He'll stop and do his 'duties'. He's very careful to make sure I'm OK and have no cause for complaint about him first but then it's back to it.

I end up watching TV alone of an evening and as Im pregnant and still in the tired phase, I'll often fall asleep. I'll then wake up at midnight and stumble off to bed. He might come with me but more often he doesn't. I'm starting to really resent his stupid computer, but then feel mean because he really enjoys it. If I complain, he'll put it down, but I know he is itching to get back to it.

I just know he's hoping to learn enough to start making a living out of it. But this frustrates me because we're supposed to be putting our energies into us and our new family. I don't want the stress of him following another dream at this time. I've told him I might have the energy to support him again in a couple of years time.

Im getting tired of trying to make him see that it feels a bit rubbish from over here. It's like he's not there. He insists it's just a hobby and he just loves doing it. And what else would we be doing? It's not like we go out all the time so it's a bit mean I make him feel bad about doing something he loves.

But if it's just a hobby why is it all he does? There are so many things we could be doing together or planning for the baby or doing around the house.

I want to say to him he should shelve it or really limit it, but I know he ll think it's unfair. Is it?

You can ask him to limit it....but it might be his was of 'checking out' of real life. Are you sure he really wants a baby and to put his energy into family life?

Ooh I can see both sides here. My DH is mad about a certain sport (not football) and would think I was mad if I asked him to cut down his involvement, but I completely understand your feelings of being neglected.

It sounds like you're dead on when you say he might be trying to get to a point where he can make a career out of it, so if you can reframe it in your mind, he is doing it out of love; he wants to support you and your family by doing something he's good at and passionate about.

You say he stops to do his 'duties' (jobs around the house etc) so can you schedule time together? E.g. 8pm onwards is family time with no computers/tech. You could agree to it too (no phones etc) to make it sound less of a restriction on just him. If you get the sense he's itching to get away, tell him! Explain how it makes you feel.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

It sounds less about the specific hobby and more about his style of approaching life - he’s used being a bit of a workaholic/putting a lot into his interests. For me it is less about stopping him doing this and more about ensuring he DOES do the things you need - come to bed at a certain time, spend enough leisure time with you. And of course the baby is coming, and he needs to engage with that. It’s about how much time he allocates to that. My fear would be that if he stopped this interest something else would take over if he is just used to this level of obsessive engagement.

He insists he's thrilled about the baby, it's what he's always wanted and the reason why he's happy to go back to employment and just 'work to love' for a while.

I agree it's a way of checking out. There's online forums where they share work and help each other out and hes on those all night. He tells me that they all tell him how impressed they are with his skill despite him being quite new to it. It feels like it's a massive ego boost for him and I understand why he feels like he needs it but he describes them as friends and surely talking to real friends would be better

Oh dear.
None of this is very encouraging.
He sounds pretty immature, it is checking out behaviour (have to say my DH does this quite a lot too - he spends a lot of time noodling about with photos) and I think you need to really have a very hard think about how much you are enabling him.
There's one thing to work as a partnership and another to always be the one facilitating the other.
You're not married. Have you set up your finances/home in a way that is fair and protects your assets? Tbh I think you could be very vulnerable financially with this man.
Sorry to be such a downer but your post rings a lot of alarm bells.

I think you need to be open and honest with him about how you feel in regards to his hobby. It’s great that he has a passion for 3D designing. Everyone should be passionate about something in their life but as you’re now pregnant he needs to realise that there simply won’t be much time for his hobby once the baby arrives. You need support and companionship right now as you’re vulnerable. He needs to know that. He may think you’re pissing on his bonfire but obsessive personality types rarely see themselves spiraling. I know as my DH is one and if and when he takes things too far I have to bring him back to reality!

If it wasn’t this particular hobby it would be something else though.
He is just paying lip service to you and your upcoming baby.
He says one thing and does another.
Don’t listen to what he says look at what he does.
Can’t wait to get back to it after he’s done his ‘duties and chores’.

So you want him to quit his hobby so that he can watch tv with you every evening and go to bed when you go to bed?
You’ve said he’s not neglecting household chores/ making dinner so this hobby is not consuming him.
My DH has a hobby that takes up most evenings and weekends. I like that he has interests he pursues without me. It gives me time to pursue my hobbies. It gives us something to talk about.
Sitting as a couple watching tv every night is not a good use of time.
I think you need to get a hobby yourself tbh.

Why don’t you agree one day a week when he doesn’t do his hobby.

I think the crux of it is he is unlikely to change. If it's not this it will be something else.
My DH has another hobby which is hugely important to him. So much so, I'd say it cost him his first marriage. It puts a significant strain on ours. But I have accepted this as being how we live and, as Plan says, instead of expecting him to change I use the time to do what I want.
But I think you need to have a discussion about how much time he's going to give you and the baby once it arrives.
Have to say one of my bits of relationship advice I've given my own DD is to avoid partners with obsessive hobbies!

Thanks for replies everyone

It sounds like you're dead on when you say he might be trying to get to a point where he can make a career out of it, so if you can reframe it in your mind, he is doing it out of love; he wants to support you and your family by doing something he's good at and passionate about.*

In theory I'm all for this, I've supported him for a long time while he goes after what he wants to do. It ended in disaster and bankruptcy for him. We put off starting a family. I guess I'm a bit nervous about the idea of him trying to do something he loves as a way of supporting his family because its been so catastrophic. And because he promised he would leave any big career moves and that having a family was what he wanted most of all.

There's one thing to work as a partnership and another to always be the one facilitating the other.
You're not married. Have you set up your finances/home in a way that is fair and protects your assets? Tbh I think you could be very vulnerable financially with this man.

How do mean @beamur?
I think my worry is that he's secretly much more miserable in his job then he's letting on and we're going to be in a position where we have a young baby, he still spends most of his time on his computer and decides he needs to start a new career because life's too short. He promises this won't happen, so I just think he should chill out with it.

He goes to bed late every night, doesn't eat enough, wonders why he's tired. His hobby is making him the same as his business was

Sitting as a couple watching tv every night is not a good use of time.
I think you need to get a hobby yourself tbh.

For full disclosure, I'm only doing this while I'm so tired with my pregnancy. I seem to hit a wall at about 8pm.

When he had his business, in the last year I was helping him a lot. We spent our evenings working. When he started working we spoke about how there were so many programmes we wanted to watch as we hadn't watched TV in over a year.

I turn the TV on now as I am tired and he is busy

I'm kind of jealous that he has such absorbing passions. I think this is just who he is. Be specific with him - you want to have a joint hobby or pursuit with him, or a date type evening at home three times a week. And when baby comes he needs to halve his computer time or more.

I think it's a bit much to ask him to give up something that he loves so that he can sit and watch TV with you. Is there something a bit more interesting that you could do together as a couple that might make time away from his hobby seem worthwhile?

I think it's reasonable to say that you'd like to set aside a night a week where you spend some time together, and obviously, when baby arrives, he will need to do his fair share of the childcare and you'll probably want some time together as a family. However, I don't think it's fair to make him give up something which he clearly loves if he is pulling his weight with regard to the housework etc. In the nicest possible way, you don't get to dictate how he spends his free time, and he doesn't have to spend it with you if he doesn't choose to.

To be clear, I don't want him to give up his hobby to watch TV with me. I don't usually watch a lot of TV, I am doing so more now as I am pregnant and tired and he is not very talkative when he's on his computer.

It's not about TV

I think that's a perceptive worry. I'd also be thinking along the same lines.
It's great that he's creative and ambitious, but it does have to be tempered with a dose of reality. Bills still have to be paid and other boring things like that.
Do you rent or own a place together?
Do you have wills?
Having a child really shifts the axis on a lot of stuff.
Pensions, savings?

I was always of the opinion that if would rather spend time fannying about on the computer than spend time with me and our family then I didn’t want to spend time with him.
(Mine was going to the pub and playing golf)
One of the many reasons he’s now my ex.

I hate to piss on his parade. But my DP has been in the industry for over 20yrs and is very senior. Animators seem to be 10 a penny. At my Dps work they are mostly hired with a minimum of a masters degree. Even then, they start on not even a third of dp's wage. The only animators I know freelance have again, at least 20+ yrs experience, are extremely talented and can charge huge day rates to make up for when they aren't working. Dp and his colleagues are all verified on IMDB, and it is rarely something someone can just break into so to speak. It has gained popularity with many people studying at degree level and competition is fierce for jobs. If he wanted to try and make a career, he would be better starting as a runner and working his way up. Or, put together some incredible show reels and send them of. He MAY get an interview at entry level if his work is outstanding.

@beamur
We hardly have any of that stuff. I am a freelancer. I'm very self sufficient financially but no mortgage. We rent, we can't buy yet because of his bankruptcy. We decided to try for a family now as so that by the time he's able to get a mortgage, I'll be working full time again, no maternity leave disruptions etc.

We were talking about all that stuff, thinking about putting it all in place etc. I just feel like everything gets pushed aside and forgotten for this new hobby. I was just so sure this would be 'our time' after everything we said. I guess I'm just disappointed.

We talked about using free time to go for walks, cook, watch films. It all sounded lovely to be honest. If I suggest anything like that, he does it but he races back to the computer at first opportunity

@IsAnybodyListening
This is what I thought too. Although usually, my stance is to be encouraging. I fi d it difficult this time because I know what you say is right. I work in a similar industry

I'd echo the above poster, he isn't going to get anywhere as an animator anytime soon, the industry is very competitive and getting some positive comments on his hobby does not mean he should plough all his time and energy into it. He should be supporting you and making the most of your time together before the baby arrives. But sadly I imagine you will be back once the baby is born, when you've been doing everything while he stays up all night fiddling on a computer. It sounds like you've been supporting him a long time, it's time for him to step up.

On a positive note, I did hear about a amateur animator a good few years back, who put together an amazing story-board, presented in stills in a leather bound book. It was delivered by actors who acted out the story. This got the man an interview for creativity reasons. But then again, this can just show how hard it can be to stand out.

Both DH and I have hobbies at home we both game which is treated with utter contempt on MN overall and makes us childish apparently . DH takes part in research that has saved lives and I have set up charities that have fed thousands of people. Yep I feel I have to justify that I’m actually also a sensible adult.

He shouldn’t give up his hobby but it does sound like it is consuming him. He may be doing it because he is sliding in to a depressive phase about his changing jobs. I had a period where I gamed a lot and it was basically to cope with two bereavements. It meant I was completely absorbed in something.

How late is late? And have you had a conversation about everything impacting on how you feel and how your worried about his health. Not eating or eating too much is also a sign of depression. I also lost two stone in that period and was seriously underweight and was 7 stone at 5ft 4.

Approach it from his health and how sad it’s making you overall , they are your concerns and you need to voice them. You do also need to do some stuff together in life, we do The Times crossword together every day. Explain how in sharing something however trivial it makes a connection.

The baby isn’t here yet. He probably knows he will have less time once baby arrives.
I agree with others that you should ask him to set aside time for you to do a joint activity (not tv, not cooking). The taking walks you mentioned is a great hobby. You could start a weekly half day every weekend going walking on footpaths, maybe get a national trust membership and walk around gardens.
Family life really consists of living together with freedom to pursue our own interests and some overlapping joint activity that we enjoy. Most families do not spend all their freedom time together.
I think you also need your own hobby too, that way after baby arrives you can leave baby with him while you do your hobby and that is fair for when he does his hobby and leaves you with baby. You don’t want to always be attached to your baby. You will want time to be you.

Family life really consists of living together with freedom to pursue our own interests and some overlapping joint activity that we enjoy. Most families do not spend all their freedom time together.
I think you also need your own hobby too, that way after baby arrives you can leave baby with him while you do your hobby and that is fair for when he does his hobby and leaves you with baby. You don’t want to always be attached to your baby. You will want time to be you.
I agree with this.

I think in situations like this where the person with a hobby is doing their share around the house (Vs being selfish and lazy), the major source of tension is between people who have hobbies and people who don't.
Two hobby people will tend to understand that outlook and be happy with space doing separate things. Two non-hobby people will tend to be happy watching telly, going for a walk etc.
The issue in my opinion is when one person has a hobby and the other doesn't because the person with a hobby wants to use their time productively, improve a skill, learn something new etc but often the person without a hobby wants to chill and have someone sit with them, watch TV, just be etc.