AIBU to tell DP he needs to quit his hobby

[IamMaisie]

My DP of 5 years has worked in a gruelling industry since he was at school. Its hard going but for a long time he was also passionate about it. For 4 of our 5 years together he ran his own business in this industry. It ultimately didn't succeed and six months ago he had to go back to employment. He's been insisting he's happy doing this as he wants to spend time earning some money and living a normal life with no pressure and no work worries for a while.

I also told him this was something I needed him to do. Ive been supporting him, emotionally and ocassionally financially for such a long time now, and the pressure was getting to me too.

I'm now also pregnant and we've agreed we want to set ourselves up for a nice family life.

In the last few months, he's taken up learning 3D animation on his computer. He's very creative and artistic (it's related to his degree but not his career) and has developed a real passion for it. He's also had feedback from professionals and online forums and been told his work is very good and he has a talent for it.

My problem is, it's all he thinks about. He knows how I feel about letting it take over his life but on a day off, he'll spend the morning doing things around the house he needs to do and as soon as he feels he's done enough, he'll get on his computer. He might stop to either make or eat dinner but then he's back on it until the early hours of the morning. Same when he comes in from work. Straight on his computer. He'll stop and do his 'duties'. He's very careful to make sure I'm OK and have no cause for complaint about him first but then it's back to it.

I end up watching TV alone of an evening and as Im pregnant and still in the tired phase, I'll often fall asleep. I'll then wake up at midnight and stumble off to bed. He might come with me but more often he doesn't. I'm starting to really resent his stupid computer, but then feel mean because he really enjoys it. If I complain, he'll put it down, but I know he is itching to get back to it.

I just know he's hoping to learn enough to start making a living out of it. But this frustrates me because we're supposed to be putting our energies into us and our new family. I don't want the stress of him following another dream at this time. I've told him I might have the energy to support him again in a couple of years time.

Im getting tired of trying to make him see that it feels a bit rubbish from over here. It's like he's not there. He insists it's just a hobby and he just loves doing it. And what else would we be doing? It's not like we go out all the time so it's a bit mean I make him feel bad about doing something he loves.

But if it's just a hobby why is it all he does? There are so many things we could be doing together or planning for the baby or doing around the house.

I want to say to him he should shelve it or really limit it, but I know he ll think it's unfair. Is it?

Can you be specific - with yourself firstly, then him, about the outcome you want to be different. So how do you want the day/evening to look during the week? at weekends?

As PP have said, he's doing this hobby partly to see if he can turn into a career to benefit the family, so if you start off asking him to cut down on the hobby so you can 'set yourselves up for a nice family life' you might get short shrift if that means 'come and watch TV with me'.

A huge amount has gone on for you both in recent years. Bankruptcy must have been pretty traumatic for you both - it challenged your desire to start a family as it threatened security; your partner will have had his dreams smashed plus may feel a lot of shame and disappointment. I’m also struck by the tone of your posts, which is almost parental. Has it always been a case of you feeling you need to reality check his ambitions/interests and feeling sidelined by them? It does sound as though he’s avoiding a lot here and your frustrations aren’t heard either. I’m wondering if that’s the issue to address rather than his interests?

I think you need to really boil down what this is about before you talk to him.

He's not neglecting you; or his duties... is it really that you're fed up that you don't have a hobby too? Are you overly dependent on him for company? That's not unusual; especially if you're used to working with him into the evening... Are you bored?

I think it'd be pretty unreasonable to ask him to give up a hobby because you've decided that he does it too much, if he isn't skipping chores for it.

And if he's the type of person who has these intense passion projects, he's likely to be very unhappy without one, and he'll probably find something else to obsess over anyway.

My partner creates 3D animation courses and runs some online forums- I won't say much more because of how outing it is. Feel free to pm me if it helps, but what I wanted to say is that from a realism point of view, they are super super encouraging to people about how good they are, not in a false way, however opportunities in the industry are super rare, as such, barely anybody manages to make it more than a hobby. If he's hoping to make it a career, he can expect 70+ hour weeks on that alone and still no guarantees, certainly not of a decent wage.

He should be making a space in the future for the baby, instead he is making his hobby the main focus of his life

It all sounds very much what you want to do, ie baby, him working for an employer, him quitting his hobby etc. What about his wants or don’t they matter?

As long as he’s pulling his weight and doing his share financially and in the home then he should be able to do something he enjoys.

The problem with this hobby is that he has already invested a huge amount of time and energy into something which is unlikely to provide a financial return, he won't want to give up on it because he's invested all that time and energy and developed his talents and so he will argue that he should just carry on pouring more and more into it because it's bound to pay off eventually.
it's all about him, it's all about gratifying his own ego, making him him the star of the show, the most important person the one with the talent

He's checking out but saying all the right things. Might just be nervous about the baby, could be about to run away, who knows.

He needs to be told that this is just a hobby though. I imagine he thinks he can make this a job, he can't. It will never happen. The industry is too competitive.

He also needs to spend time with you, not just think that by doing chores he's done enough. That won't make your relationship work, and it will certainly fail when the baby comes.

Good luck to you. Hope he changes.

There is no point making space for a baby when said baby is months away from appearing. I don’t even known how that could realistically be done. You do less hobby, and do what with the time? Hold hands and watch your belly grow?

When you’re pregnant with your first that’s your last chance to do anything just for you on your schedule for the next twenty years. Making space before baby arrives is an exercise in futility.

Thanks everyone for your replies, Ive got to go out and about for a while now but will reply a bit later.

Appreciate all the replies xx

Lola,
^the major source of tension is between people who have hobbies and people who don't.
Two hobby people will tend to understand that outlook and be happy with space doing separate things. Two non-hobby people will tend to be happy watching telly, going for a walk etc.
The issue in my opinion is when one person has a hobby and the other doesn't because the person with a hobby wants to use their time productively, improve a skill, learn something new etc but often the person without a hobby wants to chill and have someone sit with them, watch TV, just be etc.^

I agree this is exactly what is going on between OP and her DP.

I think he sounds reasonable enough to discuss this and put some clear boundaries in place. For example for 2 nights a week he can dedicate several hours to this. And then he can spend half a day on the weekend.

I think it’s perfectly fine to have a passion like this and I think it’s unfair of you to link this new found interest to his past failures. Bankruptcy is a difficult time for people so it’s great he has a new interest. But he needs to make time for it and he needs to stick to this agreement with you.

To me it sounds like he's checked out and views daily life as a chore or duty, and this hobby is his escape.

I'd find the thought of my DH having to 'schedule' or make an agreement to spend however many nights a week for me, us, and some family time really depressing. He should want to, rather than doing it because that's what's scheduled.

He'll stop and do his 'duties'. He's very careful to make sure I'm OK and have no cause for complaint about him first but then it's back to it.

This sounds like a negative spin on a positive trait to me!

If my partner had gone to bed when I did in early pregnancy we'd have been like John and Yoko. Your partner is obviously a passionate person but he's saying it's just a hobby, and you're saying you 'just know' it isn't (how?) and if it was why does he spend all his free time on it. That's what passion is! I think that's an attractive trait in a partner, especially when he's still pulling his weight around the house. Being pregnant and knackered is really hard but you'll probably have loads of energy soon and can be suggesting more things to do together with him (which you say yourself he always says yes to). If he starts refusing to do things with you, or wants to become dependent on you financially without your agreement, or doesn't pull his weight with the baby, then you'll have cause for complaint. But I think you'd be unfair to try and limit his computer use at the moment from what you've said.

I'd say it's fair for you to ask for have some at home date nights put aside from his hobby.

DH and I do this, otherwise we'd both find ways to busy up our evenings away from each other.

1 or two evenings guaranteed for hang outs can't be too unreasonable?

We work in music industry and I know many guys who have done stupid stuff financially in order to follow their passion. Thing is— very very occasionally it works but what I say to artists is to think of it as a great fun hobby that ‘might’ pay off but don’t presume it will. However I will say OP it’s very important to let men have an outlet , and this is a pretty harmless one it seems. Once you have a baby you will be glad I think of some space and if he is in ‘doodling Around’ he will make a fab babysitter!!!

OK, general consensus does seem to be IBU, which is fair enough. People seem to have jumped on the TV thing and assume I have no interests of my own. This is far from the case and the reason I've always encouraged him in his pursuits is because I've always had mine.

The last couple of years were hard. Tough on both our mental health, it was his business but it was hard on me too. I had a lot of time and a bit of money invested in it too. It nearly broke us and we've been so excited about this new phase in our life, we kept saying we wanted a 'normal' life, not working around the clock, time together, time to see friends, a baby etc. And a sex life! When one of you never comes to bed until 2am, you don't really have sex very much!
We've a lot to do to our house to get it sorted, literally zero storage etc. Its only ever me that wants to start these things or suggest anything different than a night in so he can be on his computer. It does feel sad and like I'm forcing him so I don't suggest it often.

I guess this is just his normal though. I think I've probably been a bit naive to think it would be any different. As pp said have always found his passion an attractive trait. I am just feeling a bit.... I don't even know. Worried, on the back foot. Probably unfair. I do love him a lot.

I've got a busy day ahead so won't be back but thanks the reality check everyone. Have a good weekend!

Hi OP, the bankruptcy 6-months ago is a massive thing to go thru. You mention that for 4 out of the 5 years that you've been together you have supported him financially and emotionally. How do you feel about him post bankruptcy OP?

I can only imagine feeling frustrated, angry even and most definitely let down. Unfortunately bankruptcy is so stressful in itself but it also means that overnight life changes direction - you can't get a bank account let alone a mortgage!

I think you're absolutely right to be raising his behaviour as a red flag. Right now, youre expectation is that he steps up and supports you financially and emotionally. At the very least, you need your OH to be present in your current situation, not with his head in the clouds building an alternative career - now is not the right time.

You say your OH is creative, I say that over the years you and your OH have had a pattern where he can be playful and creative and then you rescue him. But the bankruptcy, baby on the way... this is serious and he now needs to get serious about life.

Right now, post bankruptcy and with baby on the way (congratulations btw) your OH should be focused on stabilising your credit rating, building up a steady income, rebuilding your trust and preparing for a baby.

Instead he's throwing himself into a new hobby, coming up with a new hair brained scheme for a new creative career that hes 'passionate' about, spending time with online friends, not going to bed until stupid o'clock and generally giving all the signals that hes not really present.

As you have pointed out maybe he can do all this in a few years. Not now.

I think you're being too kind with him. Firstly extract yourself from any financial link with the bankruptcy, say clearly what you need from him, and call out how selfish he is being.

I don't think you are BU at all. My partner has autism and the evenings (and the days) can be very lonely. His addiction to SM while real life happens around him is extremely frustrating.
He happens to love lists, so one way I manage our relationship time it to make him a list of what we need to do - either together or apart and I get all the stuff we need. He is brilliant at DIY & loves doing it, so I start the list in the week and he looks forward to planning it and measuring.
It seems like your DP's comfort zone is the computer too and it is easy to just spend hours on it.......... encourage him away from it and be firm about stopping at a reasonable hour. Having to manage someone to have a relationship is bloody draining though - if the time spent away from the computer is good though, it is worth it. Make sure you keep up with other friends to supplement the emotional support.

In all honesty it's no different to many husbands with many different hobbies.

If your husband spends so much time doing animation why dosent he do some freelance work so at least hes bringing in some money from it?

Personally I dont think his behaviour is any different to a lot of men, my husbands hobby is pc gaming and playing guitar which he does during every free moment he has (I also play pc games but I often take myself into the other room and read when I'm tired) and although its frustrating I know hubs will ultimately help with housework if asked, does the cooking, comes with me to do food shop or any other jobs I need his help with etc and he works hard so ultimately I dont begrudge him spending what time he has doing what he does as a escape. When he was unable to play games or guitar, he became a living nightmare, severly depressed, was having breakdowns, panic attacks as he had no way of escaping or relaxing from pressure. Tbh if he neglected everything else (which he might on occasion) I get mad, but hes learnt now to make sure things get done also and that video games dont come first unfortunately, but I do try to make sure he has time to relax and play especially when it's a stressful time.
The times when I've really wanted to spend time with him, we will usually around 9pm go and sit and watch a tv series in the front room together and watch a couple of episodes a night just before bed, for a few weeks before we both end up going back to doing our own things for a while, then when he start to crave the company again we go back to watching a series or a entire show from beginning to end again together. A few hours a night before bed.

That's ultimately how I got around feeling neglected and lonely with a husband who is down right obsessed with his hobbies 😂

Potentially also you dh may be trying to also fit as much of his hobby in as possible before baby is born and on a positive, if hes up with his hobby at night.. you can always get a early night and he can stay up with baby so you at least get a few solid hours of undeterred sleep before he goes to bed himself

Sorry dp not dh, couldn't see Op on phone while replying >.