Abusive relationship, need to know I'm not on my own

[LaurieSt]

Hi. I'm in an abusive marriage, I know that for certain, I just need to feel less alone tonight. My husband is controlling, demeaning and threatening, with occasional outburts of violence. He blames all of these on me like any abuser would.

We have two wonderful girls, not that he would notice. From morning to night I do everything for them (and him), and all he bothers with is watching sport while I get everyone ready in the morning, sort dinner and get everyone to bed at night. Yet everything I do is wrong according to him, he won't do a thing to help but constantly berates me for everything. I'm sick and tired of it, being called stupid, fat, dirty every single day. I'm sick of him refusing to do anything to get the girls ready in the morning so I don't even have time for a shower before work. I'm sick of him demanding I do everything for him and pay all the bills while he brags about how much money he has. I'm sick of cowering in fear that he's going to hit me again.

He refuses to listen to me, disrupts my routines so it's me that's late or has to run about for the girls. He isolates me and makes me feel worthless and makes me watch youtube videos so "he can teach me" about all the things I do "wrong". When I cry or get scared he explodes and tells me I'm scaring the girls and making him out to be a monster. When I try to speak up for myself he accuses me of abuse.

I'm tired of him and so lonely. I'm doing my best to save up secretly so I can get the girls away from him, but it takes time. I want to scream but he won't even let me do that, so I'm reaching out and hoping someone will tell me I'm not alone tonight.

Im sure you are not alone in this. I’m glad you’ve said you are saving up and have made the decision to leave. Maybe there are quicker ways to leave which further posters will suggest. There is a lot of help out there.

Sorry you are going through this. Stay strong. Leave him. You and your girls are worth so much more.

You are not alone. You have a plan to leave and one day you will escape and be happy. Meanwhile I suggest you contact Womans Aid if you need an ear in real life. Good luck to you, angel

You’re not alone. You’ve taken the first huge step of recognising his behaviour is abusive. I’d highly recommend looking up your local domestic abuse charity/service and speaking to them. They can help you plan to get out. Are you concerned about your safety tonight?

I'm not worried about my safety tonight, he gets violent only occasionally. Last time he was annoyed at not getting to go out with work because both girls were sick, so ripped a book out of my hands and punched me in the face. Of course he blamed it on me later by saying I was hysterical and he only gently slapped me to stop me hurting myself.

Have you contacted Women's Aid OP or your local DV organisation? You may not need to save up to leave, you might be able to get him out with an Occupation Order. You need to call Women's Aid and get some advice as this situation is untenable and he is going to destroy your mental health and that of your children. He sounds like a terrorist quite frankly and you sound as though you are in a hostage situation. I don't think you realise quite how bad it is.

Call Women's Aid asap: 0808 2000 247
Try the NCDV regarding an Occupation Order: 0800 970 2070
Try Rights of Women for legal advice
Gingerbread for info on becoming a single parent eg child maintenance, benefits, contact etc

Just seen your latest post regarding him punching you in the face. If he touches you again dial 999

Get advice ASAP from Women's Aid.

Thank you. You're right, I don't actually realise how bad things are and have to admit I'm surprised when I list through his actions. Like the time I was mugged on my way to meet him for drinks and he flatly refused to accept it had happened, said it was just young lads having a laugh. He then got angry with me because of how upset and shocked I was at being mugged and told me I was ruining his night.

I'm so sorry, no one deserves to live like that. You don't deserve this and you can get through it. Of course you were shocked and upset to get mugged. You had every right to be believed. He is dismissing and minimising your quite normal reactions.

There is something very wrong with him OP, it's not you. It's him.

Don't let him think it's your fault or that you're 'mad' or that you drive him to it. It's all him. There's nothing wrong with you.

You're not alone OP. My husband isn't physically violent but is every other type of abusive towards me. I'm stuck here until HE decides the relationship is over. I ended it last year, tried to do it the proper way through courts and police but without lots of actual evidence the courts won't believe you. They also treat the abusive you suffer as something separate to the children so he could well get granted plenty of access should he fight for it. My husband got back here by threatening all sorts so the kids would be taken off me, said he'd make up lies to court and police so that I wouldn't look like the best option for the kids even though I've done EVERYTHING from day 1.

My advice is still to get out but be clever about it. Get as much evidence of his abuse that can't be disputed. Speak to women's aid, a solicitor etc so that it's on record before you leave.

My friends husband was arrested a few weeks ago for attempted murder...on her. Violence escalates and you're not safe. As you know he's unpredictable and anything could happen to set him off. Be careful

He's just absolutely worn me down after all these years that I'm at the point of believing it all, and all I do is apologise to him about everything. That just makes things worse, as he says I used to be confident and outgoing and he hates what I am now. Other "highlights";
He refused to accept me getting upset when one of my pupils was killed, saying "it's not like you found the body".
Accuses me of not eating, so I have to either be seen eating by him or be able to prove what I've eaten.
Forced a damp shirt in my face and made me sniff it because apparently it not drying quickly was my fault.
Demanding I run even the smallest decision past him, and calling me at work to complain loudly if I've bought some food he didn't agree on.
Also, after I'd had enough and attempted suicide, he simply said I was doing it for attention and that I was an embarrassment to him and the girls. No hug, no checking if I was okay, just telling me how much it inconvenienced him.

He's really sick in the head OP and it seems he's driven you to attempt suicide and been unsympathetic towards you.

What he's doing is called 'gaslighting', abusers do that in order to control you. They tell you that black is white and white is black for no other reason than power and control.

You cannot stay with this man. Call Women's Aid as soon as you can for advice and support.

You are with an extremely dangerous man, he sounds like a psychopath. I believe you. I believe everything you are saying, I don't think you're making it up.

It means so much for people to listen, it feels beyond belief. I've been so used to being shouted down and challenged on everything I say that it's amazing to have people just accept what I say. Thank you all so much.

Of course we believe you. Some of us have been there. Please contact Women's Aid or your local equivalent and get the support you need to bring this to an end and protect yourself and your DC.

Good luck.

I know you aren't in a position to leave him right this moment but you WILL do it one day, and life will be so much better. It's 10 weeks since I left my home with my two children due to DA. Life is tiring but so worth it!

Even if your girls are very young they will be affected by the abuse and aware something is wrong. They could be a target for his abuse in the future, don't wait until that happens, like I did.

Sorry to go on, but husband actually felt the need to wake me in the night to tell me I'm fat and he feels my lifestyle has to change. He's decided that he's going to choose what I eat now, as I apparently need to eat better. He's also still in bed and I'm dealing with the girls, as he's doing his usual and expecting I bring him breakfast in bed every day. He'll stay in bed until just before I have to leave with the girls for clubs, denying me the chance to get a shower, and still be sitting around doing nothing by the time I'm home. I'll also need to do the grocery shopping on my own as he refuses and will also complain there's nothing in for him to eat. I'll have to make dinner on my own and put the girls to bed on my own as usual, all while he finds a way to complain about every single thing I do. Additional things he complains about;
My job - apparently teachers sit about drinking coffee all day.
My accent.
The way I drive isn't fast enough for him so he sits me down to watch youtube videos on driving then quizzes me on them.
The way I clean the house - he sits me down to watch youtube videos on this too while calling me dirty and an embarassment.
How I look.
How I look when I get upset, he likes to call me pathetic and say I look even uglier when I cry.
How I shut the car door.
How I load the dishwasher.
How I dry the washing.
How I don't have any friends anymore.
How I don't plan anything, because everything I plan is wrong.
How I spend my money.
How there's no intimacy or anything in our bedroom anymore.

I am just completely exhausted and broken down, and just look forward to the day when I walk away from him and call him my ex.

You are so brave living like this. Dont under estimate yourself nor the long term effects on your health and that of your girls.

Please have to hand easily (but safely) your passport and other important documentation including his bank account info and overnight/next day clothes so if you need to make a quick get away.

Can I also suggest contacting Women's Aid for advice and there are apps you can put on your phone. Also there are websites like "When Georgia Smiles" which provide further advice on how to actually leave safely.

Good luck brave person.

OP I want you to listen to me very carefully. You are in a high risk situation. That means that you and your children are in danger of serious harm or death.

For your own safety and that of your children, you need to get away from this man and you need to do it now, today, right now.

Please call the National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 urgently. You need to get away from him. You need urgent help before he kills you or your children.

Please do not let him know you are planning to leave. If you can then pack a bag for yourself and your children:

Some form of identification
Birth certificates for you and your children.
Passports (including passports for all your children), visas and work permits.
Money, bankbooks, cheque book and credit and debit cards.
Keys for house, car, and place of work. (You could get an extra set of keys cut, and put them in your emergency bag.)
Cards for payment of Child Benefit and any other welfare benefits you are entitled to.
Driving licence (if you have one) and car registration documents, if applicable.
Prescribed medication.
Copies of documents relating to your housing tenure (for example, mortgage details or lease and rental agreements).
Insurance documents, including national insurance number.
Address book.
Family photographs, your diary, jewellery, small items of sentimental value.
Clothing and toiletries for you and your children.
Your children’s favourite small toys.
You should also take any documentation relating to the abuse – e.g. police reports, court orders such as injunctions and restraining orders, and copies of medical records if you have them.

Hide the bags.

Once you are away you can think about work, school, divorce, all the rest of it but the main priority here is your safety and that of your children. This man is completely out of control and you need to get away from him.

The National Domestic Violence Helpline (Women's Aid/Refuge) may place you in a refuge or advise you to get to a relative or friend. You can then work out what you're doing from there. I would phone NCDV and get an emergency non molestation order so he can't come near you but that won't be necessary if you're in a refuge, so I would take instruction from the Helpline.

Please do this as soon as you can.

Agree totally with 12345kbm you need to get out now. I'm so sorry

Yeah no more hanging about 'saving' op. Move all your important documents somewhere safe (or take them with you) and go to the police and report it. He is violent op so you can't hang around to do this bit by bit.

Get down there while the kids are in school.

'Coersive control' is classified as abuse now as is on it's own. But physically assaulting someone obviously is an arrestable offence. They will take him in for questioning. While his is gone either change the locks or go somewhere else with the kids.

Do you have supportive family? Friends? If so, tell them everything. That how you protect yourself, by exposing the monster for who he is,to everyone. Don't let him slither in the dark anymore.

@LaurieSt

Please try and leave him as soon as possible.

Do you have any friend or relative you could confide in/stay with?

I keep seeing people urging OPs to change the locks. Whilst I understand that the advice is given with good intention, it's a bad idea.

It could enrage the perpetrator and there's nothing stopping him from breaking a window and entering his own house as he has a right to live there.

As (joint) legal owner of the house, he can simply break in, change the locks and make good the repair. So really, it's dangerous as it could escalate the abuse, it alerts him to the fact she wants to leave and it's a waste of time and money.

Leaving the perpetrator is the most dangerous time for the victim. He knows where she lives and he knows her routine and where she works. Leaving and the first year after leaving are when she is most vulnerable. In some circumstances, it's better to get away than remain, at least until an injunction (Occupation Order/Non Mol) is in place.

I appreciate the advice from everyone. The reason I can't change the locks and kick him out is he's gotten me to the point where my mental health has deteriorated and I fall to bits in a confrontation. I just collapse and begin crying and shaking, so the thought of him standing outside and being furious and trying to get in makes me so anxious. I just need to leave and slip away, I plan to do it on a day where he's busy at work so I at least have a few hours to put some distance between us for a while. Same as usual this weekend though, he tells me that nothing I do is right and all I do is make mistakes, and he has to teach me how to do all the basics in life. I lived on my own before him and he's just broken my confidence down so much I feel I can't even do the basics anymore. He ranted at me for hours over the weekend, then finished off by saying I was the problem and I had fallen out of love with him and how that makes me a terrible person. I just can't believe this is my life.

So sorry you’ve had such a horrible weekend. I really empathise with the being made to feel incapable thing. Have you spoken to Womens Aid or another DV agency about your escape plan?

OP this man is going to kill you either through you taking your own life which he has driven you to before or, through violence.

You really need to find it in yourself to act. I know it's hard but you can't stay there. You need to get away from him before he completely destroys you. If you can find the strength to post on Mumsnet, you can find the strength to contact someone for support either by contacting the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or by finding your local organisation: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Can you make an appointment with your GP regarding your mental health? Perhaps explain what is happening at home.

I have a doctor's appointment soon but I'm genuinely terrified to admit out loud what's going on. There are days where I feel like I have the strength and days like today where I just feel broken. I know it's absolutely destructive and wouldn't help my case but I even feel so desperate for some contact and "care" that I've debated signing up for an app like Tinder and just messaging just so I feel like anyone else out there cares or would be willing to lie and hold me or even just ask how my day was.