alcoholic husband. please reply even to tell me to grow up and leave him!!

[mickeylou]

i have been with my husand for 5 years and we have a 2 year old son.i noticed over the last 18 months he changed in personality - we started to row all the time. my husband always drank most evenings to wind down after work. i used to enjoy sharing a bottle of wine with him to be honest. i did not think it was a problem. i did not notice he had become an alcoholic. he started being sick every day and refusing to get out of bed. he was taken into hospital but still never admitted he was drinking vodka all the time.he would really get to me when he fell asleep really early or went back to bed in the day. he said it wasnt his fault he was ill and i felt guilty for resenting him as i was working and doing everything with the house and the baby. a few months ago i snapped. he would not get out of bed and i slapped him. he put his fist thru the door in rage after i left the room. he admitted to his doctor the next day that he was an alcoholic. after 2 failed detoxes in hospital and several binges (during which he was just evil - nasty insults, hidden vodka bottles, overdoses) he has now been sober for 2 weeks. i wish it was all sorted now as i do love him but i found out last week that he had bet the equivalent of my months wages on poker. we are in debt and our house is on the market for sale! he said he was drunk and apologised. he cried and cried and begged me not to leave him. i could not bring myself to make him leave. thing is he has turned really nasty again.last night he threw the phone at the wall and kicked and wrecked a cupboard in the kitchen. today is my birthday. he did not bother getting up then complained i spent the day with my sister. he keeps accusing me of cheating on him (which i havent done) and says i am always talking about other men in my sleep (have no idea whether this is true cos i am asleep!!). he say he is leaving me tomorro!! i dont think he will follow thru but know in my mind i shud make him go. most imprtantly i dont want my son to be hurt by this.when sober he is great daddy and my son adores him.

why don't you NOT visit him in hospital and spend the time with your ds instead???

Don't mickeylou, don't feel sorry for him. He has brought all of this upon his own head.

I think I would not trust myself to visit him anyway lest I have a meltdown at him for gambling 1000 quids worth of mortgage money.

Don't visit him in hospital, he doesn't deserve it. He really really doesn't.

I know what it is like when a man is so useless you feel obliged to look after them - but please don't. He had the same chances to make his life good that you did - why should you compensate for his bad behavior?

You aren't doing anything good for your son if you encourage this man, you are just making both of them feel that the behavior is acceptable - your husband won't stop it if you keep accepting it (and to some men, anything short of ramming a red hot poker up the arse as they leave is considered accepting it!)

And as for the mortgage money, I probably understand that liquid acid feeling of impotent rage as well as anyone on this thread.

I am going to try to link you to a thread of mine, from about 2 years ago...

addicts are the most self centred and selfish people you will ever encounter - its the nature of the illness. he will never put you and the little one first while he's in the grip of this.

you cannot change him. only he can change him. what you have to decide is if you can bear to wait with him while he reaches the bottom of the pit he's in. IF you think you can expect more unreasonable behaviour, more pressure on you to cover up (from him and you), more stress, more heartache.

If you stay you need to find some selfishness of your own. Go to Al-Anon. Make rigid boundaries for yourself and him and enforce them. You need to understand that your being there makes no difference to his drinking and may even help him justify it "its not that bad or she'd have left"

If you go know this. You will never be responsible for the worst he goes through, you will never prevent him from drinking if he wants to, your not being there will not be the catalyst that either stops or keeps him drinking. You can take no guilt for what he is doing to himself.

As a child of an alcoholic I can tell you that its a very hard thing to overcome. I am always scared that I'll be found out even though I am a success by any standards. I fear someone seeing the scared girl - every day of my life. And yes, when sober my mother was a good mother. For whole days on end. and then she'd slip. and it was hell.

I dont think you should cut him out completely but you have to bear in mind that he will try and persuade you that this will happen again if he is not with you, when in fact the opposite is true, he may have placed little value on his life, but he also thought little about the impact on yours.

Make him face up to his actions, you are not his mother. I wasnt going to say any of this I was just going to say go to alanon, you will not regret it, it will be the best and most appopriate support you can get right now.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=102256#2213603

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=128281#2726799

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/132563#2809355

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/9/128446#2729845

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=138&threadid=134095#2835410

have a little read .... it took me a further 15 months to carry out my threats and throw him out.

escapefrom just finished reading! i really do hope that you are happy and settled now? i can really relate to the money problems - am having a nightmare at the mo.

he went on and on and on last year about being unhappy in his job and that we did not have enough money. he was working two jobs and he kept playing poker till all hours saying we needed the extra cash as i was on stat maternity pay which is crap and i usually earn more than him. now i dont know whether the debt we are in is genuine family stuff or gambling. he has always been a spender - not really on himself but stuff for the house we didnt need.

everybody loves my dh, my parents included. they lent him damn near 70 grand to set his business up but within weeks we find out hes drinking vodka for breakfast, then kindly driving me to work!

my house is on the market cos i inisted on it the fist time he went into detox. dont get me wrong i love my house and have no wish to lose it but ive just got to get rid of this debt hanging over my head. i have been v v stupid i just trusted him on the money front - i did not even open my own bank statements - and do you know why - you have my premission to laugh - HE IS A F*ING ACCOUNTANT!!!

i filled in an online application for my own bank acc today and am going to transfer the mortgage, council tax and so into that. then at least they will get paid. i have a loan in my own name which paid for my postgrad so wil take that with me too.

the credit cards are now all in his name - he did it before he tried to end it all - said it was so me and ds would be debt free (they arent insured so would have been left with them anyway!!)they are not going to get paid cos there is no money at all coming from him now. i will pay them all off when the house sells and if he runs more debts up after that then i guess that will be down to him to sort out.

his mum (who has lost about 2 stone in the last 2 months and is just heartbroken) keeps bailing me out and am sure she will pay the mortgage this month for me (my dad has offered to buy my house from me so i get the money quicksmart but i think my parents have handed over enough and i just feel really guilty - although i genuinely did not know he was drinking when they offered to lend the money for the business!)

anyone want a nice 3 bed semi?? xx

Hi Mickeylou, sorry you are going through such a difficult time .
I am coming from a different view point, as a child of an alcoholic father. I grew up in fear of him, constantly afraid of what he would do to my mother, me and my sister...he was violent.
I know you say your DH is'nt violent but smashing the furniture could be just the begining..I don't want to frighten you but how long before he hits you in anger.
Alcoholics are very self centerd and very manipulative..don't be sucked in by his promises..you will only be disappointed and heartbroken.
It took my mother 21 years to leave...21 years of hell..it was a combination of having nowhere to go, no one to turn to and a blind love for him. She also thouoght she was doning right by me and my sister but we would have been so much better off without him.
I have no contact with him now and that suits just fine...I'm old enough to make that decision , your DS is'nt...you have to do what is right for him.
I wish you all the best and do not envy you as I know it is not easy

[hugs] xxxxxxxxxxxx

Not sure where to start.

Go to the bank and see if you can freeze the Credit cards as this should stop any interest and non payment charges from adding to it. If you explain it all to them they should do it.
I think you should try to take the help from your parents if they can afford to do it. At least that way you can stay in the house, your ds can stay in his home and maybe when you are in a better position you might be able to buy it back from them.

You were not stupid for trusting him, FGS if you can't trust an accountant to deal with your finances then who can you. Also, you could not have forseen this, and you also could not have prevented it, so get rid of any useless guilt.
You are doing fabulously, if this were me I think I'd be reaching for the Vodka.

thanks TOD; i'm sorry that you had such a hard time of it and i hope you are happy today. as you say i definately still have the blind love and if i could only "fix him" i would be very happy. the fact is tho he cant stay sober for more than a fortnight and his behaviour when drunk is getting worse. he is definately getting more agressive.

i think i should say that i did go to the hospital tonight - to be honest i had left before reading the advice not to go.

wasnt much conversation - he is still drowsy from all the tablets he took. he looks awful - needs a wash, shave and got those awful hospital pjs on. actually asked me for a kiss when i was leaving! suprisingly i said no. i think he will definately say he will drink again if i do not let him come home. in fact i think he will threaten suicide again. i am telling myself over and over again that after 2 weeks of sobritey he CHOSE to leave our house, walk to the shop and buy vodka with money we do not have. i hate VODKA.

told his dad he is not coming home and i feel sorry for them. they love their son and dont want to see him lose his wife and child but you can tell they would tell me to run for the hills if i was their daughter.

You can't let him blackmail you into letting him back. Cos that's what it is if he says he will do it again, or drink again if you don't let him.
Tell him you need space and he needs to get his priorities straight and you will not let him in the house with your dc's if he is drinking and smashing things.
Yes I do know that it is easy for me to say that, but you just need to think of those dc's when you are saying it to him.
THEY are what is most important now not him, and if he can't see that then you need to make him see it.

Hi ML, sorry you had such a rough evening. It cant be eay seeing someone you love in that state and pleading with you..I don't know what I would do either.
You are being very strong and I admire you for that, keep your DS foremost in your mind..that might help you keep things in perspective.
As for the finances...dont be so harsh on yourself...of course you trusted him with them..he's your husband!!
As for me I am very happy at the moment..took me a long time to trust men but glad to say I met my Dh who changed my view of them.Also have DS so understand the bond too of mother and son.

thanks bandofmothers, i am hoping the house sells so i dont have to take up my dads offer. i think they would be pushing themselves to help out that much but know i am very lucky to have people who will help me out. if it doesnt sell i may have to accept the offer. also part of me would actually like a fresh start. think if i am in our home it will always be "you kicked me out" and i wud rather me and ds just have our own place that is new and free from any bad memories, until such time if ever dh sorts himself out if ever. also i dont drive (which i know i need to sort out) and i'm a bit out in the sticks here. was always dependant on dh for lifts to town and work etc.

ML

The thought needs to stay in your head that you cannot fix him. Love is not enough here, he has to want to help his own self. You cannot change someone but you can change how you yourself react.

He made a conscious choice to start drinking, that is something you need to remember as well.

If you really want to help him you must free yourselves completely from him. He will have to hit his own rock bottom and even then he may still continue to drink. There are no guarantees. His alcoholism and problem gambling are not your issues and you certainly cannot assume responsibility for his emotional well being. It is up to him whether he wants to address these or not.

Are you going to continue to visit him in hospital?. He has a captive audience with you which is what he wants, he can emotionally blackmail you from his hospital bed. Again this is characteristic of alcoholics; selfish and self centered.

As for his job an accountant with alcoholism and gambling problems is a disaster waiting to happen. I sincerely hope he hasn't embezzled any client money.

You can save yourself and your son from further misery. You need a fresh start, longer term you need to learn to drive because this will establish more independence for yourself.

I agree with what your in-laws are thinking.
My parents would completely have understood if my SIL had left my brother. We all would have, my parents used to feel guilty talking to my SIL's parents as they felt ashamed that their son wasn't looking after their daughter properly.
It is so difficult, and you do love the good part of him.
It was easier for me, my brother was the alcoholic and i could distance myself from the bad times and then take part in the good times, thereby maintaining a relationship with him.
However you son needs to be protected from the bad times, which will not happen if your DH is still in the house and drinking, and from the potential financial crisis.
Al-anon is a great idea.
Don't get sucked into the emotional blackmail, it will not be your fault if he starts drinking again, it is his, although it hard to fight these feelings.
Post here, it will help, you are not alone.

I grew up with an alcoholic dad, and i still to this day can remember lots of horrible things he did to my mum, i'm now 42 and as i sit here i could cry for your son, my mum had the courage to do it, you can too please before it is too late

Hi ML, Just to let you know you really are not alone in all this. I know exactly what it is like to be in this position.

You really must get help for yourself, you absolutely must give Al Anon a call; the General Service Office no. is 0207 4030888.

They will give you the contact no. of someone from Al Anon near where you live. Please please please go, and Keep On Going Back for at least 6 weeks before you make up your mind whether it is for you or not.

You can go as many meetings as you like. You will find that you will be with people who are going through exactly what you are going through. What you mustn't do, however, is go to Al Anon expecting to have/be given all the answers on a plate on the first visit. Just listen and learn. Al Anon is for you, not your DP

I've been to hell and back - I won't go into details but I could just as well be married to your DP...they display exactly the same traits when they have this illness/sickness. I've been going to Al Anon for 8 months.

You didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Good luck and please please ring them.

Hi ML, Hope you are keeping well, just checking in to see how you and Ds are.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi ML - it CAN work out! My DH has now been in recovery for two years and I am very proud of him even though we still have problems. Like no money. We too had to sell our home. Remember a few things.
No one will understand why you stick with him unless they have been through it themselves. Alcoholism is an ILLNESS. You wouldn't leave someone because they had cancer, why leave an alcoholic! It makes me mad. Contact Al anon, yes. Read the series of books by Toby Rice Drew called Getting Them Sober and get on the website and messageboard - a lifesaver! Remember one thing - detox is usually useless without rehab! Get him into rehab! Get social services on side - but there is very little provision, depends where you live. If you can possibly afford send him privately. This got me my DH back but it is still a long haul and we still take it day by day. E-mail me if you want to talk.

HI all thanks for your messages. i am ok. much better than i was a few days ago. did not go to the hospital thursday and spent yesterday with ds and my sister and her ds's. was a good day depite alot of "where my daddy at??"

have had a few texts from dh saying how much he misses us and wants to come home. went up last night and he knows i wont be having him back at home until he can get sober and stay that way for a protracted period of time. have far from ended the marriage but told him he can spend time with us as a family provided he is sober, but we need a space away from him. also said i need my finances to be completely seperate. i do still love him and am not ready to walk away entirely but as alot have you have quite rightly said i have to put ds first and i dont want him growing up thinking its normal for his dad to shout and break things and make me cry.

will go to alanon this week. my mother in law has been once so knows meetings time etc.she said she did not get much out of it but to be fair she only went once and she went in the first couple of weeks when we did not have a clue just how bad it was going to get.

my mum is on hols at moment. she has offered to come home but i dont want her to spoil her time away - she looks after all her grandkids through the week and needs a rest. i know she will be worrying about me tho.they have offered again to help me sort out the house/money side of things when they get back. know i am v lucky and it has lifted a lot of the worry.

had a bit of interest in the house and now watching go diego go with gorgeous ds so things not all bad! hoping for a good day today.

xxx

MO2B

"No one will understand why you stick with him unless they have been through it themselves. Alcoholism is an ILLNESS. You wouldn't leave someone because they had cancer, why leave an alcoholic! It makes me mad."

Cancer does not, generally, cause you to roll in drunk every single day of your child's life. It does not affect your ability to make rational decisions, and the incidence of wife and child beating in cancer patients is, I believe, not higher than in the average population. The same cannot be said for alcoholics. cancer patients don't tend to vomit all over your kitchen at 3 am ... three times a week ... and deny all knowledge of it. Cancer doesn't seem to have the same correlation with gambling and violent behavior that alcoholism does, and doesn't cause the same loss of inhibitions that may make someone try to get off with a barmaid under their wife's nose.

Cancer doesn't tend to flag up on a health professional's radar when presented with child neglect and abuse in the same way that alcoholism does.

All in all, yes. Alcoholism is a disease. And it's a hideous disease, ruining lives and killing peole. But to put alcoholics in the same league as cancer sufferers is to serve cancer sufferers a grave injustice.

Mickeylou - well done. You've been very brave.

MO2B

Re yoru comment:-
"Alcoholism is an ILLNESS. You wouldn't leave someone because they had cancer, why leave an alcoholic!"

To save your own self I would say.

Your cancer analogy apart from being a poor one is also, to be frank, an insulting one. I would second everything that Escapefrom has said in her post.

Your story is an exception to the rule; the differences with your good self is that seemingly your husband actively sought help - and more importantly wanted to be helped. I am glad your husband continues to do well.