When to give up

[Tired20]

I’ve been in a relationship around 7 years and have a 3 yo DD and 2 DSD.I met DP in a different city but relocated a few years ago to make seeing his DD easier and avoid the double life we were living. This meant leaving my job, home, friends and being even further from my own family (parents, siblings) but was definitely the right choice to make things easier for seeing DSDs.
However now all my DP and i do is bicker and row. He’s very hands off with parenting of all 3 children, especially the youngest who he rarely baths, dresses, puts to bed etc. In the space of a few years I feel like I’ve lost everything I worked for career wise and am now a full on parent of 3 and completely unappreciated by everyone which makes the bickering even more painful. Today I spent ages cleaning the kitchen only to find people had dumped plates on the top of the dishwasher rather than put them in the (empty) dishwasher. When pointing this out to DP he said I should first comment on the fact he’d brought some of them into the kitchen in the first place. I tried to explain this still leaves me to finish the job but he didn’t seem to understand my point at all.
It’s such small stuff but it’s constant. I feel like I’ve swapped a career, a perfectly happy life and friends to be incredibly lonely. However I could never bring myself to split up the DSD and DD by going back to my home city and also don’t want to have to leave DD for any time at all. I feel very stuck.
Is this just normal feeling for such big life changes?

I would have smashed the plates on the floor personally. That’s just so fucking rude it’s crazy.
The only thing I can suggest is sit down and have a proper talk saying everything you’ve said here. If that doesn’t work at least you know where you stand.

Well, you should feel grateful that he brought the plates into the kitchen. After all, it's women's work, lowly work and that's why you're there. Don't shirk now OP!

You can either remain there, as a lonely, unappreciated drudge or move back to where you were happy and fulfilled.

It helps to hear I’m not being unreasonable. I feel like it’s grinding me down so much that I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. We really struggle to communicate about any of it. It becomes a tennis match - whatever I bring up he simply bats back with something barely relevant against it. I can’t ever get a simple ‘sorry’ or even an acknowledgement of anything without having to take some form of criticism back as compensation. E.g if I push the dishwasher issue, he’ll want to make me acknowledge some other form of cleaning I don’t do properly. I just want him to see how much I’ve taken on and to feel like we’re in this together.

If it was for my DD I’d move on for sure. I used to earn twice what he did and was so independent in my life. I know I’m no longer who he met which is probably the catch22 here.

Never wrestle with a pig, you'll get dirty and the pig will like it.

He doesn't care OP. Someone who loves you, cares about you and wants what's best for you, doesn't treat you like an indentured servant. He's got someone to do the 'wifework' and he's happy as hell. Your 'nagging' is just background noise, easily faded out.

Start researching separation/divorce and get your daughter out of there before she ends up with someone similar.

I know that’s the right thing to do for me but I’m so conscious the DSD have gone through a separation before (a messy one) and I don’t know if I could bring myself to put them through something similar again. The DD and DSD are so incredibly close. If I moved home I’d be hours and hours away and it would totally change their relationship. Equally having seen how hard it is for their mum to manage the shared custody, I dread getting into that situation myself.

Couples counselling might be a safe place for you both to talk.

Yes that might be a good option. I feel like I need help making sure the conversation leads to positive change on both sides, rather than a row.

You're obviously not quite there yet. You're near snapping point but not ready to leave.

I'd start making enquiries. Doesn't do any harm to take some steps such as looking for work, finding a suitable place to live and working out the finances. Doesn't do any harm at all.

Something can be worked out, with the step children such as regular Skype chats, visits to your place once you're sorted. You can't stay in that miserable situation for much longer and it's all going to go tits up eventually. It's just a matter of when, so you may as well start making plans.

It sounds like you carry the mental load and domestic drudgery and he shows zero respect for that role.

It is worth trying couples counselling to see if it can be sorted. That way if it doesn't work out you know you tried.

Do you get equal leisure time and equal money to spend on yourself?

What are your h's good points, op? What do you love about him? What does he do for you?

From what you have written he sounds lazy and disrespectful. Did he used to pull his weight at home?

He did used to pull his weight. It was one of the things I liked about him. After years of dating men who seemed to never want to grow up, it was nice to meet someone who acted responsibly and cared for people. It’s all changed since we moved and probably since I lost my sense of worth.
I just tried to suggest some kind of 3rd party help to see if we can communicate a bit better and he started shouting at me in earshot of the children how he has to hold back from telling me all the stuff I do wrong and that this is all just me over analysing everything. It starting to make me feel a bit mad - like it is all my fault. The only reason I haven’t totally collapsed in self disgust is that I know his ex felt a lot of the same things and even his family comment on his lack of empathy.
I don’t want to leave because I don’t want to split up the children and I’m not sure I can even go back to being as self sufficient as I once was after all this.

What really hurts now is that he’s gone back in to sit with the children watching a film and I can hear him making a real effort, like he’s fun dad and I’m some moany nag. The DSC will always side with him, as they should, and my DC is so young that they just go along with it. So instead I’m left feeling like an outsider. The only solution is never to speak up.

That sounds horrific. I’m sorry.
There’s not a lot one can say other than you really don’t deserve to be treated like this.

But. STAY strong. Don’t let him feel like he’s won.
Go in and watch the fucking film too. Don’t let him feel like you’re not part of the family.

Ok after his response

Run for f*cking hills.

Thank you @aroundtheworldyet. I do feel very lonely in my own home. I agree I probably need to try to snap out of it at least so he can’t see he’s broken me, and the children don’t start getting some warped sense of this being a normal way to live. Thank you for listening.

How people resolve conflict is a make or break for a relationship. He is diverting, it doesn't matter whether you do X or Y if you are talking about Z.

This is just point scoring, he has to win, and if an argument or discussion is about winning the argument then your relationship as it stands is doomed.

Why on earth would you stay? What would be so bad about returning to your family and starting again there, after all you did all that for him, how about you do it for you?

Maybe counselling would help. If you like there is a Dr Phil podcast called Phil in the blanks and he does a whole relationship section called How fun are you to live with? It talks about winning, point scoring, negative comments about your partner etc. Might be helpful to have a listen.

How old are the DSC by the way because in a primary school any child from reception age up collects a tray, gets their food, then after eating takes their tray back, empties their glass, puts it in the glass bucket, scrapes their food into the scraps bin and stacks their tray putting their cutlery into the cutlery bin. At 4 years old. If they do this in school why can they not scrape a plate and put it in the dishwasher?

@confidingfish - thank you, I will definitely check out that podcast. I think our challenge is that we are extreme ends of a scale - he openly lacks empathy and I am a terrible over-analyser. That’s why I’d genuinely be very open to seeing a 3rd party or getting advice to see if we can bridge gaps. How you’ve described it is spot on - there is a lot of point scoring and if that’s on both sides without me being conscious of it, I’d happily look at positive solutions.

The DC aren’t really part of the issue at all. The DSC are never and have never been difficult and are far better behaved than I ever was with my parents! However they are hitting teenage years and so yes they are a bit lazy as most kids are their age. Hence my dishwasher comment wasn’t a full on nag, simply a ‘can we all make a bit more effort’. I get that parenting is a bit thankless at times and the pain here comes from not having a partner who can emphasise and maybe be appreciative of what I do for everyone. I don’t think anything in our family life is unusual - it’s just DP and I can’t seem to deal with any bumps in a normal way.

Before I meet my husband I had a good job, friends, family etc. Now I m a lonely stay a home mum, who barely speak to anyone or see anyone.... 🙄 All I do is cleaning, washing, cooking and changing nappies... 🙄

I am so sorry but I think his behaviour is very typical of a toxic man.

You moved and gave up independence and what he "valued" in you is no longer there. Toxic or disordered individuals don't develop connections (relationships are more akin to transactions) and as you noted have no empathy. He is reacting to criticisms, even if justified, with DARVO.

I am not surprised he has had high conflict with his 1st wife and you could use that as a template for how he might treat you.

You mention partner, so you are not married? What is the house situation?

Unfortunately you need to be aware that he could challenge you in court if you try to move without his agreement however you might need to do it of your support network is there. You need to remember you are a capable woman and will be able to rebuild.

Start a journal and read books. I would not recommend counselling as it is usually not effective but I think you might need to try it to know you have tried everything.

The best approach is to just not react to his criticisms of you. Raise your requests such as the dishwasher but don't engage further as it won't be effective and will just drain you. Save your energy for rebuilding your life

Thank you @techway - this is very insightful and good advice. No we are not married, something I initially regretted but now not so much! Financially I’m in an ok position - I still solely own my old home which is now rented out and whilst we co own a house here, I still have my life savings in a bank account, which is/was intended for renovation work. So on paper, this is an easy one to reverse but in practice and with children involved it much harder. It frustrates me that I’m so backed into a corner in these situations when I know in the past I was a strong person.

You are still a strong person. You’ve got the reserves there somewhere.
I don’t know if you get on with his ex, or consider her a friend, but she might be worth talking to. But only if she’s a friend and won’t talk to him

The step daughters aren't your concern, harsh but true. They have a mother. Your responsibility is to your own child. Based on what you have written here, a competent solicitor and barrister could make a reasonable case for relocation to family court (family support, ability to work, a home to move into, his behaviour to you over extended period of time and parentally alienating behviours), but you'll have to (secretly) get advice first.

You can't save the DSDs, save your own child.

Also, well done for not marrying him or combining assets. That will be your saving grace.