When to give up

[Tired20]

I’ve been in a relationship around 7 years and have a 3 yo DD and 2 DSD.I met DP in a different city but relocated a few years ago to make seeing his DD easier and avoid the double life we were living. This meant leaving my job, home, friends and being even further from my own family (parents, siblings) but was definitely the right choice to make things easier for seeing DSDs.
However now all my DP and i do is bicker and row. He’s very hands off with parenting of all 3 children, especially the youngest who he rarely baths, dresses, puts to bed etc. In the space of a few years I feel like I’ve lost everything I worked for career wise and am now a full on parent of 3 and completely unappreciated by everyone which makes the bickering even more painful. Today I spent ages cleaning the kitchen only to find people had dumped plates on the top of the dishwasher rather than put them in the (empty) dishwasher. When pointing this out to DP he said I should first comment on the fact he’d brought some of them into the kitchen in the first place. I tried to explain this still leaves me to finish the job but he didn’t seem to understand my point at all.
It’s such small stuff but it’s constant. I feel like I’ve swapped a career, a perfectly happy life and friends to be incredibly lonely. However I could never bring myself to split up the DSD and DD by going back to my home city and also don’t want to have to leave DD for any time at all. I feel very stuck.
Is this just normal feeling for such big life changes?

It’s all changed since we moved and probably since I lost my sense of worth.

So, as soon as the balance of power shifted in his favour and you were isolated and dependent the mask fell?

You're describing coercive control, when all the little component parts are looked at together.

What were your previous relationships and childhood like that this seems normal to you?

To pick on just one small aspect, decent human beings apologise and then alter their behaviour when they screw up - they don't attack or manipulate.

Please don't underestimate how much damage it will cause your daughter to grow up in this environment, where she too will be walking on eggshells, wondering if this is her fault, thinking it's normal for men who say they love you to treat women how you're being treated. Sooner or later what he's doing to you he will do to her.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thank you for all the comments. It hugely helps being able to put it in writing and not feel totally mad. I hadn’t really appreciated the legal issues of moving away (if that did become my only choice) so I’ll definitely (quietly) research that one. His ex convinced him to move home before they broke up (the city where we now live) and I can now understand why...
I do totally understand the impact these situations have on children - I grew up with a very dominant and controlling parent (mother) and it has definitely effected how I have approached life as an adult. Which potentially relates to this too... hmm.
Thank you all - this has been quite therapeutic and helpful to know that these aren’t isolated behaviours.