How did you work it out if you want another baby and husband doesn't?

[loveandsparkles]

I've been worrying over this for a while, I always wanted three children my husband knew this and he said for me to go to preconceptual counselling last August as I had to find out if I was allowed another c section, they were incredibly supportive and I can he knew I wanted to try this year, I'm 39. There are other parts of our relationship that are great and some that I'd like to improve I go to counselling on my own to help me he didn't want to come. I'm now really broody he said to go to the doctors if I wanted to ask them if I needed to do anything else (age, higher strength folic acid) they were supportive I came away with a script for folic acid. He now thinks I've rushed him he's not ready but we've been talking about this for a year and I'm worried he will never be ready. His reason is that he's tired, he's overweight and snores and won't take vitimins. I just feel a bit lost, I've tried writing him a letter today as he doesn't listen when I talk about how I feel. Do I just give up trying and hoping for a baby? Or do I have to learn to accept this or just wait? Just feel a bit lost

You have to both want this.
If he won't discuss it or listen to you then I'm not sure where you go from here.
He won't engage in counselling.
What are you supposed to do to get this sorted out?

In that case you have to go with the one who doesn’t want another child. It’s the only ethical thing to do.

I’m sorry, I know it’s really hard when you feel that yearning for another baby.

I think there are a few issues at play

You dont communicate well

He is moving the goalposts about what you need to do first

You think there are issues in your relationship

To me, from what you've said, he doesn't want another child full stop and is coming up with different excuses as to why (you need to do x y z first, he needs to lose weight first etc etc).

I'm not sure what the answer is, and it's difficult if he wont do counselling, so maybe writing a letter is a good idea. I think you need to also have a frank conversation and ask him if realistically he thinks he will ever be ready.

I was actually in the same position as you but for our second. I said I wouldn't give him an ultimatum about a second, but I would probably always feel like there was something missing, as we'd always talked about 'kids' not 'a child' so I'd always thought we'd have two.

He did change his mind and now he loves her but to be honest I did want one so much that I didnt really listen to his concerns properly and he was right about how much harder work it would be and he was right to worry about how we would cope (we have both found it a struggle) and I just kind of dismissed these concerns as I wanted it so much rather than listening and acknowledging them. So in hindsight I felt he wasnt listening to me but I probably wasnt listenjnf to him either

I wanted a second and DH didn't. Ultimately I didn't feel it was fair to force him so we have one child. It took a long time for me to accept that I'd never be pregnant again, never have a baby again, never... but I got there.

FWIW I think I did the right thing. I don't think he'd have adapted well to the changes and demands another child would have created and I don't know how much harm that would have done to "us". As it is, I'm sad about it. But I'm not devastated and I have a lovely life with one fantastic child so I can't complain too much.

I think you need a conversation where he is completely honest about whether he's saying yes, no for now or no, and then you can work out how you feel about it and where you go from there. It does rely on honesty from him though!

I accepted it.

If we split I wouldn't absolutely rule out having a second with another dp but I'm 43 now donuts unlikely.

I resent him to some extent now though but that's only of several problems.

I wanted a second though, not a third. Tbh I'd be thankful of having two.

*so it's unlikely (not donuts!)

Hmm I would have a serious talk with him. My dh always said we would have 3 but then dragged his feet a while. But after a few years I said it’s now or never and got really upset. He realised that I really really wanted a third and it was time, so we went for it. At first I think he was nervous about it, but 3 weeks in he has bonded and happy etc.

Thanks I don't know if I've been unreasonable for putting the pressure on asking for him to make a decision I almost felt like if he didn't want one now then he's unlikely to want one in the future and I need to know that so I can get my head around it, I appreciate the comments that it has to be the one that doesn't want another that gets listened to because I've been thinking that he mustn't love me if he doesn't want any more I think I've been harsh and haven't listened to him

Sorry, i was in this situation and if im honest... i just pestered the shit out of him until he relented.
We have had IVF, 4 rounds to get DS (3 babies lost)
I knew i wasnt done, he knew too.
His reasons are valid, as was mine.

Since, we have had 2 more rounds of IVF, just had a chemical pregnancy and about to have frozen transfer.
Sometimes i wish i had started again, all the money that has gone into it, its been alot tougher emotionally this time but i knew id regret not trying.

He seems to be sending you all round the houses with this which i think is unfair and cruel.
I also think why should you settle and let go of what you want, if he isnt doing the same.

sometimes i wish i hadnt started again

Thanks soft scoop he's had me in tears he said he didn't want any more then I said why have you made a fool of me going to the gp for folic acid then he changed his mind and said I haven't said never but that's what he just said. I'm just soooooo confused!

ultimately I accepted it - my dh had an instinctual gut level feeling against having any more from the moment we conceived dc2 though, and as time has gone on, now I know we wouldn't have gotten through having another one. I didn't want to choose being divorced with 3 over being together with 2. It gets easier as time goes on, usually.

As the pp mentioned some men give in if you pester enough. My friend did this and I basically did as well. Not relentless pestering, but adding it in comments or talking about it like it’s going to happen etc. I’m pretty sure we will stay at 3, but I’ve left it open for a 4th again, with the little comments or for example we are cleaning out our closets and I asked DH “should I toss all my maternity clothes or keep a few just in case?” And he agreed we keep a few just in case. But if I didn’t pester etc I’m sure he would have gladly stayed at two. It goes both ways. I have a friend who would have stayed at two, but her dh was adamant he always wanted 3.

I wanted another; my husband didn't.

He gets the final say in decisions but is obliged to decide according to what is best for me & our child - I know most MNers would be horrified by that, but it's part of our biblical beliefs.

He decided we should try for more. Sadly I miscarried, but we plan to try again once I'm recovered. It was never a source of tension, just something to be discussed and decided.

As I've read more of what you've written (sorry, I took ages typing), it's clear you're having such a hard time. I'm sorry. I hope things get a lot easier and clearer.

Mamabear this is what I planned to do but I also have a hernia that I'd like repairing and I can't do so until I've had another baby as the mesh I was advised may tear if I had it repaired before I had more children so I just feel I don't have a lot of time left and I just wanted to know if it was likely to happen or if I should just get my hernia repaired so I just feel in limbo xx

I hate my hernia and was told it's ok to have another child it might not worsen much more during pregnancy but I have been told it needs repairing once I have finished having children because it does carry a small risk of obstructing if left unrepaired

Mamabear I've kept everything in the loft can't bring myself to throw anything away!!

From what you've said here, he's been clear but unfair.

he's had me in tears he said he didn't want any more

He doesn't want anymore yet. He doesn't know if he ever will. Right now it's a no, but he's not closed off to it in the future.

Realistically you have to decide if you can live with that. Is it easier for you to say no more, have the hernia op and get used to not having 3? Is it better to talk to the doctor and see how much healing time the hernia would take; explaining that you might be done but might not?

I don't cope well with limbo so I'd hate this, and I'd be pretty angry for all the stupid obstacles and tests your husband has used to avoid telling you the truth, but it seems you have it now.

I wish I had the magic answer OP, I'm in a similar situation at the moment. We have one child and had always discussed that when he reached 2 we'd start trying for a second (and final) child. We started TTC #2 and then five months in DH suddenly announced that he'd decided that actually he doesn't want to have another child at all. It's left me devastated partly as I've always wanted two children and partly as he waited until I'd gone through five months of getting my hopes up for a bfp every time before saying anything.

I've spoken to a therapist today with the idea of seeing them by myself once and then with my husband as its put a huge strain on our relationship over the last few months and I don't know how to accept twh situation. Sending you caring thoughts and hope you find a way forward x

I wish I had an answer for you op. I always wanted 3, dp knew and had previously "agreed" to 3. He also knew I was desperate for a son. We had 2dds. I nearly died both times and nearly lost both of my children - terrible complications and some shite care from various professionals. After the 2nd he said no more. He broke my heart! But I knew in reality that I was lucky. Lucky to be alive and lucky to have 2 gorgeous girls. Lucky to have such a caring partner at my side. He couldn't bare to watch me go through it again what would happen if this time I did die? Or lost the baby at birth? He also admitted he struggled mentally when they were born. Doing it again would have ended us.
It took me a long time to come to terms that I would not have another child or even have a son, but we both agreed it was for the best. I do occasionally still feel broody around new babies, especially with boys. But it passes. If I had pushed him I would have split our family up.

The reality is if you push him you may loose him. It is hard I know, but being a single parent is bloody hard too. Would you want to end up a single parent? Would you want him to resent the baby? To resent you? I don't mean to sound harsh but that's the likely hood of what would happen.
It was wrong of him to "lead you on" but you both really need to be on the same page. Get a babysitter, go somewhere quiet and have a real in depth discussion.

I wanted a third. He didn't. I kept mentioning it. He said no. So I stopped. He said I looked sad and I said I'd just have to get over it.

Long story short I'm BF her now.

But. He always said he wanted a football team. But DD was sent from the 4th level of hell to test us. She is either going to rule the world or destroy it. It's 50/50.
He said he wasn't prepared for her and she put him off anymore.
He didn't want to be 50 and still be 'parenting'
He wasn't that into the pregnancy. But he was crying the first time he held her and now is obsessed with her.

If he is adamant he doesn't want more there's not a lot you can do. I would back off and not mention it for a while. That worked for me.

Thanks for the advice ladies, I feel a bit exhausted with emotion just going to go to bed and concentrate on being a mum to the two perfect children I already have xx

You can’t force this unfortunately. I was the same , wanting a third but my husband really didn’t want to . I had to accept it and be grateful that we had two - he only wanted one originally so that was the compromise. He had a vasectomy and in some ways it helped as it drew the line altogether .

I meant to reply softscoop that I hope that the next stage of ivf for you is successful, I admire parents who go through ivf I have friends who have done it and it must be a rollercoaster of emotions I hope that things do work out for you xxxxx