How did you work it out if you want another baby and husband doesn't?

[loveandsparkles]

I've been worrying over this for a while, I always wanted three children my husband knew this and he said for me to go to preconceptual counselling last August as I had to find out if I was allowed another c section, they were incredibly supportive and I can he knew I wanted to try this year, I'm 39. There are other parts of our relationship that are great and some that I'd like to improve I go to counselling on my own to help me he didn't want to come. I'm now really broody he said to go to the doctors if I wanted to ask them if I needed to do anything else (age, higher strength folic acid) they were supportive I came away with a script for folic acid. He now thinks I've rushed him he's not ready but we've been talking about this for a year and I'm worried he will never be ready. His reason is that he's tired, he's overweight and snores and won't take vitimins. I just feel a bit lost, I've tried writing him a letter today as he doesn't listen when I talk about how I feel. Do I just give up trying and hoping for a baby? Or do I have to learn to accept this or just wait? Just feel a bit lost

Ilovemyhairbeingstrojed thanks for sharing I'm worrying a bit tonight that this maybe what will happen and I feel all churned up with emotion I'm relieved you say this gets easier xxx

I had so many lovely replies thanks everyone. Mummabubs I hope your counselling helps my counsellor is lovely and has really helped me I'm seeing her for my last appointment next week then I'm having a break as she wants me to focus on the techniques she's been teaching me xxx

loveandsparkles, we do get broody, that's perfectly natural but you're not going to be broody all the time for the rest of your life. Your husband doesn't want another child so I really do not think it would be fair to push for one.

You are very blessed to have two children but you know that already.

You never know he may come around he joked today the kids were 'easy' as I was sat doing some work for work and he'd whipped up lunch and tidied up around them. I said oh you'll be fine with three then he laughed then was suspiciously doing budgeting spreadsheets this afternoon :)

Wouldnt suit me at all and in time I would resent him and probably leave the relationship in the end.

Thank you loveandsparkles. I'm really glad you've found therapy helpful. I'm at a complete impass to be honest as I'm noticing more and more how little he's involved in any play or emotional stuff with DS (he will do practical stuff when asked every time but has really surprised me with his attitude to parenting. He says he's not motivated to play with DS and parenting a young child is boring... But he does still love him. It's all just making me realise that even if he were to change his mind about having another I couldn't rely on him to be involved- he told me as much this evening). 🤦🏻‍♀️ Relationships are complicated things aren't they.

Mumabubs could he get involved in other aspects if he finds play difficult like a weekly trip to the park or he was doing swimming lessons? I'm lucky my husband is hands on but a lot of things he leaves to me development, health, learning some play he plays but more in a sort of letting them play themselves and he just supervises xxx

Honestly, any kind of sustained play really, even the fun stuff- he'll do it for 20 mins max and then gets bored and seems to decide that's his 'play shift' done for the day. He's a good man at heart and I know he's not happy with how much he's struggling but my less compassionate inner voice says he needs to feel the ambivalence and do it anyway for our son's sake. Work in progress...

Hope you get some clearer ideas about what the future holds for you soon x

Update: he seems to have come around we were talking this morning about it and he said he was a bit worried as to the cost of three children but we have a good joint income he's been budgeting and told me where we'd need to cut back. He has said that he wants to discuss a few more points and work it all out he's a sort of logical man rather than someone that goes with his heart he had got confused about school dates I'd wanted to time it so I was still on mat leave to settle my eldest in at school but he got muddled with timings I think he just might need a bit more time to work it all out in his head so I'm feeling much better and that things are more promising x

I wanted more, ex dp did not. Eventually it ate me up, resentment, what if, wasted years etc. I'm currently nursing my 3 week old DD that I have with new DP. I couldn't get past not having another. Depends how deeply you feel about having another one

Why do all you women let a man decide what’s going to happen with your fertility/life? Who made them God? The answer is nobody. Imagine you are 90 and on your death bed? Aren’t you going to regret not having those children you so desperately wanted surrounding you? Your going to live the rest of your life without those children. Just because some bloke says no?!? Why don’t you just do it on your own? Fulfilling your dreams and having what you want out of life trumps the wishes of some bloke who can decide to have more kids at any point up until he’s 70! Do what you want with your life. If the bloke now doesn’t want the kids you actually discussed and decided together then say “well I’m sorry to hear you’ve changed your mind. I haven’t so I’ll be going it alone. I trust you’ll be finding somewhere else to live ASAP so I can get on with the pregnancy”

I cants speak for everyone but I wanted a third.
Which meant I had two fantastic children with my husband before that.

Who the hell in their right mind would rip their families apart for the want of a third child?!
That's not controlling my fertility. That's making a massive life decision with the man I've built a family with.

My first responsibility was to my existing children. My want for another child came last.

@powow it’s not about man vs woman. If one party doesn’t want another child (or any), their vote counts more. It’s not right to bring an unwanted child into the world as part of a relationship. If the woman is desperate for another child against the wishes of her husband, she needs to decide if she wants another child more than she wants to be with him. If a man wants a child and his wife doesn’t, then she gets the veto vote and he has to decide whether he wants a child more than he wants to be with her. That’s the only ethical way to proceed.

Oh oops that’ll teach me to read the whole comment - I do broadly agree with you. But many times, upon careful consideration, the party that wanted another child realises that actually, they are happy and fulfilled within the situation, and another child is not the be all and end all. Many times the family and husband/wife you already have trumps an idealised vision of the ‘perfect family’.

I brought it up over time until my DH agreed. It took longer for him to agree then with our first two. I think he hoped I wasn't really serious about it but once he realized how much it mattered to me he agreed. He didn't hate the concept of three children just the idea of another baby. We both don't enjoy the baby stages very much but we're thrilled with our three and absolutely on the same page that we don't want a fourth.

Have the third baby. I didn't and it's still affecting our relationship 13 years later. We both deeply regret it now.

@powow I'm confused about why you think it's so easy to "do it on your own"

Also, some people really value their relationships, funnily enough! It's not difficult to imagine that some women would rather have 2 children with the man they love than 3 children without him. I don't think that's a case of women diminishing their desires in line with men's whims, more women making difficult (but realistic) decisions.

Well he's been chatting more about how it will work has been quite supportive this week of me feeling a bit low (period) bought some ovulation kits today will just see what happens at least we are talking and I know it will either happen or it won't x

Rachel1350 this is what I'm worried about and husband knows this I think he is considering my feelings now x