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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I tell my friend about her boyfriend ?

32 replies

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 09:05

My friend has been with her boyfriend on and off for about 5 years now, and they have a 2 year-old daughter. We have always been a little concerned he's bad news, he's shown himself as racist and homophobic and didn't have a steady job at first, and he drives alone with only a provisional.
But our friend loves him and we know it's her choice. An issue is that he's made it clear he fancies me. The first time I was at their house he seemed very awkward around me and literally the minute I set foot out of the door I had a friend request from him, and a message saying I could come round 'whenever I wanted'.

He's a handyman and once I asked about fixing a crevice I had in my wall and he replied, "send me a picture of your hole 😜😜"
He started to like a few of my pictures on social media. One day I woke up to a message from him saying, "your hot ;)" with the wrong spelling.

I ignored it then he sent a second wink. I replied saying that was highly inappropriate and disrespectful to his girlfriend and he replied he had been 'hacked' or a virus or something along those lines (yeah right) and would 'never do that to his girlfriend and daughter'.

A few months ago I got my hair done and he commented 'gorgeous' on 2 of my photos then private messaged me to say what an 'excellent decision' my new hair was. I just ignored it.

The other week he messaged me saying 'hey' and I ignored it.

This morning he's gone through and 'loved' 5 of my photos on Facebook, all photos of me. Some of them are from months ago meaning he's been looking through them.

I'm fed up of him and if it were my boyfriend I would want to know. The reason I haven't is because they have a young daughter. I know they are on and off but they are back together now and I don't want to break up a family. I have some screenshots to prove it but she may turn against me still. No idea what to do.

OP posts:

loobyloo1234 · 03/01/2020 09:10

Eurgh what a creep. Tell your friend

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 09:12

I've had this dilemma for 2 years now if not more. My other friends think i shouldn't tell her but if it were my boyfriend Id want to know.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2020 09:13

Blimey, just block him!
Tell him in a final message that you love your DF and you are blocking him because if he continues you will have to tell your DF what he has been up to.
I'm not sure I'd want to tell her TBH.
Tell him to sort himself out and then block.

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 09:14

Ive blocked him on messenger now. I havent blocked him altogether because I think it would make it too obvious. I might now send him that message, that's a good idea.

OP posts:

category12 · 03/01/2020 09:15

Yeah, blocking him is the simplest answer.

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 09:15

He's maybe doing it to others too. He's just a creep and I hope he gets found out.

OP posts:

Mrsmummy90 · 03/01/2020 09:17

Part of me thinks she definitely should know but then the other part is saying to just block and leave it alone. It's a tough one.

Glad you've blocked him now. What an utter creep.

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 09:19

It is because I wonder if she's got no idea what he's like. If it were my boyfriend I would want to know so I could make my own decision.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 09:19

To be fair, if he's 'love'ing some of your posts and commenting 'gorgeous' he's doing that publicly. Maybe that's just the way he is. Calling you gorgeous is more inappropriate than messaging to say your hair was a good decision IMO.

The 'your hot ;)' is out of order - how long ago was that? It's a bit weird to tell your friend now if it was a while ago.

Has he ever tried it on?

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 09:21

I mean he messaged saying, 'wow, new hair, excellent decision !!' i couldn't imagine another girl's boyfriend doing that to me, I'm not even friends with him and don't speak to him.
It was 2 years ago and I didn't say anything as they had recently had a baby.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 09:24

No I agree that what he's doing is inappropriate I just worry that you'll tell your friend and he'll convince her it's you that's in the wrong because there's somehow not 'enough' there for her to break up with him, if that makes sense?

NotStayingIn · 03/01/2020 09:24

I havent blocked him altogether because I think it would make it too obvious.

But wouldn’t that solve both your problems! One: you’re shot of his unwanted attention online. Two: if your friend notices and asks you’ve been given the perfect way to explain why, and also tell her that you’ve tried to deal with it.

Not blocking him could be misconstrued by her that you either secretly like the attention or are encouraging it. Block.

1CantPickAName · 03/01/2020 09:25

Don’t tell your friend, the messenger always gets shot. Plus, he hasn’t actually propositioned you, even though we all know what he really wants!

Take screenshots of everything, send him a message telling him that he’s a creep and if you ever find out he’s cheated on your friend, you will tell her and you will also tell her if he sends you anymore inappropriate messages. Then block him on all social media and carry on your friendship with your friend, don’t get involved in her relationship.
If she ever does question why you’ve blocked him, you can tell her that he made you feel uncomfortable and if she pushes it, you have the screenshots.

Frenchw1fe · 03/01/2020 09:25

I wouldn't tell your friend because she'll blame you not him.
Just tell him clearly to stop being inappropriate. Then block him on everything and if your friend asks why then tell her.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/01/2020 09:30

Everyone shoots the messenger. Just block him.

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 09:31

Thanks for the help I feel better. He is now blocked everywhere, I thought he would stop because I kept ignoring him but clearly not. If she asks why I will simply tell her.

OP posts:

Brig93 · 03/01/2020 09:32

I would want to know

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/01/2020 09:35

Another vote for not telling your friend but just blocking him.

Blocking him is the simplest way of sorting this out, anything else could he seen as encouraging him.

My Sister has a similar thing with one of our Cousin's Husbands. We met at a family do. She hadn't even travelled home when he started sending her messages. A simple message saying "I'm happily married thank you and even if I wasn't, then YOU are in a relationship with my cousin" and then she blocked him.

No need for drama and it was sorted.

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 09:37

Im glad he's blocked now. I'd want to know too as a PP mentioned but it's so awkward, but it does make you wonder how many other men do this and their partner has no idea.

OP posts:

WhatToDo999 · 03/01/2020 10:10

its a tough one. I was in a similar predicament with my friend and her boyfriend (not that he fancied me, more that he fancied every other female walking the planet). I had been told things and felt she should know.

She knew about one woman, and i told her what i had been told about others. She was devastated. Our friendship suffered a bit, especially as they were making a go of things....fast forward 3 years, and we've got over it, but there is that elephant in the room and she no longer talks to me about her relationship or how things are going with him

That being said, i'm still glad i told her. I think its a situation where you are well and truly damned if you do, and damned if you don't x

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 10:15

@WhatToDo999 I think it's easier when it's not you they're being inappropriate with, though.

Your friend couldn't accuse you of encouraging it whereas OPs could, realistically (even though she's not).

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 10:16

@whattodo999 yes i'm sure you did the right thing. It puts you in an awkward position too and you were looking out for her and being a good friend.
Part of me wonders if I never tell her, maybe one day she will find out (not sure how but you never know) and be angry that I didn't tell her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Neverlovedya · 03/01/2020 10:17

And sadly that's true. Hopefully she knows I never would, but all I can do is show the screenshots. However he could easily twist things and say I messaged him too.

OP posts:

WhatToDo999 · 03/01/2020 10:22

@neverlovedya - I think the anger would have been worse if I didn't tell her and she later found out I knew but hadn't said anything.

@GiveHerHellFromUs - in all fairness i don't think its ever easy whatever the situation may be, however i can see where you are coming from.
I may not have been the person he was being inappropriate with, but i was accused of wanting him myself and saying these things because i was jealous (despite being married and having children myself). x

Musti · 03/01/2020 10:24

My friend never told me that an ex had come on to her whilst I was pregnant with his baby. When we split years later, she told me. I understand her not telling me but had she told me I wouldn't have made some decisions which put me in a bad financial position for many years.

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