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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help Me Get Rid Of This Man From My Life.

41 replies

Simply2020 · 03/01/2020 06:41

I met a man last year and even the first date was a disaster as he was so late and had to cancel. We met for dinner for the second date and it was good. However, after a few months of dating, I realised that he was unreliable, lying, disrespectful and emotionally unavailable. I ended the relationship but he continued contacting me for months. Even in the short time that I knew him he continuously asked me for money to book his flight ticket etc. I refused as I found the topic very uncomfortable.

I eventually agreed to meet up during the Christmas/New Year period. In the short time that we met, he managed to completely stressed me out - always on the phone, if not on the phone he was making jibes at me. We had some wine together and he later accused me of drinking too much and further accused me of bringing men to my house and told me that, "I should have self-respect..." I have not brought men to my house. New Year day he again accused me of having a man in my house.

This man has no respect whatsoever, he went through my stock, I sell online. When I asked him what he was looking for, he told me that he wanted something for 10 years old, his daughter. That's not all when we met, he told me that he has a 23 years old son, the next time we met he said, he has a 17 years daughter and this time around, he told me that he has 4 children.

On his way back, he asked me for £30, I gave him £20, by the time he arrived at his destination, he asked me to make a bank transfer for £100 because he wants to buy something in the supermarket, I refused. We are both in our 40s.

Yesterday, he has become distant, tried to ghost me - refused to talk. I have tried to block this man. Help me to get rid of this piece of shit from my life.

Please be gentle with me, I have not had energy after meeting this man - completely drained, low and depressed. Thank you!

OP posts:
littlebirdieblue · 03/01/2020 06:55

He's using you. Block him and move on with your life

triptrapdollydumpling · 03/01/2020 06:57

He’s using you.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 06:59

You've met a narcissist. People will reply, 'why are you putting up with this?!' because they don't understand how quickly these people can get in your head.

Let him ghost you. And don't 'try' to block him: block him. Everywhere. If you font have him on social media ect, seek him out and block him there too.

He is a con artist. He is using begging to put you down so that you feel you have to prove you are a good person. That's why you agreed to giving him money. This is one loop abusers catch you in: the question your moral fibre over and over so you are constantly thinking 'how can I show this person I am good/worthwhile/I care?'. Stop! Take a step back. See it for what it is.

He is a horrible bully. Surely you don't want him in your life anymore? Why do you need to prove your worth to anyone? Let alone scum like him!

Have you had abusive relationships before or an abusive upbringing? If so, could you be suffering from codependency that you need to work through?

It would also help to learn all you can about narcissists so that you can spit these creatures sooner in future. Melanie Tonia Evans on YouTube is good.

Stop trying to prove yourself, start extracting all possible means of contact the man could use from your life. If he foes contact you again say 'do not contact me again or I will contact the police about harasment' then block him on that avenue.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 06:59

*using negging to put u down

Sexnotgender · 03/01/2020 07:01

Block him on absolutely everything. He sounds unhinged.

crustycrab · 03/01/2020 07:01

Tried to block him? It's not difficult, a couple of minutes and it's done.

He sounds horrible and you really owe him nothing so just do it

Tigress54 · 03/01/2020 07:02

Hi,simply2020

Only you can rid yourself of this man from your life .. he sounds controlling and abusive ... if he’s cut his contact with you as you mentioned at the end of your message then why are you trying to contact him when you want rid of him ?

Original poster
Simply2020 · 03/01/2020 08:12

Thank you for all your advice, I have blocked him on several occasions, he even turned up at my doorstep a few times. He calls from different numbers as well. I have tried not to call the police before, however, this time if he makes contact with me again, then I will go to the police

I am not going to contact him anymore. I am going to finally block him again and will not have any more contact with him at all.

OP posts:
plumpmom · 03/01/2020 08:24

From your post you’ve only actually gone out with him a few times over a long period? I can’t understand why somebody you’ve only met a couple of times and who you don’t even really know (you only just found out about his kids!) has this much power over you! You don’t even know him. He could be married! What are you doing? Get yourself therapy urgently. You sound naive and vulnerable and you need help to be able to enforce standard life boundaries. Your reactions to this man aren’t normal. Recognise that, get therapy, block him and if he turns up you simply say “go away or I’m calling the police” and shut the door! It’s not rocket science!

PhilCornwall1 · 03/01/2020 08:29

Simple, tell him that you are calling the Police immediately. He is harassing you, demanding money, etc. If he turns up on your doorstep, don't open the door, tell him you are calling the Police and do it.

Why on earth did you even meet this man at Christmas/New Year?

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 08:33

Pp is a little harsh but is right that if he turns up definitely don't answer the door. Shout through it 'go away immediately or I'll call the police'.

Don't listen to anything he says. Think of him as the snake from the jungle book. Their gaze and words can hypnotise you into doing as they want if you focus on them.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 08:40

Getting a new number might be worthwhile too! Or just don't answer any calls you don't recognise.

If he somehow manages to contact you again tell him 'do not contact me again or I will contact the police'. If he keeps trying after that, go to the police.

fuzzymoon · 03/01/2020 08:42

How does he know where you live ?

Block him.

If he comes to your house do not let him in. Use the spy hole , peep through a window or use the chain to see who is at the door before answering it.

In future do not let anyone know where you live until you are sure as you can be that they are a decent person.

But stop communicating with him and go to the police if he continues.

PhilCornwall1 · 03/01/2020 08:46

@Pinkbonbon if by saying PP was a little harsh you meant me, I wasn't meant to be Confused I was in the metaphorically "grab the tosser by the balls" when he rears his head again mode and immediately take control of the situation.

tribpot · 03/01/2020 08:51

I eventually agreed to meet up during the Christmas/New Year period.
What made you agree to do this? Think back over his tactics to spot what works on you. Make sure you have a plan to combat it.

I would second getting a new number. At minimum you should block calls from all unknown numbers.

I would go to the police now, to report the harassment. That way you won't have to start that process when he next gets in touch.

Warn your friends as well - he is likely to target them to get to you. Don't stay silent out of embarrassment - shame is his greatest ally.

And keep in mind, it's (a) none of his bloody business if you have men over at your house and (b) you have done nothing wrong if you did. You don't have to defend yourself against these kinds of comments.

Good luck - I hope you can get this awful person out of your life as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Livandme · 03/01/2020 08:53

Block him
Change your routine for a bit.
Inform the police

Original poster
Simply2020 · 03/01/2020 08:56

I have learned a big lesson. I have tried for months not to communicate or engage with him. He turned up about three times at my doorstep, I did not open the door for him.

I have spent an hour blocking him everywhere. I missed blocking him on WhatsApp, so he is now blocked. We are not friends on any of the social media.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 09:19

philcornwall no I didn't mean you.

Op, find him on these social media and block him there too if you are on them. Even if you are not fb friends he may still be able to add you/message.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 09:22

And make sure your privacy settings are set so that ppl who aren't friends can't see what you post.

I also second warning friends about him.

Original poster
Simply2020 · 03/01/2020 10:01

I cannot find him on any social media he may be using an alias.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2020 10:03

Very possible. Just delete any friends you have never met in person/spoke to on the phone ect and don't add anyone new you don't recognise and it'll be fine. If you get a request from him, don't reply at all, just block.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/01/2020 10:08

He keeps trying because he knows he can get money. It's a powerful motivator.

I agree with others. I'm glad you've blocked him, but if he turns up at your house you MUST tell him that you've called the police (you don't actually have to do this straight away if you are worried about 'bothering them' but please do it if he doesn't immediately leave).

Also tell everyone, friends, family and work that you are being bothered by this man and you don't want to have any contact with him. Others can act as gatekeepers then, and will be aware if he tries to sweet talk them into letting him into your life. Men like this hate to be pointed out for what they are!

OxfordCat · 03/01/2020 10:09

I think you need to start some therapy in 2020 OP Thanks

Original poster
Simply2020 · 03/01/2020 10:56

@ Zaphodsotherhead, you're right! When we first started dating he called me names as well, "Old woman", I am eight years older than him. He claimed that he has more money than me but was testing me. We have always gone 50/50 and I have never asked him for anything.

He has no shame and self -respect, always claims that he left his bank cards in another country and helped himself to lots of my stocks. When he came back last week, he was asking for more items.
This time he is blocked.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 03/01/2020 11:06

Congratulate yourself for blocking him. This may be a good time to assess why you let it go this far so you do not fall into the same experience again.