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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's just dumped me!?

39 replies

crazycatladi · 03/01/2020 04:07

So my partner of 2+ years has just dumped me out the blue. Saying things aren't what he wants.. we doesn't want children or marriage and can't see a future with me because I do. He's spoke to friends apparently about out it and he's been feeling like it for a while!

A month or so ago he was saying it will be us one day celebrating our engagement as he'd just been to celebrate his sisters!?

Have no clue what to think.
Absolutely heartbroken

OP posts:
Taddda · 03/01/2020 04:22

Sorry Op Flowers
I know it's of no consolation right now but sometimes relationships just end that way, you must be feeling really shocked and upset if its come out if the blue like this, time to call in the friend/family troops?

I don't really want to ask the question, but has he been out and about much without you over the xmas period?

Original poster
crazycatladi · 03/01/2020 04:29

Completely the opposite! We had the nest Christmas together as we work shifts and first together off with one another properly.. no real warning signs.. some things in the distance but put it down to his work

Just don't get it

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 03/01/2020 04:36

I know it won’t feel like it now, but perhaps in a weird way, painful as it is, he’s tried to be kind in letting you go, so that you can meet someone who wants the same life that you do?

It makes the shock and pain no less real or painful, but at least he hasn’t strung you along under false pretences.

Taddda · 03/01/2020 04:38

Is he having a wobble? Or was he pretty adamant it was over? Throwing the 'I dont want children or marriage, you do' at you was a bit harsh, especially considering he's mentioned he see's you being engaged soon? Really unfair of him -

Original poster
crazycatladi · 03/01/2020 04:40

Oh but there is the gutting thing.. he's felt like this for a long time, so much so he doesn't love me anymore!

He's felt like it for a while and not said a bean just kept saying stuff to make me think he did want the same thing

Worst thing is our sex life has decreased (sorry) and I thought it was me, made me feel horrible and paranoid about myself and now I'm left feeling everything

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 03/01/2020 04:43

It is strange how many relationships end after Christmas ... it could be because you are spending a long time together and realise you are not that compatible any more. My husband has been off now since the 21st December and I cannot wait until he is back at work on Monday. He misses his job and has been reading emails and giving out quotes all day yesterday so he might as well be at work.

Original poster
crazycatladi · 03/01/2020 04:44

Taddda- nope he's adamant he doesn't and says he was lying to me because he thought he would change his mind. So much so he's fell out of love with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
crazycatladi · 03/01/2020 04:45

We work shift in nhs/emergency service so was back at work by 27th!

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 03/01/2020 04:51

@crazycatladi

I used to work for the NHS and would have to go in on Boxing Day to give clerical support to Doctors. Strange but a lot of patients seem to die over the festive season. One year because of a flu outbreak we had to use a chiller lorry to store the bodies because the mortuary was full.

QueenofPain · 03/01/2020 04:53

Do you think there could be someone else?

Original poster
crazycatladi · 03/01/2020 04:56

I really don't know.
He swears not but I have been cheated on before so it's in the back of my head.

In a way i wish he has. Does that sound daft?

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 03/01/2020 04:56

@QueenofPain

There could be because paramedics and others who work for the emergency services are put under a lot of strain. I used to be good friends with a fireman and his job was very stressful and he ended up cheating on his wife several times.

QueenofPain · 03/01/2020 05:06

Yeah, I’m an A&E nurse practitioner. My experience is that everyone seems to be shagging everyone in the various ambulance services.

I hope that’s not the case for you cat ladi, but have you any suspicions?

QueenofPain · 03/01/2020 05:08

I don’t think work related stress is a good enough excuse for cheating really, but it’s certainly rife, same seems to happen with the police too.

Original poster
crazycatladi · 03/01/2020 05:09

I don't think he has. He hasn't got the time nor sense to do that. But I say that who knows.

OP posts:
Taddda · 03/01/2020 08:08

I know your head must be all over the place right now- but in all honesty I think you might've just had a lucky escape here OP?

You say he's been lying to you all this time telling you he wants the same things you do 'just incase he changes his mind'- what a dick! He's totally messed with your head and heart, strung you along until he's come to decision!?
He's also made you paranoid about yourself on a really personal level, now your left thinking 'has he been with someone else?' I totally understand you kind of hoping there has been, apart from giving you some closure it'd cement the fact that this guy has been really awful to you on all levels.

Original poster
crazycatladi · 03/01/2020 11:31

So I couldn't stop my mind racing last night and asked him again if there was somebody else.

He admitted to speaking to somebody from work, somebody who wanted the same things as him and he began to have feelings for her/ fancy her. He says he stopped it there and doesn't feel there's anything bad there?

Now to me that's as bad a cheating

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 03/01/2020 11:36

Emotional affair and he’s ending it with you so he can make a proper move on her without any guilt.

Isohungy · 03/01/2020 11:39

What cloudy says.

So sorry OP. I hope you find happiness elsewhere in time Flowers

PinkMonkeyBird · 03/01/2020 11:44

He admitted to speaking to somebody from work, somebody who wanted the same things as him and he began to have feelings for her/ fancy her. He says he stopped it there and doesn't feel there's anything bad there?

And there you have it. Now he has dumped you, they will give it a 'sensible' amount of time before coming out as a couple. What a fucking dick. He will be drip feeding you information, so don't be surprised to find out there will be more to this. I'm so sorry, OP. You deserve much, much better xx

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2020 11:45

I think he's done the decent thing op, he is interested in someone else, so he has ended it with you before he took it further. That's not cheating, I'm sorry, and what everyone always shouts on here people should do if they were decent. End it before becoming involved with someone else.

I wouldn't go thinking he's cheated, or as good as. It won't change anything, I'm sorry.

QueenofPain · 03/01/2020 13:55

I hope you’re okay today OP Flowers
Hopefully you’ve got a good friend or family member with you now to support you.

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2020 13:59

JolieOBrien bundle of misery aren’t you 🙄

anotherday4 · 03/01/2020 14:02

He was honest with you, and maybe you didn't want to hear that but tbh that would be enough for me to say ok and move on (as hard as it is)

An emotional affair is just as bad isn't it the fact he says he fancied this woman! You can do better and you will xx

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2020 14:04

Op

If you can go no contact and slowly move on, no need to rush into another relationship. Plan things for you and stop trying to go over his actions.

If he was lying to himself about things he wanted then you’d not want to be with him now as you’d never know whether it was really what he wanted ir whether he thought he should want it

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